Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Hi JS Wiig. I think your writing style is very effective and I always enjoy reading your entries.

I do think that your story lost a little of its coherence in the last paragraph. It felt to me as though you were looking for an ambiguous ending. You're safe with me, yet he is being held beneath the waves. Perhaps if you had gone one way or the other, it may have had more impact.

Save your breath (or perhaps strength?) he heard, soothing. She held her new plaything tightly as they sank into the depths.
 
@JS Wiig
Max watched the woman’s head disappear beneath the waves. Someone save her. No one else had seen. He couldn’t swim but dove overboard anyway.

Water engulfed him and he panicked. Something grabbed his leg as he struggled for the surface. Scaly hands gently cupped his face. A blurry figure kissed him—it was the woman.

You’re safe with me he heard, soothing. She held him tight against her body and pulled him under.
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I feel like evil person to write this, but.
what story do I read:
  1. Guy sees a woman’s head disappearing under water, and assumes she is in danger. Options:
    1. he saw something that resembled a woman’s head, that disappeared—why doesn’t this guy assume it was something else, and not rly had?
    2. he saw someone swimming and at one point that person disappear —how long was this guy watching her? Doesn’t he have anything better to do? Is he a creepy stalking type?
  2. ‘He couldn’t swim but dove overboard anyway. Water engulfed him and he panicked.’ thoughts:
    1. minus points for not foreshadowing he was stupid.
    2. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS GUY’S PLAN?
  3. ’… as he struggled for the surface.’
    1. this guy, tries to save damsel… than he don’t. I understand he panicked, but by now I am sure I am reading a comedy.
  4. ‘… You’re safe with mehe heard… and pulled him under.’
    1. I double what Marvin said. I have no clue what are you doing with this story here. IMHO It would make sense to:
      1. make it into a independent-fishy-damsel-saving-knight story —you bailed it up for parody/commedy: ‘She held him tight against her body and pulled him to the shore.’
      2. build some sinister imagery around her words ‘You’re safe with me he heard, soothing, not noticing her sinister smile.’
      3. Indicate she is the save-fish-from-drowning type or add necessary description
  5. You’re safe with me he heard, soothing. She held him tight against her body and pulled him under.
The way you left it I am not sure what did I read:
  1. If this is a ‘dumb and crazy’ tale i don’t feel the comic vibes
  2. if it is a sinister story why make all characters illogical
Well this is what was in my head but seems like I am the only one with this trubles in here , so feel free to Disregard me :(
 
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VRlass said:
I feel like evil person to write this, but.
what story do I read:
  1. Guy sees a woman’s head disappearing under water, and assumes she is in danger. Options:
    1. he saw something that resembled a woman’s head, that disappeared—why doesn’t this guy assume it was something else, and not rly had?
    2. he saw someone swimming and at one point that person disappear —how long was this guy watching her? Doesn’t he have anything better to do? Is he a creepy stalking type?
  2. ‘He couldn’t swim but dove overboard anyway. Water engulfed him and he panicked.’ thoughts:
    1. minus points for not foreshadowing he was stupid.
    2. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS GUY’S PLAN?
  3. ’… as he struggled for the surface.’
    1. this guy, tries to save damsel… than he don’t. I understand he panicked, but by now I am sure I am reading a comedy.
  4. ‘… You’re safe with mehe heard… and pulled him under.’
    1. I double what Marvin said. I have no clue what are you doing with this story here. IMHO It would make sense to:
      1. make it into a independent-fishy-damsel-saving-knight story —you bailed it up for parody/commedy: ‘She held him tight against her body and pulled him to the shore.’
      2. build some sinister imagery around her words ‘You’re safe with me he heard, soothing, not noticing her sinister smile.’
      3. Indicate she is the save-fish-from-drowning type or add necessary description
  5. You’re safe with me he heard, soothing. She held him tight against her body and pulled him under.
The way you left it I am not sure what did I read:
  1. If this is a ‘dumb and crazy’ tale i don’t feel the comic vibes
  2. if it is a sinister story why make all characters illogical
Well this is what was in my head but seems like I am the only one with this trubles in here , so feel free to Disregard me :(
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The purpose of doing a critique is to give YOUR personal view. You did just that, and that's good! :)
 
VRlass said:
I double what Marvin said. I have no clue what are you doing with this story here. IMHO It would make sense to:
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Imagine the fish (or perhaps the fish people in this case) becoming the fisherman.

