Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[Elckerlyc]

My turn!

My story got a few mentions and 1 vote. Which is about 2 more than I expected, so I'm not complaining. The story is narrated by and about an first rate *ssh*le. (It was fun writing though.)
As I said in the Discussion thread, this was my 2nd version. The narrator of the first was even worse, darker.

Thanks. I have, more or less, decided to go for my 2nd version. It isn't darker as in your case, rather the opposite. I'll do as you suggest and post the other version after the voting.

I am wondering though, was it the despicable narrator or was there more that prevented folks from voting for it? And do you perceive much difference between the two stories?

Version Two

Artistic License Overdrive

I know what you’re thinking. That it’s a criminally waste of resources. A despoiling of the night-time sky that ought to be outlawed. That I should serve Earth and Earth only.
Fine, perhaps you’re right.
But I was never going to refuse this offer, reject this once in a lifetime chance or ignore that generous fee. Well, I did initially hesitate when the inscrutable Xhungii contacted me. I would have to stay many years among them, without showing any emotions. Having no facial expressions themselves, human faces unsettle them tremendously. Yes, I faced a trying experience. Such are the downsides of being the greatest celestial sculptor there is.

Anyway. (Imagine isolated, boring space-travel here.)

The project took 8 years, thousands of local miners hacking and digging feverishly, plus a fleet of pushers to nudge the objects towards Xhung. There the tricky part commenced; giving five sculpted asteroids their individually required spin and orbit.
Obviously, the Xhungii are idiots to allow artificially tumbling satellites above their insectoid heads. But they trusted me, my genius with orbital mechanics. And rightly so. Ever heard of the Three-Body Problem? Well, I can handle five and still flawlessly project their trajectories and interactions. And the result? It’s a shame no human eye will ever admire my accomplishment, my masterpiece.
As the Xhungii stare up at their sky and watch the dance of the celestial sculptures, constantly changing attitude and constellations, they’ll see representations passing by based upon their mythology. Stony-faced deities with identical expressions. Only, every so often, the idiots will see an entirely different image emerge. Of me. Grinning.
Payback for years of suffering their inscrutable, rigid faces. Perhaps, after a few generations, I will have become part of their mythology.
Deity of Orbits.
Fitting, don’t you think?

Version One

Artistic Licence Overkill

I know what you’re thinking. That it’s a criminally waste of resources. A despoiling of the night-time sky that ought to be outlawed. That I should serve Earth and Earth only.
And perhaps you’re right.
But I was never going to refuse their offer, overlook this once in a lifetime chance or ignore the handsome fee. Well, maybe that last one. Getting paid for it was hilarious. I did however hesitate initially when the Xhungii contacted me. I would have to stay many years among the Uglies, without showing any feelings. It unsettles them. A trying experience. Such are the downsides of being the greatest celestial sculptor there is. Just like the maddening isolation of space-travel.
Anyway.
The project took 8 years, thousands of local miners hacking and digging feverishly, plus a fleet of pushers to nudge the objects towards Xhung. There the tricky part commenced; giving five sculpted asteroids their individually required spin and orbit.
Obviously, the Xhungii are idiots to allow artificially tumbling satellites above their insectoid heads. They trusted me (me!), trusted my genius with orbital mechanics. Ever heard of the Three-Body Problem? Well, I can handle five and still flawlessly project their trajectories and interactions. And the result! It’s a shame no human eye will ever admire my accomplishment, my masterpiece.
As the Xhungii stare up at their sky and watch the dance of the celestial sculptures, constantly changing attitude and constellations, they’ll see representations passing by based upon their mythology. Until the day, about now, when the idiots will see an entirely different image emerge. Of me. Grinning.
That’s just before the asteroids will collide and fracture a thousandfold at calculated spots. When fragments start raining down on their ugly, inscrutable faces.
Yeah, I should have said. I hate Xhungii.

Your thoughts (if any)?

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi Ian Fortytwo. I have to honestly say that I had no idea what your story was about. I'm assuming that the title is meant to give a clue, but a quick 'Google' leads me to gas conversion? I think this may be one of those situations where the title of your story could have given readers a nudge in the right direction.

