More of the first chapter

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ctg

weaver of the unseen
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Aug 21, 2007
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As promised here's a bit more (~1440 words)





“Mmm,” I licked my lips as I laid down the wineglass. “Now, that’s very nice.”

Damien at other side of the table smiled slyly as he whisked his hand to send the waiter away. Even though he was really old, there was nothing in his nor mine appearances, that would have told the casual observers that we were more than a very young couple. Maybe some could have said a married couple. But those, who knew us better, knew not bring in the m-word matter at front of him if they wanted to keep their heads sitting on their shoulders. Especially not the one that was forged in front of the God, or in that time, at front of a sea captain.

“I’m glad you like it my love,” Damien said, “Because that particular bottle is nearly three hundred years old. I ordered them to open it especially for you.”

“Oh, thank you,” I said as I ran a finger on the rim of the glass. “You have always known how to please girls. Especially those ones that have been so-o bad…”

“You… Bad… Nonsense,” he laughed. “You don’t have bad bones in you.”

“Then tell me why you summoned me here?” I waved hand to our wood panelled surroundings. Everything in the room smelled money. The fat men, their scantly dressed escorts, the oil paintings, even the heavy curtains that draped on the windows, shielding curious eyes on the street from seeing what sort of pleasures were served at the dining hall of Brooke’s gentlemen’s club.

“Do I have to have a specific reason?”

Intriguing.
“Of course there has to be a reason. I know you. You wouldn’t open one of your most precious wines if you would not have a reason.”

“Other than having a good time in a beautiful company?”

“Yes,” I said. “Because, if you would want to have a good time, you would be with one of your precious dolls. Not with me, my dearly beloved husband.”

He looked shocked for a moment. My words weren’t making him feeling better, quite the opposite. But then again I didn’t think he would have appreciated much if I would have turned away from my old habits. After all, he was my husband, and every one of them needed a someone to keep them in their senses. Or else our entire culture would be doomed. It just would not exist.

Suddenly he said, “Don’t you remember what day it is?”

“As if that would change things any different darling,” I said. “Of course I remember what day it is.” While I added in my mind, how could I be able to forget the day when you sired me? In that day he’d lured me from my convent through his wicked ways to taste the blood of the Damned ones. And ever since the darkness had been my domain, even though I had not stopped looking the ways to get back into God’s grace.

At the beginning, he’d overlooked the fact and thought I would get over the desire to be with the Lord, but over the years, when that desire had not lessened, it had started to rub him in wrong ways. The Damned ones, as he said, weren’t supposed to be the good. But then again, we both had seen too many cases that proved that not everyone were bowing towards the Fallen Angel. “But why now, when it hasn’t been important to you for decades.”

“Really?” Damien flashed one of his smiles that probably would have wetted any other girl pants. “I’m shocked.”

“You don’t look like you’re shocked.”

“Oh, believe me, my dearly beloved wife. I am.”

“You could have fooled them.” I waved my hand towards the pair of scantly dressed ladies that were leading their intoxicated fat cat from a tie towards the one private rooms, “But not me. So, what is it?”

“Why cannot we have a civilised dinner and just enjoy our company?”

“Is that all?” I asked, not believing for a second on what was coming from his mouth. Everything else meant so much to him. This club and its patrons were just one culmination of his operations. Ones that he was leading through his shell corporations in order to keep him closely tied to the real power; power that came through the people.

Over the years, the humanity had advanced so much and now they were readying themselves to reach the start by expanding their dominion over the solar system. And if I knew anything he wanted to take us there, among the stars, in the eternal darkness where we wouldn’t have to be scared about the sun anymore.

At there the humanity would serve us like walking food supplies…

Suddenly, before he even managed to find a solution to shut my highly active mind, I saw his head turning towards the centre of the dining hall. At there, a large African man grasped his throat and then soon after, he fell on the ground.

As the precious second trickled away, I found myself unable to move as I heard his dinner party gasping, while I focused on his heart. It was so strange. It was not there. Yet the man was kicking around as if he was in his death throats.

“I,” he pointed a shaking finger towards the centre.

I found myself absolutely mystified, almost petrified even though I had seen a lot of death. But that wasn’t case with him, as he quickly wiped corners of his mouth and then said, “Would you excuse me for a moment?”

