A thousand nasty words

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gadgetmind

Mindbender in training
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You need no introduction so you will not get one.
---------------

Trainer

The last of the men had arrived over fifteen minutes earlier, and their guarded exchanges of pleasantries had quickly been replaced by nervous shuffling and open impatience. But it wasn’t yet time.

The unenthusiastic early-morning sun was casting low-contrast shadows that crept slowly across the spartan walls of the room, so slowly that movement could only be perceived by observing for several minutes. Inexorably onwards the shadows marched, but it wasn’t yet time.

The hands of the wall clock were being undrawn and then instantly redrawn, each time a few degrees further around the face, counting away the seconds until the appointed second of the correct minute of the agreed hour of the day the men had all booked.

It was nearly time. Five seconds ... 4 ... 3 ... 2.

“Information is everything.” The words came without warning, without introduction, and at full volume; every man jumped.

“In the seemingly endless fight against terrorism and insurgency, high-quality intelligence, delivered at the right time, often makes the difference between success and failure, stability and chaos.

“Sometimes this intelligence can be collected remotely and cleanly by electronic means but that discipline has its own specialists. Our area of expertise is extracting information from a far more complex and intractable source, a source that often protects its secrets with indomitable strength, cunning evasion and defiant lies: the human brain.

“It seems so easy. The human body is so very frail, and once past the bony shell of the skull, the brain itself is the softest organ of them all. If only there was a way to use the same techniques as the electronic warfare experts, to read the required information directly from that spongy mass, or at least to differentiate reliably between truth and deception. Despite many attempts, with varying levels of sophistication, this sadly still eludes us. Intelligence seems to require a system that teeters on the very edge of organisational chaos, that stores its memories everywhere and yet nowhere, and which is therefore almost entirely opaque to external probing and monitoring. With the frontal attack barred, instead we need to use our scientific methods to access this information by going via the mind and personality that inhabits the brain.

“Of course, the use of physical and psychological coercion to extract information has a long and colourful history, and mankind has used it with varying degrees of enthusiasm and success for millennia. However, you will have noticed that I used the term ‘scientific methods’: the challenges we face in the modern world are such that we need information quickly, but information we can rely upon. The best way to obtain this is by using methods that have a scientific basis and that have been rigorously tested under a wide variety of experimental and field conditions.

“This is where I come in. I know the scientific basis and effectiveness of the available procedures, when they have worked and when they have failed, and how to ascertain the point where we will have breached every defence the subject can muster and the information flow will cease being unreliable.

“Yet I cannot do this alone, for while I have many strengths, I also possess certain weaknesses, so teamwork is essential. My task over the next few days is to educate you gentlemen in how to work with me to form such a team, a team that will serve your countries for many years to come, and will help protect them from those whose sole purpose is destruction.

“We have in the rooms around us a variety of test subjects of varying degrees of intelligence, resilience, and intransigence. I will be using these subjects to demonstrate the goal-oriented procedures that I will be explaining in a series of short lectures. During these lectures and demonstrations, you will gain an overview of my knowledge and skills, but you will also learn about those weaknesses I mentioned.”

Three of the six men were paying attention but the others were looking around the room and playing with their pens.

“You’ll all be glad to know that the introduction is now over and that we’re ready to begin. Sometimes I start with some theoretical work, but on this occasion I think that it’s perhaps best if we pay a visit to one of our subjects.”

The next part was pure showmanship: deploying every surgical instrument at the same time was of no more practical use than pulling out every blade and tool of a Swiss Army knife, but it did look impressive.

“When you gentlemen return to your respective countries, you will be taking with you a model almost exactly like me, lacking only my interactive training features. You will therefore need to also be able to perform basic diagnosis and repair on my essential equipment.”

One man was still projecting an air of composure, even complacency, but the others were giving the glittering array of knives, needles, saws, endoscopes, cutters and electrodes on the InterroBot’s four multi-jointed arms their undivided attention.

The InterroBot was Peace Corporation’s most profitable model, which was ironic given that they didn’t even manufacture it. It was a MediBot licensed from Utility Group, with its software repurposed, its base price multiplied twenty-fold, and its previously caring and trustworthy semi-human face replaced with one that triggered emotions that ranged from unease to hopeless despair.

