'Circus' preface, critique needed

[eclectic_dragon0253]

[FONT=&quot]Preface[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Jaymie[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“De sfïska mer normir.” – [/FONT] [FONT=&quot]“The world is my playground.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I can’t remember who told me that. It’s such a strange phrase, but something I have always related to nonetheless, if only because that is the way I generally view the world; a land to be explored, and a place to start adventures. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Maybe this is why I can’t seem to get it out of my head. Whatever choices I make, whatever opportunities present themselves to me, are inevitably followed by those five simple words in my mind. It’s always been that way, since as far as I can recall, and recently I’ve been reminded of the phrase all the more; ever since I left my homeland to make my new home here. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I look around at the scene before me; at the lights, the crowds, and the queue people of people waiting to be admitted into the large striped tent beyond. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]These are people who are bored with the mundane, predictable occurrences of their everyday lives, and who long to see something different. Something the lowly travellers might be able to offer in one night’s paid spectacle as they demonstrate that which is believed to be impossible.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Perhaps home is the wrong word for what I have found here. Maybe I don’t really belong anywhere. I’ve been granted plenty of opportunities to settle down, but I suppose I’ve just never found the right place. Maybe I don’t want to belong anywhere. Maybe I like to travel, to search, drinking in the sights, the smells, and the sounds of a new country; delighting in the new language and the new knowledge found just over the next hill...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Truly I am content with the cards I have been dealt in this life. Experience has taught me the rules of this world; taught me exactly how to use each card to my advantage. And yet still I am plagued by the memories of my first home, my true home. Sometimes, when caught off-guard, I find myself casting my mind back to that beautiful place far away from here; the place I cannot seem to find. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Perhaps if I consciously think back to that time – the time when I lost that home forever – perhaps then I can find some peace of mind.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I have to try. If I don’t, I fear I will go mad. A lot can change in just one day, with a single decision...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The world is my playground, and I the child; stumbling, learning, smiling.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The world is my playground, and I the child; laughing, crying, yearning.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Never stop, never think, never listen –[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Falling, growing, aging –[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Living...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The world is my playground and I the child,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Searching to find my home...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I often wonder how things would have turned out had I never crossed the boundary at all; if I had never heard of shadow walkers, Logan, or even the circus.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]But it does me no good to think of what could have happened. I can only look back on what did happen, and hope to find some kind of acceptance... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[The Judge]

dragon -- you forgot to check your post. The forum software rips out formatting, so you should have put a complete line's space between each paragraph so we didn't have a wall of text. Also, the font you'd chosen was too small to be easily read once the software got hold of it.

I've edited your post, but next time please remember to do this yourself -- it's a pity to lose some potential critiques because people cannot read your work!

 

[chrispenycate]

Formatting. I went in and added spaces between paragraphs, knowing how the site chews up the formatting on copy/paste, (no indentations, for one thing) but please try to preview the result in future.


Hmm, Judge; same minute. I wonder how we managed that.

I often wonder how things would have turned out had I never crossed the boundary at all; if I had never heard of shadow walkers, Logan, or even the circus.

But it does me no good to think of what could have happened. I can only look back on what did happen, and hope to find some kind of acceptance...
[/FONT]
Last edited by chrispenycate; 31st October 2011 at 09:29 AM.

I look around at the scene before me; at the lights, the crowds, and the queue people of people waiting to be admitted into the large striped tent beyond.

I'm not saying this use of the semicolon is wrong, indeed I can't see a "correct" punctuation for this sentence, and would quite possibly do the same. However, be aware it is not totally conventional, as the "look" is the verb for the second half, too, so that is not a linked, independent sentence.

Maybe I like to travel, to search, drinking in the sights, the smells, and the sounds of a new country; delighting in the new language and the new knowledge found just over the next hill...

Similar to the precedent; the final section is a fragment, and only really deserves a comma splitting it off.

It’s always been that way, since as far as I can recall, and recently I’ve been reminded of the phrase all the more; ever since I left my homeland to make my new home here.

