The Infected World - A Zombie apocalypse

[vector7]

Hi guys.
This is a piece I wrote recently after watching and playing a couple of zombie apocalypse movies and games. I would like to know about the pace and the flow of action. You have full freedom with this piece. Everything goes. Any problem, just shoot it. After all, I am still learning.
___________________________________________________________________


Subject: ALEX CARTER

Age: 20

Medical Detail: Survivor – possible carrier of the cure for the virus



Alex carefully made his way around the debris-filled platform making sure he made no noise. He held in his hand a .357 magnum pistol attached with a flashlight. He stopped midway through the platform and waited for any sign of disturbance around him. There was none. He took another step and suddenly he stiffened his leg and pointed the gun towards the stairs. He heard a huge roar from the surface. ****! The roar filtered through every other second. After about two minutes, everything became silent. Alex waited in his position, taking heavy breaths. A minute passed and he quickly but quietly made his way to the stairs. He jumped over the ticket gate and crouched. He waited for a minute before standing up and making his way up the stairs. Alex waited at the first landing, which was dimly lit by a yellow-incandescent bulb. He surveyed his own condition: a black Nomex jacket, black-grey camouflage trousers and boots. He had a sling in which he had attached his ‘whip-it’ sawn-off shotgun and a .357 magnum pistol. The only problem he had was the ammo; he did not have much.

‘Ammunition before everything else’ was the only thought in his calm mind. He reached up to the bulb and slowly unscrewed it and placed it on the floor. Alex did not want his figure clearly marked against the light from the bulb when he stood at the surface. It would have decreased his chances of living by quite a margin given his situation with the ammunition. He calmly climbed the stair holding his pistol ready for action with its flashlight turned off. He reached the top of the stairs and stared at the dead thing in disbelief.

On the ground before him, lay a gargantuan beast called the Minfect. He crouched near it and touched the blood it was hot.

“The roaring I heard, must have been due to this big guy here. Whatever killed it must be nearby”, he muttered under his breath.

He had heard things about the Minfect; during the first few weeks of the outbreak of the virus, most of the people became violent and cannibalistic. After the preliminary effects, the virus started to mutate in a very different manner. Soon the survivors began seeing infections with specialised conditions. Minfect was one of those advanced mutated conditions. Enormous, powerful and relatively quick, Minfect was the perfect killing machine. But, it had just been the start of the mutation.

Alex looked at the Minfect and quickly checked his surroundings. Everything was silent and nothing out of the ordinary was visible to him. He waited for any movement behind him. Everything was clear. The place he stood in was a small alley which opened into a main street littered with overturned cars and decomposing bodies of the infected and the dead. He took a step forward and crouched behind an overturned car. From his position he surveyed the rooftops. There were no threats.

He rose up from behind the car and walked quietly to another one. He heard a slurping noise from the other side of the upturned car. He lay prone on the ground and tried to catch a glimpse through the small holes of the crushed windows. It was one of the common infections feeding on its kill – another common infection. Cannibalism, he thought. He switched back to a crouched position and quickly rolled to the right and away from the car making sure he made no noise. He righted himself and held the gun tightly aiming directly at the head of the feeding infection. It sensed some movement and turned to face Alex with its bloodied, lacerated face. Bile forced its way to his mouth as he looked at the hopeless future of humanity and its survivors. He fought it back and fired three shots puncturing the infection’s face. He waited for any signs of life. There was none. He turned back to see a run-down bakery behind him. It was dark and completely trashed. He switched on his flashlight attached to the gun. A blood-spattered wall greeted him. Taking a heavy breath he rose up and sighed. Then all of a sudden a blood-curdling roar erupted.

