Prologue (the last third.) 400+ words.

[Colbey Frost]

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[FONT=&quot]This is what i attached to my first thread for my "Prologue" which was cut at 1500 words. In my first post i wanted to know how the end was... how did it lead onto book because we wont get to see these characters again until about 150 pages in? And its 30 years on.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So this is the last third of my prolgue and the point is to info dump a little through dialogue mostly... but without making it feel like that... does it work?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Last third of prologue.
[/FONT]​

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[FONT=&quot]By this point, Equilibrium had stopped talking to Vulgaris and was just staring ahead; in his own little world. Still sat in the chair, Vulgaris didn’t dare move and he watched on as Equilibrium crouched over the chest locking it. He knew the basics but to be educated by a Master Liberata was a dream come true.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Equilibrium...” Vulgaris said politely, and again. “Equilibrium?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Yes Vulgaris.” Equilibrium responded, turning to meet Vulgaris with a wicked smile.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What about the Kitsune? I’ve heard tales of foxes who can shape shift; living as people? What of their God?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Kitsune are tricksters and vermin. Foxes pretending to be human... one of the first great wars was against the Kitsune and their God; Inra’Shinto. They daren’t show their faces anymore, but of course there are exceptions.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“I wish to meet one someday.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“No you don’t boy. Pray to Sta’Veysa that you don’t, for they aren’t to be trusted... Ever.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Ok I’m sorry... Can I really go to Drekka with you?”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Yes but if you speak to anyone about our private chats then I will kill you.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I won’t, I promise. When do we leave?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“We set sail to northern Drekka with the main army in two weeks. Those Drekkonians; those simple people, those savages will feel the Liberatos hand of freedom once again but I doubt they’ll notice the difference. Sometimes I believe they deserve to be enslaved. Why should we even defend them from Slavers?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Because you, and the Liberatos are good; shields of hope in times of destruction and despair.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“And where did you read that?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“...You said it yourself at church the other week.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Did I? Must be true then...”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Can I go now?”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“No, you’ll stay with me always as my squire. Your job is to meet my needs and in return I’ll show you the world and its Gods... go fetch me some food and if anyone stops my Vulgaris just tell them God sent you.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“You mean Equilibrium?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“That’s what I said, now go get my food!”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ok master.” Vulgaris said as he rushed off.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] He couldn’t believe how lucky he had been; to join Liberatos on the anti Slaver campaign. It made all those long days of servitude and boredom seem worth it now and while Equilibrium seemed much stranger in private, he was still his hero and now his master.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] To travel overseas, to free Drekkonians and if he was really lucky he might get to see a free Vaakku; the real reason why the Slavers were in Drekka. A magical race used as the perfect slaves and despite what Equilibrium had said about the Kitsune, he really did want to see a fox.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Vulgaris felt like skipping as he ran through the corridors with confidence and a smile but no one could have predicted what he would actually be doing thirty years from now... his dreams soon to be become his nightmare.[/FONT]

 

[anhalo]

lol, quite an ending. Got me curious how this will continue... The Equilibrium character is quite funny. He reminds me of a few singers/rappers...

 

[Colbey Frost]

lol, quite an ending. Got me curious how this will continue... The Equilibrium character is quite funny. He reminds me of a few singers/rappers...

Singer/rapper? Well now you just damn blew my big twist out the water!

 

[carlos]

I like it it's funny how vulgaris always says the opposite of what he apparently meant to say, it made me chuckle. I like a story with a bit of humor in it.

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This is what i attached to my first thread for my "Prologue" which was cut at 1500 words. In my first post i wanted to know how the end was... how did it lead onto book because we won't get to see these characters again until about 150 pages in? And it's 30 years on.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So this is the last third of my prologue and the point is to info dump a little, through dialogue mostly... but without making it feel like that... does it work?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Last third of prologue.
[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]By this point, Equilibrium had stopped talking to Vulgaris and was just staring ahead; in his own little world. Still sat in the chair, Vulgaris didn’t dare move and he watched on

"watched" or "looked on", not "watched on"

as Equilibrium crouched over the chest

comma

locking it. He knew the basics

comma

but to be educated by a Master Liberata was a dream come true.

“Equilibrium...” Vulgaris said politely, and again. “Equilibrium?”

“Yes

comma

Vulgaris.” Equilibrium responded, turning to meet Vulgaris with a wicked

Why "wicked"? He's not planning anything particularly unpleasant.

smile.

“What about the Kitsune? I’ve heard tales of foxes who can shape shift;

Grammatically, you have no need of this semicolon, as the following lump is not a complete sentence. I would suggest that, if a comma is not a sufficient pause, what you would tend to get is a question mark.

living as people? What of their God?”

“Kitsune are tricksters and vermin. Foxes pretending to be human... one of the first great wars was against the Kitsune and their God; Inra’Shinto. They daren’t show their faces anymore, but of course there are exceptions.”

“I wish to meet one someday.”

“No you don’t boy. Pray to Sta’Veysa that you don’t, for they aren’t to be trusted... Ever.”

“Ok

comma

I’m sorry... Can I really go to Drekka with you?”

“Yes

comma

but if you speak to anyone about our private chats then I will kill you.”

“I won’t, I promise. When do we leave?”

“We set sail to northern Drekka with the main army in two weeks. Those Drekkonians; those simple people, those savages

comma

will feel the Liberatos hand of freedom once again but I doubt they’ll notice the difference. Sometimes I believe they deserve to be enslaved. Why should we even defend them from Slavers?”

“Because you, and the Liberatos are good; shields of hope in times of destruction and despair.”

“And where did you read that?”

“...You said it yourself at church the other week.”

“Did I? Must be true then...”

“Can I go now?”

“No, you’ll stay with me always as my squire. Your job is to meet my needs and in return I’ll show you the world and its Gods... go fetch me some food and

comma

if anyone stops my Vulgaris

comma

just tell them God sent you.”

“You mean Equilibrium?”

“That’s what I said,

and here you need a semicolon (or a full stop).

now go get my food!”

“Ok master.

Direct speech attribution; comma instead of full stop.

” Vulgaris said as he rushed off.

He couldn’t believe how lucky he had been; to join

probably a "the"in there.

Liberatos on the anti Slaver campaign. It made all those long days of servitude and boredom seem worth it now and

comma

while Equilibrium seemed much stranger in private, he was still his hero and now his master.

To travel overseas, to free Drekkonians and

comma

if he was really lucky

comma

he might get to see a free Vaakku; the real reason why the Slavers were in Drekka. A magical race used as the perfect slaves and

comma

despite what Equilibrium had said about the Kitsune, he really did want to see a fox.

Vulgaris felt like skipping as he ran through the corridors with confidence and a smile but no one could have predicted what he would actually be doing thirty years from now... his dreams soon to be become his nightmare.

[/FONT]

 

[HareBrain]

My advice would be not to have the prologue, I think. It reads too clearly as a device to give information about the gods, but that information won't be remembered (or not much of it) by readers anyway, because it isn't relevant to what's happening now. Also, though there is a fair amount of it, it isn't so complex that you wouldn't be able to slip it in here and there during the main story. The fact that these characters don't appear again for another 150 pages seals it for me.