Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I didn't get it initially. Stuff puzzled me like Why are they trying to leave? What's foolish about trying to leave? If it's dangerous, why are they bothering? etc etc
 
Hi JS Wiig, having read your story, I did wonder whether his father's words were No such thing as waste, just a matter of who’s going to use it, Hidden treasures lie amongst twisted metal and wires or Don’t give up what is, for what might be. It could easily have been any of these.

But as others have said, I think that the main issue was trying to get too much into 75 Words. A man surviving by living off the failed attempts of others to escape is an interesting concept, but would perhaps have been more suited to the 100 or 300 word Challenge than the 75. For what it's worth, I think you made the right choice in entering the story that you did, as it's more coherent and focused than this one; which is probably why you did.
 
I did appreciate getting some shortlistings for my April entry, but I would appreciate some feedback on how I could have improved it. Was it too downbeat, or not enough of a story, or just not up to the standard of other entries?

Thankyou in advance.



Undying Love


"Am I..."

"Undead?" she smiled. "Not quite. I've partaken of your lifeblood; it only remains for you to reciprocate." At this she proffered her jugular, "Join with me."

"If I refuse?"

"You will... linger, withering like a flower bereft of sunlight; until your whitened bones crumble, scattering to the four winds."

"If I accept, what of my soul?"

"What matter is a soul when I offer you immortality, my love?"

"Go to hell," I replied.
 
@paranoid marvin, I think it had story enough for 75 words, but I find stories with more narrative between the dialogue to be more fleshed out. To avoid the whole floating head thing, you know? I would have liked to see him struggle a bit more with his choice (I don't know the extent of their relationship, but I'm assuming he loves her and that should be a hard decision, despite what she did), but that's asking a lot for only 75 words. I think you nailed the theme, though -- stuck between mortal and immortal. Very tragic.
 
@paranoid marvin: I thought it was a good story, I might have even given it a Short listing, but don't remember for sure. The only thing I would point to a weakness is that the beginning of the story did not give me enough background. Were they lovers? Had he been shanghaied? Was he there by mistake?

But let me reiterate, that was a good story because I think that's the most important thing to remember.
 
@paranoid marvin FWIW I find entries that only feature straight-up dialogue, like a play, in the 75-word challenge, will struggle. I understand why one might do it - to get as much dialogue in as possible into the 75-word limit - but it's sacrificing setting and description as a result. And if you're just working with dialogue then it has to be excellent to stand out.

Taste also comes into it - these dialogue-only entries are not to my taste (although @Starbeast gets a pass from me as I feel we're kindred spirits with our brand of off-kilter hypotyposis) - and I like entries that can paint a little vignette.

Having said all that... it is a nicely-written entry, but perhaps the ending isn't as punchy as it's supposed to be.
 
I experienced the last line as flat/disappointing. I liked it up to then. I don’t know why exactly I didn’t like it, but it immediately took the story out of contention in my listings. Maybe it was too abrupt, too much of a sudden change of pace in the prose to enable that last line twist that can really work.
 
@paranoid marvin , the only thing that perhaps put me off was the vampire theme. I tend to be drawn in more by SF narratives than by horror or fantasy. Having said that, I did just vote for three spooky stories in the 300 word challenge, so it isn't a firm rule. I think there are a number of recurring themes that might put people off, and maybe vampires are one of them. Same with orcs (or maybe that's just me).
 
Christine Wheelwright said:
@paranoid marvin , the only thing that perhaps put me off was the vampire theme. I tend to be drawn in more by SF narratives than by horror or fantasy. Having said that, I did just vote for three spooky stories in the 300 word challenge, so it isn't a firm rule. I think there are a number of recurring themes that might put people off, and maybe vampires are one of them. Same with orcs (or maybe that's just me).
Click to expand...


Thanks. I didn't think of that. Normally when writing horror I don't even consider vampires, but as you say they are quite a common go-to when reading/writing horror.

Hugh said:
I experienced the last line as flat/disappointing. I liked it up to then. I don’t know why exactly I didn’t like it, but it immediately took the story out of contention in my listings. Maybe it was too abrupt, too much of a sudden change of pace in the prose to enable that last line twist that can really work.
Click to expand...