Alex jerked to life and checked his left. There was nothing out of the ordinary. He turned to his right. A car was flying through the air right towards him. In a rapid response he dove forward transferring his momentum to a roll as he vanished into the darkness of the bakery. The car crashed with a loud noise going up in flames. He could feel his back against the wall. The light from the explosion showed his problem. Three common infected were flanking him. He switched his flashlight on and rolled forward as the infected came upon him. He rolled forward again and twisted to face his adversaries. He squeezed of two shots. One fell. He jumped up and started walking backward against the bright backdrop of the flames taking the other two infections. His magazine was empty. A movement on his right side caught his eye. He turned to see a huge Minfect carrying a car looking at his direction. He stumbled backward and fell. Then, everything slowed down to the flap of the hummingbird’s wings. A huge chain-like thing snatched at the car from behind the Minfect. It erupted in flames as the huge infection roared again. It jumped forward away from him its gargantuan figure contrasting against the night sky. A roar echoed through his ears as he strained to see the Minfect’s adversary.

 

[Precise Calibre]

Gonna be semi-blunt here. Partially sickened right now from food poisoning. Apologies ahead of time.

.357 Pistol - not a revolver, but still cliche. A 9mm or a .45 would be more believable.

There is a lot of tell in this piece with very little show. Your sentences are short, in keeping with the idea of an action scene, but I personally felt no sense of urgency for any part of the action, despite the fact that he's being waylayed by multiple adversaries, one of which is obviously superhuman.

I also have no clue if we're dealing with 28 Days Later Zombies or Classic Night of the Living Dead Zombies. In other words, how fast do they move?

You've spent a lot of time describing what your protagonist is wearing and carrying in a very "tell" way (going so far as to point out that his pistol is a .357 magnum twice), but you gave us no idea as to what these so-called "Minfect" creatures look like.

On the ground before him, lay a gargantuan beast called the Minfect. He crouched near it and touched the blood it was hot.

I don't have OSHA training, but I wouldn't touch something's blood when I knew a strain of some sort of infection was floating around.

He fought it back and fired three shots puncturing the infection’s face.

He shot it three times at point-blank range with a weapon of renowned damage potential yet a bit more rare ammunition, no wonder he's almost out of ammo.

I'll continue when I get home from work.

 

[Nik]

IMHO, you may need to tweak the pacing a bit more to maintain tension...

Seconded on the 'HazMat' caution, unless he knows he's immune. Of course, mere immunity is no protection from those ravenous beasts.

Again, one shot to the head should suffice to take down a 'human-form'...

FWIW, writing combat is *hard*. IMHO, it is a bit like writing tight verse, where every breath taken or not carries weight, and each syllable must vie for its place. This feels well along the sharpening process...

 

[Precise Calibre]

Sorry for the break in commentary. Anyway I think the tension you might be seeking for this scene would be better manifested if perhaps you were to cut down on the "blow-by"blow" and move it into more of a "confused frenzy". Don't tell us exactly what he's doing, show us that he is struggling for his life against all odds. We're not watching a football replay, we're witnessing a battle in progress.

Try to place yourself in his shoes and think to yourself 'in the blur of action, what would stand out most to me?'.

 

[J Riff]

Since it's action, cut out everything you can and keep it moving, it shouldn't take longer to read than it does to happen. )


Alex made his way carefully across the debris-filled platform, being careful to make no sound. He carried a .357 magnum pistol with attached flashlight.
He stopped midway in the platform and waited for any sign of disturbance. There was none. He took another step then suddenly stiffened and aimed his gun toward the stairwell. A huge roaring was coming from the surface. After about two minutes, everything became silent again. Alex waited, breathing heavily. Another minute passed and he made his way to the stairwell. He jumped over the ticket gate and made his way up the stairs.
He stopped at the first landing and surveyed his own appearance: black Nomex jacket, black-grey camouflage trousers and purple snakeskin boots. He had a sling in which he carried his ‘whip-it’ sawed-off shotgun. The only problem he had was ammo, he had exactly eight rounds left.

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

Hi guys.
This is a piece I wrote recently after watching and playing a couple of zombie apocalypse movies and games. I would like to know about the pace and the flow of action. You have full freedom with this piece. Everything goes. Any problem, just shoot it. After all, I am still learning.
___________________________________________________________________


Subject: ALEX CARTER

Age: 20

Medical Detail: Survivor – possible carrier of the cure for the virus

"Carrier"? Genetically immune and could be used as a source of retro genes? Tissue cloned for antibody production? Or just got a little bottle of something that confers immunity?

