Excerpt from book 2 Lancifer scene.

[anthorn]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]This is a scene from book 2 chapter 10, a scene in which the bad guy wins so to speak. The bad guy has succeeded in manipulating some one to kill another for her. Not because she can't do it herself, but because of the blood oath that they took years ago, that she honours.
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Thoughts appreciated. It's a first draft and was written in August while i was in hospital.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Was brought to my attention that is was similar to a scene from Lost, so i changed it as much as i could.
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin followed reluctantly noting how Rosinas hands went to her knives, this it, he thought, the moment that everything has been leading up to.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace][/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Natural born killer.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Reaching Lancifer had made him a lot more aware of the dead silence, unease prickled his skin but he still followed her into its shadow. With a cringe he spotted the dried blood smeered upon the door, Rosina turned to him, “are you ready to change your life?” Nodding he took a knife and helped her open the doors.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Inside it was dark and cold and he could barely make out the stairs on his right and a stone block to his right that stood a foot from another room with a small light burning within. From what he could see, was that this room opened up into several others.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Amazing isn't it?” She said, “hasn't aged a day, this place.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin looked at her, perplexed. “Have you been here before?”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]In a manner of speaking,” Rosina said edging closer to the room on the left.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin fell in line beside her as she craned her neck to try and see inside. He could feel his heart begin to pound and sweat dotted his brow and soaked his palms.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]This is it,” Rosina said, “can you still do this Terin?”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]In response he twirled his knife, “natural born killer,” he said and he noted the look of excitement in the womans face. His own eyes as they entered were drawn to the several tapestries on the walls, the nearest one listed names; Xebiar, Sarakus, Delnoir, his name, and they each had different dates next to them. He forced himself to look away, noticing for the first time what Rosina stared at, the woman facing away from them in the corner.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]It takes a very long time to make the connections, to tie the threads together. Sometimes they need that little extra nudge, but it has to be subtle,” the woman said.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]You can't hide from me any more Kara,” Rosina said stepping closer, “I told you didn't I, all those years ago? That one day I would find a way around the blood oath.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]There was a pause, the woman turned and her shoulders sagged. Terin was struck by the sadness in her eyes, I know that sadness, “and I told you that when you did I would be right here.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]And here we are, now after a thousand years we reach the end game,” Rosina said.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]So what do I call you now then? Rosina or Xara?” Kara asked. She was, Terin thought, surprisingly calm.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I think we are past playing games now, Anwyn.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Kara/Anwyn nodded, “as you say, Silendra.”
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Anwyn? Silendra? He felt as though he should know those names, warning bells rung inside his mind but his attention was pulled back again and again to the names on the wall. “What is that?” He asked, “these names, they're our names. What do they mean and why are they written on your wall?”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Your names are on that wall because you are special, all of you,” Kara began.” This woman here, her and I go back a long way, a very long way, and I knew she would have no problems using people to get what she wanted. She was responsible for a war Terin, a very bad war and all she wants is to bring that war here. Your names are on that tapestry because at certain points your lives were changed, paths altered all so she could get to this point. You can't trust her, she's dangerous.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]That doesn't matter Terin, none of it does,” she said turning to him, “all that matters is that here, right now you have a chance to take your life into your hands again. You can change your life.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Kara took a step forward, “listen to me, she's lying, everything she has told you has been a lie. We came here to stop her from ruining your land like she ruined ours.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Rosinas laugher was harsh and brittle, “you started that war not me. All I want to do is to go home-”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Why are you manipulating us?” Terin interrupted, he had heard enough and was not going to stand by while these people talked like he didn't exist. He didn't care why these two hated each other, he only wanted answers.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I'm not manipulating you, I've never done that to any of you,” Rosina said, “she is.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]We both are, Terin, I'm sorry,” admitted Kara.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin shook his head, unsure of what to think, he wanted to scream. “What gives you the right? What gives any of you the right, eh?” He said shaking with anger, “I wanted to be a Guardian, I wanted to be a hero! But that didn't fit into your plans, did it? That didn't suit your little feud! Why couldn't you leave us all alone? Why couldn't you let us make our own mistakes, our own choices?”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Because you are stupid,” she replied, “you don't know what you want, so why don't you leave? Let us discuss things Aspect to Aspect.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin froze, stunned by the dismissal, it was as though he didn't matter at all, “you're wrong,” he said and he thrust the knife deep into her chest and then pulled it out.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Kara slumped forward gasping and spitting out blood, her eyes betrayed her surprise and fear. Silendra who still wore the face of Rosina crouched beside her, “I guess I win then. Now tell me where is it, where is that little gollum?”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Despite her pain, Kara laughed, “y-you'll never find it, you'll n-not win, he's coming for you, my son is-” with a slow release of air she turned to ash and crumbled.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Wrong, I have won. I already know where it is,” she said taking the knife and handing it back to him, “thank you for doing what I asked you to do Terin. Now listen carefully, I need you to go and get Anthorn, he and I need to talk.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]About what?”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Rosina took a knife from her belt, examined it then started to clean her nails, “that's between me and him now.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin hesitated but seeing the look of murder in her eyes she hurried out the room. No choice, no choice at all.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Natural born killer.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]#[/FONT]