Before I even had chance to give him my acceptance, he’d winked his hand to get in the waiting personnel’s to move away the patrons, while two of them kneeled next to the black man to administrate first-aid. And I found myself thinking, why I’m not doing that? After all I was fully trained nurse and the first-aid should have been my main function.

But I was freaking out. The hairs at the back on my neck were standing while something in me said to ran. Run, can you believe it? I mean I was six feet eleven vampire who had taken down quite large fellows, but yet I was freaking out so much so that I was ready to leave the room with the other people.

However, I didn’t.

I stayed when the waitresses closed the door at front of Damien and left us four with the corpse. He touched my arm and asked, “Are you alright?”

“No…” I turned to look at him in the eyes. “Yes…”

“No, you are not,” he said at the same time as we heard a loud groan, and then a freakish cry. We turned to look and saw the African man tearing a chunk of flesh from man’s neck. The waitress automatically slapped a hand over the wound that was sprouting blood all over the place. My instincts went nuts as one part of me felt excited over the sight, while the other screamed me to go help him. It was the first one that won when the African man, launched on the second waitress. I felt absolutely exalted for such offerings, and in the corner of my eye, I could see the same thing affecting him. But the African wasn’t doing it for us and when the second one went down on the ground, he went after him; tearing the clothes, sinking teeth in the exposed flesh.

This man wasn’t a new vampire, not even a werecreature, but something else. There was no life in him, but yet he as hungry as one that had freshly risen from a grave. But it wasn’t the blood that he was after, it was the flesh, cuts, everything.

“Hey you,” Damien shouted to get his attention, but he ignored us, unlikely any other newly risen that we’d seen before. Maybe it was the terminal hunger that had shut off his brain, or then maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t scared about his superiors.

“Damien,” I said as I started taking off my stiletto heels.

“Jane,” Damien laid a hand over my shoulder, “Stay out from this. This is my—“

“—I know it’s yours, but—“
[FONT=&quot]
“—no buts,” he said as he took off his coat and threw it at back of nearest chair. Rolling up his sleeves he moved behind the man to repeat his, “Hey you,” line. It worked a little bit better than at the first time. The African looked at him and then turned back to stuff his mouth as if it was going out of fashion.
[/FONT]
 
IT's nice and engaging and I like the strong female character you've shaped here.

I noticed a few grammar lapses - "a" missed out a couple of times but didn't note them all, but one was:

We turned to look and saw the African man tearing a chunk of flesh from a man’s neck

I would also have preferred to discover the surroundings earlier - but there feels an incongruity here - you mention it's a Gentleman's Club, which in my mind is a large room with many relaxing chairs, where people read, chat, or similar. However, you later refer to it as a dining hall, and mention waitresses, which threw me as it felt the scene had changed. Perhaps I misunderstood something, but this is simply feedback.

Also, when the African enters I become confused - the following sentence directly follows his entrance:

Suddenly, before he even managed to find a solution to shut my highly active mind, I saw his head turning towards the centre of the dining hall. At there, a large African man grasped his throat and then soon after, he fell on the ground.

Grasped whose throat?

As the precious second trickled away, I found myself unable to move as I heard his dinner party gasping, while I focused on his heart. It was so strange. It was not there. Yet the man was kicking around as if he was in his death throats.

“I,” he pointed a shaking finger towards the centre.

His ... the man ... he - you run through male pronouns, but it appears you're referring to at least two different men, possible three, and I can't tell which one is which from this section.

What follows should be an increase in tension, but with the preceding confusion, this can't happen.
 
Hi ctg,
This one appears to have slipped through the net. That's what you get when you use the New Posts button all the time.

There are some nice concepts in here, such as the vampires moving to space, and you do well to dripfeed the info through the dialogue. It never felt like infoduming to me.

There are grammatical and language issues, which I'm sure comes as no surprise. Just to look at a small piece...

“Then tell me why you summoned me here?” I waved my hand (to our wood) to indicate the panelled surroundings. Everything in the room smelled of money. The fat men, their scantly scantily dressed escorts, the oil paintings,semicolon even the heavy curtains (that) draped on the windows, shielding curious eyes on the street from seeing what sort of pleasures were served at the dining hall of Brooke’s gentlemen’s club.

“Do I have to have a specific reason?”

Intriguing. “Of course there has to be a reason. I know you. You wouldn’t open one of your most precious wines if you (would not) didn't have a reason.”

