a critique workshop for my novel .. HELP !

[magician2magici]

hello everyone , how are you doing ?

after the success of my novel at egypt - 3 editions in nearly a year - i decided to begin translating my novel into english , preparing it for world wide publishing .

so , i need you to help me in my novel , i'll translate parts everyday and post them here , and i hope you criticize me strongly

thx for your help : )

M2M

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I moved your thread to General Writing Discussion, because the Critiques forum is just for posting the writing you want critiqued.

I haven't seen your name around the boards for a while -- maybe I just missed it. But if you've been gone, Welcome Back.

We have some new rules in place that might have been established since you last visited that forum, so be sure to read the stickies there before posting your excerpts.

 

[magician2magici]

FIRST CHAPTER :

1.The Attack
​

the warm rays of this warm sunny day crept shyly slowly trying to evenly cover the whole place , almost succeeded , except a few places scattered here and there where these small trees eclipse the rays and prevent it from reaching its territory , under one of the shadows of those , two boys sat talking quietly in this wonderful place
- What a great day ! the shortest said smiling , leaning on his back beside his fellow
- Yes, it's a beautiful day , the other dark haired replied with his eyes relaxly closed .
The first boy took a deep breath , keeping it in his chest for a few moments and releasing it with ease enjoying the good day , it’s Monday , isn’t it ?! he asked
the other boy Smiled , realizing what’s behind the words of his companion , so he only shooked his head , making his friend to continue pushing hime by asking :
- Would not your relative come tomorrow?
the other young fellow Raised one of his eyebrows in disapproval clearly to what he just heard , followed by shooking his head, denying what he heard before , No, she is not my realtive , sadly answered with a long sad look followed later by saying :
- I never get visited from any of my relatives .. never!
the other boy changed at once his sitting to be facing his friend after finding an opportunity to spend what’s left in this day , then said to him:
- Why don’t your relatives visit you ?
time Passed for a long moment of silence in which the boy did not speak a word until his companion shaked him , and saying:
- What is with you , Ranmaro?!
Ranmaro looked at him murmuring:
- No. .. Nothing, nothing.
- What do you mean nothing? you did not answer my question yet!
I do not know but they did not come to visit me never here, and the reason I do not know really . Ranmaro said with faint smile . it was clear that he was lying , judging from his tone of voice , his looks were revealing this, but the boy in front of him did not pay any attention to that, inspite of being aware that he is lying, he moved to another hot spot of the dialogue,
- but I just can not imagine that a person is here and his parents still alive , he said.
Ranmaro slowly swallowed his already dry mouse , while the boy continued his stare in ranmaro’s eyes , saying:
-Believe me, it is confusing, why do not you go and live with your parents?
- I can not!
Ranmaro spoke like someone who wished to quickly end the debate ,and stood up , about to leave trying his best to escape from the talk on this subject, but the boy seemed happy to hunt down this point where he stood , even probably faster than Ranmaro himself and said while walking side by side to ranmaro :
- Why can not you? Are they divorced? or they are not married yet? Why ..
- shut up .
Uttered Ranmaro shouting in the face of the boy, while the later looked staggered by the reaction of Ranmaro which moved at speed for leaving the place , once ported from the wooden door , walked in the path lined on both sides by medium-lengthen trees which did not prevent him from seeing what is going on at the private sector of Orphanage made for different sports , where he spotted a group of girls standing around a girl holding a bow and arrow, Ranmaro stopped walking and took a long deep breath , as calm as possible to calm down his anger , meanwhile he kept watching the girl while she launched the arrow brilliantly to fit in the centre of the black focus , with both accuracy and power, accompanied by a wave of girls Cry of joy with an applause from her colleagues, she turned to them as she talks happily , as appearing on her face . Ranmaro kept following her moves till their eyes came in contact together accidently , as soon as she ceased speaking , he did not stand in the place for any more moments , as he felt the heat affecting his body like a storm, and his heart beats accelerated , he rushed climbing over the stairs of the main building of orphanage , passing across the hall in a quick wide steps and Delivered a salute to his teacher of English before he climbed the stairs again to reach the fourth floor , where he lives .

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Thread locked, because the excerpt is improperly formatted and in the wrong place (apparently you didn't read my previous post, though it was written an hour and a half before you posted the above).

Read the stickies and post this section again in the Critiques forum.