From ERLOS by RJM Corbet

Status
Not open for further replies.

RJM Corbet

Deus Pascus Corvus
Joined
Mar 25, 2011
Messages
3,199
Location
Devon UK
This is an excerpt from my book ERLOS -- from Book Four 'Angel Brother' ...
***************************************************************************

 
The jungle was starting to darken as they began to descend into what appeared to be a natural amphitheatre, a crater. It was getting dark and they had no choice but to go on. Kym Myaan had recovered strongly from his dreadful wound and a trust had developed. It was dark when they reached the bottom of the crater. Kym Myaan led them to the entrance of a cave, deep in the lubyar jungle. Little wonder no man had ever found the home of the legendary Kradok or, thought Tyl, with a chill, that none had lived to tell.

Kym Myaan had led them to a narrow gap between two rocks. From deep within the fissure there shone a faint blue light. Sorac went first, squeezing down between the boulders and into the cave. At the end of a short, steep climb, a flat, slippery platform of grey water smooth limestone led more gradually down to where a silent pool seemed to be lit from within by the strange blue light. He could not make out where the colour came from. The water appeared to glow.

"There is a pool here," he called up: "A beautiful blue pool."

The others followed him down and they all gazed at the lovely pool. Smooth limestone cliffs rose from the still water to huge heights. All was lit with the strange blue radiance. For some reason Sorac thought of the Urinarda stone around his waist, and when he took the stone out of the pouch, it was glowing with the same light that came from the pool, but much brighter.

"It will light the way," said Tyl.

Somehow, she was not afraid.

There were a great many dark tunnel entrances in the limestone walls around them.

"Kym will show the way," Toache said.

Now the kradok led them into labyrinthine darkness. But by the light of the Urinarda Stone they walked like dreamers through huge cathedrals glittering with crystals, and upon narrow ledges falling to infinite depths.

They passed colossal and contorted natural stone formations and walked carefully for hours beside a huge underground lake, black and still as a mirror, whose silent waters Kym Myaan warned them not to disturb, lest they arouse leviathan who dwelt within its depths. As Kym Myaan led them further into the deep of the earth, water dripped from ancient underground cliffs where the fall of a pebble created resounding echoes. They were no longer weary or hungry but were instead filled with a sense of wonder, though watchful and aware in every sense. In the womb of the earth they had no fear, while the light of the Urinarda Stone surrounded them.

From time to time, within the dark and twisting tunnels, they encountered other kradoks, but the kradoks would not enter within the aura of the stone. Kym Myaan warned them off with what started as a deep rumble in his guts and then became a terrifying sound that bellowed outward from his lungs and shook the walls, dislodging loose stalactites from the roof to fall tinkling around them, before echoing away to final silence in the depths of the caverns, and the other kradoks vanished back into the darkness allowing the party to go on their way unmolested.



 



The four travellers were tiny beneath magnificent archways and pillars and delicately folded lace curtains of limestone, where priceless gems shone in the walls amidst fantastic natural sculptures that reared and twisted high and huge around them into the darkness above.

Now they began to feel themselves surrounded by dark entities – grey shifting forms with glowing red eyes. The creatures chattered and growled all around them outside the light of the Urinarda Stone. The noisy little creatures became more numerous until at last one of them came forward from the others and, communicating through Kym Myaan, asked them to follow.

"No, we will not go with you."

More chattering and growling ensued, until eventually the creature said: "We have seen your light, from the world above, and we wish you no harm. Our king, who is called Baalt, of the Urda, asks that you come to him, for the child of our king is dying and he begs you to use your light to heal his child."

So they followed the Urda down into the very bowels of the earth, along narrow ledges around dark sulphurous pits and above fast flowing rivers of white hot molten rock that sparked and flamed, casting their own shadows as grotesque dancing forms high above them. For hours they walked, until they came out into a great hall where, amidst strange, sombre monoliths engraved with ancient runes and surrounded by dark towering statues of men with horns and tails, clad in spiky armour and armed with jagged weapons, they came at last before the little king of the Urda upon his enormous black throne.

The crowd of Urda fell upon their faces before their king but the party remained standing, the blue light of the Urinarda stone casting a protective aura around them. Now the strange little king came down from his dark throne and prostrated himself before the four travellers through his realm.