“Other than having a good time in (a) beautiful company?”

“Yes,” I said. “Because, if you (would want) wanted to have a good time, you would be with one of your precious dolls. Not with me, my dearly beloved husband.”

And so on. That's all easily fixable, but the story seems very interesting. Good luck with it.
 
But those, who knew us better, knew not (to) bring in (delete) the m-word matter (up in)at (delete) front of him if they wanted to keep their heads sitting on their shoulders.
Especially not the one that was forged in front of the God, or in that time, at front of a sea captain. (I don't understand this reference)

The dialogue is odd to me - are they foreign, speaking English?
EX. “You don’t have bad bones in you.”
Normally would be - You don't have a bad bone in you.

The grammar in general is an issue. I find the wording too distracting to be able to attend to the story.
 
Here we go. . .


“Mmm,” I licked my lips as I laid down the wineglass. “Now, that’s very nice.”
(Ok, the first thing I think of is him laying down the wineglass, hmm? On its side? maybe as I set down)

Damien at other side of the table smiled slyly as he whisked his hand to send the waiter away.(this is a telling part, try showing it, ie:On the other side of the table Damien smiled slyly as he whisked his hand through the air, sending the waiter away)(See what I mean) Even though he was really old, there was nothing in his nor mine appearances, that would have told the casual observers that we were more than a very young couple. Maybe some could have said a married couple. But those, who knew us better, knew not bring in the m-word matter at front of him if they wanted to keep their heads sitting on their shoulders. Especially not the one that was forged in front of the God, or in that time, at front of a sea captain.

“I’m glad you like it my love,” Damien said, “Because that particular bottle is nearly three hundred years old. I ordered them to open it especially for you.”

“Oh, thank you,” I said as I ran (,running) a finger on (on or around?) the rim of the glass. “You have always known how to please girls. Especially those ones that have been so-o bad…”

“You… Bad… Nonsense,” he laughed. “You don’t have bad bones in you.”

“Then tell me why you summoned me here?” I waved hand to our wood panelled surroundings. Everything in the room smelled (of) money. The fat men, their scantly dressed escorts, the oil paintings, even the heavy curtains that (I would remove the *that* Try reading it out loud. draped on the windows, shielding curious eyes on the street from seeing what sort of pleasures were served at the dining hall of Brooke’s gentlemen’s club.

“Do I have to have a specific reason?”

Intriguing. “Of course there has to be a reason. I know you. You wouldn’t open one of your most precious wines if you would not(sounds odd, try did not) have a reason.”

“Other than having a good time in a beautiful company?”

“Yes,” I said. “Because, if you would want to have a good time, you would be with one of your precious dolls. Not with me, my dearly beloved husband.”

He looked shocked for a moment. My words weren’t making him feeling better, quite the opposite. But then again I didn’t think he would have appreciated much if I would have turned away from my old habits. After all, he was my husband, and every one of them needed a someone to keep them in their senses. Or else our entire culture would be doomed. It just would not exist.

Suddenly he said, “Don’t you remember what day it is?”

“As if that would change things any different darling,” I said. “Of course I remember what day it is.” While I added in my mind, how could I be able to forget the day when you sired me? In that day he’d lured me from my convent through his wicked ways to taste the blood of the Damned ones. And ever since the darkness had (has) been my domain, even though I had not stopped looking the ways to get back into God’s grace.

At the beginning, he’d overlooked the fact and thought I would get over the desire to be with the Lord, but over the years, when that desire had not lessened, it had started to rub him in wrong ways. The Damned ones, as(take out, and once again try reading it out loud) he said, weren’t supposed to be the good. But then again, we both had seen too many cases that proved that not everyone were (was) bowing towards the Fallen Angel. “But why now, when it hasn’t been important to you for decades.”

“Really?” Damien flashed one of his smiles that probably would have wetted any other girl pants. “I’m shocked.”

“You don’t look like you’re shocked.”

“Oh, believe me, my dearly beloved wife. I am.”

“You could have fooled them.” I waved my hand towards the pair of scantly dressed ladies that were leading their intoxicated fat cat from a tie towards the one private rooms, “But not me. So, what is it?”

“Why cannot we have a civilised dinner and just enjoy our company?”

“Is that all?” I asked, not believing for a second on what was coming from his mouth. Everything else meant so much to him. This club and its patrons were just one culmination of his operations. Ones that he was leading through his shell corporations in order to keep him closely tied to the real power; power that came through the people.

