Well it has been a while, I've been at 999 posts for a few days, I know (or at least I think it is the order of the day) that I'm expected to create a post for critique on my 1000 post. so here it is. 
It started off as an idea for a screenplay (this is the opening scene), I've been leaning towards making it a graphic novel, but here it is as a plain old story. The title is only a working title. Obviously I'd like to know what you guys think, and I'm sure there are grammatical errors, the formatting is designed to make it easier to read. I hope you enjoy.
Alien Jam
On the cold, damp and dingy bridge Ludackm’s crew busied themselves behind him. He could feel their eyes on him, he felt as though he could lean back on the wall of tension directed at him. He was deep in contemplation, transfixed to the main viewer which displayed an enhanced image of a still distant planet. He studied the planet, hoping to draw some conclusions that would not be revealed to his crew through their numerous instrument panels. Sometimes, when they approached a planet, he felt like he had a kind of telepathy and that he could communicate with the planet itself; learn some of its secrets before the cold hard facts were presented.
He had taken an enormous risk and this trip had been a failure. They had travelled a long way and, as of yet, only procured a tiny percentage of their quota. He might return home ruined, with colossal debts, disowned by his family and no hope of living free. His wife would dismiss him (if she hadn’t already) the best he could hope for was that his children inherited his debt and worked to pay it off for him. He had decided, after the calamity that was Plompstop, that they take a huge (and very costly) detour in an attempt to recoup some of his losses. This was that detour right now, they were travelling ever closer to the planet that would either plunge them all into the lowest echelons of society, let them break even, or propel them into the comfortable life of a veteran.
Malkick coughed, Ludackm ignored him and the crew grew increasingly worried that the captain was ruining all of their lives. It occurred to Ludackm that the planet he was looking at was unnaturally beautiful. Maybe it was the promise of reward and his vicinity to possible redemption that colouring his thinking, polluting his thoughts and cajoling him into thinking it was more than your average life sustaining planet. He had to admit that the blue was striking and the dance of clouds across the atmosphere was hypnotic, but deep down he knew that in all likelihood this planet was no different from the others. But that in itself was a lie, there was a reason he had diverted them light years to this backwater planet, there was history here, a history of monsters.
Malkick inhaled.
“Don’t bother Malkick. The air is moist enough without a handful of your phlegm lubricating it.” The captain said. Some of the crew relaxed, others laughed inwardly, Malkick lowered his hand.
“Yes Sir.”
“It looks delicate, but it isn’t. We once believed that planets supported precariously balanced eco-systems and that if we upset the balance we could accidentally kill the planet. Imagine that, kill a planet. Sometimes we over estimate our power. There is nothing that can kill a planet. We can destroy one with enough errant energy but that would just leave a scattering of dust and debris orbiting where once a planet was. That doesn’t destroy the planet permanently only temporarily, over time gravity will reform the planet. But to actually kill a planet, no one can do that.”
Malkick knew better that to change subject when his superior officer talked about something so intangible, he had learned (over many years) that the best option was to encourage the conversation, preferably with a slightly opposing view, though never too contrary.
“What about Semphora?”
The captain flashed Malkick a wry smile and began. “Ah, Yes very good. But then Semphora was only killed in one sense, the planet still exists, no life as we know it does, but over time life will rise again on that devastated planet. It is possible that it will remain bereft of life for eons, we know that the lickto-spore count is still incredibly high, the atmosphere is still corrosive and that there are no signs of life, but I still hold to my original point, the planet isn’t dead. Life will find a way, it may be unimaginably different from what once flew there, but it will find a way, it always does.”
Ludackm looked at the small planet and thought about the menagerie. He felt powerful as he realised that ultimately everything he did was for death, he was a harbinger of death. He would seek out new life forms, but only so his people could watch them die.
“Yet Death is inevitable.” The Captain smiled to himself and then turned to his crew.
“Ok. I’ve kept you waiting long enough. What do we have?”
Malkick gathered his thoughts, he was an efficient officer and prided himself on explaining the situation clearly and concisely.
“Chatter, lots of it. Video, Audio, even binary data.”
The captain was astonished, but quickly regained his composure.
“Chatter Really? Then they have evolved.” He turned back to the view screen with a desirous look upon his maw, and spoke softly, mainly to himself.
“They have evolved into sentient creatures. I hope they haven’t lost their instincts. Sentient monsters would make this trip worth while.” The captain continued his reverie.
