I've moved on from the first bit of the story to the second part which includes more human interaction 
and before I do a pile of work and then find out it's rubbish I thought I'd stick up a tiny excerpt and see how well the dialogue flows/how it's reading.
Background: Kare has always exceeded at everything using mind powers, the group he's joined have stopped him using the powers during his training period to give a level playing field, and he's really struggled with basic training; this scene is designed to tell how badly he's done as I haven't shown any of the training itself, and keep interest, at least a little. Stitt was the trainer, Silom's his best mate.
Kare watched Silom come back from the bar and set two drinks on the table.
“How bad is it?” he asked. His eyes glanced to the group of squaddies gathered around Stitt in the corner. They listened to her avidly and then threw back their heads in laughter.
“Honestly?”
“Honestly.”
“She says you’re the worst recruit she’s ever trained and that she deserves a gallantry medal for getting you through. She also says she’s never seen anyone throw up as much after the obstacle course.”
Kare glanced over at her, and caught her eyes, but he didn’t throw her the dirty look he’d planned; hate her he might, she still outranked him. Instead he put his arms on the table and thumped his head down onto them.
“I’ll never live it down, will I?” he asked, his voice muffled.
Silom shook his head. “No, the best you can do is learn to take it with good grace. Still, at least you’ve made it. Three months, though, Kare; they reckon it’s a record.”
Kare grinned at him, and lifted his head up. “You’re probably right; I deserved it. It’s certainly been a lesson in how much I rely on my psyche. They’re not giving me much leeway here, are they?”
Silom shook his head. “Well, they’re not treating you any differently than the rest of us, if that’s what you mean. But they’re not treating you any worse, either, so knock off the self pity.” He downed his pint and pointed to Kare’s. “Are you drinking that?”
Kare shook his head. “I’ve had enough.”
“You’ve had two.”
“That’s enough.”
“Lightweight.”
Kare shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe. So, we go tomorrow? What’s it like, the fieldwork?”
“It’s good, you’ll like it,” said Silom as there was more laughter from Stitt’s table.
“It can’t be any worse than this,” said Kare, and he noticed Silom didn’t correct him.
and before I do a pile of work and then find out it's rubbish I thought I'd stick up a tiny excerpt and see how well the dialogue flows/how it's reading.Background: Kare has always exceeded at everything using mind powers, the group he's joined have stopped him using the powers during his training period to give a level playing field, and he's really struggled with basic training; this scene is designed to tell how badly he's done as I haven't shown any of the training itself, and keep interest, at least a little. Stitt was the trainer, Silom's his best mate.
Kare watched Silom come back from the bar and set two drinks on the table.
“How bad is it?” he asked. His eyes glanced to the group of squaddies gathered around Stitt in the corner. They listened to her avidly and then threw back their heads in laughter.
“Honestly?”
“Honestly.”
“She says you’re the worst recruit she’s ever trained and that she deserves a gallantry medal for getting you through. She also says she’s never seen anyone throw up as much after the obstacle course.”
Kare glanced over at her, and caught her eyes, but he didn’t throw her the dirty look he’d planned; hate her he might, she still outranked him. Instead he put his arms on the table and thumped his head down onto them.
“I’ll never live it down, will I?” he asked, his voice muffled.
Silom shook his head. “No, the best you can do is learn to take it with good grace. Still, at least you’ve made it. Three months, though, Kare; they reckon it’s a record.”
Kare grinned at him, and lifted his head up. “You’re probably right; I deserved it. It’s certainly been a lesson in how much I rely on my psyche. They’re not giving me much leeway here, are they?”
Silom shook his head. “Well, they’re not treating you any differently than the rest of us, if that’s what you mean. But they’re not treating you any worse, either, so knock off the self pity.” He downed his pint and pointed to Kare’s. “Are you drinking that?”
Kare shook his head. “I’ve had enough.”
“You’ve had two.”
“That’s enough.”
“Lightweight.”
Kare shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe. So, we go tomorrow? What’s it like, the fieldwork?”
“It’s good, you’ll like it,” said Silom as there was more laughter from Stitt’s table.
“It can’t be any worse than this,” said Kare, and he noticed Silom didn’t correct him.