Over the years, the humanity had advanced so much and now they were readying themselves to reach the start by expanding their dominion over the solar system. And if I knew anything he wanted to take us there, among the stars, in the eternal darkness where we wouldn’t have to be scared about the sun anymore.

At (And) there the (remove) humanity would serve us like walking food supplies…

Suddenly, before he even managed to find a solution to shut my highly active mind, I saw his head turning towards the centre of the dining hall. At there, a large African man grasped his throat and then soon after, he fell on the ground.

As the precious second trickled away, I found myself unable to move as I heard his dinner party gasping, while I focused on his heart. It was so strange. It was not there. Yet the man was kicking around as if he was in his death throats.

“I,” he pointed a shaking finger towards the centre.

I found myself absolutely mystified, almost petrified even though I had seen a lot of death. But that wasn’t case with him, as he quickly wiped corners of his mouth and then said, “Would you excuse me for a moment?”

Before I even had chance to give him my acceptance, he’d winked his hand to get in the waiting personnel’s to move away the patrons, while two of them kneeled next to the black man to administrate first-aid. And I found myself thinking, why I’m not doing that? After all I was fully trained nurse and the first-aid should have been my main function.

But I was freaking out. The hairs at the back on my neck were standing while something in me said to ran. Run, can you believe it? I mean I was six feet eleven vampire who had taken down quite large fellows, but yet I was freaking out so much so that I was ready to leave the room with the other people.

However, I didn’t.

I stayed when the waitresses closed the door at front of Damien and left us four with the corpse. He touched my arm and asked, “Are you alright?”

“No…” I turned to look at him in the eyes. “Yes…”

“No, you are not,” he said at the same time as we heard a loud groan, and then a freakish cry. We turned to look and saw the African man tearing a chunk of flesh from man’s neck. The waitress automatically slapped a hand over the wound that was sprouting blood all over the place. My instincts went nuts as one part of me felt excited over the sight, while the other screamed me to go help him. It was the first one that won when the African man, launched on the second waitress. I felt absolutely exalted for such offerings, and in the corner of my eye, I could see the same thing affecting him. But the African wasn’t doing it for us and when the second one went down on the ground, he went after him; tearing the clothes, sinking teeth in the exposed flesh.

This man wasn’t a new vampire, not even a werecreature, but something else. There was no life in him, but yet he as hungry as one that had freshly risen from a grave. But it wasn’t the blood that he was after, it was the flesh, cuts, everything.

“Hey you,” Damien shouted to get his attention, but he ignored us, unlikely any other newly risen that we’d seen before. Maybe it was the terminal hunger that had shut off his brain, or then maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t scared about his superiors.

“Damien,” I said as I started taking off my stiletto heels.

“Jane,” Damien laid a hand over my shoulder, “Stay out from this. This is my—“

“—I know it’s yours, but—“

[FONT=&quot]“—no buts,” he said as he took off his coat and threw it at back of nearest chair. Rolling up his sleeves he moved behind the man to repeat his, “Hey you,” line. It worked a little bit better than at the first time. The African looked at him and then turned back to stuff his mouth as if it was going out of fashion.[/FONT]

I am sorry it is late here,and I have to call it quits where the red stopped. Please take any corrections I might have made with a grain of salt. But read it out loud please, sometimes the ear hears what the eye misses.
 
Start with:

I licked ... wineglass: "Mmmm." ((That's all -- no more.))

Next Para: Start with:

Damien ... slyly. He whisked ... away. He was really (italic) old, but there ... in either his appearance or my own to reveal to casual observers that we were anything more than just an ordinary young couple -- perhaps married. But those ... time, in front of a sea captain.

Next para. Fine.

Next para: start with:

I ran a finger around the rim of the glass: "You have ...


Reads reasonably fine from there, several grammar, spelling errors etc -- due to English not being your first language -- but the story is bursting to get out. I agree with Brian about the throat grabbing. Is the African man grabbing his own, or Damien's throat? It's obvious to you, but not to the reader, and confuses all that follows on from it, for a while, and you can't afford to lose the reader's attention so early in the book? So make that clear.
Also 'black' reads better than 'African', unless his nationality IS important to the story? 'African' sounds sort of dated -- Agatha Christie -- Congo bongo-bongo? Unless that's the impression you're deliberately trying to create?
Jane doesn't seem like a gushy 'Oh please and thank you so much' kind of lady?
Also: must his name be 'Damien'? It's a bit like calling him 'Lucifer', you know?
Am waiting for next installment.
Regards
 
Last edited:
As promised here's a bit more (~1440 words)

“Mmm,” I licked my lips as I laid down the wineglass. “Now, that’s very nice.”

