The Darkening of Aphasto Drathis pt 3

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Jake Reynolds

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Sorry for being cheeky with my posts! Very short end here.

He became aware that he was on his knees again, but thought it fitting. His tattered clothing was gone, and in its place he wore a long, sleeveless black coat that had a high, stiff collar, melded together all the way to his feet, and he marvelled at the texture of it. It seemed to be made of woven steel, as if his skin was suddenly armour. On his forearms were polished vambraces, their black metallic sheen reflecting the candles at the ends of the cross, and around each bicep was a band of the same black metal, like liquid given form by man’s evil. They too felt as if they were somehow part of him, and he looked to the Master for guidance as he had always done, as he would always do.

‘You are forged, Aphasto,’ Kareshi said solemnly. ‘No mortal blade may pierce the darkness that now surrounds you, just as no mortal needs and wants shall pierce your faith in me or your faith in the Ruin. Arise , my servant, and leave upon the floor the petty barbs and wants of man that have plagued you, the scornful looks and the poisoned words. This, my servant, is the last day that Aphasto Drathis shall ever kneel.’

Dusk darkens the pathetic Shaboleth.

Built from the broken backs of whipped slaves, poisonous Shaboleth, bulging cyst of the Assymian Dominion, was home to ineffective philosophers, indulgent craftsmen, greedy merchants, diseased concubines and one Aphasto Drathis, once a skinny little man who had watched the first rays of Sahamdra’s sun hit the pearly stone of the city at dawn.

He stood in the little garden on the roof of his little house and scowled as he watched them scurry, watched them try to wring more profit from the day’s misery. He dared to think that the night chose him alone as the moons shone onto him.

With a pulse of his will and the great hum of their hunger his army obscured the stars like ink, their lustful stings directed by his desire, and on the ground the pink tails of his footmen whipped as they swarmed into the streets.

He knew he was destined for greatness.
 
I liked it better as it went on. Its feel ended up reminding me a bit of some of Howard's Conan stories.

I also liked the Dawn/Dusk (whoever she is) framing device -- and maybe you can keep the present tense after all. But I'm still not sure enough happens. The whole story -- and it isn't that short -- seems to be a frame for an illustration of your world's religious beliefs. I still want a bit more plot. A question I raised in another critique, why today? His master seems to have turned up only on a whim. Is there any significance to the number of deaths? Did I miss it?

There is also the question of the character arc. The story is basically: Aphasto, having worked hard, is offered what he wants and takes it. No internal conflict, no real decision, but the story is plenty long enough to include those things.

As for your cheek in posting these excerpts so close together, I fear the details of the story will only have given the moderators ideas …:)
 
Ahem.

Cheek isn't in it. And if it wasn't for the fact I can't bear the sight of blood, I might start stripping a bit of flesh off some people myself.

I'm feeling lenient tonight. Next time threads will disappear into the darkness behind the Veil and Worse Things Will Happen.
 
At great personal risk of also disappearing behind the Veil, I thought I'd comment on the story as a whole. Similar to HareBrain's point, I feel there's a whole lot of background for a story of this size. The ratio of what happened before to what's happening now is quite large. Otherwise, it's well-written but I think the story needs to move a bit more.
 
(I'm going to whisper this in case TJ comes back and sees it... I'm going to whisper it very quietly indeed)

His tattered clothing was gone, and in its place he wore a long, sleeveless black coat that had a high, stiff collar, [so far so good, I can visualise the coat] melded together all the way to his feet [now I'm confused - the collar is melded together or the coat?], and he marvelled at the texture of it. It seemed to be made of woven steel, as if his skin was suddenly armour. [Confusion all the way here - sorry - his skin or the coat is armour?]

Dusk darkens the pathetic Shaboleth.

[Oh I really like this end bit. It says so much about what he's given up]

Built from the broken backs of whipped slaves, poisonous Shaboleth, bulging cyst of the Assymian Dominion, was home to ineffective philosophers, indulgent craftsmen, greedy merchants, diseased concubines and one Aphasto Drathis, once a skinny little man who had watched the first rays of Sahamdra’s sun hit the pearly stone of the city at dawn.

He stood in the little garden on the roof of his little house and scowled as he watched them scurry, watched them try to wring more profit from the day’s misery. He dared to think that the night chose him alone as the moons shone onto him. ["dared to think" seems a bit tentative for him now]

With a pulse of his will and the great hum of their hunger his army obscured the stars like ink, their lustful stings directed by his desire, and on the ground the pink tails of his footmen whipped as they swarmed into the streets. [not 100% sure about army vs footmen. Loved the images though]

He knew he was destined for greatness.

I liked the set up of the harmless little man who's actually not remotely harmless. I got distracted by the stuff about Kareshi, because I don't especially care about the darkness of his skin etc in the earlier bit (and you deal with it beautifully in the second bit). I know nothing about the structure of short stories so I can't comment. But I found this one pretty shocking and that was due- I think - to the time you spent at the start with the little details of an apparently harmless life.
 
Hey folks, thanks to all for the comments, much appreciated as ever. The goal was to take pains at the start to portray a harmless existance, which is why I focussed on little details and so on. I admit, having read it, as RJM said it is very front loaded on exposition, so agree that I need to fix that. I may simply cut elements out of it, not sure. I'm reluctant to jump to the torture elements too soon because it takes that shock factor out of who Drathis actually is, and may mean that the reflection on how he came to be there is actually more of a drag because people want to get back to what's happening. Not sure how to fix it, but it'll come to me.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time.
 
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