Alex carefully made his way around the debris-filled platform

comma

making sure he made no noise. He held in his hand a .357 magnum pistol attached with a flashlight.

with flashlight attached?

He stopped midway through

through?

the platform and waited for any sign of disturbance around him. There was none. He took another step and suddenly he stiffened his leg and pointed the gun towards the stairs. He heard a huge roar from the surface. ****! The roar filtered through every other second.

so you're getting a rhythmic beat of roar, silence, roar, on a two second breathing cycle. But why "filtered?

After about two minutes, everything became silent. Alex waited in his position, taking heavy breaths. A minute passed and he quickly but quietly made his way to the stairs. He jumped over the ticket gate and crouched. He waited for a minute before standing up and making his way up the stairs. Alex waited at the first landing, which was dimly lit by a yellow-incandescent bulb. He surveyed his own condition: a black Nomex jacket, black-grey camouflage trousers and boots. He had a sling in which he had attached his ‘whip-it’ sawn-off shotgun and a .357 magnum pistol. The only problem he had was the ammo; he did not have much.

‘Ammunition before everything else’ was the only thought in his calm mind. He reached up to the bulb and slowly unscrewed it and placed it on the floor. Alex did not want his figure clearly marked against the light from the bulb when he stood at the surface. It would have decreased his chances of living by quite a margin given his situation with the ammunition. He calmly climbed the stair

comma

holding his pistol ready for action with its flashlight turned off. He reached the top of the stairs and stared at the dead thing in disbelief.

On the ground before him,

no comma

lay a gargantuan beast called the Minfect. He crouched near it and touched the blood

semicolon or full stop

it was hot.

“The roaring I heard, must have been due to this big guy here. Whatever killed it must be nearby”, he muttered under his breath.

He had heard things about the Minfect; during the first few weeks of the outbreak of the virus, most of the people became

Had become

violent and cannibalistic. After the preliminary effects, the virus started to mutate in a very different manner. Soon the survivors began seeing infections with specialised conditions. Minfect was one of those advanced mutated conditions. Enormous, powerful and relatively quick, Minfect was the perfect killing machine. But,

no comma

it had just been the start of the mutation.

Alex looked at the Minfect and quickly checked his surroundings. Everything was silent and nothing out of the ordinary was visible to him. He waited for any movement behind him. Everything was clear. The place he stood in was a small alley which opened into a main street littered with overturned cars and decomposing bodies of the infected and the dead

The infected being presumably undead. The decomposition would inconvenience them somewhat, no?

. He took a step forward and crouched behind an overturned car. From his position he surveyed the rooftops. There were no threats.

He rose up from behind the car and walked quietly to another one. He heard a slurping noise from the other side of the upturned car. He lay prone on the ground and tried to catch a glimpse through the small holes of the crushed windows. It was one of the common infections feeding on its kill – another common infection. Cannibalism, he thought. He switched back to a crouched position and quickly rolled to the right and away from the car

comma

making sure he made no noise. He righted himself and held the gun tightly

comma

aiming directly at the head of the feeding infection. It sensed some movement and turned to face Alex with its bloodied, lacerated face. Bile forced its way to his mouth as he looked at the hopeless future of humanity and its survivors. He fought it back and fired three shots

comma; although "puncturing" is a bit analytic. "Through" would beeffective.

puncturing the infection’s face. He waited for any signs of life. There was none. He turned back to see a run-down bakery behind him. It was dark and completely trashed. He switched on his flashlight attached to the gun. A blood-spattered wall greeted him. Taking a heavy breath he rose up and sighed. Then all of a sudden a blood-curdling roar erupted.