 

[J Riff]

There's some spelling and punctuation and capitals, that should have been fixed before postage, and umbrage could be taken with the odd paragraph, viz:

Reaching Lancifer, he became more aware of the dead silence. (otherwise, 'reaching Lancifer' made him more aware...which it didn't)

Unease prickled (under?)his skin(,) but he still followed her into Lancifer's (murky or something descriptive. evil, inky) shadow.

He cringed when he spotted dried blood smeared on the door.
Rosina turned to him and said “(A)re you ready to change your life?” Nodding(,) he took a knife and helped her pry open the door.

Inside(,) it was dark and cold and he could barely make out somestairs and a stone block(,) which stood a foot away from another room. A small light burned within and from what he could see, this room opened into several others.

 

[alchemist]

It is quite reminiscent of Lost - the pact, getting another to kill, the aspect's desire to leave, the names on the wall. Still, if the rest is sufficiently different, you'll get around it.

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin followed reluctantly noting how Rosinas hands went to her knives, this it, he thought, the moment that everything has been leading up to.I presume the underlined parts are to be italicised.[/FONT]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Natural born killer.[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Reaching Lancifer had made him a lot more aware of the dead silence. Unease prickled his skin but he still followed her into its shadow what's shadow?. With a cringe he spotted the dried blood smeered smeared upon the door, Rosina turned to him,fullstop and capital “are you ready to change your life?” Nodding comma he took a knife and helped her open the doors.First time, i thought he had used the knife to open the door[/FONT]

Monster sentence coming up...
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Inside it was dark and cold suggest fullstop and he could barely make out the stairs on his right suggest fullstop and a stone block (to his right)suggest delete or rephrase that stood a foot from another room with a small light burning within. From what he could see, (was that) deletethis room opened up into several others.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Amazing isn't it?” she said, fullstop and capital“hasn't aged a day, this place.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin looked at her, perplexed. “Have you been here before?”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]In a manner of speaking,” Rosina said comma edging closer to the room on the left.[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin fell in line beside her as she craned her neck to try and see inside. He could feel his heart begin to pound and sweat dotted his brow and soaked his palms.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]This is it,” Rosina said, “can you still do this Terin?”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]In response he twirled his knife, “capitalnatural born killer,” he said and he noted the look of excitement in the womans face. His own eyes as they entered were drawn to the several tapestries on the walls, the nearest one listed names; Xebiar, Sarakus, Delnoir, his name, and they each had different dates next to them. He forced himself to look away, noticing for the first time what Rosina stared at, the woman facing away from them in the corner.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]It takes a very long time to make the connections, to tie the threads together. Sometimes they need that little extra nudge, but it has to be subtle,” the woman said.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]You can't hide from me any more Kara,” Rosina said stepping closer, “I told you didn't I, all those years ago? That one day I would find a way around the blood oath.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]There was a pause, the woman turned and her shoulders sagged. Terin was struck by the sadness in her eyes, I know that sadness, “ capitaland I told you that when you did I would be right here.”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]And here we are, now after a thousand years we reach the end game,” Rosina said.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]So what do I call you now then? Rosina or Xara?” Kara asked. She was, Terin thought, surprisingly calm.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I think we are past playing games now, Anwyn.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Kara/Anwyn nodded, “as you say, Silendra.” [/FONT]



