The Death of Eilderoess (800 words)

[RJM Corbet]

Because Erlotians would be unable to survive upon the vast majority of worlds they would ever encounter, all Erlotian atmosphere craft were equipped with a safety device -- in case they ever crashed or were forced to make an emergency landing upon another world.

This device was called the rebirth chamber.

The rebirth chamber would first select the highest life form upon the alien planet, and then select a body belonging to a member of that life form -- and in that body would the otherwise doomed occupant of the atmosphere craft be able to survive upon that world.

The rebirth chamber would select a sterile embryo or lifeless foetus -- one that would otherwise be born dead.

The stranded Erlotian would then be born by natural process upon the alien world -- to live and grow there as a member of the highest life form upon that world until, hopefully, Erlos could one day invent a new technology to rescue him.

Auldrinda and Sumadji were sitting in the front section of the atmosphere craft, watching the beautiful blue world as it came closer, making small adjustments to the controls and rapidly scanning the data being fed to them by the sensors of B’retza City, which was positioned behind the moon of the Blue World.

And now the blue that had once been Auldrinda’s madness, became his safety and his song.

It was a blue beyond any power of words to describe -- a blue that seemed to come from within -- a holy, reaching, soaring blue of infinite majesty and power. Golden sunlight reflected blinding upon white vapour of clouds. It was the living blue of a world whose continents and oceans supported a myriad, overflowing cornucopia of life that burst and spread and jostled and grew from everywhere, and from every height and every depth, in every shape and size and colour and form. It was a feast, a fountain, of life.

They were coming down to meet the atmosphere. Sumadji reached across and shook his old friend’s hand: “Congratulations.”

“Never without you,” Auldrinda replied. “ But check the cabin oxygen.”

There looks to be a lot down where we’re going,” Sumadji said.

“Just check the readings.”

Sumadji made his own check. “You're right. We’re using too much.” He stabbed at buttons, lips compressed: “There doesn’t seem to be a leak.”

They both knew that the most miniscule oxygen leak would set bells and alarms ringing all over the place. Their fascination with the Blue World was put aside for a while as they again rechecked the readings. There was no leak.

The two Erlotians came to the same conclusion at the same moment. Their eyes locked; there was somebody aboard the atmosphere craft with them.

“It’s Eilderoess.” Auldrinda knew with sudden, gut wrenching certainty.




“It could be anyone,” Sumadji reasoned. “I’ll check the storerooms.”

“No,” Auldrinda said. “It’s him.”

“Yes,” said Eilderoess: “It’s me.”

He had a gun in his hand.

“You’re crazy!” Sumadji’s voice came out as a rasp.

“And you are dead,” was Eilderoess’ response.

“That’s what I mean -- kill us, what happens to you?” Sumadji tried to reason.

“I’ll think about it later.”

While Eilderoess was speaking, and knowing there was nothing to lose, Sumadji dived at Eilderoess’ thin legs -- keeping low so that the shot went off over his own head.

He took Eilderoess down. The gun went skittering across the floor of the atmosphere craft. Auldrinda dived for the gun and snatched it up, and then he backed away slowly, keeping the gun pointed at Eilderoess.

“In here?” Eilderoess shook his head slowly. “You’ll break things.”

Sumadji yanked Eilderoess up off the floor and cuffed his hands behind his back. Though the shot had smashed an instrument panel, there appeared to be no serious damage.

“You’re coming back with us, my friend,” Sumadji said.

“Back with you?” Eilderoess wrenched his neck around to spit at Sumadji’s face, missed: “Check your guidance system.”

They were hurtling towards the atmosphere at a colossal speed that would cause them to burn up. Auldrinda sprang for the controls. He struggled to wrestle reverse thrust from the engines as they continued to plunge. Sumadji twisted Eilderoess’ arm up behind his back and marched him over to the door of the airlock, while Auldrinda hunched over the controls.

Sumadji pushed the button to open the inner door of the airlock. He thrust Eilderoess inside and pushed the button to close the door again. Sumadji looked at Auldrinda until Auldrinda had to raise his head from the controls. They kept eye contact for five full seconds and then Auldrinda nodded fiercely, once.

Sumadji pushed the button to open the outer door of the airlock.

