Untitled Short Story Excerpt - 800 Words

[RoninJedi84]

Hey, everyone. Finished the first round of editting and curious as to what a reader would think before I show it to a few trusted friends of mine and go for another round on the chopping block.

At the moment, I feel like the weak link in the story's chain is the introduction.

Basically, I want it to do two things: Tell you who the character is, and how things got to be the way the are, while still leaving specifics up to the imagination. However, I'm not sure how well it does that. Any and all complaints/criticisms are welcomed and will be taken to heart, and any insight as to whether it does what I intended are especially appreciated.

-Matt



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So cold...​

Jeremy Gordon sat quietly in the corner of the cabin's lower floor, staring out the window. Thick, billowing clouds rolled across the afternoon sky, blotting out the sun and casting everything in varying shades of gray. A chill wind blew fiercely across the small valley, bending trees this way and that, scattering leaves and broken limbs through the air in a swirling vortex of brush.​

Jeremy shivered as a strong gust kicked up, rattling the thin windows and seeping through the spaces between wood and glass, raising goosebumps along his flesh. He wrapped his jacket closely about his lean frame, the ragged and torn material doing little to ward off the cold. Six months since the end of life as they knew it, and he, Kimberly, and Daniel were still here to suffer through another day. He wondered if there would be another.​

He allowed himself to ponder it, the thought hanging in his mind like smoke on the air. The wind had come first, a terrifying phenomenon fueled by elements no one could name or explain. It brought with it a blanket of clouds that soon loosed a torrential downpour upon the earth before the rain turned to ice, moving across the land in monolithic sheets of white that strangled everything they touched. In less than a month, the world had been thrown into an ice age, and the routine of survival became something from prehistoric times. Hundreds of millions had lost their lives in that first month, and untold thousands of others had perished in the attempt to locate a warmer area.​

Jeremy remembered the tales vividly, shaking his head with a sigh. The poor, clueless bastards. In the ensuing months, nothing had changed. The merciless barrage continued to pelt the earth without mercy, and no power of man could stop it. Those who survived were forced to eek out an existence wherever they could, foraging for food, shelter, and whatever they could find to keep their fires alive.​

A new wave of memories rushed into Jeremy's mind. He winced at the coming, desperate to keep the recollections at bay, but there was nothing for it. Huddled within the shredded jacket and blankets, Jeremy Gordon shivered as he relived the grotesque acts he had committed to protect and provide for his wife and son.​

In the beginning, things had been simple. Water was not a worry. A smattering of animals still inhabited the area, little trouble to hunt in their altered habitat, and for a time his family had survived comfortably on the food and heat sources the creatures provided. It wasn't long, though, before live game became nearly impossible to find. Yet even then, frozen corpses were plentiful, and proved to be sufficient. Cooked thoroughly, much of the meat was suitable to eat, and what was not edible was used as fuel for the wood-burning stove.​

Yes, he recalled. Survival had been simple.​

But even the frozen landscape could not prevent the decay of the Gordon's food stores. Jeremy had watched with a pained stomach as Kimberly and Daniel consumed the last of what little food they had been forced to ration for more than three weeks, after he had dug through the snow to find most of it rotted or withered beyond use. He had looked on in silence as his wife and son ate gratefully, and prayed their final meal would be a fulfilling one.​

A cough somewhere behind him snapped Jeremy back to reality. He started to look over his shoulder, but stopped himself. He knew what he would find, and quickly decided it was a sight he would rather not take in. Instead he stood slowly, wrapping himself in another blanket as he moved to the stairs, the heavy thump of his footsteps echoing through the cabin, and he suddenly felt alone. The weight of what he had witnessed, of what circumstance and desperation had lead him to do, rested heavily on his shoulders, a tangible burden threatening to suffocate his very sanity.​

Jeremy felt a tear stream down his cheek. He had never intended for things to turn the way they had. He had only wished to see to it that Kimberly and Daniel did not suffer the agony so many others had endured before death finally released them. Besides, the sacrifices had been necessary, had they not?​

