Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Lacedaemonian]

No worries! I couldn’t possibly expect everyone to have seen those things and Im glad I got your initial thoughts without my explanation

I liked your story, @emrosenagel. I should have shortlisted it at the very least.

 

[Hugh]

I'll be very grateful if anyone can come up with suggestions for helping my story. There's something about it I really like, but I don't have it worked out to my satisfaction, and I'd be very interested in any ideas/tweaks.

Please note: apologies - though it may seem strangely limited, my focus is solely on improving the story. I have little interest with this one in feedback on whether people understood it or not, whether it hit the genre or not, how it could have been more vote-friendly etc..... I'm content with those aspects of it.

Given the above, should anyone have any thoughts, they'll be much appreciated.


Sol Invictus

It was midwinter and I was half asleep when the dragon crawled from my left ear muttering “Tootie frootie al rootie”

….. and then…..

I heard the angels singing, their choruses echoing wondrously within the stillness of the night.

“Awopbamboom” said the dragon nuzzling deep inside my heart, sending ripples of joy radiating everywhere.

I realised the sun had signalled its return, breathing new life into us once again, even into this old heart of mine.

 

[Parson]

@Hugh, I'm sorry. I would like to comment about the writing in this story, but when I can't understand it, I don't know enough to comment further. Was it supposed to ba a parable?

 

[Elckerlyc]

I'm with Parson, without understanding the story, it's not possible to point out where it could be improved.
Why do you think it needs improvement, if its vote-friendly-ness is not your worry in this case?

 

[Provincial]

Hi @Hugh,

I don’t warrant that my suggestions below actually improve the story, but they deal with the issues I had with it.

In the first paragraph I would change “the dragon” into “a dragon”, and perhaps in the fourth paragraph “the dragon” into “another dragon”, or something similar. It removes some possible confusion about the identity of the dragons, making clear that there are at least two of them, and stops the confusion from distracting attention away from the story.

I would change the last paragraph, which seemed a bit clunky to me, to read thus:
”The Sun had signalled her return, breathing new life again into all of us, even into this old heart of mine.”

I hope this preserves the meaning of the text adequately.

 

[Hugh]

@Parson wrote: I'm sorry. I would like to comment about the writing in this story, but when I can't understand it, I don't know enough to comment further. Was it supposed to be a parable?

Thank you greatly, Parson, for your interest. Not understanding it is absolutely fine. The important thing perhaps is whether someone connects with it or not. And it'd be very surprising if everyone did. If anyone at all does, that's great.

@Elckerlyc wrote: I'm with Parson, without understanding the story, it's not possible to point out where it could be improved.
Why do you think it needs improvement, if its vote-friendly-ness is not your worry in this case?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get into this kind of discussion.
Over time there've been maybe seven or eight stories that I've felt very privileged to have written and they still feel part of my inner life. I would never have written them if it hadn't been for this competition. One or two of those have garnered votes, one or two have been barely noticed if at all. On one occasion I was fortunate enough to win the competition, but though it was really really really great to have actually won, I didn't, and still don't, particularly value that story. Getting votes is wonderful, truly wonderful, but what's even better is feeling that I've written something of value to me.
So, I value this competition for occasionally finding stories in me that I cherish. These stories may or may not get votes - what is important to me is whether they have a deep connection with something in me.
This month's story that I posted has something in it that I really like, but I felt it could be tweaked in order to hit some note of inner satisfaction.

And @Provincial Thank you very much for your advice. It's definitely thought-provoking. You may have helped me move on with the last line.

And maybe that's enough....

 

[emrosenagel]

I may not understand why an ear-dragon is singing Little Richard, but there was a choice of word that nagged me a bit:

“Awopbamboom” said the dragon

I would have used "sang" or something similar instead. Maybe even cut out the dialog tag all together. The dragon nestling into his heart must have been a surge of energy, which I assume matches the explosive energy from that particular scat in the song. "Said" just doesn't convey it for me.

 

[Hugh]

I may not understand why an ear-dragon is singing Little Richard, but there was a choice of word that nagged me a bit:

I would have used "sang" or something similar instead. Maybe even cut out the dialog tag all together. The dragon nestling into his heart must have been a surge of energy, which I assume matches the explosive energy from that particular scat in the song. "Said" just doesn't convey it for me.