Space rushed in and Eilderoess was drawn slowly away from the rim of the atmosphere craft, his clothes shredding as he spun dwindling away into the increasing gravity of the Blue Planet.

He was gone.

Eilderoess was dead.

 

[terryweide]

It's effective. The first few paragraphs about the rebirth chamber are well explained, and the fight with Eilderoess, including shooting him out the airlock, is certainly absorbing and I don't feel any sympathy for Eilderoess. You've done a good job in painting him as a villian. In retrospect, though, I wonder if the fight is too fast. If you slowed it slightly, it might build the tension more. Also, I'm left wondering if the blue planet is Earth. It might be more interesting if it was a planet different than our own. This is the feedback off the top of my head. A nice bit of writing here.

 

[RJM Corbet]

It's effective. The first few paragraphs about the rebirth chamber are well explained, and the fight with Eilderoess, including shooting him out the airlock, is certainly absorbing and I don't feel any sympathy for Eilderoess. You've done a good job in painting him as a villian. In retrospect, though, I wonder if the fight is too fast. If you slowed it slightly, it might build the tension more. Also, I'm left wondering if the blue planet is Earth. It might be more interesting if it was a planet different than our own. This is the feedback off the top of my head. A nice bit of writing here.

Thank you Terry, yes, it is the earth.
It's a better review than I expected.
I shuffled it last night and have cut the rebirth chamber stuff from there and moved it to a bit later in the story.
Will consider your comments carefully ...

 

[RJM Corbet]

Reworked (1100 words) ...


Auldrinda and Sumadji were sitting in the front section of the atmosphere craft watching the beautiful blue world as it came closer, making small adjustments to the controls and rapidly scanning the data being fed to them by the sensors of B’retza City, positioned behind the moon of the blue world.

And now the blue that had once been Auldrinda’s madness, became his safety and his song.

It was a blue beyond any power of words to describe -- a blue that seemed to come from within -- a holy, reaching, soaring blue of infinite majesty and power. Golden sunlight reflected blinding upon white vapour of clouds. It was the living blue of a world whose continents and oceans supported a myriad, overflowing cornucopia of life that burst and spread and jostled and grew from everywhere, and from every height and every depth, in every shape and size and colour and form. It was a feast, a fountain, of life.

They were coming down to meet the atmosphere. Sumadji reached across and shook Auldrinda’s hand: “Congratulations, my old friend.”

“Never without you,” Auldrinda replied, “ but check the oxygen.”

“There looks to be a lot down where we’re going,” Sumadji said.

“Just check the readings.”

Sumadji made his own check: “We’re using too much.” He stabbed at buttons, lips compressed. “There doesn’t seem to be a leak.”

They both knew that the most miniscule oxygen leak would set bells and alarms ringing all over the place. Their fascination with the blue world was put aside for a while as they again rechecked the readings. There was no leak.

The two Erlotians came to the same conclusion at the same moment. Their eyes locked; there was somebody else aboard the atmosphere craft with them.

“It’s Eilderoess.”

Auldrinda knew with sudden, gut wrenching certainty.

“It could be anyone,” Sumadji argued. “I’ll scan the storerooms.”

“No,” Auldrinda said. “It’s him.”

“Yes,” said Eilderoess: “It’s me.”

He had a gun in his hand.

“You’re crazy!” Sumadji’s voice came out as a rasp.

“And you are dead,” was the thin stowaway’s response.

“That’s what I mean -- kill us, what happens to you?” Sumadji tried to reason.

“I’ll think about it later.”

While Eilderoess was speaking, and knowing there was nothing to lose, Sumadji dived at Eilderoess’ legs -- keeping low so that the shot went off over his own head.

He took Eilderoess down. The gun went skittering across the floor of the atmosphere craft. Auldrinda dived for the gun and snatched it up, and then he backed away slowly, keeping the gun pointed at Eilderoess.

“In here?” Eilderoess shook his head slowly. “You’ll break things.”

Sumadji yanked Eilderoess up off the floor and cuffed his hands behind his back. Though the shot had smashed an instrument panel, there appeared to be no serious damage.

“You’re coming back with us, my friend,” Sumadji said.

“Back with you?” Eilderoess wrenched his neck around to spit at Sumadji’s face, missed: “Check your guidance system.”