His stomach turned as he topped the stairs and seated himself slowly, crossing his legs and rocking back and forth like a child warding off the lingering terror of a nightmare. He had condemned his soul to the fiery pits of Hell, and he knew it. As he wondered if any hope of salvation remained, his sins rushed into the forefront of his mind and he failed to shut them away as they played themselves out before his very eyes...​

 

[alchemist]

Greetings RJ,
blue = addition
red = comment

So cold...I think I'd drop these 2 words​

Jeremy Gordon sat quietly in the corner of the cabin's lower floor, staring out of the window. Thick, billowing clouds rolled across the afternoon sky, blotting out the sun and casting everything in varying shades of gray. A chill wind blew fiercely across the small valley, bending trees this way and that, scattering leaves and broken limbs through the air in a swirling vortex of brush.​

Jeremy Perhaps "He" instead of Jeremy here shivered as a strong gust kicked upyou've described a lot of wind so far, so maybe drop "kicked up", rattling the thin windows and seeping through the spaces between wood and glass, raising goosebumps along his flesh. He wrapped his jacket closely about his lean frame, the ragged and torn material doing little to ward off the cold. Six months since the end of life as they knew it, and he, Kimberly, and Daniel were still here to suffer through another day. He wondered if there would even be another.​

The start of the next paragraph seems a little forced. Consider this rearrangement instead. I'm not saying its better, only different.

"He wrapped his jacket closely about his lean frame, the ragged and torn material doing little to ward off the cold. They were still here to suffer through another day, Kimberly, Daniel and he. He wondered if there would even be another. Six months since the end of life as they knew it...

The wind had come first, a terrifying phenomenon fueled by elements no one could name or explain....................

He allowed himself to ponder it, the thought hanging in his mind like smoke on the air. The wind had come first, a terrifying phenomenon fueled by elements no one could name or explain. It brought with it a blanket of clouds that soon loosed a torrential downpour upon the earth before the rain turned to ice, moving across the land in monolithic sheets of white that strangled everything they touched. In less than a month, the world had been thrown into an ice age, and the routine of survival became something from prehistoric times. Hundreds of millions had lost their lives in that first month, and untold thousands of others had perished in the attempt to locate a warmer area. I like the description​

Jeremy remembered the tales vividly, shaking his head with a sigh. The poor, clueless bastards. In the ensuing months, nothing had changed. The merciless barrage continued to pelt the earth without mercy, and no power of man could stop it. Those who survived were forced to eek eke, unless you're going to reveal they're mice, which would be cool out an existence wherever they could, foraging for food, shelter, and whatever they could find to keep their fires alive. I think this is as far as you can get with the info-dumping, without it getting too much. I'd suggest some action to split it up before giving more backstory.​

A new wave of memories rushed into Jeremy's mind. He winced at the coming the coming what?, desperate to keep the recollections at bay, but there was nothing for it. Huddled within the shredded jacket and blankets, Jeremy Gordon cut the Gordon shivered as he relived the grotesque cut the grotesque, I think. Just doesn't sit right here acts he had committed to protect and provide for his wife and son.​

In the beginning, things had been simple. Water was not a worry. A smattering of animals still inhabited the area, little trouble to hunt in their altered habitat, and for a time his family had survived comfortably on the food and heat sources the creatures provided. Why are our intrepid trio the only ones in the area to survive? It wasn't long, though, before live game became nearly impossible to find. Yet even then, frozen corpses were plentiful, and proved to be sufficient. Cooked thoroughly, much of the meat was suitable to eat, and what was not edible was used as fuel for the wood-burning stove.​

Yes, he recalled. Survival had been simple.​

But even the frozen landscape could not prevent the decay of the Gordon's food stores. Jeremy had watched with a pained stomach as Kimberly and Daniel consumed the last of what little food they had been forced to ration for more than three weeks, after he had dug through the snow to find most of it rotted or withered beyond use. He had looked on in silence as his wife and son ate gratefully, and prayed their final meal would be a fulfilling one. It's just too much info so far.​