I left the ending open—perhaps a bit too open. Some readers liked it and others didn’t. Can’t please everyone most of the time :p

Thanks for your feedback, I greatly appreciate it. As @THX1138 said, I asked for it, so don’t feel bad about giving me your views on the matter!
 
New one

Unequal hearts

Sakuras fall down,
Telling story of lost grace.
Ground shall accept them.

Bushido tells us to greet death with kindness, for it is our art and craft.
For whims of heart and flesh I insulted my Sama.
Generously she offers me tantō, but I cherish her tears even more.
Honour, tarnished by love, finds absolution only in my blade.
I send her smile.
“May next world find our hearts equal.” I say, raising the blade.

​
 
The problem I have is that I'm unfamiliar with Japanese terminology, so there are too many terms that I have to try to guess and that makes for hard work rather than an easy read. Sakuras, Bushido (well I'm fairly sure of that one), Sama, tantō (I wondered if this was sex when I was reading it).
It has a certain lyrical quality, but there were too many unknowns for me to consider voting for it.
That doesn't matter at all though if you are pleased/satisfied with your story - that's what I think is most important - what does it matter if I don't understand the words as long as you yourself are pleased with it?
 
@VRlass, the phrasing and rhythm of the words felt interesting, but I, too, struggled with the terminology. I was also unsure about the ending and who was to be killed, the PoV character or the lover (the Sama?). Getting everything one wants to say squeezed into seventy-five words is a big challenge, but I really like your narrative voice. It would be interesting to see it play out in a longer tale.
 
Hugh said:
I wondered if this was sex when I was reading it
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD
Hugh said:
but there were too many unknowns for me to consider voting for it.
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Ok… next time i will get you
Hugh said:
That doesn't matter at all though if you are pleased/satisfied with your story - that's what I think is most important - what does it matter if I don't understand the words as long as you yourself are pleased with it?
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Hey, honestly, i started writting 3 months ago. I dont expect to be Lem straightaway.
Something new, and The choice was the second and third prose i wrote in english (in my native I wrote only when i was about 16), so in a sence you can observe my evolution in here :D
Your critic isn’t painful in the slightest, I am not soul bound to my writting, I have too much fun writting, to stop even if someone went brutal on my text.
 
@VRlass
It contained a few Japanese words I didn't know. Overall I understood the drift of the story. except for the (I suspect) essential meaning of tantō.
I liked it started with an haiku, giving it some 'authenticity.'
But for me the main problem was I couldn't connect with it. Too far removed from my world.
 
Wayne Mack said:
@VRlass, the phrasing and rhythm of the words felt interesting, but I, too, struggled with the terminology. I was also unsure about the ending and who was to be killed, the PoV character or the lover (the Sama?). Getting everything one wants to say squeezed into seventy-five words is a big challenge, but I really like your narrative voice. It would be interesting to see it play out in a longer tale.
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Sakura is one word for cherry blossom,
Sama is someone in the rank of lord or lady, or at least 1 feudal ranks above the guy who speaks this (or at least that’s what it seems in anime)
tantō is the ritual knife used to perform seppuku.
I could go with cherry ‘blossom’ and ‘Lady’, but i wanted to introduce exotics into the story. And by tantō I hoped to make it clear what happens next :D
FAIL! XD
 
Elckerlyc said:
@VRlass
It contained a few Japanese words I didn't know. Overall I understood the drift of the story. except for the (I suspect) essential meaning of tantō.
I liked it started with an haiku, giving it some 'authenticity.'
But for me the main problem was I couldn't connect with it. Too far removed from my world.
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Yeah… I forgot how hard it is to read this slash, even without the necessity to google outliners…
 
I agree with the much of the above. I tried looking up the terms but didn't get many satisfactory answers. I felt that there was something meaty and good in the story, but didn't understand the context well enough to be convinced of it. But that was an original and interesting story.
 