They were hurtling towards the atmosphere at a colossal speed that would cause them to burn up. Auldrinda sprang for the controls. He struggled to wrestle reverse thrust from the engines as they continued to plunge. Sumadji twisted Eilderoess’ arm up behind his back and marched him over to the door of the airlock, while Auldrinda hunched over the controls.

Sumadji pushed the button to open the inner door of the airlock. He thrust Eilderoess inside and pushed the button to close the door again. Sumadji looked at Auldrinda until Auldrinda had to raise his head from the controls. They kept eye contact for five full seconds and then Auldrinda nodded fiercely, once.

Sumadji pushed the button to open the outer door of the airlock.

Space rushed in and Eilderoess was drawn slowly away from the rim of the atmosphere craft, his clothes shredding as he spun dwindling away into the increasing gravity of the Blue Planet.

He was gone.

Eilderoess was dead.




Sumadji’s eyes fixed upon those of his friend: “Maybe we can fix it?”

The realization of impending death came between them. Auldrinda’s eyes were red around the rims with exhaustion.

“No, he’s too clever, Sumadji.”

Sumadji’s mouth was dry. “I’ll get us down in one piece.”

“We’re going to burn up.” Auldrinda insisted: “We must get to the rebirth chamber. Now! Look -- it’s all shutting down: shields, navigation, power -- he’s sabotaged the mainframe.”

”Go then! I’ll be with you in a second,” Sumadji’s face was grim.

Because Erlotians would be unable to survive upon the vast majority of worlds they would ever encounter, all Erlotian atmosphere craft were equipped with a safety device -- in case they ever crashed or were forced to make an emergency landing upon another world.

This device was called the rebirth chamber.

The rebirth chamber would first select the highest life form upon the alien planet, and then select a body belonging to a member of that life form -- and in that body would the otherwise doomed occupant of the atmosphere craft be able to survive upon that world.

The rebirth chamber would select a sterile embryo or lifeless foetus -- one that would otherwise be born dead.

The stranded Erlotian would then be born by natural process upon the alien world -- to live and grow there as a member of the highest life form upon that world until, hopefully, Erlos could one day invent a new technology to rescue him.

Alarms were howling and lights were flashing red. Auldrinda went to the door of the rebirth chamber. He went to one of the cubicles and the door closed behind him.

The strange science of the Erlotian rebirth chamber was able to preserve the personality. The personality would continue to live upon an alien world, fully conscious of its Erlotian identity, while waiting for rescue to arrive.

If rescue did not arrive, death would occur when the host body died, through age or happenstance. When this happened the Erlotian personality would eventually dissolve into the soul surround of the alien planet, and the soul would be free.

Sumadji worked what was left of the flight system of the atmosphere craft with all his enormous skill as a pilot.

Hitting the upper atmosphere at the shallowest possible angle, he bounced down through it in a series of sideways steps that jolted him against his harness and bought blood from his ears and eyes. He wiped blood from his face with the back of his hand, grimly correcting overslip -- using the remaining power of the engines in spurts against the increasing density of the atmosphere, carefully judging how much power the disintegrating drives were still able to give.

He nearly made it.

 

[Hex]

There is some fantastic writing here - I loved (LOVED) the description of the blue planet - what a wonderful passage. The rebirth chamber explanation was clear as well (and now I know about the guy with the back of his head missing - clever).

For me, the appearance of the bad guy struck the first wrong note - in general it's good. Gripping, frightening, with some super dialogue, but:

“It could be anyone,” Sumadji reasoned. “I’ll check the storerooms.” [I didn't like 'reasoned' very much]

“No,” Auldrinda said. “It’s him.”

“Yes,” said Eilderoess: “It’s me.” [that was brilliant]

He had a gun in his hand.

“You’re crazy!” Sumadji’s voice came out as a rasp. [this didn't work so well for me because I didn't know why Sumadji would call him crazy - is it the gun? is it something else? something from the past? is it that he's there at all?]

“And you are dead,” was Eilderoess’ response.

“That’s what I mean -- kill us, what happens to you?” Sumadji tried to reason. [again, I didn't like 'tried to reason'. And the explanation for 'you're crazy' is here but I'm already out of the moment, wondering what you mean].