A cough somewhere behind him snapped Jeremy back to reality. He started to look over his shoulder, but stopped himself. He knew what he would find, and quickly decided it was a sight he would rather not take in. Instead he stood slowly, wrapping himself in another blanket as he moved to the stairs, the heavy thump of his footsteps echoing through the cabin, and he suddenly felt alone. The weight of what he had witnessed, of what circumstance and desperation had lead him to do, rested heavily on his shoulders, a tangible burden threatening to suffocate his very sanity.​

Jeremy felt a tear stream down his cheek. He had never intended for things to turn the way they had. He had only wished to see to it that Kimberly and Daniel did not suffer the agony so many others had endured before death finally released them. Besides, the sacrifices had been necessary, had they not? I think you're straining to not use contractions in a number of sentences, especially here​

His stomach turned as he topped the stairs and seated himself slowly, crossing his legs and rocking back and forth like a child warding off the lingering terror of a nightmare. He had condemned his soul to the fiery pits of Hell, and he knew it. As he wondered if any hope of salvation remained, his sins rushed into the forefront of his mind and he failed to shut them away as they played themselves out before his very eyes... I hope there's not more backstory coming here....​

So, yes, you can probably see the main thrust of my critique, i.e. the infodumping. Otherwise, the description, tone etc. is good. It might be better to show Jeremy's revulsion at what he has to do, rather than tell it e.g. a realtime flashback with realtime emotions. But, overall, I have no doubt you'll polish this well.

Good luck!

 

[RoninJedi84]

Much appreciated input. I was afraid the intro had become an infodump, but on the bright side the next part is a flashback like you mentioned, showing the first act he's repulsed by.

Also, many thanks for asking a question which honestly hadn't even occured to me. Why are these three the only ones in the area to survive? That's something I will work with, possibly break up the info with a flashback or something to have some action? Hmm...

Definitely a few things to play with for Round Two. Thanks!

 

[Jake Reynolds]

I genuinely like it a lot, and I actually didn;t think it was too much fo an info dump- maybe the odd trim here and there.

I'll like it even better if it turns out that he ate his wife and child.

 

[Kiercoria99]

RoninJedi84 - Please bear in mind all of this is IMO and skewed to all my biases and desires as a reader. Also, as a excerpt, I can only go on what is here and judged it on it own, sole weight as if there were no more to come.


So cold... (unnecessary here – doesn’t grab)

(This doesn’t grab me particularly) Jeremy Gordon sat quietly in the corner of the cabin's lower floor, staring out the window. Thick, billowing clouds rolled across the afternoon sky, blotting out the sun and casting everything in varying shades of gray. A chill wind blew (fiercely) (unnecessary - the bending trees show this) across the small valley, bending trees this way and that, scattering leaves and broken limbs through the air in a swirling vortex of brush.

Jeremy shivered as a strong gust (deleted extra words) , rattled the thin windows, seeping through the spaces between wood and glass, raising goosebumps along his flesh. He wrapped his jacket closely about his lean frame, the ragged and torn material doing little to ward off the cold. Six months since the end of life as they knew it, and he, Kimberly, and Daniel were still here to suffer through another day. (awkward wording, tighten) He wondered if there would be another. (So far all your sentences have the same rhythm. Vary your sentence lengths more to add tempo and variety.)

He allowed himself to ponder it, the thought hanging in his mind like smoke on the air. (nice) The wind had come first, a terrifying phenomenon fueled by elements no one could name or explain. (this irritates me and feels like a cop-out – drop it and move on to what he did see and can explain) It brought with it a blanket of clouds that soon loosed a torrential downpour upon the earth before the rain turned to ice, moving across the land in monolithic sheets of white that strangled everything they touched. In less than a month, the world had been thrown into an ice age, and the routine of survival became something from prehistoric times. Hundreds of millions had lost their lives in that first month, and untold thousands of others had perished in the attempt to locate a warmer area. (For a short story, you need to get to the meat. Too much exposition – I’m not there, not feeling it, in no way connected to the character. You can keep the mystery but you have to get more concrete about the info you want to impart. Make it personal, relevant)

Jeremy remembered the tales vividly, shaking his head with a sigh. The poor, clueless bastards. In the ensuing months, nothing had changed. The merciless barrage continued to pelt the earth without mercy, and no power of man could stop it. Those who survived were forced to eke out an existence wherever they could, foraging for food, shelter, and whatever they could find to keep their fires alive.