“What devastation has evolution plagued upon the monsters, will they talk? I hope they don’t have art. Binary data, they have machines, what machines would the mind of a monster create. Video?”
Malkick motioned to his transmissions officer to be prepared, he knew what the next order would be.
“I want the video on screen now. Let’s see what has become of our monsters.”
The screen changed, and with it the mood on the bridge went from one of hope and excitement to one of severe disappointment.
“What the hell is that? Change the image.” The captain ordered. The Image changed. Malkick motioned to the transmission officer to keep changing the picture because he knew what the Captain wanted to see. But every image showed the same tiny soft skinned biped.
“What is happening Malkick, is that all there is?”
“I’m afraid so sir, these are live news results. Everything else is dramatisation.”
“Where are my monsters?” The captain demanded.
Malkick turned his glare upon the officer responsible for picking up transmissions. But he had nothing. The officer smiled at Malkick and swapped the image. Malkick turned back to the screen, his heart fell. He saw the monsters but he could tell instantly they weren’t real.
“Please tell me you are joking, even I know that is fake. Find me my monsters. Real ones!” The captain was becoming frustrated. Malkick turned to the transmissions officer and asked him directly for a response.
“Mockpam, is that all you can find?”
Mockpam swallowed nervously and pulled himself up to his impressive height. The Captain turned and faced him directly, Mockpam wilted.
“I’m afraid so, it is all dramatisation, we have nothing real. The best we can find are some wild animals, but they aren’t in control. That is the dominant species.”
Mockpam gestured to the screen, a single image covered the screen. The captain roared in frustration, some of the junior officers shrunk into their seats, afraid to get into the captain’s sights. Ludackm approached the screen and addressed the picture.
“What are you? What have you done to my monsters? Right, everyone to their stations, prepare a full invasion, let’s capture or kill these pathetic monster killers, we need something from this disastrous trip. Malkick take over”
“Yes sir” Malkick began ordering the teams to prepare for invasion, the ground troops and the aerial support. “Loptick, take us into orbit.”
The huge intergalactic craft moved easily across the solar system, thousands of armed troops prepared themselves for the issued capture or kill command, whilst Captain Ludackm Frack stood staring at the image on the viewing screen; an image of a human.
It started off as an idea for a screenplay (this is the opening scene), I've been leaning towards making it a graphic novel, but here it is as a plain old story. The title is only a working title. Obviously I'd like to know what you guys think, and I'm sure there are grammatical errors, the formatting is designed to make it easier to read. I hope you enjoy.
Alien Jam
On the cold, damp and dingy bridge Ludackm’s crew busied themselves behind him. He could feel their eyes on him, he felt as though he could lean back on the wall of tension directed at him. He was deep in contemplation, transfixed to the main viewer which displayed an enhanced image of a still distant planet. He studied the planet, hoping to draw some conclusions that would not be revealed to his crew through their numerous instrument panels. Sometimes, when they approached a planet, he felt like he had a kind of telepathy and that he could communicate with the planet itself; learn some of its secrets before the cold hard facts were presented.
He had taken an enormous risk and this trip had been a failure. They had travelled a long way and, as of yet, only procured a tiny percentage of their quota. He might return home ruined, with colossal debts, disowned by his family and no hope of living free. His wife would dismiss him (if she hadn’t already) the best he could hope for was that his children inherited his debt and worked to pay it off for him. He had decided, after the calamity that was Plompstop, that they take a huge (and very costly) detour in an attempt to recoup some of his losses. This was that detour right now, they were travelling ever closer to the planet that would either plunge them all into the lowest echelons of society, let them break even, or propel them into the comfortable life of a veteran.
Malkick coughed, Ludackm ignored him and the crew grew increasingly worried that the captain was ruining all of their lives. It occurred to Ludackm that the planet he was looking at was unnaturally beautiful. Maybe it was the promise of reward and his vicinity to possible redemption that colouring his thinking, polluting his thoughts and cajoling him into thinking it was more than your average life sustaining planet. He had to admit that the blue was striking and the dance of clouds across the atmosphere was hypnotic, but deep down he knew that in all likelihood this planet was no different from the others. But that in itself was a lie, there was a reason he had diverted them light years to this backwater planet, there was history here, a history of monsters.
Malkick inhaled.