That's excellent advice. Many thanks.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I'll be very grateful if anyone can come up with suggestions for helping my story. There's something about it I really like, but I don't have it worked out to my satisfaction, and I'd be very interested in any ideas/tweaks.

Please note: apologies - though it may seem strangely limited, my focus is solely on improving the story. I have little interest with this one in feedback on whether people understood it or not, whether it hit the genre or not, how it could have been more vote-friendly etc..... I'm content with those aspects of it.

Given the above, should anyone have any thoughts, they'll be much appreciated.


Sol Invictus

It was midwinter and I was half asleep when the dragon crawled from my left ear muttering “Tootie frootie al rootie”

….. and then…..

I heard the angels singing, their choruses echoing wondrously within the stillness of the night.

“Awopbamboom” said the dragon nuzzling deep inside my heart, sending ripples of joy radiating everywhere.

I realised the sun had signalled its return, breathing new life into us once again, even into this old heart of mine.

Away from understanding and whether it conforms to the genre/theme, there's a couple of suggestions on improving the story itself.

I agree with 'a' dragon rather than 'the'. I would amend 'choruses' to 'chorus' (I assume they were all singing from the same hymn sheet?). I would also capitalise 'sun'. There's also really no need for 'I realised', as you go on to confirm it; 'show and tell' and all that.

 

[Hugh]

Away from understanding and whether it conforms to the genre/theme, there's a couple of suggestions on improving the story itself.

I agree with 'a' dragon rather than 'the'. I would amend 'choruses' to 'chorus' (I assume they were all singing from the same hymn sheet?). I would also capitalise 'sun'. There's also really no need for 'I realised', as you go on to confirm it; 'show and tell' and all that.

Many thanks indeed. Very helpful.

 

[Provincial]

And @Provincial Thank you very much for your advice. It's definitely thought-provoking. You may have helped me move on with the last line.

And maybe that's enough....

Hi @Hugh,

Of course! There is only one dragon! It hears the angels celebrating and brings its joyful response with it as it leaves your ear, sharing it with you when it curls up inside your heart, and warms your heart too. It’s lovely!

I am guessing that this prose poem is written from the Earth’s point of view, but it could be that of any old man or woman, and the dragon could be anything, including a dragon. But none of that is really important to my mind. It is a story of joy being shared, and in doing so it shares joy with the reader - or it did with me, anyway!

Anyway, I’m changing my opinion. All you need to do is remove the first two words at the start of the last paragraph, because they aren’t necessary and they make the last paragraph somewhat wooden. They are the only things which don’t work.

 

[VRlass]

It was midwinter and I was half asleep when

is this part doing anything? Could you just start with "the dragon..."

I heard the angels singing, their choruses echoing wondrously within the stillness of the night.

Wait, why did he hear angels?

Awopbamboom

Does it mean something?

“Awopbamboom” said the dragon nuzzling deep inside my heart, sending ripples of joy radiating everywhere.

But what about the angels?

I realised the sun had signalled its return, breathing new life into us once again, even into this old heart of mine.

So, there was a dragon and angels and now the sun, just doing things I guess?
Might be lack of cultural reference to decode symbolism, but I have no clue what I just read.

 

[VRlass]

Ok me now
So the idea was that Helios--a sun god--takes a night off.
Since the night cannot end without him doing work eternal night starts.

The eternal’s night off

I'm sitting by a fireplace in complete stillness as if the world outside didn’t exist.
Holding a hot coco, in my favorite armchair. Covered in a blanket, with my lovely pets…
A moment like this truly lasts forever.
There is a knocking on my door.
“Excuse me, Mr. Helios,” the quiet voice of my neighbor pierces my idyllic bubble “Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“Nope,” I shout with joy “I am having a night off!”

 

[Elckerlyc]

Ok me now
So the idea was that Helios--a sun god--takes a night off.
Since the night cannot end without him doing work eternal night starts.