You write so well and your dialogue is so clear that I found the explanation (that Sumadji is reasoning/ trying to reason) slowed the flow and distracted me.

I'm sorry I don't have time to say more!

 

[RJM Corbet]

Thank you Hex. You will see that I had already noticed the repetition of 'reasoned', and corrected in the 2nd version -- but, yes, it's also part of the back story. Eilderoess, by this time, has completely lost it, in his obsession to destroy Auldrinda -- to the point that he no longer cares about what happens to himself. Meantime, Auldrinda has already forgotten about Eilderoess long ago ...

I really appreciate your interest. The 'blue' description is important, and therefore I'm thrilled that you liked it SO much.

Erlos has not been an overnight thing, so I am pleased that it seems to be getting there, at last. Thank you

 

[Jake Reynolds]

Hey RJM, I’ll let Chris handle any punctuation stuff. As usual, any comments I make are just an opinion, and not in any way ‘right’.

Auldrinda and Sumadji were sitting in the front section of the atmosphere craft watching the beautiful blue world as it came closer, making small adjustments to the controls and rapidly scanning the data being fed to them by the sensors of B’retza City, positioned behind the moon of the blue world.

And now the blue that had once been Auldrinda’s madness, became his safety and his song.

Not sure if I like this sentence. If the comma is removed it is still a bit onerous, needing to be read a few times to ‘get it’. Maybe something like “Once part of Auldrinda’s madness, the blue had become his safety and his song”.

It was a blue beyond any power of words to describe -- a blue that seemed to come from within -- a holy, reaching, soaring blue of infinite majesty and power. Golden sunlight reflected blinding upon white vapour of clouds. It was the living blue of a world whose continents and oceans supported a myriad, overflowing cornucopia of life that burst and spread and jostled and grew from everywhere, and from every height and every depth, in every shape and size and colour and form. It was a feast, a fountain, of life.

I think ‘blue’ is used a bit too often given the punctuation. You also say it is beyond any power of words to describe, and then go on to use words to describe it. If you’re going for repetition, maybe replace the “- -“ with commas, so you end up with an unbroken sentence, which makes the repetition more effective. Also, not sure how a blue comes from within, and you can’t have “a myriad”.

They were coming down to meet the atmosphere. Sumadji reached across and shook Auldrinda’s hand: “Congratulations, my old friend.”

“Never without you,” Auldrinda replied, “ but check the oxygen.”

I think the dialogue needs to be foreshadowed a bit better, such as “…Auldrinda replied, his eyes going to a flashing light on the panel. He frowned as he tapped the console. “Something’s up with the oxygen.”

“There looks to be a lot down where we’re going,” Sumadji said.

“Just check the readings.”

Sumadji made his own check: “We’re using too much.” He stabbed at buttons, lips compressed. “There doesn’t seem to be a leak.”

Slight reorder here might be effective: Sumadji stabbed at buttons, lips compressed. “We’re using too much.” More buttons. “There doesn’t seem to be a leak though.”
Also, I’d have thought they would notice a third of their oxygen being depleted before now. On a long journey, they may not even have had enough to make it with a 50% rise in requirements. Food too, presumably.

They both knew that the most miniscule oxygen leak would set bells and alarms ringing all over the place. Their fascination with the blue world was put aside for a while as they again rechecked the readings. There was no leak.

I’d delete this paragraph.

The two Erlotians came to the same conclusion at the same moment. Their eyes locked; there was somebody else aboard the atmosphere craft with them.

“It’s Eilderoess.”
Auldrinda knew with sudden, gut wrenching certainty.

Maybe switch these two lines and merge, so you end up with: Auldrinda knew with sudden, gut wrenching certainty. “It’s Eilderoess.”

“It could be anyone,” Sumadji argued. “I’ll scan the storerooms.”

“No,” Auldrinda said. “It’s him.”

“Yes,” said Eilderoess: “It’s me.”

He had a gun in his hand.


This needs to be explained better. Where has he come from? How did he suddenly enter the cockpit without any kind of noise?

“You’re crazy!” Sumadji’s voice came out as a rasp.

Just used “Sumadji rasped”.

“And you are dead,” was the thin stowaway’s response.