[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Anwyn? Silendra? He felt as though he should know those names, warning bells rung inside his mind but his attention was pulled back again and again to the names on the wall. “What is that?” He asked, “these names, they're our names. What do they mean and why are they written on your wall?”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Your names are on that wall because you are special, all of you,” Kara began.” This woman here, her and I go back a long way, a very long way, and I knew she would have no problems using people to get what she wanted. She was responsible for a war Terin, a very bad war and all she wants is to bring that war here. Your names are on that tapestry because at certain points your lives were changed, paths altered all so she could get to this point. You can't trust her, she's dangerous.”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]That doesn't matter Terin, none of it does,” she said turning to him, “all that matters is that here, right now you have a chance to take your life into your hands again. You can change your life.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Kara took a step forward, “listen to me, she's lying, everything she has told you has been a lie. We came here to stop her from ruining your land like she ruined ours.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Rosinas laugher was harsh and brittle, “you started that war not me. All I want to do is to go home-”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Why are you manipulating us?” Terin interrupted, he had heard enough and was not going to stand by while these people talked like he didn't exist. He didn't care why these two hated each other, he only wanted answers.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I'm not manipulating you, I've never done that to any of you,” Rosina said, “she is.”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]We both are, Terin, I'm sorry,” admitted Kara.[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin shook his head, unsure of what to think, he wanted to scream. “What gives you the right? What gives any of you the right, eh?” He said shaking with anger, “I wanted to be a Guardian, I wanted to be a hero! But that didn't fit into your plans, did it? That didn't suit your little feud! Why couldn't you leave us all alone? Why couldn't you let us make our own mistakes, our own choices?”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Because you are stupid,” she replied, “you don't know what you want, so why don't you leave? Let us discuss things Aspect to Aspect.” I'm surprised here. Why did she go from being sorry, to suddenly being nasty?[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin froze, stunned by the dismissal, it was as though he didn't matter at all, “you're wrong,” he said and he thrust the knife deep into her chest and then pulled it out.[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Kara slumped forward gasping and spitting out blood, her eyes betrayed her surprise and fear. Silendra who still wore the face of Rosina crouched beside her, “I guess I win then. Now tell me where is it, where is that little gollum?”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Despite her pain, Kara laughed, “y-you'll never find it, you'll n-not win, he's coming for you, my son is-” with a slow release of air she turned to ash and crumbled.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Wrong, I have won. I already know where it is,” she said taking the knife and handing it back to him, “thank you for doing what I asked you to do Terin. Now listen carefully, I need you to go and get Anthorn, he and I need to talk.”[/FONT]


“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]About what?”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Rosina took a knife from her belt, examined it then started to clean her nails, “that's between me and him now.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Terin hesitated but seeing the look of murder in her eyes she hurried out the room. No choice, no choice at all.[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Natural born killer.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]#[/FONT]

Sorry, I didn't have time to go over the whole thing. Apart from the punctuation, and some long sentences, it's pretty good, IMO. I think most of the dialogue is plausible. Good luck.

 

[anthorn]

Yeah thanks, I made corrections. I am not good with punctuation, it was never covered in english lessons at school, they just assumed that you knew. That's England for you.

I don't understand this capital letter after a " even if it's part of a sentance.
Example.
Bob was looking at her when she spoke to him, "hi," she said.
"Hi lucy," he replied. "How are you?"
That sort of thing.

The natural born killer thing isn't a title so to speak, it's just something he believes he is.

So a comma is , and is used for a pause in the sentance, like where someone might breath while reading?
A ; is so that you can have a longer sentance?
And a : is when you list things?

Yeah, the woman (Kara) is supposed to come off as a bitch. The End-Lords tend to have a low regard for people not of their race.

Thanks both of you.

 

[J Riff]

You might want to say 'A Natural born killer.' at the beginning and at the end..
Otherwise, this is the place to learn about punctuation, just wait till Chris has a go.
And it does make a huge difference, punctuation does... maybe chek out The Oatmeal or some other sites. )
Otherwise it's swell. )