The eternal’s night off

I'm sitting by a fireplace in complete stillness as if the world outside didn’t exist.
Holding a hot coco, in my favorite armchair. Covered in a blanket, with my lovely pets…
A moment like this truly lasts forever.
There is a knocking on my door.
“Excuse me, Mr. Helios,” the quiet voice of my neighbor pierces my idyllic bubble “Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“Nope,” I shout with joy “I am having a night off!”

Your story was on my shortlist. I failed to vote (somehow I always lose track of the days between Christmas and New Years Eve), so I can't say which story eventually would have gotten my vote.

Personally I would be well and truly aggrieved if Mr. Helios took a night off, but I liked the story. I made me wonder what Eos would do if Helios stayed at home.
Perhaps it would be more suitable if it were written in 3rd person, in stead of 1st. But that's my view. And eh... does Helios a fireplace?

 

[Yozh]

@VRlass , I had to double check, b/c I thought I had shortlisted yours, but looks like not . Consider this an “honorable mention”. I did like the idea of this, because at some latitudes the solstice really is like the sun has gone on vacation. Something wanting in the execution for me, though. Maybe as Elckerlyc says 3rd person would have been a better fit? Bringing in the outside voice of the neighbor kind of broke the mood that was set in first paragraph.

 

[Provincial]

Hi @VRlass, I enjoyed your story when I read it, but it wasn’t clear to me that this was the start of eternal night, even though I could see it was a possibility. If you could tweak the text to allow you one additional word, I would change the “a” in “a night off” to “the whole”, as in “I’m having the whole night off“. But perhaps that wouldn’t be subtle enough for your tastes?

Or, thinking about it, maybe just change the “a” for a “the”. I dunno. It’s not like I’m an expert or anything!

Just one other thing... Coco is spelt “cocoa” in British English, or at least it is on my many tins and boxes of the stuff - I’m an addict. I was trying to see where Bardo is located before saying anything about it, but my Maps app tells me that Bardo could be in Turkey, Poland, or Pall Mall, London. They are all foreign countries to me, so I decided to cross my fingers and hope for the best…

 

[Hugh]

is this part doing anything? Could you just start with "the dragon..."

Wait, why did he hear angels?

Does it mean something?

But what about the angels?

So, there was a dragon and angels and now the sun, just doing things I guess?
Might be lack of cultural reference to decode symbolism, but I have no clue what I just read.

Thanks for your feedback @VRlass . As I said above, not understanding is absolutely fine. However, @Provincial has explained it wonderfully in the post previous to yours. Other than the approximate Tutti Frutti lyrics, I think the only other cultural reference is the title which I wouldn't expect anyone to get, and is not really necessary for the story - it's purely a personal nerdy tick box exercise to reinforce the connection to the theme of holidays. Sol Invictus is a reference to the big Roman holiday for the winter solstice, celebrated on the 25th December until Christianity became the official religion of the Empire.

 

[Hugh]

Ok me now
So the idea was that Helios--a sun god--takes a night off.
Since the night cannot end without him doing work eternal night starts.

The eternal’s night off

As you know, I liked and listed your story. I thought the whole idea of Helios taking the night off was inventive and a lot of fun. Looking at your explanation, I see I hadn't really appreciated the full implications of endless night. If you want to ensure the reader 'gets' that, it might be an idea to take a few words from earlier to make that clear. I thought the story was good as it stands.

I'd assumed your location meant that you are currently swanning around between life and death, but I realise now that it's an actual geographical place.

 

[Hugh]

Hi @Hugh,

Of course! There is only one dragon! It hears the angels celebrating and brings its joyful response with it as it leaves your ear, sharing it with you when it curls up inside your heart, and warms your heart too. It’s lovely!

I am guessing that this prose poem is written from the Earth’s point of view, but it could be that of any old man or woman, and the dragon could be anything, including a dragon. But none of that is really important to my mind. It is a story of joy being shared, and in doing so it shares joy with the reader - or it did with me, anyway!

Anyway, I’m changing my opinion. All you need to do is remove the first two words at the start of the last paragraph, because they aren’t necessary and they make the last paragraph somewhat wooden. They are the only things which don’t work.