The InterroBot now turned this face towards the one man who was still failing to show the correct attitude. What was that on his front? Object recognition supplied ‘decoration(decorative)’ and ‘decoration(medals)’ with an equal weighting on each. With movements that were deliberately inhuman, the ‘bot rotated its primary tool carrier to bring it directly in front of its face, and then ignited its largest plasma scalpel at a setting so inefficient that it produced a roaring lance of white-hot flame.

The ‘bot could see their faces through the searing heat haze and knew it commanded their absolute and unanimous attention; it was now, at last, time to proceed with the day’s business.
 
Interesting! Is it in the VP of the robot?

Just one bit was off for me:

The hands of the wall clock were being undrawn and then instantly redrawn, each time a few degrees further around the face, counting away the seconds until the appointed second of the correct minute of the agreed hour of the day the men had all booked.


Seems like a far too complicated way to say that time's passing!
 
When I write scenes from the POV of something non-human, I deliberately "pull back" - I don't aim to hit objective, but nothing like as close as for a human POV. Yes, the speaker is a 'bot, but I reveal that as late as possible. Is that unclear?

Regards the time passing, clocks don't have hands that move, it's all animated ePaper or similar, and I like the wordiness. Let's see what others say.

Ian
 
I assume that you are trying to build tension in the first paragraphs, but at least as I was reading it, the wordiness and the fact that all of the sentences sound so passive worked against that. When we write passages that we mean to move slowly and create a sense that time is passing slowly, we run the risk that readers will lose interest (or at the beginning of something fail to gain any to begin with.) It's one of those ideas that usually sound better in theory than they work in practice.

Here is what I mean by passive sound sentences:

The last of the men had arrived over fifteen minutes earlier, and their guarded exchanges of pleasantries had quickly been replaced by nervous shuffling and open impatience. But it wasn’t yet time.

The unenthusiastic early-morning sun was casting low-contrast shadows that crept slowly across the spartan walls of the room, so slowly that movement could only be perceived by observing for several minutes. Inexorably onwards the shadows marched, but it wasn’t yet time.

The hands of the wall clock were being undrawn and then instantly redrawn, each time a few degrees further around the face, counting away the seconds until the appointed second of the correct minute of the agreed hour of the day the men had all booked.

It was nearly time. Five seconds ... 4 ... 3 ... 2.

You might be surprised by the way that only a few more active verbs could make a big difference in the way readers react.

After those paragraphs you go on to what is, however you look at it, a long info-dump. You can disguise expository lumps as dialogue, but usually not one this long, and not without breaking it up more. I think this one would benefit if you divided it up more, by inserting the reactions of the observers and subjects as you go along.
 
I must agree with Theresa, as the passive voice is the writer's enemy. It should be used only as an exception, and even then, think twice before using it. It is very easy when speaking in the past tense to fall into a passive voice, and for that reason, I suggest that you write this scene in the present, such as "The unenthusiastic early morning sun cast shadows..." instead of "was casting".

It makes a huge difference to the reader's perception, in that something IS happening, as opposed to something has happened, and it is all over. The good thing is, this is really easy to re-write in an active voice.

As for an infodump, I don't know that I would go that far. I like descriptive passages (I know, I am in the minority, but thppppbt!) and this might work if it were further along in a book, where the reader already has a good idea of what is happening and has some context. As a beginning to a book, it doesn't work, and it leans toward being infodumpy (if I can use that as an adverb) as Theresa said. It needs to be broken up, or placed very, very strategically.
 
Ah, different opinions, and you have to choose, gadgetmind.

I hate to disagree with you, Clansman, when you are agreeing with me, but present tense is the one that, inexplicably, lends itself to the passive voice. And it only lends a sense of immediacy when in the most skillful hands, because otherwise it sounds artificial and distancing since readers are not so familiar with it as past tense.

(The past tense of "cast" is "cast" anyway. So your rewritten sentence works in either tense. Just switching to present tense could as easily, or more easily, result in combinations like "is casting" -- which I am sure we agree is undesirable.)
 
Yea. Do that. The 3rd paragraph could go and cut to mebbe 800 nasty words, plenty to describe a torture-bot, which I presume is what it is.
 
