Is there something wrong in this feeling?

[ctg]

This is a small excerpt where Es goes from doubt to jealousy, and I'm not really sure if he should do feeling that way. It is almost as if he's going from one extreme to another. Just as I would.

What do you think, is it wrong? Should I distant the zoom point and watch the action from the omnipresent POV, or stick in the character mind.





“Are you sure it’s going to work?” Es asked from Jim, who was filling the modified deep-sea diver’s re-breather tank from Damien’s tank.

“Of course I’m sure it works,” Jim argued. “What do you think I am, a noob?”

He glanced Igor and saw in his face that he also was thinking the same thing, even though he’d helped uncle Jim to rebuild the instrument. As with everything Jim had built so far it was the doubt of the unknown that gnawed Es self-esteem. One day, if it was not today, Jim was going to fail again and end up hurting someone as he’d done with Marcellus bots. And this time if Damien was going to get hurt…

No. He didn’t want to think about it.

“Are you absolutely one hundred percent sure?”

Jim shot his hand in the air and said angrily, “Son. Of all the things I have done, modifying this gear has been the easiest thing I have done. It’s really simple. Really. And all I’ve done is that I’ve replaced the gas with liquid and beefed up the motor. It’s going to work. Trust me.”

“So, all we need to know now if the boy can walk.” Barrett looked questionably at Igor, who stretched his hands on the side, and shrugged his shoulders. It was all guess work, but one thing Es knew that the boy could walk in the virtual reality. Yet it was totally another feat to get his muscles working in the real world.

“And if he doesn’t?” Es asked.

“Then you two are going to carry him,” Barrett said. “Cos I bet Manson and I are going to have our hands full on keeping you guys safe.”

“Okay, there,” Jim closed the valve and removed the pipe. “Let’s see if the boy can walk, okay?”

Es backed away, while Manson and Barrett moved to the tank. This time the half-giant reached in and grabbed the boy under his arms, while Barrett readied the helmet and the re-breather. Then it all happened really quickly as Manson dropped Damien on the floor and held him up, while Barrett slipped the gear over boy’s head.

“There,” Jim said as they saw the mask filling with golden liquid. “I told you it was going to work, but did you trust me. No!” He moved next to Damien, adjusted few knobs and then crossed his arms. “If I wouldn’t say myself, I feel actually quite proud that it works so well.”

“Okay Manson,” Barrett said. “Let go of him.”

Manson nodded, slipped his hands off from under Damien’s arms and stood back as the boy stood on his two feet, with knees wobbling like just born calf. Jim moved next to him and took his hand on his own.

“Now boy, watch me,” the dwarf said as he put he lifted his feet and took a step. Damien nodded, but as soon as he lifted his wobbling feet, he lost his balance. Igor gasped. Barrett jumped into action but he was already too late as Jim had slipped his arm behind Damien’s back and kept him from falling down.

“First step is always the hardest,” Jim said fatherly.

Es felt a pinch of jealousy as he saw Uncle Jim taking the boy under his wing and ditching him on the second place. This hasn’t happened before. Not even in times when Jim had devoted more time to his machines then to him. Was he feeling this was because Damien was actually a living, breathing being rather than a dead cold machine?

Then he noticed that same feeling washing upon Igor, who also had crossed his arms and were now scowling at the smallest pair in the cramped submarine.

 

[Boneman]

Well it works okay as it is, I think.

Is the jealousy because the system works (Es has complete doubts about the helmet, and 'assumes' it won't work, and is therefore jealous that it does) or is it because of the way Uncle Jim is treating Damien? (ie Uncle Jim never lavished that sort of attention on ES? And presumably Igor?)

Since it's only a 'pinch of jealousy', rather than an almighty rage, I think it's best to tell it from Es's pov. A distant narrator might have trouble showing the level of jealousy, whereas Es can say it easily.

 

[ctg]

Is the jealousy because the system works (Es has complete doubts about the helmet, and 'assumes' it won't work, and is therefore jealous that it does) or is it because of the way Uncle Jim is treating Damien? (ie Uncle Jim never lavished that sort of attention on ES? And presumably Igor*?)

As has doubts about the helmet system, and as soon as it works and he sees that Jim is showing fatherly things to Damien, he start to feel badly (wrongly) as he should be 'the-only-boy-in-the-family'.

*Igor is the scientist, who has been taking care of the boy, and the other children while they were still in the antagonist lab. So I guess he also has feeling towards Damien, as he has been raising him from a single cell to a boyhood. Therefore, seeing Jim making Damien to take the first steps, I intuitively figured that he should also feel a bit jealous.

 

[blairWitcher]

“Of course I’m sure it works,” Jim argued. “What do you think I am, a noob?”

Liked this line I never thought of using the "N" word in a story before.

(light bulbs flickering on and off...) HMMMM...

 

[Boneman]

As has doubts about the helmet system, and as soon as it works and he sees that Jim is showing fatherly things to Damien, he start to feel badly (wrongly) as he should be 'the-only-boy-in-the-family'.

*Igor is the scientist, who has been taking care of the boy, and the other children while they were still in the antagonist lab. So I guess he also has feeling towards Damien, as he has been raising him from a single cell to a boyhood. Therefore, seeing Jim making Damien to take the first steps, I intuitively figured that he should also feel a bit jealous.

Then that seems a 'normal' human reaction, and it should add tension to the story. I think leave it as it is, from Es' pov.

 

[ctg]

Thank you Boneman.

 

[HareBrain]

The switch from doubt to jealousy is fine, but to my mind there are a couple of things slightly off with how you've handled the jealousy.

“First step is always the hardest,” Jim said fatherly.

Es felt a pinch of jealousy as he saw Uncle Jim taking the boy under his wing and ditching him on the second place.

The pinch of jealousy feels realistic, but "ditching him on the second place" (which you need to reword -- I think you mean pushing him into second place?) feels a very strong reaction, when all Jim has done is say something encouraging. This makes Es seem very insecure.

However, it then goes on:

This hasn’t happened before. Not even in times when Jim had devoted more time to his machines then to him. Was he feeling this was because Damien was actually a living, breathing being rather than a dead cold machine?

So you have Es feeling this strong reaction, basically that he's been usurped in Jim's affections or whatever, but then he analyses his own emotion as though he's observing it rather than experiencing it. This makes him seem rather detached from his own feelings. So you have him both reacting very strongly, but then seeming rather detached, which doesn't seem realistic as a combination.

If Es is a more-or-less normal person emotionally, I would lose or tone down the "second place" bit (though keep the "pinch of jealousy") and then, if he's going to think about how new this jealousy is, maybe also have him feel guilty about it, and then maybe have him trying to work out why he's feeling it now.

 

[ctg]

I have thought so hard to how to tone down the language that I got a massive headache, and no money to get some Ibuprofein. Thank you very much HB.

Joke.

Although I do really have a headache. And it comes with this wording. Sorry for making that sort of error.