Timekeepers [Tentative]

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FireDragon-16

Chelsea
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Dec 10, 2008
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United States
Summary:
Erica Spencer is a college girl in the middle of summer vacation. By chance, she meets Drake Thomas, an actor in town to promote his new movie. When she meets him, her first impressions are blown out the window and the two start to become close. However, Drake's got a secret: He's a Timekeeper, a traveler who travels through time keeping things on the course they were meant to be. The Keepers fight against the Changers who do everything in their power to get time to go the way they want. When Erica finds out Drake's secret, she's already been pulled into the fight and must work with him in order to stop the Changers newest idea: Destroying several top landmarks and pointing fingers in an attempt at starting WWIII.

Story:
I rolled my eyes as Amber flew forward in her seat, attempting to turn up the radio.

"Did you hear what they said?" She asked, fiddling with the dial

I didn't think Alaska was missing the broadcast, but I kept my mouth shut as the reporter continued:
"Drake Thomas and Samantha Walker have officially split up. The two met on the set of their movie..."

"Oh blah, blah. Don't care about specifics, just want the hard facts." Amber said as she turned the volume down so we could talk over the top.

I raised my eyebrows at her.

"You do realize that all that information she was going to give was hard facts right?"

She stuck her tongue out at me.
"Yes I do smart-ass. I just needed to know if he was avaliable, I could care less about where they met and all their gooey lovey-dovey stuff."

"I see." I said with a grin. "Why do you care any way?"

She gave me a "duh" look. "If he's avaliable that means that I can make a move."

I raised my eyebrows again.

"How do you plan on that? He lives in California. We don't and as far as I know, you're not planning on being down there anytime soon."

"Well first of all, we live in Washington so it's not that far away. Second of all, he's going to be in town this weekend, 'member?"

"Oh, yeah."

If we'd been walking, her hands would have been on her hips.

"You forgot didn't you? I can't believe this, we've been planning this forever!"

"Don't be that dramatic, it's only been like a month. You're the one who's arranging everything anyway."

"Good thing too otherwise we'd end up on the edges of the crowd or worse: watching from home!"

I gasped in mock horror. "Oh no, saving money! How could I be stupid enought to think of that!"

She stuck her tongue out at me again. She flipped her hair and looked out the window.

"You know, I can always take my mom."

I snorted, "Yeah, I'm sure she'd love that."

She sighed dramatically.

"Fine, you win. I'll take you to this thing but you'd better be excited otherwise I'm leaving you on the curb and giving the ticket to the first person I see."

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"God I love you Amber. I missed having you at school."
 
Story:
I rolled my eyes as Amber flew forward in her seat, attempting to turn up the radio.

"Did you hear what they said?" She asked, fiddling with the dial

I didn't think Alaska was missing the broadcast
(I don’t get this…), but I kept my mouth shut as the reporter continued:
"Drake Thomas and Samantha Walker have officially split up. The two met on the set of their movie..."

"Oh blah, blah. Don't care about specifics, just want the hard facts." Amber said as she turned the volume down so we could talk over the top
. (Why would she turn the radio up and then straight down again? If she really were that interested then she wouldn’t want to miss anything surely? Just because it’s not going into detail doesn’t mean they won’t? Just the first thing that came to mind.)

I raised my eyebrows at her.

"You do realize that all that information she was going to give was hard facts right?"
(I’ve read this over a few times and it doesn’t flow…)

She stuck her tongue out at me.
(put these together as is dialogue tag)"Yes I do smart-ass. I just needed to know if he was available, I couldn’t care less about where they met and all their gooey lovey-dovey stuff."

"I see
,
(comma instead)" I said with a grin. "Why do you care any way?"

She gave me a "duh" look. "If he's
available
that means that I can make a move."

I raised my eyebrows again.

"How do you plan on that? He lives in California. We don't and as far as I know, you're not planning on being down there anytime soon."

"Well first of all, we live in Washington so it's not that far away. Second of all, he's going to be in town this weekend, 'member?"

"Oh, yeah."

If we'd been walking, her hands would have been on her hips.

"You forgot didn't you? I can't believe this, we've been planning this forever!"

"Don't be that
(“that” implies that she should… this character makes trouble for themselves hehe)
dramatic, it's only been like a month. You're the one who's arranging everything anyway."

"Good thing too otherwise we'd end up on the edges of the crowd or worse: watching from home!"

I gasped in mock horror. "Oh no, saving money! How could I be stupid
enough to think of that!?
"

She stuck her tongue out at me again. She flipped her hair and looked out the window.

"You know, I can always take my mom."

I snorted, "Yeah, I'm sure she'd love that."

She sighed dramatically.

"Fine, you win. I'll take you to this thing
,
but you'd better be excited otherwise I'm leaving you on the curb and giving the ticket to the first person I see."

I rolled my eyes and sighed.
(Speech tag, put them together) "God I love you Amber. I missed having you at school."


(I like dialogue, but I think you could make yours better by trimming down add-ons like “I snorted, "Yeah, I'm sure she'd love that." Or “I gasped in mock horror.” Things like this are ok, but when your characters are sticking tongues out and sighing etc too much then it stops for flow… Your reader should get to know the characters, or get a feel from what they’re saying… not always, but this would show more depth and make it flow. Plus for me slang jars and can also distract if done too much.

Ignore as much or as little as you would like, hope even a little helps.
 
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