I did find your story intriguing, although I think there are parts where the word count could have been tightened up , not only to allow a few extra words for later, but to emphasise the action. I'd also consider the use of the word 'monster' as (especially in a short story) this would imply 'evil', when it appears they are not?

This as an example of an alternative first paragraph gives you 20-30 more words for the ending, and (for me ) is more in keeping with the frantic nature of a pursuit.

I slam the steel door shut behind me, exhausted. I've escaped my metallic pursuer, a behemoth empowered with incredible strength and stamina; but for how long?

I think that your story lacks an ending that could perhaps have helped to explain what went before, or at least tell us what happens to the narrator.

 

[M. Robert Gibson]

Hi @Elckerlyc

Well, I must be despicable because I prefer Version One.

I think the ending better explains why someone would spend eight years 'criminally wasting resources'

 

[paranoid marvin]

Well , Elckeryc, I voted for you.

I thought it was a good story, with a true beginning, middle and satisfying ending. My preferred version is 2. Why have the asteroids destruct, when he can annoy them forever?

 

[Elckerlyc]

Well , Elckeryc, I voted for you.

I thought it was a good story, with a true beginning, middle and satisfying ending. My preferred version is 2. Why have the asteroids destruct, when he can annoy them forever?

Good point!

 

[Phyrebrat]

Just a note; be careful conflating votes or mentions with the ‘success’ of your story. There are so many other reasons than just your skills (that’s what I tell myself).

I’m sure there are many months when you’ve received votes for stories you’ve written and felt are not as good as others. Same applies to winners by other authors.

Taste is so subjective — we tend to shortlist and vote for the same pool of writers, too. Most months The Judge, Dan, Johnnyjet, Perp, Jozebel and a few others will feature amongst my favourites because I particularly like their style. I find poetry entries other than Chrispy’ tend to be a little too doggerel-y or simplistic to snag a vote from
me, and humour rarely works for me. Possibly because I’ve a twisted non-Chrons friendly sense of humour, but maybe I’m just a thankless git.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Just a note; be careful conflating votes or mentions with the ‘success’ of your story. There are so many other reasons than just your skills (that’s what I tell myself).

I’m sure there are many months when you’ve received votes for stories you’ve written and felt are not as good as others. Same applies to winners by other authors.

Taste is so subjective — we tend to shortlist and vote for the same pool of writers, too. Most months The Judge, Dan, Johnnyjet, Perp, Jozebel and a few others will feature amongst my favourites because I particularly like their style. I find poetry entries other than Chrispy’ tend to be a little too doggerel-y or simplistic to snag a vote from
me, and humour rarely works for me. Possibly because I’ve a twisted non-Chrons friendly sense of humour, but maybe I’m just a thankless git.

This is true. There are many authors whose stories don't sell have so well as those who are top of the 'bestsellers'; it doesn't necessarily mean that they are any worse at writing. On the other hand there are many very popular authors who will never win a critic's award; it doesn't mean that they are any worse at writing, just that they know their audience. (And I guess that lounging in their Mediterranean villas sipping cocktails helps ease the pain) .

 

[Jo Zebedee]

My turn!

My story got a few mentions and 1 vote. Which is about 2 more than I expected, so I'm not complaining. The story is narrated by and about an first rate *ssh*le. (It was fun writing though.)
As I said in the Discussion thread, this was my 2nd version. The narrator of the first was even worse, darker.

I am wondering though, was it the despicable narrator or was there more that prevented folks from voting for it? And do you perceive much difference between the two stories?

Version Two


Version One


Your thoughts (if any)?

I don’t think a dark character harms votes. I once had a seriously twisted serial killer do very well.
in this case, for me it was the pacing and how much was told, rather than a bit of action or a nice scene to draw me in.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I don’t think a dark character harms votes. I once had a seriously twisted serial killer do very well.
in this case, for me it was the pacing and how much was told, rather than a bit of action or a nice scene to draw me in.

I remember!

Also, despite the rules, sometimes a clever but clear take on the stimulus picture reaps a lot of rewards; that’s not to do with the writer’s skill as a writer.