Damien
comma
at other side of the table
comma (although I would consider moving this phrase before the "Damian"
smiled slyly as he whisked his hand to send the waiter away. Even though he was really old, there was nothing in his nor mine
my
appearances,
no comma
that would have told the
Are you certain you need this "the"?
casual observers that we were more than a very young couple. Maybe some could have said a married couple. But those,
no comma
who knew us better,
no comma
knew not bring in the m-word matter at
"in" rather than "at"
front of him if they wanted to keep their heads sitting on their shoulders. Especially not the one that was forged in front of the God, or in that time, at front of a sea captain.

“I’m glad you like it
comma
my love,” Damien said, “Because that particular bottle is nearly three hundred years old. I ordered them to open it especially for you.”

“Oh, thank you,” I said as I ran a finger on the rim of the glass. “You have always known how to please girls. Especially those ones
it's either "the ones", or "those"
that have been so-o bad…”

“You… Bad… Nonsense,” he laughed. “You don’t have bad bones in you.”
more conventionally, "a bad bone"
“Then tell me why you summoned me here?
That's not actually a question, it's a command; and I can't see her framing it as a question, either.
” I waved
a (or "my"
probably "at", as I doubt the hand would reach the wall.
our wood panelled surroundings. Everything in the room smelled
"of". Unless that was supposed to be "spelled"
money. The fat men, their scantly dressed escorts, the oil paintings, even the heavy curtains that draped on
Either no "that" or no "on"
the windows, shielding curious eyes on the street from seeing what sort of pleasures were served at the dining hall of Brooke’s gentlemen’s club.

“Do I have to have a specific reason?”

Intriguing.
“Of course there has to be a reason. I know you. You wouldn’t open one of your most precious wines if you would
"did" instead of "would"
not have a reason.”

“Other than having a good time in a
no "a"
beautiful company?”

“Yes,” I said. “Because, if you would want
if you had wanted
to have a good time, you would be with one of your precious dolls. Not with me, my dearly beloved husband.”

He looked shocked for a moment. My words weren’t making him feeling
"feel" instead of "feeling"
better, quite the opposite. But then again I didn’t think he would have appreciated
it
much if I would have
"had" instead of "would have"
turned away from my old habits. After all, he was my husband, and every one of them needed a someone to keep them in their senses. Or else our entire culture would be doomed. It just would not exist.

Suddenly he said, “Don’t you remember what day it is?”

“As if that would change things any different
As written, this should be an adverb (differently), but with the "change"? "Make things any different"? Just Without the "any different" at all?
darling,” I said. “Of course I remember what day it is.” While I added in my mind, how could I be able to forget the day when you sired me? In
possibly "On" rather than "In"
that day he’d lured me from my convent
comma?
through his wicked ways
comma?
to taste the blood of the Damned ones. And ever since the darkness had been my domain, even though I had not stopped looking the
"at" rather than "the"
ways to get back into God’s grace.

At the beginning,
no comma
he’d overlooked the fact and thought I would get over the desire to be with the Lord, but over the years, when that desire had not lessened, it had started to rub him in wrong ways. The Damned ones, as he said, weren’t supposed to be the good. But then again, we both had seen too many cases that proved that not everyone were
was ("everyone" is singular
bowing towards the Fallen Angel. “But why now, when it hasn’t been important to you for decades.”

“Really?” Damien flashed one of his smiles that probably would have wetted any other girl
girl's
pants. “I’m shocked.”

“You don’t look like
She is old enough to use "as if" (correctly, rather than "like".
you’re shocked.”

“Oh, believe me, my dearly beloved wife.
comma rather than full stop.
I am.”

“You could have fooled them.” I waved my hand towards the pair of scantly dressed ladies that were leading their intoxicated fat cat from a tie
is that "by his tie"?
towards the one
toward one of the private rooms
private rooms, “But not me. So, what is it?”

“Why cannot we have a civilised dinner and just enjoy our company?”

