A very short passage (250 words)

[LukeW]

G'day

This is a follow up to the last thread that I started in the critique forum regarding a childrens’ book. Most of the artwork is done now and I can begin focussing on the narrative side.

Each double-page spread is divided up into image and text. The text remains only on the left, while the majority of the imagery is on the right.

As this book is designed for a younger audience, I have to be careful with how much each page contains. When I made the first draft it came in at 500 words, which seemed really excessive. Looking at the works of Graeme Base (whose work one could say is word-heavy), he seems to average around the 250 word mark for a similar layout to the style that I’m after (text on the left, imagery on the right) in Discovery of Dragons.

Obviously the book is going to fail if readers are put off by the amount of text.

This is my attempt at the narrative for year one (which is page one).

Originally, I was going to give a bit of room for every character, but that’s not possible with the restricted word count. Instead I’m going for easy and enjoyable to read. The names of the dwarves will be included in the imagery.

At this point I’m really after people’s initial impressions and see if there are better ways of approaching this.

Cheers

Year One:

We’ve arrived. After trekking through the Forest of Harrowleens for 182 days, our great and noble leader - Harvey Langman – declared the site appropriate to ‘the needs and wants of a great dwarven nation,’ whatever that means. The mountains here are old, pocked with limestone deposits and coal, with the promise of rare metals sure to be buried deeper.

Despite a severe lack of writing resources, I’m going to keep this journal to document the founding of our new city, which we have named: Jurnalgard.

Initially nine dwarves set out from the capitol with orders to found a new city deep in the foreboding forest’s heart. Of our party, two were lost in the Diadamian swamps to sickness, while a third member was captured by the witch Esme and turned into a shelf ornament.

Already Jarvid complains about the poor quality of the timber, owing to the fact that many of the trees had succumbed to base rot and termites. Our leader Harvey ignored his concerns, stating (rightly so) that a dwarf only need be concerned with that which is dug out of the earth. No one particularly likes Jarvid.

We have plenty of meat, but not much else. I have asked Henrietta to look for mushrooms and herbs during her hunting runs, a request that was met with equal parts contempt and outright hostility. I’m not sure what the lady’s problem is... perhaps she’s grown accustomed to a bland palate, but it’s no reason why the rest of us should suffer. Maybe jarvid can collect some for me?

 

[The Judge]

If I'm remembering rightly, this is going to be a kind of who-is-who puzzle book, isn't it? So the children have to work out who survives and that kind of thing? Even allowing for that, though, I wonder if the "Initially nine dwarves" paragraph is flagging that a bit too much -- it's written from the point of a quiz-master, not as someone keeping a journal.

A few nitpicks and a good many thoughts:

Year One:

We’ve arrived. After trekking through the Forest of Harrowleens for 182 days, [good lord -- how big is this forest??] our great and noble leader [strictly as written, this means only Harvey did the 182 day trekking, not the rest of the dwarves -- but I dare say the children won't worry!] - Harvey Langman – declared the site [what site? I think you need to say something like "at the base of the Hoojit Mountains" or whatever] appropriate to ‘the needs and wants [if you need to reduce word count think carefully about what you actually need to say -- this could be reduced to "appropriate for a great..."] of a great [repetition of "great" in one para -- try and find a synonym for one of them] dwarven nation,’ whatever that means. The mountains here are old, pocked with [pocked sounds vaguely unpleasant, as if the deposits aren't plentiful or very good -- "full of" "bursting with" "crammed with" perhaps -- they all sound more enthusiastic] limestone deposits and coal, [no geologist, me, but I hope these two things are usually found in conjunction] with the promise of rare metals [it would be more exciting to say "silver and gold", or "gems of the earth" or somesuch] sure to be buried deeper.

Despite a severe lack of writing resources, [unless he runs out of ink and pens later, this first sub-clause is another candidate for pruning] I’m going to keep this journal to document the founding of our new city, which we have named [:] [colon wrong] Jurnalgard.

Initially, nine dwarves set out from the capitol [do you mean the Capitol as in the seat of government, or capital as in capital city?] with orders to found a new city [nine of them to found a city?? Is that all??] deep in the foreboding [are you sure you mean foreboding? I am full of foreboding if I am anxious/apprehensive. It feels awkward used like this] forest’s heart. Of our party, two were lost in the Diadamian swamps [where did the swamps come from -- I thought they'd marched all the way through forest?] to sickness, while a third member was captured by the witch, Esme, and turned into a shelf ornament. [a bit unfeeling of him to put it like this, isn't it?]