Alex jerked to life and checked his left. There was nothing out of the ordinary. He turned to his right. A car was flying through the air right towards him. In a rapid response he dove forward

comma

transferring his momentum to a roll as he vanished into the darkness of the bakery. The car crashed with a loud noise

comma

going up in flames. He could feel his back against the wall. The light from the explosion showed his problem. Three common infected were flanking him. He switched his flashlight on and rolled forward as the infected came upon him. He rolled forward again and twisted to face his adversaries. He squeezed of

off

two shots. One fell. He jumped up and started walking backward against the bright backdrop of the flames taking the other two infections. His magazine was empty. A movement on his right side caught his eye. He turned to see a huge Minfect carrying a car looking at his direction. He stumbled backward and fell. Then, everything slowed down to the flap of the hummingbird’s wings. A huge

comma

chain-like thing snatched at the car from behind the Minfect. It erupted in flames as the huge infection roared again. It jumped forward away from him

comma; and that "forward, away from him" doesn't work with "behind the Minfect"

its gargantuan figure contrasting against the night sky.

how can it contrast with the dark sky? Does it glow (in which case he'd be able to see it quite well) Or is it a vague silhouette, where it blanks out the stars (in which case no contrast)

A roar echoed through his ears as he strained to see the Minfect’s adversary.

 

[ctg]

This piece shows that its a first draft and not a polished piece. Or then you're not just experience writer, but I would say that you would get a long way if you would maintain the tension up high by using the description more then use the action sentencing in places where you need.

I'm not going to use all my internet time but I will edit the first para.


Alex carefully made his way around the debris-filled platform. He held a .357 magnum revolver high, scanning the surroundings with a flashlight in his other hand. The place was desolated, too quiet. There had to be something. Anything. Zombies just didn't disappear from places like these. They loved old tunnels.

He stopped at midway through the platform, listening carefully. There was no noises. The air was dead still. It was as if he was alone in the dark. But he couldn't as the hairs in the back of his neck were stiff. Then as he took another step, accidentally kicking off a empty coke-can he heard a roar.

****!

The roar echoed around the platform, rising in volume. Then suddenly it was gone. There was no noises. Nothing.

Where the hell it went?

Alex waited in his position, taking heavy breaths. A minute passed then another. There was no movement other than his chest heaving up and down.




I hope you get the idea, how this should go.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi Vector

Given all the other comments the only thing I would add is that it's an odd beginning. We are given the impression that his is some kind of observational report about the subject. However at no point de we see a hint the observer.

 

[vector7]

Thanks to everyone who critiqued. Sorry for this rather unpolished post. It was written some months back and posted it for some opinion. Thanks to everyone. Now begins my lengthy reply.

#1 - Precise Calibre

I don't have OSHA training, but I wouldn't touch something's blood when I knew a strain of some sort of infection was floating around.

The strain of virus doesn't spread by touching blood. It mostly gets transferred by introduction into the bloodstream. However, certain people were supposed to be immune to this virus with certain interesting changes in them. Couldn't complete it though.

He shot it three times at point-blank range with a weapon of renowned damage potential yet a bit more rare ammunition, no wonder he's almost out of ammo.

He is quite young and almost inexperienced against the infected. So, he wants to be on the safe side. But, yes. I do get your point.

Try to place yourself in his shoes and think to yourself 'in the blur of action, what would stand out most to me?

Yes. Actually I wanted this to be a piece which took its inspirations from First Person shooting games [FPS]. Its actually like a homage to Left 4 Dead. I slowed it down while righting and things got into doldrums.

#2 - Nik

FWIW, writing combat is *hard*. IMHO, it is a bit like writing tight verse, where every breath taken or not carries weight, and each syllable must vie for its place. This feels well along the sharpening process...

Yes. I understand it better now. Will improve the second draft. Thanks.

#3 - J Riff

I understand the point you make Riff. Will make sure everything is changed in the next post. Thanks for your pointers.

#4 - Chris

"Carrier"? Genetically immune and could be used as a source of retro genes? Tissue cloned for antibody production? Or just got a little bottle of something that confers immunity?

You jumped to the gun early, Chris. Actually I never got into the thought of explaining the word. So, I am very sorry that I don't have an answer for that question.

