Short story introduction (350 words)

[Hex]

Hi critiquers,

This is the start of a short story (I hope). Any comments welcome but I'd especially value feedback on the flow (if that's the word I want) -- are there sticky bits or disjucturey bits?

I'm not sure you're really the target audience for this, although it does get sff-y later, because it's (sort of) aiming at the style of YA romance. It may have missed by a million miles, of course, but that was the tone I was going for.

Anyway. Enough babbling.

_________


I met my husband when he broke my flatmate's leg.

I bet you're expecting a story about an accident. A wobbling bicycle, perhaps, on a poorly lit country lane, the car coming around a corner too quickly: consternation, horror, anxious apologies. Later, tea and scones on the lawn. La di dah. Happily ever after.

I know. With the freckles and the blue eyes I look as if my life takes place in some rural idyll peopled by men with floppy hair, and women in pale dresses.

It doesn't. Sorry to disappoint you.



The man I'd marry kicked in the door of our flat and prowled into the kitchen. Richard hadn't even got up from the table when the baseball bat prodded him in the chest.

"Been six months, Dickie-bird," the intruder said, mock-regretful. "Can't let it go any longer."

"Chris... please, no..."

Chris swung the bat. There was a horrible crack and Richard started screaming. Then Chris turned and looked at me. It was like being pinned to the wall. A million stupid thoughts ran through my head. I didn't know anyone had eyes that colour... ********* when can I phone the police?... why the hell did I wear red today? What a ****** day to have chosen look-at-me clothes.

"You with him?" He nodded at Richard, who was clutching his leg and screaming.

"No." I said, cold with terror, waiting for him to leave before I called an ambulance, and my mum.

"Good. Can I take you out?"

"Oh. I'm sorry. I --" The polite lie wouldn't come. I was frozen by his thundercloud eyes, his seriousness, the baseball bat.

"Tonight," he said. "Pick you up at seven." He waited politely as if we were the only people in the room, as if Richard wasn’t yelling himself hoarse a couple of feet away.

I was a nice girl. I had a nice life. I'd never met anyone like him. He made my insides go shivery and liquid. Perhaps that explains it. Something must.

"That would be lovely, thank you," I said.

I stopped being a nice girl, I reckon, sometime around then.

 

[ctg]

I met my husband when he broke my flatmate's leg.

I bet you're expecting a story about an accident. A wobbling bicycle, perhaps, on a poorly lit country lane, the car coming around a corner too quickly: consternation, horror, anxious apologies. Later, tea and scones on the lawn. La di dah. Happily ever after.

It doesn't flow. So consider rewording the beginning of the second paragraph to really connect these two bits together. With a flow everything needs to be connected together so that the readers doesn't stop to wonder between the images.

I know. With the freckles and the blue eyes I look as if my life takes place in some rural idyll peopled by men with floppy hair, and women in pale dresses.

It doesn't. Sorry to disappoint you.

The man I'd marry kicked in the door of our flat and prowled into the kitchen. Richard hadn't even got up from the table when the baseball bat prodded him in the chest.

"Been six months, Dickie-bird," the intruder said, mock-regretful. "Can't let it go any longer."

"Chris... please, no..."

The man and the intruder are not right. You are talking about your husband and you already introduced him at the beginning of the chapter. So keep that in your mind and alter the scene so that we can use the same image and not wonder WTF is going on?

You are telling this to another person, not to a whole audience. Or that is what your style says.

Chris swung the bat. There was a horrible crack and Richard started screaming. Then Chris turned and looked at me. It was like being pinned to the wall. A million stupid thoughts ran through my head.

I didn't know anyone had eyes that colour... ********* when can I phone the police?... why the hell did I wear red today? What a ****** day to have chosen look-at-me clothes.

"You with him?" He nodded at Richard, who was clutching his leg and screaming.

"No." I said, cold with terror, waiting for him to leave before I called an ambulance, and my mum.

"Good. Can I take you out?"

"Oh. I'm sorry. I --" The polite lie wouldn't come. I was frozen by his thundercloud eyes, his seriousness, the baseball bat.

"Tonight," he said. "Pick you up at seven."

Break there.

Note it flows well.

He waited politely as if we were the only people in the room, as if Richard wasn’t yelling himself hoarse a couple of feet away.

I was a nice girl. I had a nice life. I'd never met anyone like him. He made my insides go shivery and liquid. Perhaps that explains it. Something must.

"That would be lovely, thank you," I said.

I stopped being a nice girl, I reckon, sometime around then.

On second paragraph your head ventures elsewhere. So think about it as it's breaking the flow.