[My suggestion:
Nine of us set out on this historic journey to locate a site for a new and wonderful city deep in the heart of the Forest, despite Harrowleen's evil reputation. Yet already we have lost three of our gallant band; two died of sickness in the Diadamian swamps, and one -- I can hardly bring myself to write this -- captured by the witch, Esme, and turned into a shelf ornament.]

Already, Jarvid complains about the poor quality of the timber, [owing to the fact that] since many of the trees have succumbed to base rot and termites. [Our leader] [not needed unless there are two Harveys in the group] Harvey ignored [tense change -- this is past compared to "complains" which is present -- make it "is ignoring" or "has so far ignored"] his concerns, stating (rightly so) that a dwarf only need be concerned [concerns/concerned repetition ungainly -- find a synonym for one] with that which ["that which" is very formal, are you sure it's in his/her writing style?] is dug out of the earth. [erm... you're telling us a dwarf isn't going to be worried about the strength of the pit props in his mines...?] No one [particularly] [stronger without] likes Jarvid.

We have plenty of meat, but not much else. I have asked Henrietta to look for mushrooms and herbs during her hunting runs, a request that was met with equal parts contempt and outright hostility. I’m not sure what the lady’s problem is... perhaps she’s grown accustomed to a bland palate, but [it’s] that is no reason why the rest of us should suffer. Maybe Jarvid can collect some for me. [?] [it isn't really a question, but a musing to him/herself]

Overall, I think I'd like a bit more excitement built in here -- eg things like my suggested "gems of the earth". This is a momentous journey, and it's written like an income tax report! This is the first page so it's more important than ever to bring something extra to the writing. Think about what is important -- do you need to witter on at length about the mushrooms etc? Even if necessary for plot purposes, does it really have to take up all of a valuable paragraph? If the narrator is the chef, then obviously he will be fixated on the food aspect, but nonetheless you need to strike a balance between what is necessary for plot/puzzle, his characteristic pre-occupations, and telling a gripping story.

I have no experience of children's books, so I may well be completely wrong about this, but I'd have thought a lot more adjectives would be in order -- that might help with the excitement aspect of it, as well. I did wonder about some of the words used, like "succumbed" as to whether they were age appropriate, but on reflection I think it's good to have a few more difficult/unfamiliar words in a passage.

You're worried you only have 250 words -- but have a look at our Writing Challenges and see the depth we can bring to our 75 word short stories by thinking carefully about word choice. If you're restricted as to space you have to make every word count. June's Challenge is just around the corner -- have a go and try and get into that mindset, and it might well help here.

Despite my sea of purple, I definitely think you're getting there. Good luck with it!



EDIT: Just thought -- did you mean forbidding forest? ie threatening

 

[Hex]

I have one tiny comment - in two parts. Maybe it's a question rather than a comment.

In the bit about the dwarf being turned into a shelf ornament (which is funny - although I agree that in your original version it read as a little heartless):

(1) What is a shelf ornament? Something decorative one puts on a shelf? Maybe this is a UK/US thing but I don't have a clear idea of what it would be, although the term is entertaining. I wondered if it would be more natural to say what sort of ornament he got turned into,

(2) since only one dwarf is turned into an ornament it might be more natural to name him. That's my question - is it a bad plan to name a character you've already disposed of and (presumably) aren't going to mention again?

 

[The Judge]

since only one dwarf is turned into an ornament it might be more natural to name him. That's my question - is it a bad plan to name a character you've already disposed of and (presumably) aren't going to mention again?

I was assuming this was part of the who-is-left-standing puzzle -- ie the children have to work out who got killed when.

It's a good question, though, Hex. If someone is important enough that we're told how he was killed, does he deserve to have a name, even if he's never seen/spoken of again? I'd say probably not, especially when word count is restricted so we don't have a great deal of room for background detail -- adding a name which is unnecessary might lead to confusion. In a longer novel, I'm not so sure. There it might be the kind of throwaway detail which helps to provide a feeling of permanence and reality, or it might confuse, depending where it is. So, er... not sure really...

 

[RJM Corbet]

The shelf ornament bit is not about the unfortunate dwarf who became one, but about the witch Esme and the fate of anyone who gets on the wrong side of her?

 

[Hex]

But are all the ornaments she makes from passing travellers the same? Does she have a whole shelf of ballerinas in pretty pink dresses? or does she make different ones?

(am I getting a bit bogged down in the detail here? I'd like a book about Esme and her decorative choices. Beats animals - I always worried about what Circe did with them all. How did they get fed?)

 

[LukeW]

Thanks for the helpful input guys. Much appreciated.

The Judge: I can see what you're saying and I agree with you regarding the whole excitement aspect. I'm really keen on getting peoples' initial impressions with this one, and if you think it's a little dull then that's definitely something that I will look at with greater depth. I have some time off today so might have another shot at rewriting this passage (depending on whether this head cold persists or not).