Well, semicolon, obviously, but I wonder about " since as far as I can recall". It's totally comprehensible, but doesn't feel quite right. Perhaps "back" in there?

 

[eclectic_dragon0253]

Oh, sorry, I genuinely had no idea, thank you for re-editing it to make it readable, next time I will preview it and re-edit it myself. Thanks again =]

 

[Colbey Frost]

[FONT=&quot]Jaymie[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“De sfïska mer normir.” – [FONT=&quot]“The world is my playground.”[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I can’t remember who told me that. It’s such a strange phrase, but something I have always related to nonetheless, if only because that is the way I generally view the world; a land to be explored, and a place to start adventures. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Maybe this is why I can’t seem to get it out of my head. Whatever choices I make, whatever opportunities present themselves to me, are inevitably followed by those five simple words in my mind. It’s always been that way, since as far as I can recall, and recently I’ve been reminded of the phrase all the more; ever since I left my homeland to make my new home here. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](The jump between the last paragraph and the following one doesn’t seem natural. Maybe you could add in the descriptions amongst the above paragraphs because they are relaxing and inviting, because when we jump to description it feels like something has been taken away.)[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I look around at the scene before me; at the lights, the crowds, and the queue people of people waiting to be admitted into the large striped tent beyond. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]These are people who are bored with the mundane, predictable occurrences of their everyday lives, and who long to see something different. Something the lowly travellers might be able to offer in one night’s paid spectacle as they demonstrate that which is believed to be impossible.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Perhaps home is the wrong word for what I have found here. Maybe I don’t really belong anywhere. I’ve been granted plenty of opportunities to settle down, but I suppose I’ve just never found the right place. Maybe I don’t want to belong anywhere. Maybe I like to travel, to search, drinking in the sights, the smells, and the sounds of a new country; delighting in the new language and the new knowledge found just over the next hill...[/FONT]


(All these questions and sentences started with the word “maybe” to be followed by an opening line like “Truly I am content with the cards I have been dealt in this life.” Is he answering his own questions or are you making up the readers mind for them?)

[FONT=&quot]Truly I am content with the cards I have been dealt in this life. Experience has taught me the rules of this world; taught me exactly how to use each card to my advantage. And yet still I am plagued by the memories of my first home, my true home. Sometimes, when caught off-guard, I find myself casting my mind back to that beautiful place far away from here; the place I cannot seem to find. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](I feel the story is dragging at this point and I feel like I am wanting to skip ahead, much like when there is too much description… just get on with it.)[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Perhaps if I consciously think back to that time – the time when I lost that home forever – perhaps then I can find some peace of mind.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I have to try. If I don’t, I fear I will go mad. A lot can change in just one day, with a single decision...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The world is my playground, and I the child; stumbling, learning, smiling.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The world is my playground, and I the child; laughing, crying, yearning.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Never stop, never think, never listen –[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Falling, growing, aging –[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Living...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The world is my playground and I the child,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Searching to find my home...[/FONT]


(Poem adds to slow it down for me. I like poems to begin at the start of a chapter because they feel more optional rather than something I have to do, but this is just my preference. Also if you begin a poem at the start of each chapter is can help set the feeling you want to get over to the reader.)

[FONT=&quot]I often wonder how things would have turned out had I never crossed the boundary at all; if I had never heard of shadow walkers, Logan, or even the circus.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](This last paragraph is interesting, you get a clearer view on what is going on, but with how long winded it seemed to get to this point I didn’t much like the character, but now I can ask questions of my own… Logan? Shadow walkers? The circus? All interesting and strong, giving substance to him.)[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]But it does me no good to think of what could have happened. I can only look back on what did happen, and hope to find some kind of acceptance... [/FONT]


(I liked it at first, but then I expected that same level of interest throughout, but as I have already said, it seemed to drag a little. I think with some clever paragraph merging and cutting it could be powerful. As always these comments are just my opinion and as long as you’re happy writing, keep doing so!)