The infected being presumably undead. The decomposition would inconvenience them somewhat, no?

I don't understand the point you are trying to make.

how can it contrast with the dark sky? Does it glow (in which case he'd be able to see it quite well) Or is it a vague silhouette, where it blanks out the stars (in which case no contrast)

A problem I have been experiencing from the beginning. You'll find the same problems in my previous posts. Damn!.

Thanks Chris. Your red makes the page look better. I will try to refine it. Thanks once again.

#5 - ctg

This piece shows that its a first draft and not a polished piece. Or then you're not just experience writer

Yes. It is a first draft and an unpolished piece. Yes, I am also an inexperienced writer. Yes. I also get the idea on how it should go. Thanks for your pointers, ctg.

#6 - TheEndIsNigh

Given all the other comments the only thing I would add is that it's an odd beginning. We are given the impression that his is some kind of observational report about the subject. However at no point de we see a hint the observer.

Yes, but I haven't given a thought in that direction.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew! I hope it covers everyone. I will be back with a more polished effort. Thanks for critiquing. Will try to improve. Thanks once again to everyone.

Vector7

 

[grimorian]

I love zombies. I really don't have anything to offer that someone else hasn't already said. But I like the idea you've got going on so far and look forward to seeing the next draft.

 

[R M Tobias]

A little hint someone once told me when writing action

Write the quick bits long and the slow bits fast.

Seeing as you're into FPS games, think of it like this. Most of the level you blow away hordes of easy foes, its quick to kill each one but it takes up most of your time. Then you get to the big bad at the end of the level. It takes longer to kill this one baddy so it garners a bit more focus for you, even if over the scheme of the level it only represents a small percent of action.

 

[dustinzgirl]

The beginning is very Resident Evil. I wouldn’t use it unless you really, really want to. We begin with Alex on a debris ridden platform....why? What is his purpose? Is it attached to a building, or just randomly floating there? Platform is a game term....or military one...better suited would be something like ‘fallen balcony’ or ‘crumbled top floor ledge’ or something to set the scene up a bit more. Just a few words, nothing amazing.
He heard a huge roar from the surface....so he is underground? You don’t need the expletive there, it detracts from the natural tension. You could have him hold his breath, or take quiet, controlled breaths...I wouldn’t be breathing heavy in such a situation....he surveyed his own condition...erm, I’d hope he’d kind of know what kind of condition he was in....but very decent description. You can always show us what he has, for instance – Alex checked his ammo, his black jacket rustling slightly, pulling cartridges from his camo trousers and workboots...ect, ect.
Do you mean that his mind is calm, or focused?
Why would he unscrew the light, isn’t there a switch?
And why would he WANT to be in the dark, rather than slink along the wall?
When you are out of ammo, its either because you suck at controlling your shots or because you have been on the road too long, but either way you’d better find another weapon. I’d suggest kicking down some form of sign pole and making a giant shiv, or otherwise inventing some awesomely giant sharp tool of zombie death.
I like your story, and its really good so far, just needs some common consistencies. Think of what you would do in such a situation. Or what you would NOT do.

Zombie and zombified creatures shouldn't have hot blood, but coagulated blood.
A non-zombie creature's blood upon death would smell fresh. If you kill something that bleeds, you can smell the blood its like a dirty metal smell, you don't need to touch it. I sure as hell wouldn't.

 

[chrispenycate]

I think (from the evidence given) that it is a subway platform, for some urban transport system, as it has ticket turnstiles and you go upstairs to reach the ground.

This would explain why no light switches available to the public (though not "yellow incandescent" – that's a recipe for blistering your fingers – nor why he could get to it to unscrew it – you normally make access only for qualified personnel (with tool LB46) in these places, otherwise they're stolen almost faster than they can be replaced.

 

[Xelah]

Error of some kind.
Personal notes.