A new wave of memories rushed into Jeremy's mind. He winced at the coming, desperate to keep the recollections at bay, but there was nothing for it. Huddled within the shredded jacket and blankets, Jeremy (Gordon) shivered as he relived the grotesque acts he had committed to protect and provide for his wife and son. (In this world, what real use or meaning does a name, his name, his surname have? Just a thought.)

In the beginning, things had been simple. Water was not a worry. A smattering of animals still inhabited the area, little trouble to hunt in their altered habitat, and for a time his family had survived comfortably on the food and heat sources the creatures provided. It wasn't long, though, before live game became nearly impossible to find. Yet even then, frozen corpses were plentiful, and proved to be sufficient. Cooked thoroughly, much of the meat was suitable to eat, and what was not edible was used as fuel for the wood-burning stove. (I’d love to see this first hand – him peeling the frozen carcasses off the ice, the sound of the frozen fur ripping free, the tufts of hair left like (use appropriate image) in the ice.)

Yes, he recalled. Survival had been simple.

But even the frozen landscape could not prevent the decay of the Gordon's food stores. Jeremy had watched with a pained stomach as Kimberly and Daniel consumed the last of what food they had been forced to ration for more than three weeks, after he had dug through the snow to find most of it rotted or withered beyond use. He had looked on in silence as his wife and son ate gratefully, and prayed their final meal would be a fulfilling one. (awkward, rewrite for clarity and tension)

A cough somewhere behind him snapped Jeremy back to reality. He started to look over his shoulder, but stopped himself. He knew what he would find, and quickly decided it was a sight he would rather not take in. (As a reader, I have no idea what's behind him or what he might see - could be anything from a cupcake to a zombie) Instead he stood slowly, wrapping himself in another blanket as he moved to the stairs, the heavy (unnecessary, implied in thump) thump of his footsteps echoing through the cabin, and he suddenly felt alone. The weight of what he had witnessed, of what circumstance and desperation had lead him to do, rested heavily on his shoulders, a tangible burden threatening to suffocate his very sanity.

Jeremy felt a tear stream down his cheek. He had never intended for things to turn the way they had. (in what sense? The world ending? What happened since? Too general and prosaic.) He had only wished to see to it that Kimberly and Daniel did not suffer the agony so many others had endured before death finally released them. Besides, the sacrifices had been necessary, had they not? (If they are dead, who coughed? I may have the wrong idea of what's going on.)

His stomach turned as he topped the stairs and seated himself slowly, crossing his legs and rocking back and forth like a child warding off the lingering terror of a nightmare. He had condemned his soul to the fiery pits of Hell, (cliché, can you find a different phrasing) and he knew it. As he wondered if any hope of salvation remained, his sins rushed into the forefront of his mind and he failed to shut them away as they played themselves out before his very eyes...

It’s a very emotional and compelling idea. I must admit, I immediately thought of the movie, The Road. You can help me as a reader to break away from that by showing me more of Jeremy’s struggle with the reality of living in that situation, making it more personal, more showing, less atmosphere and general telling of how he feels about his actions.

 

[Kiercoria99]

Sorry for the additional post but I went over my edit timelimit and I forgot to address your two specific areas of inquiry.

As to what you are trying to do:
I would sum up what I know of Jeremy as - a father and husband, survivor of a planetary natural(ish) disaster who has made some very hard choices to foster his family's and his own survival.
As for the plight of the world - It's now a cold and dismal world as a result of some possibly (un)natural disaster. It's cold, windy, cold, wet, windy and cloudy, oh and cold. I honestly have no idea how things got they way they did. I can only guess so Im going with - cow farts - the methane finally built up enough, lit on fire, scoured the earth in fire and when it burned out, it got cold. Okay, maybe not but I tried. I don't need to know what happened more than what you've told me, but I would like to see the results more clearly, not only through the cabin window. I look forward to finding out what is going on in the next installment.