And on a related note, I’d also argue that stories that are character-led as opposed to ideas and concepts do better.

So many variables.

 

[Astro Pen]

And on a related note, I’d also argue that stories that are character-led as opposed to ideas and concepts do better.

Yes definitely. I recall you and I were in a tie breaker recently, and both stories centred on human relationships rather than ideas.
I am rather fond of getting ideas "out there" in my shorts here, but of course (and I tend to forget this) the audience is only 50% sci fi, which is, I feel, where most of the idea based stuff lies.
Fantasy fans are probably looking for more visceral 'human' interaction. To 'empathise' with protagonists etc'.
Without getting too prescriptive, it pays to consider the quite broad mix of readers here when constructing these pieces.

 

[Swank]

Any comments on my entry (copied below) would be appreciated. It was more a bit of fun than a serious contender, and in order for it to be successful it relied not only on a knowledge and a liking for Dad's Army and the main character's traits, but also for me to make it an enjoyable and humorous piece of writing. I am vert appreciative of the 2 votes I got, but any feedback is welcome. Positive or negative , it will all help towards making me a better writer, so please be free with your opinions.

I suppose it didn't work for me because it is full of humorous set-ups, but no actual punchlines. And the doom at the end somewhat belies the light premise. The last line is essentially a paraphrase of the First Officer of the other Soviet sub in Red October - which doesn't feel funny.

Humor in these short stories needs to have a real pay off in both the prose AND the ending.

 

[Swank]

As I leave, I become puzzled for in front of me is another metallic monster. I soon realise that this one is not attacking me, but is looking at the door I have come through.

The premise of the story and the odd circumstance of the narrator make the story hard to get under. But your prose is also difficult, with both medieval "for in front of me" phrasing, and the the absence of immediacy in the protagonist's observations of his situation. He doesn't react as much as has a series of observed feelings, somewhat out of order.

 

[Swank]

Your thoughts (if any)?

The premise is interesting. Overall, the text seems to be mostly the protagonist complaining, insulting or aggrandizing themselves. Certainly, they relate a story while doing so, but also manages to alienate the reader since the hardships mentioned come down to boredom on the long journey (they agreed to take), and xenophobia. One feels more for the aliens, robbing the protagonist of any real credit for their brilliance.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I suppose it didn't work for me because it is full of humorous set-ups, but no actual punchlines. And the doom at the end somewhat belies the light premise. The last line is essentially a paraphrase of the First Officer of the other Soviet sub in Red October - which doesn't feel funny.

Humor in these short stories needs to have a real pay off in both the prose AND the ending.

Hi, thanks for your feedback. My intention was not for the sub to be fatally damaged, but that Fraser (as he always does in the tv show) take an overtly pessimistic outlook and tell them that they are all doomed (in the same way that Baldrick's 'cunning plans' are anything but 'cunning'). I didn't have enough words left for the boys to remedy their situation, and took it as assumed that they would (as they always did) sort things out.

I suppose the 'punchlines' in the tv series were the facial expressions, delivery of lines and the slapstick action of the actors. Lacking visual aids, I can see how the humour would seem to be all build up and no end product.

I also now realise that even to those familiar with 'Dad's Army' I chose what could be seen as a bleak ending to what was otherwise a light hearted tale. This was never my intention, and I was unaware of a similar situation in the movie Red October.

All in all I think a lesson learned that this was a case of me not seeing the woods for the trees. In my mind I could see the actors delivering the lines just as they would on the tv, but I didn't adequately convert my mind's eye into the words.

 

[Swank]

Hi, thanks for your feedback. My intention was not for the sub to be fatally damaged, but that Fraser (as he always does in the tv show) take an overtly pessimistic outlook and tell them that they are all doomed (in the same way that Baldrick's 'cunning plans' are anything but 'cunning'). I didn't have enough words left for the boys to remedy their situation, and took it as assumed that they would (as they always did) sort things out.

I suppose the 'punchlines' in the tv series were the facial expressions, delivery of lines and the slapstick action of the actors. Lacking visual aids, I can see how the humour would seem to be all build up and no end product.