“That’s what I mean -- kill us, what happens to you?” Sumadji tried to reason.

“I’ll think about it later.”

While Eilderoess was speaking, and knowing there was nothing to lose, Sumadji dived at Eilderoess’ legs -- keeping low so that the shot went off over his own head.

Couple of things here. Would they be strapped in, given that they’re on approach? This might make a sudden lunge impossible. Also, if the shot goes high, presumably it will stand a good chance of hitting the console or the ‘windshield’. Would he even risk such a thing? I'd have thought they'd be better off, if strapped in, to open the airlock from where they are.

He took Eilderoess down. The gun went skittering across the floor of the atmosphere craft. Auldrinda dived for the gun and snatched it up, and then he backed away slowly, keeping the gun pointed at Eilderoess.

“In here?” Eilderoess shook his head slowly. “You’ll break things.”

Sumadji yanked Eilderoess up off the floor and cuffed his hands behind his back. Though the shot had smashed an instrument panel, there appeared to be no serious damage.

Again, not sure if any spacecraft would have superfluous instruments. Unless he had the good fortune of hitting the washing machine controls, they’re in serious trouble given that they’re on approach regardless of what he has hit.

“You’re coming back with us, my friend,” Sumadji said.

“Back with you?” Eilderoess wrenched his neck around to spit at Sumadji’s face, missed: “Check your guidance system.”

They were hurtling towards the atmosphere at a colossal speed that would cause them to burn up. Auldrinda sprang for the controls. He struggled to wrestle reverse thrust from the engines as they continued to plunge. Sumadji twisted Eilderoess’ arm up behind his back and marched him over to the door of the airlock, while Auldrinda hunched over the controls.

Sumadji pushed the button to open the inner door of the airlock. He thrust Eilderoess inside and pushed the button to close the door again. Sumadji looked at Auldrinda until Auldrinda had to raise his head from the controls. They kept eye contact for five full seconds and then Auldrinda nodded fiercely, once.

Why would Sumadji say he was coming back with them, and immediately throw him out of the airlock? Also, surely it would be more time effective to shoot him int he head rather than waste time hustling him into the airlock?

Sumadji pushed the button to open the outer door of the airlock.

Space rushed in and Eilderoess was drawn slowly away from the rim of the atmosphere craft, his clothes shredding as he spun dwindling away into the increasing gravity of the Blue Planet.

He was gone.

Eilderoess was dead.

I may be wrong here, but space doesn’t rush in. What’s in rushes out.


Sumadji’s eyes fixed upon those of his friend: “Maybe we can fix it?”

The realization of impending death came between them. Auldrinda’s eyes were red around the rims with exhaustion.

“No, he’s too clever, Sumadji.”

Sumadji’s mouth was dry. “I’ll get us down in one piece.”

“We’re going to burn up.” Auldrinda insisted: “We must get to the rebirth chamber. Now! Look -- it’s all shutting down: shields, navigation, power -- he’s sabotaged the mainframe.”

”Go then! I’ll be with you in a second,” Sumadji’s face was grim.

Because Erlotians would be unable to survive upon the vast majority of worlds they would ever encounter, all Erlotian atmosphere craft were equipped with a safety device -- in case they ever crashed or were forced to make an emergency landing upon another world.

This device was called the rebirth chamber.

The rebirth chamber would first select the highest life form upon the alien planet, and then select a body belonging to a member of that life form -- and in that body would the otherwise doomed occupant of the atmosphere craft be able to survive upon that world.

The rebirth chamber would select a sterile embryo or lifeless foetus -- one that would otherwise be born dead.

The stranded Erlotian would then be born by natural process upon the alien world -- to live and grow there as a member of the highest life form upon that world until, hopefully, Erlos could one day invent a new technology to rescue him.

Alarms were howling and lights were flashing red. Auldrinda went to the door of the rebirth chamber. He went to one of the cubicles and the door closed behind him.

The strange science of the Erlotian rebirth chamber was able to preserve the personality. The personality would continue to live upon an alien world, fully conscious of its Erlotian identity, while waiting for rescue to arrive.

If rescue did not arrive, death would occur when the host body died, through age or happenstance. When this happened the Erlotian personality would eventually dissolve into the soul surround of the alien planet, and the soul would be free.