 

[Mouse]

Hex, it does flow. Sorry to disagree with ctg. It's very good.

But as soon as she says 'I bet you're expecting a story about an accident' I knew her husband had broken matey's legs purposely. But that doesn't matter, cos you want to know why.

Only one bit I can see: "No." I said should be a comma, not a full stop. Besides that, good stuff!

(Oh, and does he break Richard's legs while he's still sitting?)

 

[The Judge]

Well, I had no problems with the flow. I did however, have real problems with the subject matter. When I practised I acted for women who were subjected to domestic abuse from men who were exactly this kind of thug. One of my clients was killed by her abusive husband. I hate, loathe and despise this kind of man, and the thought of a story -- a YA story -- which seems to be lauding him and his animal magnetism doesn't simply upset me greatly, it sickens and enrages me.

OK, rant over.

The only (other) problems I had with it:
1) the tense usage in "The man I'd marry" -- there's no easy way out of that, but I'd suggest something like "The man I married/would marry six weeks later". I tried alternatives like "The man I was to marry" and "The man I would eventually marry" but none of them is quite right.
2) "No." I said, cold with terror -- comma after "No," as you well know.
3) "and my mum" -- I'd make this a separate sentence for dramatic effect.


EDIT: Mouse sneaked in ahead of me while I was ranting, so apologies for repetition

 

[Hex]

Blah. You're right, of course. The story sort of happened and I didn't think the domestic violence implications through.

Also, though, I wanted the story to be the about how she got out of the relationship -- or came to terms with the fact that he wasn't a good guy and he wasn't any good for her (he doesn't ever hit her and he's just about to do something stupid to annoy the guy he works for and get her involved in the main bit of the story in order to save his life...).

Like I said, the tone I was aiming for was YA romance, which seems to me to be full of this sort of dangerous-man kind of guy. Vampires and werewolves and I'm reading one just now where Death (I think) falls in love with the girl. They're not 'real' I suppose, which is the difference. I just finished one about gangsters and magic working with a strong romance thing going on too.

Anyway, I'll stop pleading and go and read the othercomments :|

 

[alchemist]

I quite liked it, but can't see it being YA material either. It felt quite Mouse-y (now an official adjective) with it's jaunty tone on a weighty matter. I thought it flowed okay and was an easy read.

Re: The man I'd marry. How about "My future husband"?

Re: TJ's other issues. I was presuming there was more to this than met the eye. Is Richard the evildoer and Chris acting in justifiable vengeance? Even if not, and he's a psychopath, the "right" message may be portrayed if he ends up coming to a sticky end i.e. evildoers get their just desserts. Even the protagonist who "stopped being a nice girl" may get her just desserts.

These are fine lines, between glamourising and demonising violence, and they're probably more suited to adult stories, rather than YA where the readership may have trouble telling the difference (sorry, Y people, if I've insulted you).

Edit: saw your reply, Hex. The difference between yours and YA-romance "dangerous men", I think, is that in e.g. Twilight, the man is not actually as dangerous as he's perceived. They often find a sensitive side below a shell of hardness.

 

[slack]

I thought the scene was actually kind of humorous -- the absurdity and the contrast between the guy screaming in pain, and the other guy asking for a date. Kind of reminded me of Pulp Fiction.

I loathe self-aware writing, though. So the second sentence, "I bet you're ... " brought me out of the story slightly. I'm only expecting what you've set up for me, so that line left me feeling like you're playing tricks. I didn't like that.

I think this scene needs more. Delay the hit. More body language, more dialogue, more description. Is this guy at the table having breakfast? I want to see his glass of OJ fall on the floor after the hit, I want to see spilled milk from his bowl of cold cereal on the table surface. Since this scene is narrated in the past, I think you can get away with inserting some details. Make them sharp, though, and if possible use stuff that works double-duty -- implied meanings, etc.

Pretty good, though. The narrator's voice has a slight edge that I like. I just think this needs to be fleshed out more.

 

[Abernovo]

This isn't going to be much of a critique because I thought this was really well written. I have my concerns though, similar to The Judge. I've known this sort of person. So, a big issue for me is WHY does she fall for him, whilst witnessing him committing violence. Fantasy monsters aside, violence is not sexy. It's terrifying, sometimes even more so after the fact. I'd need to see a reason for her wanting to see more of this man. (Sorry for the rant)


The issues in the text have for the most part already been flagged up.

The man I'd marry kicked in the door of our flat and prowled into the kitchen

That's the only sentence that caused me concern in a literary sense. Have you tried:

No, he kicked in the door of our flat...

After all, we already know it's the man the narrator is going to marry. I don't know if that works for you, so ignore it if it doesn't.