“Is that all?” I asked, not believing for a second on
no "on"
what was coming from his mouth. Everything else meant so much to him. This club and its patrons were just one culmination of his operations. Ones that he was leading through his shell corporations in order to keep him closely tied to the real power; power that came through the people.

Over the years, the
no "the"
humanity had advanced so much
comma
and now they were readying themselves to reach the start
stars?
by expanding their dominion over the solar system. And
comma
if I knew anything
comma
he wanted to take us there, among the stars, in the eternal darkness where we wouldn’t have to be scared about the sun anymore.
The sun shines through the entire solar system. Darkness exists in places shadowed from its influence, behind planets, for example. Getting out far enough that the sun's light were no stronger than, say, terrestrial moonlight would be a fair task, even for an immortal.
And? Out?
there the humanity
Either "humanity" with no "the", or "humans"
would serve us like walking food supplies…

Suddenly, before he even managed to find a solution to shut my highly active mind, I saw his head turning towards the centre of the dining hall. At
no "At".
there, a large African man grasped his throat and then
comma
soon after, he
no "he". And consider "fell to the ground"
fell on the ground.

As the precious second trickled away, I found myself unable to move as
As you've started the sentence with an "as", I'd suggest removing this one and putting a full stop here.
I heard his dinner party gasping, while I focused on his heart. It was so strange. It was not there. Yet the man was kicking around as if he was in his death throats.
throes
this is not direct speech attribution, so the "I" should finish with something heavier than a comma (possibly an ellipsis or dash, or a full stop) and the "he" should be capital "H"
he pointed a shaking finger towards the centre.

I found myself absolutely mystified, almost petrified
comma
even though I had seen a lot of death. But that wasn’t
the
case with him, as he quickly wiped
the
corners of his mouth and then said, “Would you excuse me for a moment?”

Before I even had chance to give him my acceptance, he’d winked his hand to get in
no "in"
the waiting personnel’s
no apostrophe s; and consider moving "the patrons" before "away".
to move away the patrons, while two of them kneeled next to the black man to administrate first-aid. And I found myself thinking, why I’m
Why am I not
not doing that? After all
comma
I was fully trained nurse and the first-aid should have been my main function.

But I was freaking out. The hairs at the back on my neck were standing while something in me said to ran
"run" instead of "ran"
. Run, can you believe it? I mean
comma
a
six feet eleven vampire who had taken down quite large fellows, but yet
"but" or "yet", not both.
I was freaking out so much so that I was ready to leave the room with the other people.

However, I didn’t.

I stayed when the waitresses closed the door at
"in", not "at" front of Damien and left us four with the corpse. He touched my arm and asked, “Are you alright?”

“No…” I turned to look at him in the eyes. “Yes…”

“No, you are not,” he said at the same time as we heard a loud groan, and then a freakish cry. We turned to look and saw the African man tearing a chunk of flesh from
a
man’s neck. The waitress automatically slapped a hand over the wound that was sprouting
spouting
blood all over the place. My instincts went nuts as one part of me felt excited over the sight, while the other screamed
to?
me to go help him. It was the first one that won when the African man,
no comma
launched on the second waitress. I felt absolutely exalted for such offerings,
comma after the "and"
and in the corner of my eye, I could see the same thing affecting him. But the African wasn’t doing it for us and
comma
when the second one went down on the ground, he went after him; tearing the clothes, sinking teeth in the exposed flesh.

This man wasn’t a new vampire, not even a werecreature, but something else. There was no life in him, but yet he as hungry as one that had freshly risen from a grave. But it wasn’t the blood that he was after, it was the flesh, cuts, everything.

“Hey you,” Damien shouted to get his attention, but he ignored us, unlikely
unlike
any other newly risen that we’d seen before. Maybe it was the terminal hunger that had shut off his brain, or then
no "then"
maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t scared about his superiors.

“Damien,” I said as I started taking off my stiletto heels.

“Jane,” Damien laid a hand over my shoulder, “Stay out
Conventionally "keep out" or "stay away"
from this. This is my—“

“—I know it’s yours, but—“
[FONT=&quot]
“—no buts,” he said as he took off his coat and threw it at
the
the
nearest chair. Rolling up his sleeves he moved behind the man to repeat his, “Hey you,” line. It worked a little bit better than at the first time. The African looked at him and then turned back to stuff his mouth as if it was going out of fashion.
 
