A King's Court, a little ways in

[Damiynn]

Moving quietly through the royal palace, Alyssa still hadn’t found any of the others and was hopelessly lost. If I just kept going in the same direction and only that one, it should lead me somewhere that might be recognizable.

Like muted whispers, she slowly began hearing something. She realized after a short silence that it was voices ahead of her in the hall. As they grew louder Alyssa realized it was two people arguing.

“I said go find Gunther!” ordered one of the voices harshly. Whoever it was, sounded as if they were used to be obeyed.

The second voice responded in a much more subdued manner, but still disagreed with the other.

“Sire I’m not supposed to leave my post, Melrick went to see what is happening. He ordered me to stay here as your protector.” That last part Alyssa noticed, in spite of the speaker’s subdued manner almost sounded scornful.

She wasn’t sure and couldn’t place where she had heard it before but she thought she recognized the second voice. Deciding there was only way to find out, she moved a little closer. Alyssa knew she couldn’t move as silently as Logan but with the gifts given to her by her god she could improvise.

Saying a silent prayer to Dar, and thanking him for his blessings, she cast a clerical version of a whisper walk spell. She could still hear sounds, but no one could hear her now. All she had to do was keep from being seen. She had no invisibility spells handy and hadn’t learned that ability from her brother yet.

Keeping to the shadows Alyssa moved closer to the arguing voices. She almost ruined her spell by gasping, when she heard the angrier voice hiss in an enraged tone. “Your father failed in protecting my brother and his wife, are you also going to fail me by not doing what I’m ordering you to do knight Liolbane?”

Bending down and keeping her head low like Logan so as not to attract the eye, she peered out around the corner.

She immediately recognized both men, the one yelling was Vargas, her uncle, the Royal Regent. The second, the disobeying one, was Lance Liolbane, Travis’ son in his newly earned silver Krannion armor. He was standing at rigid attention in front of the Royal Regent and his face bore a look of irresolute determination.

“T..There are explosions sire,” he stated. Alyssa could tell from the slight tremor that he was barely in control of his emotions. “And no one knows what is going on. I’m under orders not to leave my post for any reason.”

“I command here Lance Liolbane,” the Royal Regent said. The ice in his tone s could have covered the hall walls from ceiling to floor. Eyes locking on the young knight’s he snarled, “I command all of you! Now, will I have to strip you of your new title?” Slowly he lowered his gaze and let his eyes roam up and down Lance’s new armor with a disdainful sneer. “You will never have a chance to redeem your family’s honor if I do! If you do not go and get Gunther right away I will make certain you never do!”

Alyssa shook her head sadly at seeing the determined set of the young knight’s face crumble under the Royal Regent hate-filled words being hurled at him. Unlike Lance, she felt her own anger begin to boil. The Regent also noticed Lance’s face. “Go! Now!” He shouted, “I’ll lock my chambers. The door is protected by magic and wards. It should last until you return. Unless these raiders can fly, I think I’ll be okay. Unlike my brother when he was killed, I am wearing the King’s armor.” The Royal Regent watched, slowly the reluctant young knight finally bowed his head and took off down the hall at a run, heading towards the explosions.

Vargas didn’t go inside the room or shut the massive doors. Instead he stood there waiting until the knight was completely gone.

Alyssa, realizing that Vargas and Lance had thought themselves alone in this area of the palace knew completely understood why the young knight had been so reluctant to leave. Dispelling her silence spell she stepped out of the shadows.

She had determined a while ago that she, instead of her brother, should exact revenge on the Royal Regent. She was a cleric of Dar and considered a hand of justice. The right to do it belonged to her.

Vargas’ sneering countenance again was completely oblivious, he was still staring after the departed knight.

Pausing, she took several deep breaths and stepped forward. “Your insurrection is at hand, your Highness,” she intoned coolly.

Vargas spun at the unexpected words, staring at her in stunned shock, his hand slapping at the empty sheath hanging at his side. Realizing his sword was in his quarters, Vargas tried a different tactic.

“Who are you?” he asked condescendingly, eyeing her up and down, studying the curves of her body partially concealed under her armor. The edges of his mouth curled up into a slight leer.

Alyssa reached for the chain on her neck and allowed her symbol of Dar swing out of her tunic. The mythryll swords and hammer gleamed brightly in the lamp light.

“I am a hand of justice. I am one who enforces the laws of the land.” Her voice was tight with emotion as she snarled through clenched teeth, now she pulled out her silver hammer, “And you Milord, are a murderer, a killer of your own family and a traitor to your vows as ruler of the fourteen kingdoms.”

“By what right or authority,” Vargas demanded, recognizing now who this strawberry blonde female was, “do you murderess, have to accuse me of any crime! You killed one of my royal ambassadors.”

Now Alyssa smirked. Slowly she took from her belt pouch the twin to the golden ring Damien wore. Without uttering a word she held it up high so that her uncle could see it.

Vargas’ eyes widened and she could tell that he recognized what it represented. Turning the ring over in her palm she met her uncle’s gaze and slowly slipped it onto her slim finger.