“Don’t bother Malkick. The air is moist enough without a handful of your phlegm lubricating it.” The captain said. Some of the crew relaxed, others laughed inwardly, Malkick lowered his hand.
“Yes Sir.”
“It looks delicate, but it isn’t. We once believed that planets supported precariously balanced eco-systems and that if we upset the balance we could accidentally kill the planet. Imagine that, kill a planet. Sometimes we over estimate our power. There is nothing that can kill a planet. We can destroy one with enough errant energy but that would just leave a scattering of dust and debris orbiting where once a planet was. That doesn’t destroy the planet permanently only temporarily, over time gravity will reform the planet. But to actually kill a planet, no one can do that.”
Malkick knew better that to change subject when his superior officer talked about something so intangible, he had learned (over many years) that the best option was to encourage the conversation, preferably with a slightly opposing view, though never too contrary.
“What about Semphora?”
The captain flashed Malkick a wry smile and began. “Ah, Yes very good. But then Semphora was only killed in one sense, the planet still exists, no life as we know it does, but over time life will rise again on that devastated planet. It is possible that it will remain bereft of life for eons, we know that the lickto-spore count is still incredibly high, the atmosphere is still corrosive and that there are no signs of life, but I still hold to my original point, the planet isn’t dead. Life will find a way, it may be unimaginably different from what once flew there, but it will find a way, it always does.”
Ludackm looked at the small planet and thought about the menagerie. He felt powerful as he realised that ultimately everything he did was for death, he was a harbinger of death. He would seek out new life forms, but only so his people could watch them die.
“Yet Death is inevitable.” The Captain smiled to himself and then turned to his crew.
“Ok. I’ve kept you waiting long enough. What do we have?”
Malkick gathered his thoughts, he was an efficient officer and prided himself on explaining the situation clearly and concisely.
“Chatter, lots of it. Video, Audio, even binary data.”
The captain was astonished, but quickly regained his composure.
“Chatter Really? Then they have evolved.” He turned back to the view screen with a desirous look upon his maw, and spoke softly, mainly to himself.
“They have evolved into sentient creatures. I hope they haven’t lost their instincts. Sentient monsters would make this trip worth while.” The captain continued his reverie.
“What devastation has evolution plagued upon the monsters, will they talk? I hope they don’t have art. Binary data, they have machines, what machines would the mind of a monster create. Video?”
Malkick motioned to his transmissions officer to be prepared, he knew what the next order would be.
“I want the video on screen now. Let’s see what has become of our monsters.”
The screen changed, and with it the mood on the bridge went from one of hope and excitement to one of severe disappointment.
“What the hell is that? Change the image.” The captain ordered. The Image changed. Malkick motioned to the transmission officer to keep changing the picture because he knew what the Captain wanted to see. But every image showed the same tiny soft skinned biped.
“What is happening Malkick, is that all there is?”
“I’m afraid so sir, these are live news results. Everything else is dramatisation.”
“Where are my monsters?” The captain demanded.
Malkick turned his glare upon the officer responsible for picking up transmissions. But he had nothing. The officer smiled at Malkick and swapped the image. Malkick turned back to the screen, his heart fell. He saw the monsters but he could tell instantly they weren’t real.
“Please tell me you are joking, even I know that is fake. Find me my monsters. Real ones!” The captain was becoming frustrated. Malkick turned to the transmissions officer and asked him directly for a response.
“Mockpam, is that all you can find?”
Mockpam swallowed nervously and pulled himself up to his impressive height. The Captain turned and faced him directly, Mockpam wilted.
“I’m afraid so, it is all dramatisation, we have nothing real. The best we can find are some wild animals, but they aren’t in control. That is the dominant species.”
Mockpam gestured to the screen, a single image covered the screen. The captain roared in frustration, some of the junior officers shrunk into their seats, afraid to get into the captain’s sights. Ludackm approached the screen and addressed the picture.
“What are you? What have you done to my monsters? Right, everyone to their stations, prepare a full invasion, let’s capture or kill these pathetic monster killers, we need something from this disastrous trip. Malkick take over”
“Yes sir” Malkick began ordering the teams to prepare for invasion, the ground troops and the aerial support. “Loptick, take us into orbit.”
The huge intergalactic craft moved easily across the solar system, thousands of armed troops prepared themselves for the issued capture or kill command, whilst Captain Ludackm Frack stood staring at the image on the viewing screen; an image of a human.
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