The only other thing is the word 'prowled'. Maybe me but it always suggests a slinking cat type of movement, which seems incongruous (to me) with kicking a door in. Burst, stormed, strode?

Hope this helps.

 

[Hex]

Thanks. I was seeing the audience as (female and) adult, but the tone as YA, if that makes sense -- maybe the Mousey jokey thing?

Do you think this kind of character can ever be acceptable (in a story, not in themselves) or is it just too far, irrespective of what happens to him and what the 'moral' turns out to be? Is it that she finds him attractive? I'm not saying he is, obviously. Perhaps this would be clearer in 3rd person...?

alchemist -- the vegetarian vampires in Twilight are pretty wet, but there's the whole thing where Edward bruises and injures whatever-her-name-is (Belle?) in the throes of passion and is horrified by what he's done but keeps doing it. I wonder, too, about other vampire stuff, like Buffy or The Morganville Vampire series, where some of the sexy guys are also thoroughly evil and unhinged.

Would this story be better -- less horrible -- if the bad guy was a vampire who walked into the house and broke Richard's leg by throwing him across the room with his Super Strength? It would be less real, then, less recognisably part of life.

I'm wondering about the lines and how they're influenced by things being real vs not-real, not trying to be awkward

Thank you for the other comments, everyone -- they're all very helpful as always.

slack -- I like those ideas (although I'll probably end up writing an epic if I allow myself to dally with orange juice)

 

[Abernovo]

This kind of person exists in real life, so he is totally acceptable as a character in a story. And, there are people who fall for people like him, plenty in fact.

I just need to be told why the narrator finds him attractive. In my limited experience, many violent people hide it under a veneer, and it only becomes fully apparent after their partner falls for them. Even if there was an element of danger about them before, that's just 'bad boy' attitude, or so they think. Few people fall for someone whilst they're committing premeditated assault. Is this Paranormal Romance?

As to audience, I know I'm a guy, but I have kind of 'girly' tastes, or so I'm told (repeatedly ). Now I just read what I like.

 

[HareBrain]

I had no problems with flow -- I found it very readable -- but like others I have problems with credibility. The conversation they have doesn't really sound, to me, as though Richard is shouting himself hoarse only a few feet away. (Though in reality, isn't he more likely to be in shock?) If you're going for dark humour, it might be more funny if they have to ask each other to repeat what they've just said.

The other (rather large) thing is that unless we have reason to believe there might be some supernatural or powerful psychological reason for her falling for him, she instantly loses any respect from the reader (or at least, this reader). For her insides to go shivery and liquid after such a scene is so wildly abnormal (surely?) as to make her some kind of psychopath. (Unless you mean the kind of shivery and liquid that precedes vomiting, but I don't get that impression.) It would be helpful to know if that's your intention.

But I agree the voice is good.

 

[terryweide]

I got a good laugh out of this and I found it to be quite entertaining. It grabbed my interest and held it.

About the time someone breaks your flatmate/roommate's leg with a baseball bat and then has the guts/moxy/cheek, the whatever, to ask you out, it makes it a story worth reading.

You have a very strong opening. I'd like to see you continue this one and see what it turns into. Good luck with it.

 

[Boneman]

I liked it, and can't add much to what's been said.

Whatif the 'badguy' comes in and says "The six months is up, can't let it go any longer" and Richard says "Is it really six months?" and Chris nods, so Richard sticks his leg out and says "Make it quick." Whack, and now we're doubly intriguiged, and the nasty intent has (almost) gone... Naturally it would be better if your character is scrabbling for the phone to call the cops and Richard tells her not to. I've no idea why Richarf would accept the broken leg, that's up to you...

 

[alchemist]

Do you think this kind of character can ever be acceptable (in a story, not in themselves) or is it just too far, irrespective of what happens to him and what the 'moral' turns out to be? Is it that she finds him attractive? I'm not saying he is, obviously. Perhaps this would be clearer in 3rd person...?

Outside of YA, almost any type of character is "acceptable" (in a story) if it's written well enough. American Psycho is considered a classic (I thought it was a pile of poo, but what do I know?) and its protagonist was a psychopath of the worst kind, with no redeemable qualities, who had no comeuppance.

 

[Hex]

I tied myself in knots overnight and re-wrote the beginning so that she meets him/ agrees to go out with him *before* he breaks Richard's leg (although I'm not sure that really solves the problem, since if you meet someone and find him charming and attractive and then he turns out to be a violent thug you have betrayal on top of everything else to overcome -- unless you're in so deep you can't get out, or you think you're going to change him, or you think he needs rescued). Then I decided not to. Then I thought I should. Gah. I'll write the rest of the story and see how it goes. He's really only a plot device.

