A short passage concerning grief

[reiver33]

I'm trying to capture the recollection of a moment which shaped the main character...


I held Helene in my arms as she died; the bed bloody, the midwife helpless. Heedless of cost a physician was summoned, but all he could do was ease her passing. As my wife began to drift away the stillborn child was placed in her arms. She hugged it, feebly, unable to appreciate the terrible reality.

I wiped her brow of sweat and kissed her forehead. Helene smiled at me, just a twitch of her lips, and her voice was little more than a whisper.

“We will be a family, Marat. Across the sea, where the past cannot find us.”

I smiled back, although my heart felt like in was in a vice.

“A family. Just us. Just the three of us.”

My eyes burned and I had to clench my jaw against the howl of grief in my throat. With an effort I managed to make a confession while she was still able to understand.

“Helene…I love you.”

She tried to squeeze my hand.

“I know. I’ve known for weeks.”

It had started as a marriage of convenience, a way to give her child a father, but somehow along the way she had claimed my heart. My vision blurred with tears and I hugged her.

“Rest now, my love. Sleep. When you wake it will be amongst those who love you.”

Her eyes closed.

I held her a long, long time.

I held her until she was cold in my arms.

I held her until two of my comrades from the militia came and took me away.

I was never the same again.

 

[Evelinn]

Well, the character would certainly be affected by such an event, and you could refer to it later in the story without having to explain too much. It gives the character depth and realism.
I like the story, it almost made me want to cry. One of my own characters experienced the exact same, but in a different setting of course. I don’t know if I’m allowed to post anything yet, so I don’t know if I can show you my version. Great work though

 

[Menion]

That was an amazing part of a "I hope" longer story.

 

[ctg]

I held Helene in my arms as she died; the bed bloody, the midwife helpless. Heedless of cost a physician was summoned, but all he could do was ease her passing. As my wife began to drift away the stillborn child was placed in her arms. She hugged it, feebly, unable to appreciate the terrible reality.

Feels as if you would be watching a picture rather than being inside the character. Maybe you should reword the sentences in order to get closer perspective to the character.

“We will be a family, Marat. Across the sea, where the past cannot find us.”

I smiled back, although my heart felt like in was in a vice.

“A family. Just us. Just the three of us.”

I don't feel his grief, and I really would like to see him fighting back against the tears, possibly having a stuttering or panicky speech pattern.

My eyes burned and I had to clench my jaw against the howl of grief in my throat. With an effort I managed to make a confession while she was still able to understand.

“Helene…I love you.”

She tried to squeeze my hand.

“I know. I’ve known for weeks.”

Remove her reply and stick to the dramatic reaction.

It had started as a marriage of convenience, a way to give her child a father, but somehow along the way she had claimed my heart. My vision blurred with tears and I hugged her.

“Rest now, my love. Sleep. When you wake it will be amongst those who love you.”

If you remove her reply, I think you should rewrite the first para and knit it tightly to the death scene. Make her breath to escape, eyes glaze and then sudden stillness rather than using the narrative around the child.

Her eyes closed.

I held her a long, long time.

I held her until she was cold in my arms.

I held her until two of my comrades from the militia came and took me away.

I was never the same again.

Wouldn't really use these lines as I think that the scene should end to her death. The thing is that the readers can imagine these lines on their own.

 

[Sleepless]

As always, just IMHO. I kinda like it, but I feel like its almost signposted for grief, like a huge flashing arrow pointing you towards 'feel bad'. I always find that a bit disingenuous, as though the author is trying to force you to feel a sensation. Some small improvements I feel would take away that element and increase the power.

An expansion of the first paragraph to include more description and fill out the scene. the physician coming in and shaking his head, perhaps the midwife holding a weakened hand looking useless, that sort of thing. Remove the 'unable to appreciate the terrible reality', and let the reader come to their own conclusion on that - perhaps the bundle placed on the mothers chest, a question about why the baby was not crying, the narrator lying that the baby sleeps whilst fighting and the clenched jaw against the howl, that bit was good.

The next bit that jumps out makes me think the passage was written in isolation (again adding to the feeling that I was being manipulated), the bit about the marriage of convenience, a quick skip into captured my heart.If this was part of a longer story that would already be clear. If it is the beginning of a story the whole thing needs some expanding to make the reader really attach to the dying woman.

I would add that on a personal level dead babies always put me off. They just seem too cheap a method of tapping into the required grief. That is a personal thing though, in the context of this passage it works. I would suggest a live baby would be more effective... but that really depends on the story.

Otherwise everything inbetween is good, powerful and achieves the doubtless desired effect. Good Luck with the story.

 

[reiver33]

Thanks to everyone for the feedback!

This is a previous incident in the character's life, rather than a real-time (current narrative) incident. It is how he remembers it, how he describes it, hence the egocentric flavour. The background events alluded to in the scene (who Helene was, the marriage of convenience, etc.) filter into his current storyline, but as he is the only witness there is a degree of 'passive infodump' to provide some degree of context to his audience.

Cheers!

Martin

 

[Nesacat]

Am late but I just have a tiny bit to say. Given your explanation the way it is written does make sense. Good luck with the rest of the story. I liked the way this scene is written. it does like watching a picture but if he's remembering then that is expected.

 

[kopiteste]

If I was you I would have put "My vision blurred with tears and I hugged her." On a new line for impact. I would also get rid of the last two sentences too. Other than that it drew me into the grief effectively.

 

[HareBrain]

I am now worried that I'm a high-functioning sociopath, because although I thought it was well-enough written, unlike several other commenters I didn't "feel it" at all. Then again, I'm not sure how many readers would truly empathise with a character's grief when the reader has never met either character before. I wonder if it's a bit risky to try to include strong emotions unless the reader is in a position (having become involved with the characters over time) to feel them too. If it's from somewhere in the middle of a longer story, that wouldn't be a problem. Throwing us into a scene like this at the start of a book would make it read (to me) like melodrama.

Some minor points: "my heart felt like it was in a vice" is a terrible cliche -- you're better than that!

Not a fault as such, maybe even an intention, but you have a habit of choosing character names that come with a fair amount of baggage. "Marat" to me says "dead man in a bathtub", and that threw me slightly.

Lastly, no doubt because of the subject matter, I misread "marriage of convenience" as "miscarriage of convenience". I might have been the only one (let's hope so), but if not, you might want to use another phrase.

 

[J Riff]

Vise?
I like it as is, pretty much, painful stuff, better over with as few words as possible.