That's really lovely @Provincial . Not only have you 'got' the story, but you've explained it better that I could have, and deepened my appreciation of it. Truly wonderful! Many thanks.
As it happens, the story is written from my point of view, my experience - my ear, my heart - so it's very interesting to become aware of other possibilities.
I take on board your suggestion, and @paranoid marvin 's to cut the first two words (I realise) of the last line and capitalise Sun. I think your suggestion for the last line is good, so at present I'm going with your last line, even including the Sun as female. Many thanks indeed.
”The Sun had signalled her return, breathing new life again into all of us, even into this old heart of mine.”

@emrosenagel I found your suggestion of 'sang' thought-provoking: many thanks. I believe it's essentially a quiet nuzzling, so I may stick with 'said', but I'm musing on alternatives....

All in all, very helpful feedback. Many thanks all!

 

[VRlass]

Your story was on my shortlist.

<3

I failed to vote (somehow I always lose track of the days between Christmas and New Years Eve), so I can't say which story eventually would have gotten my vote.

I know the pain... somehow I allways think the deadline is the end of the month

Personally I would be well and truly aggrieved if Mr. Helios took a night off,

I made me wonder what Eos would do if Helios stayed at home.

OMG this would be funny! I didn't think of that.
I wonder if it's against the rules to continue someone's story...

Perhaps it would be more suitable if it were written in 3rd person, in stead of 1st. But that's my view. And eh... does Helios a fireplace?

Yeah but you see, I was sitting in front of a fireplace writing this with my dogo on my lap, just thinking what to write about... somehow felt natural

@VRlass , I had to double check, b/c I thought I had shortlisted yours, but looks like not . Consider this an “honorable mention”.

ok, incrementing the shortlistcounter...

Bringing in the outside voice of the neighbor kind of broke the mood that was set in first paragraph.

Aww... didn't think of that. now that i think about it i could hint the problem in a different way...

Hi @VRlass, I enjoyed your story when I read it, but it wasn’t clear to me that this was the start of eternal night, even though I could see it was a possibility. If you could tweak the text to allow you one additional word, I would change the “a” in “a night off” to “the whole”, as in “I’m having the whole night off“. But perhaps that wouldn’t be subtle enough for your tastes?

Or, thinking about it, maybe just change the “a” for a “the”. I dunno. It’s not like I’m an expert or anything!

Just one other thing... Coco is spelt “cocoa” in British English, or at least it is on my many tins and boxes of the stuff - I’m an addict. I was trying to see where Bardo is located before saying anything about it, but my Maps app tells me that Bardo could be in Turkey, Poland, or Pall Mall, London. They are all foreign countries to me, so I decided to cross my fingers and hope for the best…

I am a Pole, currently located in a town called Bardo Śląskie in Poland.
It's one thing English punctuation follows different rules than ours, but I also run texts through 2 different proofreaders one of which is hardcoded for British, and the other for American. Sometimes in one order, sometimes another. There are words like "maybe" "baby" and "business" I will never learn how to spell correctly, and there are those like "center" that get me mental because "I am pretty darn sure that I have corrected it already in the previous proofreader..."

Sol Invictus is a reference to the big Roman holiday for the winter solstice

Isn't it a holiday in the name of Sol Invictus? I am pretty sure Sol Invictus was a god in the Roman Empire and there was a cool story of intrigues and betrayals and how it became the main theme.

Looking at your explanation, I see I hadn't really appreciated the full implications of endless night. If you want to ensure the reader 'gets' that, it might be an idea to take a few words from earlier to make that clear. I thought the story was good as it stands.

But I don't want it
When I create layered 300 worder I want this "dark souls effect" when people realize there is more to the thing than they thought. Also, I love the concept of something being read differently by 2 people. like in here:
OCTOBER 2022 -- 75 Word Writing Challenge -- VICTORY TO DAN JONES! you can read it as a "kido wakes up", or "a person dies" (the theme was light/dark so it was asking for it)

I'd assumed your location meant that you are currently swanning around between life and death, but I realise now that it's an actual geographical place.

Well, it is a temporary place of residence (on the opposite side of the country to where I normally live) but already quite a few big things changed for me while I am here, (I rediscovered the joy of writing, joined this forum... and few other personal things )
It would be epic metastory if I became a writer upon leaving this place