I've been meaning to have a crack at those 75 word short stories but have always struggled to find time to write. I think I have horrible prose and it really shows when I try to write short stories. Still, nothing beats practice.

Hex: The dwarves that die in the book are not named on purpose as it pertains to a riddle that I plan on leaving at the end of the book. In the original narrative I did mention something about dwarves not wanting to mention the names of their dead, but that part was culled.

What I am including in each year is a photo of all the dwarves that arrive and a list of names with it. Originally I was going to put all the names in the main narrative along with a short story about each one, but found that the word count ballooned out too quickly.

But are all the ornaments she makes from passing travellers the same? Does she have a whole shelf of ballerinas in pretty pink dresses? or does she make different ones?

Later in the book the dwarves get to meet Esme again. There will be an image of her, and in the background will be a shelf full of different ornaments.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

G'day

This is a follow up to the last thread that I started in the critique forum regarding a childrens’ book. Most of the artwork is done now and I can begin focussing on the narrative side.

Each double-page spread is divided up into image and text. The text remains only on the left, while the majority of the imagery is on the right.

As this book is designed for a younger audience, I have to be careful with how much each page contains. When I made the first draft it came in at 500 words, which seemed really excessive. Looking at the works of Graeme Base (whose work one could say is word-heavy), he seems to average around the 250 word mark for a similar layout to the style that I’m after (text on the left, imagery on the right) in Discovery of Dragons.

Obviously the book is going to fail if readers are put off by the amount of text.

This is my attempt at the narrative for year one (which is page one).

Originally, I was going to give a bit of room for every character, but that’s not possible with the restricted word count. Instead I’m going for easy and enjoyable to read. The names of the dwarves will be included in the imagery.

At this point I’m really after people’s initial impressions and see if there are better ways of approaching this.

Cheers

Please could you not 'quote' your pieces. When people respond by clicking on quote - your quote IE your actual extract isn't copied to the edit window.

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All just opinions

I will say that it seems a bit lacking in detail. Here we have a new town being built and more time is spent on telling us the report is going to lack detail than actual detail.

Year One:

We’ve arrived. After trekking through the Forest of Harrowleens for 182 days, our great and noble leader - Harvey Langman – declared the site appropriate to ‘the needs and wants of a great dwarven nation,’ whatever that means. The mountains here are old, pocked with limestone deposits and coal, with the promise of rare metals sure to be buried deeper.

If you are keeping the details to the building of the city (as below) why are we seeing details of the landscape.

Despite a severe lack of writing resources, I’m going to keep this journal to document the founding of our new city, which we have named: Jurnalgard.

Initially nine dwarves set out from the capitol with orders to found a new city deep in the foreboding forest’s heart. Of our party, two were lost in the Diadamian swamps to sickness, while a third member was captured by the witch Esme and turned into a shelf ornament.

(again not founding details. Plus, nine dwarfs to build a great city?
I have to say this is all a bit odd anyway. By tradition, I thought dwarfs live underground and the elves lived in the forested areas. No reason for you book not to kick the trend, but it does jar a bit that they aren't digging mines and mining mithril)

Already Jarvid complains about the poor quality of the timber, owing to the fact that many of the trees had succumbed to base rot and termites. (do termites attack 'living trees' I thought they only went for dead wood. - I could be wrong. If there are termites in the area, it would seem they picked the wrong site) Our leader Harvey ignored his concerns, stating (rightly so) that a dwarf only need be concerned with that which is dug out of the earth. No one particularly likes Jarvid. (not building detail, more like politics)

We have plenty of meat, but not much else. I have asked Henrietta to look for mushrooms and herbs during her hunting runs, a request that was met with equal parts contempt and outright hostility. I’m not sure what the lady’s problem is... perhaps she’s grown accustomed to a bland palate, but it’s no reason why the rest of us should suffer. Maybe jarvid can collect some for me? (not town building)

In fact there are no founding/building details at all. No mention of the first town hall brick. No mention of the street plans or anything else.


For me it doesn't work. The concept might, but I think you are being too ambitious/optimistic to limit yourself to 500 words per year.

This is really a prologue type thing but even so. I think you should look at the 300 word (and enter the next one) challenge, to see just how little you can get into 500 words.

Sorry to be so negative, but I hope I helped

TEiN

 

[Hex]

Hex: The dwarves that die in the book are not named on purpose as it pertains to a riddle that I plan on leaving at the end of the book. In the original narrative I did mention something about dwarves not wanting to mention the names of their dead, but that part was culled.