"Rise," said Sorac: "I will allow no being to bow before me."

The king rose to stand before the shepherd.

"I am Baalt," he said: "I see your light, and beg your name."

"I am Sorac of Aazyr. My companions are Tyl, Toache and Kym Myaan," Sorac replied.

"Within these halls of the Urda are jewels and gold more than the greatest kingdom upon your world above has ever known," said the Urda King: "And I will give it all to you, if you will but heal my son with your light from above."

"Then keep your treasure, Baalt, and take us to the child," Sorac replied.

The king took them to the dying child, and when the child saw the light of the Urinarda Stone he was at once well. But when Baalt again threw himself at Sorac’s feet, sobbing and crying his gratitude, Sorac said: "Rise, Baalt, and stand tall amongst your people, for it is your own faith that has healed the child, and I have truly met a King today."






Now if this story were to tell of everything they encountered in the netherworld, of all the wonders and the terrors there, and from which legends were to grow, then it would never end, but eventually they emerged from the caves, blinking in the unaccustomed light, upon the mountains which were the natural border of Llozd ...





******************************************************

... Phew! Now I'm scared ...
 
Last edited:
Obviously, there are things we would know if we'd read the lead up to this that make it a bit complicated to follow like this, but I'll try and point out some possible problems.

Rather a drastic contrast between the amount of descriptive, and the sole action (the instantaneous cure). A bit like spending an hour and a half in the doctor's waiting room for a "I see. Take two aspirins and come back tomorrow if it hasn't improved".



The jungle was starting to darken as they began to descend into what appeared to be a natural amphitheatre, a crater. It was getting dark and they had no choice but to go on. Kym Myaan had recovered strongly from his dreadful wound and a trust had developed. It was dark when they reached the bottom of the crater.
Too many repetitions of the word "dark", and I'm not sure about the adverb "strongly" for a recovery.

slippery platform of grey water smooth limestone
perhaps hyphenate the water-smooth? I originally saw grey water.

For some reason Sorac thought of the Urinarda stone around his waist, and when he took the stone out of the pouch, it was glowing with the same light that came from the pool, but much brighter.
Probably move that first comma after the "and", and am I the only one who finds the name of that stone questionable?

water dripped from ancient underground cliffs where the fall of a pebble created resounding echoes.
Surely the drips would also awake echoes, meaning they wouldn't be quite so careful about not making any noise of their own?

The four travellers were tiny beneath magnificent archways and pillars and delicately folded lace curtains of limestone, where priceless gems shone in the walls amidst fantastic natural sculptures that reared and twisted high and huge around them into the darkness above.
Yes, I know, it's fantasy; but gemstones don't tend to occur in limestone. How would they get there? Gems are created by the heat and pressure in the depths of the Earth, limestone is seashells.
 
Yes, I know about the gems in limestone, which is CaCO2, same as seashells. However, I have found quartz crystals in sandstone. Shhh .... don't tell anyone, I took poetic liberty. The name of the stone is the name of the stone: the Urinarda Stone. Like the Cullinan Diamond. Its not for me to change that. As for the hyphen, consider it done. Thanks for the review, Crispen. I seem to have escaped relatively lightly
icon7.gif
 
Last edited:
I, too, felt a little disoriented, jumping in the middle like that. I was a little confused when the two kings came face to face. The cure also seemed too simple. There was no real crisis here. They travelled underground, met a king and cured his son with the light from a stone. I think you need to add something to increase the tension.

Your prose could also use a little work. It's rather inefficient at times. Avoid having too much "appeared to," "seemed to," "began to," or "started to."

The jungle was starting to darken as they began to descend into what appeared to be a natural amphitheatre, a crater. It was getting dark and they had no choice but to go on.

How about:

The jungle darkened as they descended into a crater shaped like a natural amphitheatre. Although the light failed, they had no choice but to go on. Time was of the essence.

This says the same as your version, but it is more efficient, and I've given them a deadline. They might not make it in time to save Baalt's son. Never lose sight of that. It increases the intensity, and draws the reader deeper into the drama.
 