Subject: ALEX CARTER
Age: 20
Medical Detail: Survivor – possible carrier of the cure for the virus

Alex carefully made his way around the debris-filled platform making sure he made no noise. He held in his hand a .357 magnum pistol attached with a flashlight.Attached with a flashlight? That sounds like he's carrying around a flashlight with a gun duct taped to it. He stopped midway through the platform and waited for any sign of disturbance around him. There was none.<--- passive voice... it bugs some readers (see Xelah)

This should be a new paragraph.
He took another step and suddenly he stiffened his leg and pointed the gun towards the stairs. He heard a huge roar from the surface. ****! The roar filtered through every other second. After about two minutes, everything became silent. Alex waited in his position, taking heavy breaths. A minute passed and he quickly but quietly made his way to the stairs. He jumped over the ticket gate and crouched. He waited for a minute before standing up and making his way up the stairs. Alex waited at the first landing, which was dimly lit by a yellow-incandescent bulb. He surveyed his own condition: a black Nomex jacket, black-grey camouflage trousers and boots. He had a sling in which he had attached his ‘whip-it’ sawn-off shotgun and a .357 magnum pistol. The only problem he had was the ammo; he did not have much. Reading this I think I'm coming to understand what people keep telling me about tempo during dramatic scenes. This section is wordy, cut out the unnecessary words to speed up the action here.

‘Ammunition before everything else’ was the only thought in his calm mind.Passive voice again. >:[ He reached up to the bulb and slowly unscrewed it and placed it on the floor. Alex did not want his figure clearly marked against the light from the bulb when he stood at the surface. It would have decreased his chances of living by quite a margin given his situation with the ammunition. He calmly climbed the stair holding his pistol ready for action with its flashlight turned off. He reached the top of the stairs and stared at the dead thing in disbelief. Exactly what's happening here isn't clear. I get that he's hiding, but I had to read through this paragraph twice to get what he's actually up to

On the ground before him, lay a gargantuan beast called the Minfect. He crouched near it and touched the blood it was hot.

“The roaring I heard, must have been due to this big guy here. Whatever killed it must be nearby”, he muttered under his breath. That screams taboo on so many levels... unless you're planning to kill the guy, I wouldn't make him touch the thing's blood.

He had heard things about the Minfect; during the first few weeks of the outbreak of the virus, most of the people became violent and cannibalistic. After the preliminary effects, the virus started to mutate in a very different manner. Soon the survivors began seeing infections with specialised conditions. Minfect was one of those advanced mutated conditions. Enormous, powerful and relatively quick, Minfect was the perfect killing machine. But, it had just been the start of the mutation.

Alex looked at the Minfect and quickly checked his surroundings. Everything was silent and nothing out of the ordinary was visible to him. He waited for any movement behind him. Everything was clear. The place he stood in was a small alley which opened into a main street littered with overturned cars and decomposing bodies of the infected and the dead. He took a step forward and crouched behind an overturned car. From his position he surveyed the rooftops. There were no threats Trying to focus on the more important bits, but the passive voice is driving me nuts..

He rose up from behind the car and walked quietly to another one. He heard a slurping noise from the other side of the upturned car. He lay prone on the ground and tried to catch a glimpse through the small holes of the crushed windows. It was one of the common infections feeding on its kill – another common infection. Cannibalism, he thought. He switched back to a crouched position and quickly rolled to the right and away from the car making sure he made no noise. He righted himself and held the gun tightly aiming directly at the head of the feeding infection. It sensed some movement and turned to face Alex with its bloodied, lacerated face. Bile forced its way to his mouth as he looked at the hopeless future of humanity and its survivors. He fought it back and fired three shots puncturingodd verb choice the infection’s face. He waited for any signs of life. There was none. He turned back to see a run-down bakery behind him. It was dark and completely trashed. He switched on his flashlight attached to the gun. A blood-spattered wall greeted him. Taking a heavy breath he rose up and sighed. Then all of a sudden a blood-curdling roar erupted.