Thanks. I also didn't like my last line, and I couldn't really put my finger on it as to why. It was meant in a way that could be construed as ambiguous, and within the very few words I had left to round it off.

Dan Jones said:
@paranoid marvin FWIW I find entries that only feature straight-up dialogue, like a play, in the 75-word challenge, will struggle. I understand why one might do it - to get as much dialogue in as possible into the 75-word limit - but it's sacrificing setting and description as a result. And if you're just working with dialogue then it has to be excellent to stand out.

Taste also comes into it - these dialogue-only entries are not to my taste (although @Starbeast gets a pass from me as I feel we're kindred spirits with our brand of off-kilter hypotyposis) - and I like entries that can paint a little vignette.

Having said all that... it is a nicely-written entry, but perhaps the ending isn't as punchy as it's supposed to be.
Click to expand...


Thanks. Usually when doing dialogue I try to strip out narrative and include it in the speech. I think I was more trying to get the theme accurate than the devices I used to get it across.

Parson said:
@paranoid marvin: I thought it was a good story, I might have even given it a Short listing, but don't remember for sure. The only thing I would point to a weakness is that the beginning of the story did not give me enough background. Were they lovers? Had he been shanghaied? Was he there by mistake?

But let me reiterate, that was a good story because I think that's the most important thing to remember.
Click to expand...


Thankyou for those positive words. I left the back story a little ambiguous, partly through intention, partly because I didn't have enough words to do it justice. It perhaps was a little too ambitious to expect the reader to fill in so many blank pieces.

THX1138 said:
@paranoid marvin I liked it but would have like to have seen more emotional conflict like @emrosenagel said. As it is, it read more like pillow talk to me.
I did find that I could take the last sentence both ways though; he could be saying either 'yes' or 'no' to the offer.
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Thanks. Yes, I think that I needed to dispense with the descriptive and get more meaningful dialogue instead.

emrosenagel said:
@paranoid marvin, I think it had story enough for 75 words, but I find stories with more narrative between the dialogue to be more fleshed out. To avoid the whole floating head thing, you know? I would have liked to see him struggle a bit more with his choice (I don't know the extent of their relationship, but I'm assuming he loves her and that should be a hard decision, despite what she did), but that's asking a lot for only 75 words. I think you nailed the theme, though -- stuck between mortal and immortal. Very tragic.
Click to expand...


Thankyou. I'm glad you got my intention of a person (now a being?) in limbo; not alive, yet not undead. Faced with the choice of being 'good' and fading away or 'evil' and having a new, immortal life. If I'd concentrated on the agony of choice - rather in getting to that moment - it might have worked better.
 
Hugh said:
I experienced the last line as flat/disappointing. I liked it up to then. I don’t know why exactly I didn’t like it, but it immediately took the story out of contention in my listings. Maybe it was too abrupt, too much of a sudden change of pace in the prose to enable that last line twist that can really work.
Click to expand...
I had the exact same experience. Was enjoying it a lot up until the last line. I found the change in tone jarring. I also really liked your penultimate line. Just now, after reading that line I was wondering why this didn't make my list. Then after reading the last line, I had my answer.
 
I noticed I managed to avoid almost everybodies shortlist with my story. Please let me know why this didn't work for you.

The Pilgrimage of the Firebird Cult

Sirinapa thrashed through the muddy swamp towards the mammoth firebird cocoons. Naked acolytes stood on totems, screaming prayers down at the mass of pilgrims as they trudged into the sacred site. The swamp’s floor became paved with trampled bodies.

Sirinapa climbed the husk of a virgin cocoon. She slit open its roof and lowered herself into its burning, transmogrifying liquid. An acolyte then sewed it shut. In darkness, Sirinapa drowned into her next life.
 
Therapist, this was a well visualised image of an alien ceremony. In the 75 Word Challenge, there is a fine line between descriptive text and what constitutes a story, and I thought that your entry sided more towards setting a scene than relating a tale.
 
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