Help Choosing a style. . .

[MstrTal]

So this is my first foray in to this section and as such I am justifiably apprehensive.

That said I am having a bit of trouble deciding between 1st and 3rd person narrative in a chapter I am working on. In this chapter I am introducing a new character. Below are 2 small snippets from both perspective and I would really appreciate some input. I am currently struggling to find my own voice as I have gotten used to writing academic style papers.

So any pointers, suggestions, and thoughts are welcome beyond which style is more likely to draw you as a reader in.

Note: This is just a very small snippet. Shortly after this something very fantasy based happens to the character.


* * * *

I​

Dawn knew she was in trouble as dusk fell painting the old cracked concrete of the road in various shades of reds and oranges. She had finished the last of her water early in the morning and she was so very thirsty. Her lips where cracked and bleeding, her tongue as dry and raspy as the Arizona landscape that she had ceased to enjoy days ago, her mouth felt like it was packed with cotton and her throat felt as some angry god had rammed the sun itself down it. Much worse her dusky skin was flushed with an underlying redness and painful to the touch; she was feverish and felt dizzy. After six days and hundreds of miles on foot her impulsive decision to run away from “home” had finally caught up with her. She knew she was going to die along this abandoned stretch of road back road in the middle of nowhere.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I​

I knew I was in trouble. In fact that was all I knew after five or six days on foot. My legs had long ago ceased to cramp and I could no longer feel my feet. Even worse I was dizzy and had run out of water sometime earlier in the morning shortly after leaving the main highway for the cracked asphalt of the old back roads. I shook my head at my own stupidity and winced as the throbbing intensified. Why did they have to have those stupid flashing signs along the highway? Worse why did her Aunt have to go and put out an Amber Alert about her, it’s not like anyone from her father’s side of family even cared that she ran away.

I tried to swallow again and nearly choked on my tongue, it was swollen, dry and raspy. My throat felt as if some angry god had crammed the sun down it making each breath painful. Thinking was getting harder and harder. I knew I was getting badly burnt, even worse than that time at the river when I was 12, a whole two summers ago. I could see the flesh of red beneath the dusky skin I had inherited from my Navajo mother. My skin was becoming painful to the touch, every time my cotton of my shirt brushed against me or the denim of my jean shorts rubbed my legs I wanted to scream. Yet at the same time I didn’t feel hot at all, I felt clammy and feverish. I had to find water and shade soon or I would die. Not that anyone back in Albuquerque would mourn me.

 

[slack]

Both are well written, but I think you should stick with Third Person because it seems like you write better in that style. I say that because writing First Person is more than just replacing "he/she" with "I/me". It is the mind and eyes of the narrator, and judging from the snippet you posted here, the First Person 'voice' does not sound authentic. It does not read as someone else's thoughts. For example:

I tried to swallow again and nearly choked on my tongue, it was swollen, dry and raspy. My throat felt as if some angry god had crammed the sun down it making each breath painful.

That does not sound like anything a person would actually think. Supposedly it was getting increasingly difficult for the narrator to think, and yet the prose, the style of writing, does not reflect this. People tend to hallucinate when they're malnourished; their mind plays tricks on them. Their thoughts become abrupt. Disjointed. Sometimes even irrelevant. What seems real may in fact not be real. All sorts of literary techniques, such as the Unreliable Narrator, are used to accomplish these ideas.

Worse why did her Aunt have to go and put out an Amber Alert about her, it’s not like anyone from her father’s side of family even cared that she ran away.

This sentence doesn't seem to fit within the First Person narrative. Assuming that the narrator is talking about her Aunt, it should read something more like this:

Why did Janet think it was necessary to put out an Amber Alert? She never cared before ...

 

[MstrTal]

Thank you!

I will admit I was having trouble trying to get into the mind of the character. After all she is more than half my age and the opposite gender to boot. Thank you for pointing out the accidental shift in perspective. Is there any other issues, particularly with the 1st example or any other general advice?