I also now realise that even to those familiar with 'Dad's Army' I chose what could be seen as a bleak ending to what was otherwise a light hearted tale. This was never my intention, and I was unaware of a similar situation in the movie Red October.

All in all I think a lesson learned that this was a case of me not seeing the woods for the trees. In my mind I could see the actors delivering the lines just as they would on the tv, but I didn't adequately convert my mind's eye into the words.

Ah! It didn't occur to me that anyone could survive - at that depth the pressure would compress the interior air into a tiny volume almost instantly.

 

[Elckerlyc]

The premise is interesting.

Thank you! I had hoped that idea would do some good to the story.

Overall, the text seems to be mostly the protagonist complaining, insulting or aggrandizing themselves. Certainly, they relate a story while doing so, but also manages to alienate the reader since the hardships mentioned come down to boredom on the long journey (they agreed to take), and xenophobia. One feels more for the aliens, robbing the protagonist of any real credit for their brilliance.

It seems I have succeeded partly of what i intended. I did want people to feel for the aliens and not for the protagonist. He may be brilliant, but as many geniuses he is also a presumptuous, arrogant prick. Sometimes you have to tell such stories.
Even if you won't get much votes (recognition) for it here.

 

[Swank]

It seems I have succeeded partly of what i intended. I did want people to feel for the aliens and not for the protagonist. He may be brilliant, but as many geniuses he is also a presumptuous, arrogant prick. Sometimes you have to tell such stories.
Even if you won't get much votes (recognition) for it here.

I agree with the idea that characters don't have to be sympathetic. But you also missed out on having any stakes for anyone to make the ending juicy.

 

[therapist]

@Elckerlyc I loved the idea of the celestial sculptor. Thought that was a cool and unique image. But for the story as a whole, I found it unclear what you were going for. Your ending line "fitting, don't you think?", confused me. I didn't know why it was fitting because I didn't understand the character's motivation. I ending in Version 1 I found much clearer and I preferred it. "I hate Xungii". That line wrapped the story up and explained everything in a satisfactory way.

I was also confused by "A despoiling of the night-time sky that ought to be outlawed. That I should serve Earth and Earth only."
These lines seemed contradictory to me. If his celestial sculptures despoil the sky and considered a waste of resources, then why should he 'serve' only earth? How is this a service if it isn't considered a good thing?

@Ian Fortytwo I was confused by your ending. (And I don't like being confused).

"When will the process start," says one of the people.
"Very shortly," another replies.
On the monitor the two monsters continue to wrestle, when suddenly a purple hue surrounds them.

I didn't know what was happening here, what 'process' the people referred to, or what the purple hue was supposed to be. You talk a lot about colours, the door glowing white, then a shade of red. The monster a shade of blue then a purple hue. I didn't know what it all meant. Although I liked the twist of the monsters hugging like long lost brothers. It wasn't enough to make the story work as a whole for me. I agree with what @M. Robert Gibson said about the ending not gelling with the beggining.

@paranoid marvin Never seen Dad's Army, so i'm not really your intended audience. But I was really enjoying your story. The tone, the humour, and the story were all working well for me, until the last three lines. They did nothing for me (not surprising given it was a Dad's Army in joke). If we deleted the last three lines from everyone's story, then yours would get my vote!

No critique for @Astro Pen as I was the sole voter.

 

[Ian Fortytwo]

Thank you for your feedback. The Gemini Process was my idea of good overcoming evil, however I don't think that I put it over very well at all. It is another notch in my learning curve. Of course writing poetry is one thing, but writing flash fiction is something different, apart they are both short.

 

[Elckerlyc]

I was also confused by "A despoiling of the night-time sky that ought to be outlawed. That I should serve Earth and Earth only."
These lines seemed contradictory to me. If his celestial sculptures despoil the sky and considered a waste of resources, then why should he 'serve' only earth? How is this a service if it isn't considered a good thing?

Yes, you're right. They do seem contradictory. It did cross my mind at one point, but then the thought got drowned in other thoughts.