 

[Arkose]

I really don't have anything for you. The story seems well written, and has really good flow. I would maybe change a word or two, but it really wouldn't add anything. I guess the only thing I disliked is the hand of justice and enforcer line. I am purely commenting as a reader, but I have never been a fan of those type of lines or characters that say those line. I wouldn't have it as a deal breaker.

You have me intrigued, and would read further.

Thanks for posting the story and good luck!

 

[chrispenycate]

Whoever it was, sounded as if they were used to be obeyed.

definitely "being" not "be"; and if you don't put an "it" before that "sounded " it's probably better without the comma.

That last part Alyssa noticed, in spite of the speaker’s subdued manner almost sounded scornful.

commas after "part" and "manner".

She immediately recognized both men, the one yelling was Vargas, her uncle, the Royal Regent.

semicolon rather than comma after "men".

“I command here Lance Liolbane,”

comma after "here",

The Royal Regent watched, slowly the reluctant young knight finally bowed his head and took off down the hall at a run, heading towards the explosions.

two sentences

Alyssa, realizing that Vargas and Lance had thought themselves alone in this area of the palace knew completely understood why the young knight had been so reluctant to leave.

might be "now completely understood"?

Her voice was tight with emotion as she snarled through clenched teeth, now she pulled out her silver hammer

two sentences

do you murderess, have to accuse me of any crime!

comma before"murderess".

 

[Jake Reynolds]

Okay, Chris has covered the punctuation- I’m gonna get nit-picky here, and I apologise in advance.

Moving quietly through the royal palace, Alyssa still hadn’t found any of the others and was hopelessly lost. If I just kept going in the same direction and only that one, it should lead me somewhere that might be recognizable.

All palaces are royal, so you can lose this word.

Like muted whispers, she slowly began hearing something. She realized after a short silence that it was voices ahead of her in the hall. As they grew louder Alyssa realized it was two people arguing.

This sentence doesn’t work for me. She either hears muted(?) whispers or not. I’d go with something like “She froze as the sound of whispers drifted down the hall”.

“I said go find Gunther!” ordered one of the voices harshly. Whoever it was, sounded as if they were used to be obeyed.

With this sentence, and with reading further on, I’d eliminate the whispers entirely. A 'regent' would never whisper in his own palace.

The second voice responded in a much more subdued manner, but still disagreed with the other.

Not necessary, and we don't know he is disagreeing yet.

“Sire I’m not supposed to leave my post, Melrick went to see what is happening. He ordered me to stay here as your protector.” That last part Alyssa noticed, in spite of the speaker’s subdued manner almost sounded scornful.

The Regent's orders would have more authority than whoever Melrick is.

She wasn’t sure and couldn’t place where she had heard it before but she thought she recognized the second voice. Deciding there was only way to find out, she moved a little closer. Alyssa knew she couldn’t move as silently as Logan but with the gifts given to her by her god she could improvise.

Watch the name Logan. Though you won’t be sued for using it, people will inevitably be thinking of Joe Abercrombie or Brent Weeks, or even Wheel of Time’s Logain.

Saying a silent prayer to Dar, and thanking him for his blessings, she cast a clerical version of a whisper walk spell. She could still hear sounds, but no one could hear her now. All she had to do was keep from being seen. She had no invisibility spells handy and hadn’t learned that ability from her brother yet.

Not sure if I’m a fan of the words here- having spells ‘handy’ trivialises magic a bit.

Keeping to the shadows Alyssa moved closer to the arguing voices. She almost ruined her spell by gasping, when she heard the angrier voice hiss in an enraged tone. “Your father failed in protecting my brother and his wife, are you also going to fail me by not doing what I’m ordering you to do knight Liolbane?”

Bending down and keeping her head low like Logan so as not to attract the eye, she peered out around the corner.

She immediately recognized both men, the one yelling was Vargas, her uncle, the Royal Regent. The second, the disobeying one, was Lance Liolbane, Travis’ son in his newly earned silver Krannion armor. He was standing at rigid attention in front of the Royal Regent and his face bore a look of irresolute determination.

Previous point- are they yelling or whispering? If a regent was enraged, he wouldn’t keep his voice down.

“T..There are explosions sire,” he stated. Alyssa could tell from the slight tremor that he was barely in control of his emotions. “And no one knows what is going on. I’m under orders not to leave my post for any reason.”

Go with the full sound of the delayed word, in this case “Th…there are explosions…”

“I command here Lance Liolbane,” the Royal Regent said. The ice in his tone s could have covered the hall walls from ceiling to floor. Eyes locking on the young knight’s he snarled, “I command all of you! Now, will I have to strip you of your new title?” Slowly he lowered his gaze and let his eyes roam up and down Lance’s new armor with a disdainful sneer. “You will never have a chance to redeem your family’s honor if I do! If you do not go and get Gunther right away I will make certain you never do!”