Alex jerked to life and checked his left. There was nothing out of the ordinary. He turned to his right. A car was flying through the air right towards him. In a rapid response he dove forward transferring his momentum to a roll as he vanished into the darkness of the bakery. The car crashed with a loud noise going up in flames. He could feel his back against the wall. The light from the explosion showed his problem. Three common infected were flanking him. He switched his flashlight on and rolled forward as the infected came upon him. He rolled forward again and twisted to face his adversaries. He squeezed of two shots. One fell. He jumped up and started walking backward against the bright backdrop of the flames taking the other two infections. His magazine was empty. A movement on his right side caught his eye. He turned to see a huge Minfect carrying a car looking at his direction. He stumbled backward and fell. Then, everything slowed down to the flap of the hummingbird’s wings. A huge chain-like thing snatched at the car from behind the Minfect. It erupted in flames as the huge infection roared again. It jumped forward away from him its gargantuan figure contrasting against the night sky. What is it contrasting against? By details in the story, power in the city is still on and there'd be "sky glow" shrouding the stars.A roar echoed through his ears as he strained to see the Minfect’s adversary.

 

[vector7]

I have managed to edit large portions and at the end re-wrote everything from the start. I hope this one is better. I will post it shortly after proof-reading it.

 

[vector7]

Re: The Infected World - A Zombie apocalypse [Re-write]

I have proof-read it. Some problems might have missed my eye. It for you to check. Thanks for your pointers. This is a much longer version and hopefully a better one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: ALEX CARTER (Survivor)
Age: 20
Medical Detail: Increased adrenaline exposure might lead to some kind of mutation as seen in specimen-347. Visual confirmation required from real world testing.

The debris ridden subway platform was dark and its air laden with the smell of blood. Alex stood in the middle of the platform with a pistol in his hand. He carefully made his way across the platform stopping every five seconds to check for any sound. His body tightened involuntarily when he heard the first roar from the surface. He took a heavy breath and waited. Another roar echoed, this time stronger. The roar grew stronger and stronger. Abruptly, it fell silent. Alex stood there straining his ears for any distinguishable sound. There was none.

He carefully made his way forward making sure he made no sound. He jumped over the ticket turnstile and crouched to muffle the sound of his jump. He stood up slowly and checked his gear: a black sleeveless t-shirt over which he wore a nomex fireproof jacket and a black-grey camouflage trouser tucked into rubber-soled boots. He had a Ruger P95 pistol in his hands. The pistol was his favourite due to the picatinny rail it came with. This enabled him to attach the much-needed flashlight. He had several cartridges of the ammunition in his trouser pocket.

He walked forward to the landing before the stairs taking each step slowly and carefully. A lone light bulb throwing random shadows lighted the stair. He came up to another landing. He paused and looked up at the surface. The moon was full lending a spooky outlook to the whole night.

Will I survive the night? He thought.

He was calm but being a survivor in an infected-filled city had enough reasons for him to go into depression. It had been several weeks since he had seen another survivor and the very thought of being the last human on Earth disturbed him. Alex shook his head clearing his mind of the disturbing thoughts. He checked his pistol one final time and climbed the final steps to the surface.

He was partly crouched when he came up on the surface. He looked forward at the destroyed road of his city. Cars were overturned and puddles of water speckled under the moonlight. Some puddles filled with blood. Alex stopped and carefully scanned his surroundings and the rooftop of the apartments and shops. He could not see anything that was dangerous. He carefully made his way to an overturned car and crouched behind it. He could hear a slurping sound from behind the car. Alex paused for a moment, contemplating on what to do.

He carefully stepped away from the car simultaneously going backwards and sideways to flank the source of the sound. He was halfway away from the car when he saw something that looked like a leg. He continued his movement and stopped suddenly. A common infected was feeding on something he could not identify. Nevertheless, he knew what he had to do. He aimed at the head of the common infected and switched on the flashlight. The beam of light illuminated the rotten, scarred face of the infected, now drenched in blood from feeding. He could see a piece of flesh between its teeth. Its pupils dilated for a second slowly contracted.

Cannibalism? He asked to himself.

