Missed Opportunity

[Allanon]

This wouldn't have won I know after reading the winning entry from April's 75 Word Challenge and probably wouldn't have been close but I liked this one and was gutted when I missed the deadline so here it is for your viewing/critiqing pleasure.

Genre was PARANORMAL ROMANCE

Theme was ...HAPPY EVER AFTER

Jitters

I don’t get this cravat, my hands are too shaky.

There… time to go… I’m a little nervous, but she’s so perfect.

I spoke to her last night, She said it’d be fine.

Well… I’d better get on with it.

He swallowed the drink and lay beside her on the bed.

He woke, staring down at the two of them. She took his hand and smiled.

They gave their vows one final time.

 

[Boneman]

oooh... can see how you'd be upset to have missed the deadline, that's a great story. I guess if you wanted a critique, I'd ask why have you changed from 1st person pov to 3rd? But... if you'd said "I swallowed the drink etc' and then 'He woke, staring down etc' we'd have admired the clever way you shifted focus. But it's still a great 75 worder! Or is it 74?

(btw - cat came out and wandered around the garden, and then went back under the hedge, so I'm less worried now.)

 

[alchemist]

I think it's a very good one too, maybe a shortlister for me, and echo what Boneman said about the POV. You also leave a space after each ellipsis - I'm not sure at all, but this may be wrong.

 

[Allanon]

First of all I'd like to thank you Boneman and Alchemist for taking the time to read this and I'm glad you like it. Boneman I'm glad the cat has moved!!

Thank you for your comments. I changed it from 1st to 3rd person to show the link from hime being alive to being dead, after re-reading it I agree that I should have left it to the next line as you pointed out. It would have been much better that way.

 

[geordie bob]

Great little story too start my morning thanks very much.

 

[Allanon]

You're welcome!!