Meh. On the YA thing -- I was totally focused on the tone, not the content and I mis-described it, although the discussion helped me firm up on the idea that it isn't intended for YAdults (it had some swearing too, though nothing too naughty because she's doing the swearing).

And thanks Mouse -- I'll have Richard leap to his feet, maybe. Or possibly Chris should throw the table over, which would give the orange juice plenty of space for splattering.

ctg -- thanks for the comments on flow. I've been meaning to have a look at your piece on vampire zombies and I will this morning.

Is it too late for my thug to develop a sensitive side? I wanted it to be clear to the reader what sort of person he really is because, like you said, Abernovo, often you only get hints that someone's really a bad guy -- which I suppose makes the finding-them-attractive easier to explain. I was thinking of women who do things just because they're so story-worthy/ out of character or those girls who stand around and cheer while their boyfriend beats someone up. I'm not sure either of those types make for sympathetic protagonists, though. Maybe I need to set her up more clearly.

Thank you Terry

And Boneman -- thank you -- I find the idea of Richard allowing his leg to be broken almost more horrible. But it might take some of the bad-guyness away from Chris as you suggest.

This story may be adult-directed, but the inspiration for it is YA. I still think YA tends to be nastier and more bloodthirsty than a lot of adult sff -- I read The Hunger Games fairly recently, and also Shade's Children and The Forest of Hands and Teeth... (and I just finished The White Cat). I accept, though, that baseball bats are rarely involved and the protagonist does not tend to fall for the thug. At least, not knowing he's the thug.

 

[Mouse]

'Mouse-y.' You know, I did think the voice was a wee bit me when I read it.

I've got Shade's Children to read. Is it any good? I love Garth Nix. You should check out Jeremy de Quidt's Toymaker for a pretty gruesome YA story.

 

[Christopher Lee]

I found it humorous, but I've always had an interesting sense of humor. I liked the opening. Starting out with "I bet your expecting.." would probably put some people off, but I enjoyed it. Everyone see's a story differently. I'd like to see where this one keeps going, it's got me real curious.

 

[hopewrites]

i actually liked that she started falling for him in an act of violence.
no hear me out
its fresh and it does happen. you clearly painted her terror of the situation, and clearly defined it as a turning point for her life. i can completely identify with her. some guy holding a bat who just busted up my flatmate asking me ANYTHING would get the answer they wanted. the fact that you started the story with the spoiler that they do end up together tells me there is more to this man then meets the eye and your going to tell us all about it.
his nonchalance when hitting on your main makes his violence an act of business not of rage. the attraction there is not "bad boy" but "unstoppable" a "bad boy" type would be lude about hitting on her and coerce her into the date. the way he turns the violence into an impersonal act of business makes me think more of Suicide Kings - Gross Point Blank kind of men.
adrenalin is activated in the body in danger situations (the breaking in and the braking of her flatmates leg) as well as attraction ones (the eyes, the muscles...) so its easy for a person to be confused in a danger situation about what really is attractive about the person.

all in all i liked it once it got rolling. the start was a little disjointed but that has been pointed out repeatedly, only i dont have a suggestion on how to tighten it up.

 

[Hex]

'Mouse-y.' You know, I did think the voice was a wee bit me when I read it.

I've got Shade's Children to read. Is it any good? I love Garth Nix. You should check out Jeremy de Quidt's Toymaker for a pretty gruesome YA story.

You know what they say about imitation...

Yes, Shade's Children is really good. I love Garth Nix too but sometimes I get the impression that he was a little rushed when he wrote, e.g. Abhorsen. Shade's Children wasn't like that. Hideously dark, though. I'll have a look at Toymaker if I'm feeling brave one day.

Thanks Grizzgreen and hopewrites for your comments. hopewrites -- could you put your finger on what didn't work for you at the start? Was it the tense issues with 'the mad I'd marry' or was it more widespread?

 

[hopewrites]

It doesn't. Sorry to disappoint you.

The man I'd marry kicked in the door of our flat

right there the switch was too abrupt. i was tripping over my eyes keeping up with the action (love when i do that, but always miss a good deal the first time i read about a charactor i love dieing. what with the tears and the 'they cant really be dead i'll read faster and maybe they wont stay dead long'-ness of my... oh babbling sorry)
i happened to like the alt meeting scenario because it was an interesting way to meet the character and you tossed in a brief description of her there at the end.
what tripped me up was the switch from the strolling pace of the into followed by the full stop of "sorry to disappoint" to the full-on-sprint of the action sequence.
hope that was more helpfull