The lips of the infected twisted and it rose up from the ground and staggered towards him. Alex came out of his reverie and placed a perfect shot to the head. Blood spattered backwards as the infected lurched forward. It had slowed down but still did not die. Two shots later, it was down. Alex was shuddering from the adrenaline flowing through his body. His body was shaking and a minute later, he became normal.

He stood up and walked to the now dead infected. He smiled weakly at the mutilated blood-soaked figure and carefully scanned his surroundings again. It was clear. He walked forward to the thing on which the infected was feeding. Alex took in his breath sharply. It was the mutated version of the infected: called the Tank. This was the first time he was seeing it and he was happy that it was dead. The Tank was normally around six feet tall and very strong. Alex had heard stories about the Tank able to lift cars and break down brick walls, but it did not matter now. He crouched beside the Tank.

Whatever killed this Tank must be nearby. I must be careful.

The one he was crouching beside looked to be around six feet. Alex approximated the weight of the Tank to be around six hundred pounds. Its arms were muscular with its upper body smaller comparatively smaller than its legs. He sighed in relief and got up. A roar echoed through the road. Alex quickly reloaded his pistol and scampered on top of an overturned car. He could not see anything.

He let out his breath slowly calming himself down. Then out of nowhere, a car was flying towards him. He stood there completely shocked and in the last minute jumped to the right rolling into a dark closed shop. The car exploded on contact with the ground creating a blaze illuminating the surroundings in yellowish-orange light. The glass in the shop shattered on his contact. He had lost his pistol. He staggered up and looked around.

****!

Something heavy fell on his back. He could feel the drooling. He twisted back staring into the mutilated face of a common infected. He pushed it backwards falling on the ground. He crawled backward as the infected rose up lurching towards him. Alex’s hand fell on a knife. He threw it the knife at the infected successfully lodging it in its eyes. He jumped up and ran outside, his eyes searching for his lost weapon. It was close to the burning car. He rolled towards the pistol, picking it up and simultaneously twisted towards the infected. He placed three shots on the infected, killing it. The pistol was burning into his skin after its exposure to the burning car. His eyes were watering. He paid no attention to it and checked the dark shop. Everything was clear.

He threw the pistol down, tearing a piece of cloth and wrapping it over his hand. Alex winced in pain from the pain from his burnt skin. He picked the fallen pistol and removed the knife from the dead infected. He crouched taking a long breath before inserting the knife into his boot. Alex had nearly returned to normal when he sensed some disturbance to his right. He twisted towards the source of disturbance pointing his flashlight. A huge, seven-foot tall Tank stood there holding a car overhead…

 

[grimorian]

It sorta reminds me of like, Left 4 Dead fan fiction. The name and description of the Tank is almost straight out of the L4D instruction manual. If a story set in the L4D world is not what you're going for, I'd probably work on changing at least the Tank around a bit. Also, your repeating of words such as (in order of appearance) Sound, Car, Crouched/crouching so close together kinda took away from the flow a bit for me.

Other than that, I liked it.

 

[vector7]

Yea, its true that it sounds like a L4D fan fiction. I wrote the piece when I first played the game. Also, I was washed out of creativity- couldn't get another name. V

 

[grimorian]

Maybe if you took away Alex's knowledge about the infected, it might work a bit better. As long as it's not vital to the story at this point in time, he can always pick it up the knowledge later. So instead of "There's a tank coming. It can throw cars, runs through walls, 600 pounds, alright, got all the facts, time to run" and just go more of "Oh crap, that's a big friggin zombie wielding a car coming at me!"

You could get the point across that it's huge, can throw cars, run through walls, without having to come right out and say it. It could at least be stretched to be another page or two of showing the Tank's abilities as it chases Alex down, etc. The less information Alex has at first, the more intense things could get, and you'd have much more freedom in what Alex could try/do to escape with him being oblivious to the facts rather than knowing exactly whats after him and the best way to escape.

 

[dacianb]

I think is quite a challenge to come with something new and original on a zombie story. So I wish you good luck!!