OK, I'll ponder on this and decide what to do with the intro. FYI, this scene is more or less stand-alone, it is currently dropped into chapter 12 about 50k words in, and it's between two light dialogue-driven "mainline" scenes, one of which even has a subtle knob gag. :)

I was trying to get across a few things -
1) The world isn't nice.
2) Azimov's laws are taking a book off. Men made these things, and we know how that goes.
3) This 'bot is a manipulator of minds. It talks about the test subjects for the interrogation, but it's in training mode, so the minds it really cares about are those of the trainees. It needs them to respect it on many levels, and one of those levels involves a healthy dose of fear.
4) The minds I care about are those of the readers. I want them to share in the frustration of the trainees when the trainer waits until the exact second for what seems to be no good reason. (Its waiting is part of the overall power play.)

I will give the opening paras a gentle haircut, particularly the one that bugged Mr. Mouse as it is outstandingly wordy!

Did the rest work?

Ian
 
*ahem* Miss Mouse. ;)

When I quoted that paragraph, I realised suddenly that it was the hands being literally drawn and redrawn (I was thinking it was a digital thing - the hand disappearing, then coming back). But I still thought it was a tad complicated, so posted anyway. :)
 
Ooops, apologies regards the gender confusion.

I'll give that intro a prod during my lunch break and see if I can retain the suspense I wanted but make the visuals clearer.

Ian
 
worksfine, but in sciencefiction, the instant you mention a bot of any kind, a whole lot of stuff is presumed. Say Interrobot and the whole image is there... no doubt in the hands of the evil govt... and there will be workbots and thisnthatbots everywhere.
Try chopping it to 75 words for the writing contest, then build it back up to, say, 837 words give or take and 1st person active like was suggested
andit may be a better bot. :D
 
Yes, I have a lot of 'bots, and some are nasty. For balance, I do have some nice 'bots, but I'm finding it hard to conceive of a nice government. :)

Anyway, intro rewritten, hopefully with most of the feedback in there. I've tried to make the POV more obvious, but still hold off revealing the speaker is a 'bot for a long as I can.

---------------------
The last of the men had sat down over fifteen minutes earlier, and their guarded exchanges of pleasantries had quickly given way to nervous shuffling and open impatience. It wasn’t yet time, so the trainer watched them and waited.

The unenthusiastic early-morning sun cast low-contrast shadows that crept slowly across the spartan walls of the room, so slowly that their movement was all but imperceptible. Inexorably onwards the shadows marched, but it wasn’t yet time.

The digits on wall clock’s paper face slowly counted upwards, minute by minute, second by second, until it was nearly time.

57 ... 58 ... 59 ... eight AM; now was the time.

“Information is everything!”

Every man jumped, just as the trainer knew they would. Despite being told exactly when the training sessions would commence, people always jumped. The trainer waited for them to regain their composure before continuing at a lower volume.

---------------------

Ian
 
If this was the start of a novel it would, as has been said, be too much of an infodump to start off with. It is well written and probably not saying any more than what needs saying. I certainly enjoyed it and would enjoy reading more. The only part that stands out as odd to me is

The InterroBot now turned this face towards the one man who was still failing to show the correct attitude. What was that on his front? Object recognition supplied ‘decoration(decorative)’ and ‘decoration(medals)’ with an equal weighting on each.


That just seemed a little too much of a human reaction. The bot has been very mechanical in its approach. It'd seem more apt to have something along the lines of:

The InterroBot now turned this face towards the one man who was still failing to show the correct attitude. A quick visual scan of the man revealed objects on his front, recognised equally as ‘decoration(decorative)’ and ‘decoration(medals)’.
 
Thanks for that - it's all encouraging.

Regarding the level of intelligence/humanity, it's not easy. I am giving these things emotions, and with some of them going even further, but you're right, that inner dialogue does seem incongruous.

I'm now also starting to see the problem with dropping random scenes into critique. The feedback on wording and mood is very useful, but no-one can advise on the big picture until they have seen it!

Ian
P.S. If anyone else is minded to take a red pen to this one, I did even more work on it last night, so let me know first.
 
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