Alyssa shook her head sadly at seeing the determined set of the young knight’s face crumble under the Royal Regent hate-filled words being hurled at him. Unlike Lance, she felt her own anger begin to boil. The Regent also noticed Lance’s face. “Go! Now!” He shouted, “I’ll lock my chambers. The door is protected by magic and wards. It should last until you return. Unless these raiders can fly, I think I’ll be okay. Unlike my brother when he was killed, I am wearing the King’s armor.” The Royal Regent watched, slowly the reluctant young knight finally bowed his head and took off down the hall at a run, heading towards the explosions.

“Okay” draws us out of the fantasy world, and the following sentence is a bit info-dumpy. Also, not sure what armour would do to make him so self confident, unless it somehow magically protects the king, which Vargas is not (as a regent, which itself is incorrect, but I’ll get to that below).

Vargas didn’t go inside the room or shut the massive doors. Instead he stood there waiting until the knight was completely gone.

Unnecessary word.

Alyssa, realizing that Vargas and Lance had thought themselves alone in this area of the palace knew completely understood why the young knight had been so reluctant to leave. Dispelling her silence spell she stepped out of the shadows.

I just read on a bit- why does she surrender the ability to be completely silent if she intends to kill him?

She had determined a while ago that she, instead of her brother, should exact revenge on the Royal Regent. She was a cleric of Dar and considered a hand of justice. The right to do it belonged to her.

Vargas’ sneering countenance again was completely oblivious, he was still staring after the departed knight.

See point above- she would have been completely silent, alone in that part of the palace, and he has his back to her. Assassins don’t need much more than that. Also, she wouldn’t see his sneering countenance if he has his back to her.

Pausing, she took several deep breaths and stepped forward. “Your insurrection is at hand, your Highness,” she intoned coolly.

She was already paused. Not sure if insurrection is the right word here. Also, watch for overly complicated dialogue frames. “Said” is better than “intoned”, and coolly isn’t required.

Vargas spun at the unexpected words, staring at her in stunned shock, his hand slapping at the empty sheath hanging at his side. Realizing his sword was in his quarters, Vargas tried a different tactic.

The extra words slow this sentence down.

“Who are you?” he asked condescendingly, eyeing her up and down, studying the curves of her body partially concealed under her armor. The edges of his mouth curled up into a slight leer.

God, I’m getting picky here, sorry. He is either leering or not. More on him not recognising her later.

Alyssa reached for the chain on her neck and allowed her symbol of Dar swing out of her tunic. The mythryll swords and hammer gleamed brightly in the lamp light.

Just use mithril, or better yet, either a new metal entirely or just simple silver.

“I am a hand of justice. I am one who enforces the laws of the land.” Her voice was tight with emotion as she snarled through clenched teeth, now she pulled out her silver hammer, “And you Milord, are a murderer, a killer of your own family and a traitor to your vows as ruler of the fourteen kingdoms.”

He would know what a hand of justice is, so she wouldn’t tell him. Instead, she would be more likely to let her words sink in to inspire fear.

“By what right or authority,” Vargas demanded, recognizing now who this strawberry blonde female was, “do you murderess, have to accuse me of any crime! You killed one of my royal ambassadors.”

This is a bit clunky, and not really needed here.

Now Alyssa smirked. Slowly she took from her belt pouch the twin to the golden ring Damien wore. Without uttering a word she held it up high so that her uncle could see it.

Vargas’ eyes widened and she could tell that he recognized what it represented. Turning the ring over in her palm she met her uncle’s gaze and slowly slipped it onto her slim finger.

Okay, so I’m sorry about all that. A few other things to add to the above:

Firstly, if she is his niece, he’d have recognised her straight away, especially if she was an heir to his throne and therefore a threat. Likely, she would also have no difficulty walking around the palace. In fact, it’s more likely the governing body of the hands of justice would have chosen her specifically because she could walk around the palace.

Also, am I right in assuming that, as the king’s brother’s niece, she is a princess? If so, if she is old enough to be a hand of justice, surely she is old enough to rule? Her brother seemingly knows more than she does, so he must be older, and likely definitely able to rule. Why is this guy a regent if the king’s children are of age? If they’re only teens, then they wouldn’t be full clerics. Also, he wouldn’t be a regent if he was the king’s brother. He would simply be king. Usually regents are only appointed if there are no heirs. However, as the king’s brother, Vargas in fact is the rightful heir, whether he murdered his brother or not.

I mentioned the whole cancellation of the silence spell above. Presumably, to have silence and invisibility spells, Dar is a some kind of assassin or thief deity. If so, the rules of the order would not likely include a noble ‘announcement’ before execution. Presumably the hands of justice act independent of crown law, so their methods would not necessarily be fair (nor would they need to be).

Also, watch the motivation- at the start she is looking for others, wandering around lost, and then it seems later that she has been there solely to find her uncle and kill him. Her reason for being there changes entirely.

Well, sorry about all that, it’s just that I saw mistakes that I have made myself so many times in the past (and still do!). You mentioned that the chapter takes place further into the story, so presumably we know by now who everyone is, that she is strawberry blonde, etc.

Keep going though, and look forward to reading more!