As I explained in another thread just a moment ago, I don't have all the words for what's right, but since TJ has them, I don't need to use them here. Instead, I can offer what would look right to me, and everyone can throw Skittles at me should I lead you astray of TJ's correctitude.
With sleek, long black hair and long (get rid of one of the longs) legs wrapped tight in black leather to match, she entered the club. Jack couldn't help but take notice; she stood out from the regular clientele.
|| Pause.
This sentence (original coupling: She stood out from the regular clientelle. At about four years older than their average, they consider her one of the "momma's and poppa's".) being followed by what the clubbers call her tells the reader that she's not the regular clientele because she's four years older than the average member. You go on to talk about techs and trends, though, so you imply that the reason she stands out is instead related to the fact that she's not keeping up with them. Given that you've only told us she has long legs and hair, both of which are currently black, there's no illustration of trending present, for good or bad. If you set something up (e.x. "She was unusual.") follow it up as soon as possible with
why ("She was unusual, if for no other reason than the fact that florescent pink hair was not often seen within the Vatican.").
You may continue, now.
The club's regulars regarded her as something they liked to call a "momma", though she couldn't have been more four years older than their eldest. Techs and trends moved so fast, though, and generational gaps clicked over so often that it wasn't always easy to stay en vogue long enough to please them. Jack mused about it, thinking it a shame that such a fine creature would be considered an outsider here, in this room full of proud freaks. But then, Jack was a "poppa", too -- a person aware of the fads, both the ideas and the tech behind them, who could easily adopt them and conform to [or alongside] the new batch of non-conformists, but with the freedom to ignore them.
I'm going to stop you there for a second.
You said that she was a momma because she's four years older than their average, yet what you defined a papa as being is a chameleon who stays on top of the trends and manages to fit in. I'm assuming that's not necessarily what you meant. Whether it is or isn't, though, it's something you need to be aware of when writing, that we don't know the actual intent in your head from sentence to sentence, so you have to make sure you give us all pertinent information.
Additionally, you give conflicting definitions for "mommas and poppas". I can list "Older than the average", "techs and trends" play a part, and "a person aware of the fads, both the ideas and the tech behind them . . .". The last is what confuses the whole mess of it, and it's because "mommas and papas" implies a generational gap, so the "four years older" is understandable, it's therefore assumed that someone outside what they consider to be their generation wouldn't be able to keep up with their constantly changing trends, and you define "papa" as someone who does just that, someone who keeps up. You don't want to do that to us, you want us to know exactly what you mean.
Oh, and if you put "momma" in quotations, you should put "papa" in quotations as well. It indicates that he acknowledges the terms, but only that they exist, that they're used to describe people like the two of them, not that he uses them regularly himself. It sets him apart, marks him as an outsider better than telling us he is one.
Let us continue, though.
He was all too aware that he lived in a time where a person with the right know-how and the right money could be whomever they wanted to be, as well as whomever the world wanted them to be at the same time.
Jack watched her walk an invisible tight rope to the bar from behind slimline sunglasses that only almost disguised his interest. She stopped just a bar stool's breadth away from him.
Gar, the barman, lifted a hand to cut her off just as dark violet lips were parting to order. "Sorry, hun, members only."
The Gar part: In my experience (since I can't speak with full grammatical authority here), because he is interjecting something before she does something herself, it's best to let us know that she was in the process of doing it before his words come into play. To have him speak before we know she was about to, gave me a sort of mental rewind. That is to say, once I knew he was interrupting her, I had to sort of re-imagine the scene to have her try to speak first. I don't think it's something as unforgiving as a rule, but it's a helpful guideline to keep in mind.
And to finish!
"I just want a drink," she said, her tone indicating that she was less than insulted, but more than annoyed.
That last part there, "less than insulted . . .", it's important to remember that if you're telling things from Jack's viewpoint, he can't know definitively that she was less than insulted, but more than annoyed. It's only his perception that she is. As such, it should be illustrated to the reader that the narrator isn't psychic.
So, I hope that as an illustration it's helpful. I know I always have an easier time internalizing these things when I'm given an example of an explanation, and an explanation of an example.