Hi. I thought what you've written is good, but I think, as the others say, the problem is that you've jumped in. The story seems like it has a good plot and is exciting to read but I got confused because I didn't know who all the characters were which made it hard for me to picture it. Really want to read more though and see what happens to them. Well done.
 
... I've given them a deadline. They might not make it in time to save Baalt's son. Never lose sight of that. It increases the intensity, and draws the reader deeper into the drama ...

No deadline, they just had to use the caves as a desperate attempt to get out the jungle. It was getting dark, and strange things come out at night in those parts. They didn't know what to expect in the caves. The cure was instant. I can tell you more about the Urinarda stone, if you're interested? The writer (his name is Hamish el Tyrone) is just telling it like it was. I can't change the facts. I just pulled 1200 words pulled out of his manuscript. Perhaps I will post another excerpt later on? Thanks for reading, Anne ...
icon7.gif


Hi. I thought what you've written is good, but I think, as the others say, the problem is that you've jumped in. The story seems like it has a good plot and is exciting to read but I got confused because I didn't know who all the characters were which made it hard for me to picture it. Really want to read more though and see what happens to them. Well done.

That's so cool! Thank you ali.
icon7.gif
Know any tame literary agents?
Thank you both for your comments ...
 
Last edited:
RJM, I've moved your posted further excerpt from ERLOS into a thread of its own.

The sub-forums rules are that a second, different, extract should go into a separate thread, unless the two pieces together come to less than the 1500 word limit for one thread. (A revision/amendment of the first piece can carry on in the same thread for obvious reasons.)
 
I've just read both excerpts, and I'll treat them as one for the purpose of this critique, which won't be long anyway. I think you've done a good job of creating the voice for the storyteller (which I assume is different from the rest of the narrative) -- it feels like a voice from some time ago, but without feeling faux-archaic or pastichey. It reminded me of David Lindsay or someone from the thirties; the whole thing had that weirdness about it, but also a seriousness and its own sense of reality.

As others have mentioned, some of it needs a bit of tightening. You have both "starting to darken" and "it was getting dark" in the first two lines. But otherwise it pulled me along on both readings.

I wouldn't mind knowing why you put up this section rather than one which is presumably more typical? Or is the whole thing in this style?
 
I've just read both excerpts, and I'll treat them as one for the purpose of this critique, which won't be long anyway. I think you've done a good job of creating the voice for the storyteller (which I assume is different from the rest of the narrative) -- it feels like a voice from some time ago, but without feeling faux-archaic or pastichey. It reminded me of David Lindsay or someone from the thirties; the whole thing had that weirdness about it, but also a seriousness and its own sense of reality.

As others have mentioned, some of it needs a bit of tightening. You have both "starting to darken" and "it was getting dark" in the first two lines. But otherwise it pulled me along on both readings.

I wouldn't mind knowing why you put up this section rather than one which is presumably more typical? Or is the whole thing in this style?

Thank you, I really mean it. Yes, I just pulled a bit out of the book and tried it on crits, not quite for fun, but if everyone hated it, it would have given me a few bad nights.
As regards the tightening up, yes, I agree with you, the manuscript does need a bit more editing.
The style is deliberate, and thank you for picking that up.
Regards.
Roger.
 
I agree on the tightening and the randomness of the selection. I still think the story has alot of promise.

Questions - If Kym lost its foot, how is it moving so well or is that not the injury mentioned?
Does healing the child add to the storyline? Will Baalt return later in some capacity? If not, I'd cut this scene.
 
No deadline, they just had to use the caves as a desperate attempt to get out the jungle. It was getting dark, and strange things come out at night in those parts. They didn't know what to expect in the caves. The cure was instant. I can tell you more about the Urinarda stone, if you're interested? The writer (his name is Hamish el Tyrone) is just telling it like it was. I can't change the facts. I just pulled 1200 words pulled out of his manuscript. Perhaps I will post another excerpt later on? Thanks for reading, Anne ...
icon7.gif




That's so cool! Thank you ali.
icon7.gif
Know any tame literary agents?
Thank you both for your comments ...

I'm a bit worried about this. Are you saying this isn't your own writing?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads


Back
Top