 

[ctg]

It all comes down to the practice or in other words, in the experience. Like slack says in third person you write through the narrator, but then again, that same thing applies to the first person, where you are telling the story in your very own words. Now, nobody isn't going to say that shouldn't be happening with the third person, because the same rules applies there, especially in the close third person Point-Of-View. In close third POV, you dive into the character head and use his or hers or its senses to narrate the story. However, if you can manage to do that then by no means don't think you cannot write in the first, by assuming his or hers role as you own.

As you are starting to develop you as a write I would recommend you to follow the general rules, where you write stories through third person and after third book, or after considerable time later, you can try to develop the first person POV.

 

[Mouse]

I actually think you're better at the first person stuff. I felt closer to what was happening, your third person piece is actually very 'tell' and a bit meh, whereas your first person piece is much better. In my opinion.

It needs tweaking, but it's early and I can't make suggestions because I'm still half asleep.

 

[HareBrain]

While immediacy is always good, remember that in the first-person narrative, you are the character talking about those events from the perspective of some time later. This allows you to justifiably use thoughts and metaphors more complex than they would have used at the time. You're writing past tense, not present-tense stream-of-consciousness. In this sense, the first-person is further removed than close-in third-person, where immediacy is (almost) everything.

Having said that, if you go down this more reflective route for first-person, you should do so for a reason, and be aware that that is what you're doing. Have in mind the age of the character when she's telling the story. You won't necessarily reveal this, and readers probably won't care or even ask the question, but it might help you get her voice. If it's only days or weeks later, then you need to be more careful about using only words and phrases a girl that age would use. If it's much later, you have more leeway (but should still aim not to diverge too much, unless you want to make it clear it's her older self remembering). Also, is she thinking it, telling it orally or writing it down? That might well change the language.

Personally, though both need some work, I preferred the first-person version. It felt less rushed, for one thing. But unless you feel comfortable with first-person, you're safer going with third. To go all artsy-fartsy for a moment, you should listen to the story and find out which voice it wants to be written in -- though you might not be able to hear that straight away.

(Edit: if you can't be bothered digesting all that, then what Mouse said)

 

[GreenKidx]

I personally felt the first person was a bit more effective. It tells more of a story and paints a broader picture. That last line (no one would mourn her) also really resonates with me. And I don't know if you'd be able to capture that same sense of despair in such a short time.

I think that what also makes the comparison a bit difficult is that the story told is not an exact match up, with all the same points being hit. I think this was the result of you spending alot of time trying get into Dawn's head... as a result, that version felt more full.

Just my humble little opinion...as a reader who writes. But be ware I don't know all the rules and ignore the ones I know

 

[A. S. Behsam]

I really like the second version. I think despite what you said about facing difficulties while trying to imagine yourself in Dawn's situation, you pretty much managed to convey the sense of despair your character feels which shows your ability to write the first person narrative decently. Moreover, I do think that the situation your character's in can relate to us -the readers- more through the first person narrative rather than the third; even though you wrote the first part very well.
So if I were you, I'd stick to the second style. Once I thought first person narrative can never be as interesting as third person narrative, but then I came to conclude that sometimes third person narrative can't even get close to the quality that first person narrative can contribute to your work. It all depends on the situation of the character and what feels more real.

BTW, I love your character's name.

 

[chrispenycate]

So this is my first foray in to this section and as such I am justifiably apprehensive.

That said I am having a bit of trouble deciding between 1st and 3rd person narrative in a chapter I am working on. In this chapter I am introducing a new character. Below are 2 small snippets from both perspective

s

and I would really appreciate some input. I am currently struggling to find my own voice as I have gotten used to writing academic style papers.

So any pointers, suggestions, and thoughts are welcome beyond which style is more likely to draw you as a reader in.

Note: This is just a very small snippet. Shortly after this something very fantasy based happens to the character.