What is in it?
I start with haiku,
then i tell a story of a mutual love between a commoner/ronin and a lady.
Their love affair stirred an outrage, and brought them shame.
(In my understanding) In feudal Japan it was a gracious gift to let someone do it (check the first part of plot of Harakiri (1962 film) - Wikipedia—People were paying you to go away and not do it) and not to just sentence to death.
As the last words the guy tries to comfort her, and wish her to meet again in the afterlife, where there no lords and commoners.

IMHO Love>Death kind of a story,
but my material from this story comes from my understanding of works of culture, so I might mix some facts :D
 
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@VRlass Much more poetic this time! I understood the words and haiku also. :)
If Hornor ever comes up as a topic in the 100 word challenge, I would revisit this version there. 25 extra words could make a difference!;)
 
Pals.

“I ain’t leavin’ you now, Tom. You’ve seen me right more than once in the past. My turn now. You cold?”

As he adjusts his pal’s blanket the rumble of distant gunfire causes him to turn and eye the tree-blasted horizon.

“They’ll be ‘ere soon. Think we can hold ‘em off? Just you an’ me? Like the old days?

Tom smiles a rictus smile that only a broken-jawed corpse can.

I was generally happy with this. I got two votes and quite a few short lists. I had an idea of a soldier not leaving a dead comrade quite early on and the word 'rictus' jumped out at me from a story I was reading. That gave me the last line and I work back from there.

The impression I wanted was of a first-world-war trench. The 'Pals' title was a hint to the 'pals battalions'. The second hint, that I just couldn't get right, was the 'tree-blasted horizon'. What I wanted to spell out was a horizon littered with trees blasted by shell-fire - splintered stumps. But, instead, I've got a horizon blasted by trees. I tried lots of different ways of trying to say it but, strangely, this seemed to work the best. Mrs Mosaix read it and didn't comment so I thought I'd just try and get away with it.

Any ideas on how I could have done the horizon thing differently bearing in mind the word count?
 
To be perfectly honest, upon reading that my mental image was of a horizon of trees blasted by shell-fire (I think the "rumble of distant gunfire" helps in that regard), so for me "tree-blasted horizon" appears to have had the intended effect.

After a few minutes of playing with the line (and counting and recounting to make sure it's the same number of words), this is the best I could come up with:

Original: As he adjusts his pal’s blanket the rumble of distant gunfire causes him to turn and eye the tree-blasted horizon.

My attempt: He adjusts his pal's blanket. At a rumble of distant gunfire, he turns and eyes the horizon of shell-blasted trees.
 
I liked this story, and (I think) I shortlisted it. If I didn't, I should have. Just a couple of suggestions on the first two lines:


“I ain’t leavin’ you now, Tom. You’ve seen me right more than once in the past. My turn now. You cold?”

"You've always stuck/stood by me; my turn now." Is a possible alternative saving you 5 words.



As he adjusts his pal’s blanket the rumble of distant gunfire causes him to turn and eye the tree-blasted horizon.

Blanket somehow doesn't seem appropriate. 'Lifts his pal's collar' perhaps? And if they are awaiting the oncoming enemy 'scour the shell-scarred landscape' perhaps?



Tom smiles a rictus smile that only a broken-jawed corpse can.

Personally, I would have left the last line more ambiguous. We are in his friend's world, and in this world Tom isn't dead. Perhaps something like 'Tom stares back at his pal silently, a rictus grin etched across his face.'
 
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