sentence Punctuation: Help

[The Bloated One]

Hi everyone,

Just a quickie. getting hung up with the following sentences punctuation. Are semi-colons correct or should it simply be sectioned with commas?

This sophisticated, intelligent man became a ‘Provider’; a beast; a bete noire for humans and Vampyres.

TBO

 

[The Judge]

I don't think the semi-colons are right, no. Commas would be OK, but personally, I'd go for the drama of full stops.

And while we wait for other opinions, I'll move this to GWD as it isn't really a workshoppy matter.

 

[Hex]

I'm not sure I completely understand the sentence (which inevitably means my suggestions aren't going to be very helpful).

Is the second bit ("...a beast; a bete noir for humans and Vampyres.") an extension/ explanation of the term 'Provider'? If so, how about a colon?

This sophisticated, intelligent man became a ‘Provider’: a beast, a bete noire for humans and Vampyres.

As far as I know, semi-colons are most useful in lists when the things you're listing have commas in. Sort of:

This sophisticated and intelligent man became a 'Provider': sacrificing the young, the beautiful to the demonic appetites of the Vampyre; caring nothing for innocence, purity or hairstyle; living only for another's lust for blood.

Although I might have made that up. And indeed the University of Bristol has a better example of the use of the semi-colon in lists:

"In the meeting today we have Professor Wilson, University of Barnsley; Dr Watson, University of Barrow in Furness; Colonel Custard, Metropolitan Police and Dr Mable Syrup, Genius General, University of Otago, New Zealand."

http://www.bristol.ac.uk/arts/exercises/grammar/grammar_tutorial/page_05.htm

 

[The Bloated One]

Hex,

Thanks, looks good to me.

TBO

 

[Culhwch]

I wouldn't use a colon in this instance, nor a semi-colon. I'd lean more towards TJ's suggestion of commas, or even full stops, but I think the full stops may be a little too much. If I wrote this, I'd likely use a dash:

This sophisticated, intelligent man became a ‘Provider’ - a beast, a bete noire for humans and Vampyres.