* * * *

I​

Dawn knew she was in trouble as dusk fell

comma

painting the old cracked concrete of the road in various shades of reds and oranges. She had finished the last of her water early in the morning and she was so very thirsty. Her lips where

were

cracked and bleeding, her tongue as dry and raspy as the Arizona landscape that she had ceased to enjoy days ago, her mouth felt like it was packed with cotton and her throat felt as some angry god had rammed the sun itself down it. Much worse

comma

her dusky skin was flushed with an underlying redness and painful to the touch; she was feverish and felt dizzy. After six days and hundreds of miles on foot her impulsive decision to run away from “home” had finally caught up with her. She knew she was going to die along this abandoned stretch of road

without the first "road"

back road in the middle of nowhere.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I​

I knew I was in trouble. In fact that was all I knew after five or six days on foot. My legs had long ago ceased to cramp and I could no longer feel my feet. Even worse I was dizzy and had run out of water sometime earlier in the morning

so, this one's in the morning, the other after an entire day under the sun? And the "cracked concrete" of the first one has metamorphosed into ashphalt (both, admittedly, good analogues for the feeling in her skin).

shortly after leaving the main highway for the cracked asphalt of the old back roads. I shook my head at my own stupidity and winced as the throbbing intensified. Why did they have to have those stupid flashing signs along the highway?

are those reflective signs, or do they really have something, even on back roads, that can overwhelm a desert sun?

Worse

comma

why did her

my?

Aunt have to go and put out an Amber Alert about her

me? Comma splice Semicolon

, it’s not like anyone from her

my

father’s side of

the

family even cared that she ran

I had run

away.

I tried to swallow again and nearly choked on my tongue,

[color=red, semicolon?[/color]

it was swollen, dry and raspy.

I don't think "raspy" is quite right for a tongue (unless she's a cat)

My throat felt as if some angry god had crammed the sun down it

comma

making each breath painful. Thinking was getting harder and harder. I knew I was getting badly burnt, even worse than that time at the river when I was 12, a whole two summers ago. I could see the flesh

Flush (I hope for her sake. If the skin is actually splitting open, she's got real problems.)

of red beneath the dusky skin I had inherited from my Navajo mother. My skin was becoming painful to the touch, every time my

"the" rather than "my"

cotton of my shirt brushed against me

comma

or the denim of my jean shorts rubbed my legs

comma

I wanted to scream. Yet at the same time I didn’t feel hot at all,

comma splice.

I felt clammy and feverish. I had to find water and shade soon or I would die. Not that anyone back in Albuquerque would mourn me.

For me, in the first person version she's too lucid, too inforich. It's a problem telling us that much of her back history when, even looking back on it the things running through her head are unlikely to be family related.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I thought the first person version was far superior. You zoomed in on her physical sensations, her thoughts, in a way that made me as a reader feel as though I was sharing them. In third person, you started out with the dusk and the sunset, which I found distancing.

Had you started with a long view of a small sun-burned figure trudging down the road, looking tiny in the vast emptiness of the desert (and so on and so forth, waxing lyrical), then switched to a close third person perspective from Dawn's viewpoint, that would have been one thing. But first you start with Dawn's thoughts and in the same sentence take a long step back to describe the twilight and the sunset, and that does not work.

In first person, except for that lapse about her aunt (which I assumed was something left over from a previous draft, that you forgot to change when you decided to write the scene in a different viewpoint), you were more consistent.

However, this part

knew I was getting badly burnt, even worse than that time at the river when I was 12, a whole two summers ago. I could see the flesh of red beneath the dusky skin I had inherited from my Navajo mother.

struck me as pure info-dump. It was just too obvious a way of cramming in information about her age and her mother, not to mention that an incident that happened two summers ago in another place seems totally irrelevant, since the only thing the two events have in common is a bad sunburn. You can find a more graceful way to work in her age, and save her Native American heritage for when it's important.

Otherwise, version number two drew me into the scene very quickly and kept me right there, vicariously sharing Dawn's misery.

 

[MstrTal]

Thank you all. I am working diligently on rewrites now keeping every thing you have said in mind. Even though it is much harder for me I am going to try and go with the 1st person perspective.

I will work much harder on the grammatical errors.

As well as the tendency to Info dump.

I will also whenever I run into a blockage or am at a loss work on the 3rd person. I found that when I was floundering with the 1st person that the 3rd person for some reason opened up avenues I had previously not considered.

Thank you all very much! I hope I can return the favor and continue to beg your indulgence from time to time.