Is personality soul? Not sure if this works philosophically. Also, are they born knowing what happened to them? If they’re fully conscious of their Erlotian identity, do they not need to wait through years of infancy? Perhaps the rebirth chamber might be better off being a cloning machine that takes a sample of their dna and then ejects to the nearest planet, effectively cloning them? I just don’t get the whole thing at all, I’m sorry. Presumably it is built to withstand impact, but then how does it get embryos, or for that matter know that otherwise they’d be born dead? Machine’s don’t just ‘know’ things. There is just too much grey area here. Does it impregnate locals? Why do the Erlotians possess the tech to do such things, yet not the tech to rescue a stranded citizen? Just too many questions for me, I’m afraid.

Sumadji worked what was left of the flight system of the atmosphere craft with all his enormous skill as a pilot.

Hitting the upper atmosphere at the shallowest possible angle, he bounced down through it in a series of sideways steps that jolted him against his harness and bought blood from his ears and eyes. He wiped blood from his face with the back of his hand, grimly correcting overslip -- using the remaining power of the engines in spurts against the increasing density of the atmosphere, carefully judging how much power the disintegrating drives were still able to give.

He nearly made it.


Okay, so I’m sorry if that seemed a bit brutal, and I think there are some solid ideas here. However, I think at times it’s like the scene takes over. What I mean by that is that certain logistical issues are ignored in favour of a compelling scene, which writers should always try to avoid. When I do it myself (often), I call it ‘going Hollywood’.

Case in point; surely Eilderoess would lock himself into a re-birthing chamber and disable the other one rather than needlessly challenge them seconds before his sabotage plan sprang into effect? Being crazy isn’t reason enough. Though you mentioned in the response above that he only cares for killing Auldrinda, surely he would simply shoot the console to pieces immediately? Self preservation is an intrinsic, unconscious thing, whether crazy or not.

There are some good, solid ideas there, I just think they need some more fine tuning.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Thank you very much Dubrech, your input is valuable, I was wondering a bit about the smashed panel -- I mean, a shot inside a spacecraft? Just lucky, I guess.

They were just making a short hop down from the 'mothership' -- the fulfillment of a life-long dream, so they didn't need food and stuff, ok?

The straps -- yes, good point. But one's not explaining every single movement -- just the essential action?

Eilderoess by now, is quite insane. He had already sabotaged the atmosphere craft before making his appearance OR -- wait -- yes, perhaps the shot did the damage? That would make sense? Yes, I'll do it that way. Thanks.

The personality, I think, is not the soul?

 

[Jake Reynolds]

[QUOTE]They were just making a short hop down from the 'mothership' -- the fulfillment of a life-long dream, so they didn't need food and stuff, ok?[/QUOTE]
Fair enough, but in that case I'm not sure what story will be given that Auldrinda can be rescued immediately?

The straps -- yes, good point. But one's not explaining every single movement -- just the essential action?

True, but despite only focussing on the action I'd have thought Eilderoess might react to one of them unbuckling their harness...maybe just a sentence and some 'hold it right there' dialogue addressing it.

Eilderoess by now, is quite insane.

One thing to be careful with in terms of insanity is that nobody ever thinks they're insane, and nobody is ever simply ‘insane’. Being classified as such does not make a character simpler, but infinitely more complex. As I mentioned in my post, explaining away plot irregularities because someone is simply 'insane' can be dangerous. Just something to mind

The personality, I think, is not the soul?

I just highlighted this because you said that the “…rebirth chamber was able to preserve the personality” and then “…the Erlotian personality would eventually dissolve into the soul surround of the alien planet, and the soul would be free”.

If I misinterpreted, sorry. Anyways, like I said, these are just little thoughts that occurred to me while I was reading it. No doubt you know a hell of a lot more about your story than I do! I really liked your Jalc the Falcon one, but this one seems a little rushed.

 

[TacticalLoco]

Gripping and engaging all the way. Most of the text is very flowing and exciting.
I wonder if changing the word 'madness' to 'obsession; might make it clearer and cleaner. Just a thought.

I'd also beware of overing adjectives like 'that'. It was jarring to see it repeated in the same sentence. Example below.