I know I'm very privileged and honoured to receive comments in these two threads. So, I would like to thank you each and everyone of you. Thank you. Your comments were welcomed but it has come to time to put these two thread to bed.

It's true that I'm foreigner, and therefore I'm more likely to make grammatical and spelling mistakes than anyone of you natural speakers. And the truth is, I'm very aware that I'm making those mistakes all the time. However, these two passages aren't "alive" any more. So, I would like to ask you to stop putting in any more of you time and energy to correct the mistakes that aren't there any more.

Please mods lock these two threads for that reason.
 
I won't lock the threads at this stage, ctg. I appreciate that you might not be continuing with this story in this form, but if people want to spend time critiquing it despite your post, that's up to them. The threads will fall off the radar in due course as we get more pieces for critique, anyway.
 
I know I'm very privileged and honoured to receive comments in these two threads. So, I would like to thank you each and everyone of you. Thank you. Your comments were welcomed but it has come to time to put these two thread to bed.

It's true that I'm foreigner, and therefore I'm more likely to make grammatical and spelling mistakes than anyone of you natural speakers. And the truth is, I'm very aware that I'm making those mistakes all the time. However, these two passages aren't "alive" any more. So, I would like to ask you to stop putting in any more of you time and energy to correct the mistakes that aren't there any more.

Please mods lock these two threads for that reason.

CTG! My friend and fellow aspiring writer.

Please don't give up. I honestly believe, and I'm not being disrespectful to Chris or the other critiquers, that even if you were the most successful writer in the world; you will get heavy criticism from our fellow members if you posted here.

You've had alot of nice comments, so take the positive out of this. If I was you, get your story the best you can do and then get an editor to tidy the grammar up etc.

I, personally have always been out of the box when it comes to the general consensus and thinking. If your story is brilliant, the rest can be fixed. Turn the negative into the positive. Your writing in a foreign language - your doing brilliant!!

I was inspired to write, by watching a BBC documentary about Sheila Quigley, a fellow northerner, and maybe she would admit not to be the best writer in the world. And yet the Darley Anderson Agency who represents Martina Cole, John Connoly, Lee Childs amongst others saw something and took her on. She got 300 grand from Random House and sold 4 books. (2 seperate deals)

Darley Anderson said her work took some extra work, but he saw something and decided to work with her.

I mean honestly things like “Mmm,” I licked my lips as I laid down the wineglass.

Should read, “Mmm,” I licked my lips as I put down the wineglass.'

or, “Mmm,” I licked my lips as I placed the wineglass onto the table.'

Accept the fact that as a foreigner as you say, you may not grasp the full spectrum of the English language but that shouldn't stop you, it wouldn't stop me.

Finish your book and get it edited - simple as.

Just a thought, why not make your protagonist a foreigner and then the reader will be drawn into the character more, by the little word Idiosyncrasies your writing has and it will come across as believable.:)

So give yourself a slap and crack on!:)
 
I'm not giving up. Fear not.

What I said, and what should had been understood, was that these passages are no longer in this format as I've moved on with the story. What you have seen are excerpts from the second draft, and a bit of third (current) draft - in the first thread.

These excerpts were never polished versions and I never intended them to be such a things. All I was asking in the first thread was: a) does the story hook the readers, and b) does the female character work?

I feel bad if you guys keep putting in hard work, when I'm not going to use these things. So please try to understand my reasoning for saying these things.
 
Great CTG, your the man.

You will get published. Repeat after me, 'Gary I will get published.'

'Gary I will get published.'

'Gary I will get published.'

That's better, even I'm believing you now:)
 
I'm not giving up. Fear not.

What I said, and what should had been understood, was that these passages are no longer in this format as I've moved on with the story. What you have seen are excerpts from the second draft, and a bit of third (current) draft - in the first thread.

These excerpts were never polished versions and I never intended them to be such a things. All I was asking in the first thread was: a) does the story hook the readers, and b) does the female character work?

I feel bad if you guys keep putting in hard work, when I'm not going to use these things. So please try to understand my reasoning for saying these things.

Ha ha ha ctg -- now you know! The SFF Chronicles ain't messin' around! But, quite seriously, apart from Crispen's corrections -- all of which I applied, to my own immediate benefit -- it was your comments that were the most helpful to me. Ok? So thanks for that ...
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