Later in the book the dwarves get to meet Esme again. There will be an image of her, and in the background will be a shelf full of different ornaments.

Sorry Luke, I should have read the background description of what you're doing. No names then!

And I forgot about the pictures - it'll be great to see what sort of shelf ornaments Esme likes.

 

[RJM Corbet]

... What I am including in each year is a photo of all the dwarves that arrive and a list of names with it. Originally I was going to put all the names in the main narrative along with a short story about each one, but found that the word count ballooned out too quickly.

The drawings are such an important feature in a book for young children.

Where you end up with lists of names and things, you can put them in an appendix at the end of the book, so the reader can refer to them without them cluttering your narrative?

 

[Chaoticheart]

The drawings are such an important feature in a book for young children.

Where you end up with lists of names and things, you can put them in an appendix at the end of the book, so the reader can refer to them without them cluttering your narrative?

What kind of child would read an appendix though?

 

[LukeW]

TEiN: Thanks for the critique. I've made some changes to the original text accordingly. Now, rather than these dwarves planning on founding a city, they've arrived with the intent of mining a site. The following years will make some mention of how the city developed from this site. A bit more natural I think.

Regarding the lack of details about the construction, I should mention that the right hand page on each double-page spread is basically dedicated to this. An example of this can be found here: http://www.lukewebster.net/dwarven tower/page8.jpg

This is the reason why I;ve been keen not to mention to much about the building works in the narrative. I'm more hoping to use the narrative as a way to show the dwarves' personalities and maybe come up with some small anecdotes.

Having said that. I've rewritten the narrative. I've tried to make it a bit more exciting.

"

Blistering rotfoot – we’ve arrived! It took us 182 days of wandering through the black forest of Harrowleens, getting lost and killed, before we could unload our last remaining wagon at the base of Mt. Jurnalgorn. According to historical accounts, these mountains were once the seat of a powerful civilisation, wealthy beyond means from the exquisite gems and bountiful deposits of gold that hide beneath the rocks.


If all goes to plan, our small contingent of brave settlers plan to be sleeping with rock above our heads within the next two weeks. Unfortunately, we lost most of our pickaxes fleeing from the twisted witch Esme (as well as one of our party, whom she turned into a shelf ornament), so digging will be slower than optimum.


The air here is fresh, with running rivers nearby. Jarvid complained that much of the surrounding timber was infested with base rot and termites. Our leader Harvey replied (rightly so) that no decent dwarf would be concerned with that which is not dug from the earth. Jarvid’s response was to fly into a rage and accuse us all of plotting against him. In reply, me and Jeorg snuck a Thorntail Scorpion into his sleeping sack. Jarvid hasn’t sat down for days since.


We have plenty of meat, but not much else. I have asked Henrietta to look for mushrooms and herbs during her hunting runs, a request that was met with equal parts contempt and outright hostility. I’m not sure what the lady’s problem is... perhaps she’s grown accustomed to a bland palate, but that is no reason why the rest of us should suffer. Maybe Jarvid can collect some for me.

"

 

[ctg]

Now, I checked the first page picture and I can see the narrative correlating with it in places, but in others, it's far out. And I personally think that you should try to make the narrative either reflect what you have drawn or than alter the pictures, after you have made the narrative. Especially, in the regards of the first page picture I would like to see the foot of the mountain and the forest at the background, and Henrietta carrying the basket full of mushrooms.

 

[RJM Corbet]

I think the rewrite has worked Luke, and the illustration is wonderful. If it's for children then some of the long words may be a little difficult, but then it depends on the age.

The Hobbit was originally a children's book? Or not? I'm not sure? Anyway, it appeals to all ages.

Scorpion? Ouch. No jokes. I've been stung by one, and I don't think anyone would wish to repeat that experience

 

[LukeW]

in the regards of the first page picture I would like to see the foot of the mountain and the forest at the background, and Henrietta carrying the basket full of mushrooms.

This is page two, which is the right-hand page of the first double-page spread. The reader would see this along with the above narrative: http://www.lukewebster.net/dwarven tower/page2.jpg

I'll use your idea of making Henrietta carry some mushrooms, but would add it to this page. Incidentally, the hunter in that pic you linked to is now Henrietta.

RJM: I'm aiming at around an age 12 level with the writing.

 

[carlos]

Sounds good and even better with all the suggestions that came through.
i enjoyed this [My suggestion:
Nine of us set out on this historic journey to locate a site for a new and wonderful city deep in the heart of the Forest, despite Harrowleen's evil reputation. Yet already we have lost three of our gallant band; two died of sickness in the Diadamian swamps, and one -- I can hardly bring myself to write this -- captured by the witch, Esme, and turned into a shelf ornament.]