As far as the weapon shot not breaking things, I would not worry.
It seems to me that any vital systems would have redundancy AND backup.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Gripping and engaging all the way. Most of the text is very flowing and exciting.
I wonder if changing the word 'madness' to 'obsession; might make it clearer and cleaner. Just a thought.

I'd also beware of overing adjectives like 'that'. It was jarring to see it repeated in the same sentence. Example below.

As far as the weapon shot not breaking things, I would not worry.
It seems to me that any vital systems would have redundancy AND backup.

Thank you. Will attend ...

 

[PublicityPixie]

I disagree on the statement that the excerpt would be more interesting if it were about a planet other than our own. Science fiction is often as much about using alien concepts to view familiar subjects. A non-human struggle against a human backdrop has plenty of potential (so long as it doesn't fall into over-used 'alien bark at dog trying to talk to it' 'alien enraptured by mars bar wrapper' 'alien makes human lead explain the point of snogging' tropes) without needing the transplant the story into another foreign world.

 

[RJM Corbet]

I disagree on the statement that the excerpt would be more interesting if it were about a planet other than our own. Science fiction is often as much about using alien concepts to view familiar subjects. A non-human struggle against a human backdrop has plenty of potential (so long as it doesn't fall into over-used 'alien bark at dog trying to talk to it' 'alien enraptured by mars bar wrapper' 'alien makes human lead explain the point of snogging' tropes) without needing the transplant the story into another foreign world.

Thank You. Yes, it's like a Roswell incident. If someone believed in Roswell, it could even be THE Roswell incident ...

 

[mithril]

Hi

I know I'm chiming in a little late.

My thoughts as a reader :

The reworked excerpt definitely read better than the first one. I do not know enough about spacecraft battles and such like and that may be the reason that I have no quibbles about those scenes. I enjoyed the writing very much.

However, some things I was wondering about...

He took Eilderoess down. The gun went skittering across the floor of the atmosphere craft. Auldrinda dived for the gun and snatched it up, and then he backed away slowly, keeping the gun pointed at Eilderoess.

“In here?” Eilderoess shook his head slowly. “You’ll break things.”

Sumadji yanked Eilderoess up off the floor and cuffed his hands behind his back. Though the shot had smashed an instrument panel, there appeared to be no serious damage.
.
.
.
Sumadji pushed the button to open the inner door of the airlock. He thrust Eilderoess inside and pushed the button to close the door again. Sumadji looked at Auldrinda until Auldrinda had to raise his head from the controls. They kept eye contact for five full seconds and then Auldrinda nodded fiercely, once.

Sumadji pushed the button to open the outer door of the airlock.

Would the threat of a gun be enough for someone as insane as Eilderoess is to not struggle/try to do more damage? Especially since he knows he might very well be spaced? And also since he knows that Sumadji and Auldrinda would not risk damaging their craft by a gunshot?

Also since they space Eilderoess after about 5 seconds of thought, I was wondering if Eilderoess is known to be insane, maybe with an 'is insane and dangerous, shoot to kill' type of order on his head? Or is it a case of 'we are unlikely to survive anyway, and he has caused enough problems, let's end it once and for all'? Sorry to be quibbling about this but since I've no idea of the background between Eilderoess and Auldrinda, I started wondering about these things.

Secondly, I found myself in partial agreement with Dubrech about the rebirth chamber. Though the idea was intriguing, I found myself wondering if the chamber will try to find a pregnant female of the highest lifeform of the planet, such that the fetus in question would not be born alive? If yes how would a mere personality transfer take care of the problems that would have caused the fetus to die? I might have misunderstood but to me it sounds somewhat confusing.

Maybe the exact mechanics of the rebirth chamber could be postponed to where one of either Auldrinda or Sumadji has a successful personality transfer to a newly born child?

Hope that was helpful.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Thank you Mithril.

Eilderoess has caused a lot of trouble. It's near the end of the book. He's not at all clear in his own mind what he's trying to achieve, he's tipped over from obsession to insanity, by now. The whole 'fight' takes place in about two seconds?

I don't understand much about how the rebirth chamber really works. It's 'alien' technology. It seems to choose an embryo that would otherwise be born dead, in the sense that life is what animates the form?

Thanks again