Synopsis - Mayhem

[AnyaKimlin]

Once my flu is over I'll get round to looking at work and critiquing. Been a bit intimidated. You guys are the best on the web for it - Decided to bite the bullet and this is my synopsis. Any feedback welcome - I am aware my punctuation is a work in progress. (After 13 years between university and writing, I'd forgotten what a full stop was).
​

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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Mayhem is a young-adult, high fantasy set on the fictional planet of Litae at the heart of the universe, and follows the story of a seventeen-year-old boy, named Angus, who inherits the throne of Covesea Island. The book is set in a time period roughly contemporary to 2011, but with some different constraints placed on the planet by its location, history, resources and peoples.
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] Prince Angus Lorenzo has inherited his father's and grandfather's genius intelligence, but he prefers to think with his fists. A fight at school lands him in serious trouble, and the headmaster wants him expelled. His dreams of becoming an astronaut are over. With a troubled mind he meditates for the first time in years. While he is in a trance the Abbot of the Order of the Sea appears in his bedroom. He tells Angus that his life has just changed, and hands him a book detailing the traditional education of princes of the island. A way of life Angus\' father, being a man of science had rejected. Angus is woken in the middle of the night to be told that his father is dead, and his older brother is missing. The clueless, rebellious teen is the king of Covesea Island with millions of people in his care.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The Universal Father has indigestion. Litae the planet that forms his heart has seen the vital mind-link between the elemental abbots and kings flat-line. The Lukas Combination is a society formed by Angus\' grandfather in order to gain control over the Universal Father and thus have power over all living things. When he died his granddaughter, Princess Evelyn, took over as head of the organisation. Evelyn killed her father, and tried to kill her brother Angus, but the attempted poisoning was unsuccessful. The combination need Angus dead, so that Evelyn can become queen, and she recruits her teenage son, Qing, a trained Combination assassin to do the job.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The people close to Angus open his eyes to the problems he will face as king, and he discovers they have kept secrets about their lives and ability to use the islands energy streams for \'magical\' purposes, because various laws would condemn them to death if discovered. The Abbot is living with Uncle Tom, and is the real father of Angus\' girlfriend, Beatrice. Angus feels he doesn\'t know who he is anymore, and not one person he thought he was close to is the same. Any confidence the teen had before is gone.
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] Once introduced to the traditional learning of Princes there is no holding Angus back who becomes the first monarch in a very long time to establish the universe\'s balancing mind link with the Abbot. He also achieves the birdform of the monarch of Covesea Island, the Great White Falcon. Angus nicknames the falcon, Mayhem.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The beautiful Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her, and together with the Abbot they go into battle to bring the military back under control of the crown. With new found confidence in himself , Angus goes against advice to order the kidnap of their president\'s daughter and mother. The gamble pays off, and the President offers to maintain peace between the two countries, if Angus will protect his daughter from the Lukas Combination. The President is unable to escape from their grasp and worries about the effect his new wife, Princess Evelyn, will have on the two people he cares most about.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The hard work is paying off, and life for the royal couple, Angus and Beatrice, and the island is starting to look more positive and hopeful. A countrywide street celebration greets the glorious coronation of King Angus and Queen Beatrice, but it is slightly marred by the young assassin trying once more; he is arrested. A few months later the royal couple welcome Baby Oren into the world.[/FONT]

 

[Hex]

Right. I got lots of excellent comments on the last thing I posted in critiques (including an indepth discussion of the meaning of 'crevasse') so I feel I owe the system. Sorry!

As a disclaimer -- I know vey little about synopses. Teresa has a good post on them in her blog, if that helps?

I read this quite quickly because I should be doing othr things, and got a bit confused. I've written down where I got confused hoping it might be useful for you to know. I like the sound of the story, though. Unlike other people I rather like the sound of Angus (but then I like heroes who might be described as 'sensitive').

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Mayhem is a young-adult, high fantasy set on the fictional planet of Litae at the heart of the universe, and follows the story of a seventeen-year-old boy, named Angus, who inherits the throne of Covesea Island. The book is set in a time period roughly contemporary to 2011, but with some different constraints placed on the planet by its location, history, resources and peoples. [/FONT]

I don't really like this as a beginning. I wonder if the defining stuff ('Mayhem' is a young adult....') should go in the query letter rather than the synopsis? I didn't understand what the relevance or accuracy of 'at the heart of the universe' was -- do they think they are? are they really? why does it matter?

I didn't like 'The book is set...' sentence at all.

(sorry, I'm aware I'm being a bit negative. I promise I'm trying to be helpful -- and these were things that worried me).

I thought the story really started with the next paragraph:

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] Prince Angus Lorenzo has inherited his father's and grandfather's genius intelligence, but he prefers to think with his fists. A fight at school lands him in serious trouble, and the headmaster wants him expelled. His dreams of becoming an astronaut are over. [/FONT][so far so good -- I like this and I'm interested[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]] With a troubled mind he meditates for the first time in years [/FONT][Now I'm a bit less interested -- couldn't tell you why -- but I wondered if this sentence could be combined with the next one]. [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]While he is in a trance the Abbot of the Order of the Sea appears in his bedroom. He tells Angus that his life has just changed, and hands him a book detailing the traditional education of princes of the island. A way of life Angus\' father, being a man of science had rejected. Angus is woken in the middle of the night to be told that his father is dead, and his older brother is missing. The clueless, rebellious teen is the king of Covesea Island with millions of people in his care. [/FONT][nice]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] [/FONT][I don't know what's going on in this paragraph -- I read the whole thing and I still don't know what's going on][FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The Universal Father has indigestion. Litae the planet that forms his heart has seen the vital mind-link between the elemental abbots and kings flat-line. The Lukas Combination is a society formed by Angus\' grandfather in order to gain control over the Universal Father and thus have power over all living things. When he died his granddaughter, Princess Evelyn, took over as head of the organisation. Evelyn killed her father, and tried to kill her brother Angus, but the attempted poisoning was unsuccessful. The combination need Angus dead, so that Evelyn can become queen, and she recruits her teenage son, Qing, a trained Combination assassin to do the job. [[/FONT]so is this the same Angus as the main Angus and if so why haven't we heard of her? And if not... I'm a bit confused]

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The people close to Angus open [/FONT][mini-point but 'close'/ 'open' threw me a little][FONT=Times New Roman, serif] his eyes to the problems he will face as king, and he discovers they have kept secrets about their lives and ability to use the islands energy streams for \'magical\' purposes, because various laws would condemn them to death if discovered. [[/FONT]this seems a bit vague -- who are these people?] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The Abbot [/FONT][is he one of them?][FONT=Times New Roman, serif] is living with Uncle Tom [[/FONT]I have issues with 'Uncle Tom' as a name, for obvious reasons. That's despite the fact that my uncle was, in fact, called Thomas. Anyway.[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]], and is the real father of Angus\' girlfriend, Beatrice. Angus feels he doesn\'t know who he is anymore, and not one person he thought he was close to is the same. Any confidence the teen had before is gone. [/FONT][OK I like what's happening in Angus' life and the way you've brought in his lack of confidence, but I have to say I'm not very sure who he is either]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] Once introduced to the traditional learning of Princes there is no holding Angus back [full stop, or colon] He [who - don't like 'who' here] becomes the first monarch in a very long time [this reads as a bit vague to me] to establish the universe\'s balancing mind link with the Abbot. [I'm confused here -- and I don't understand the significance] He also achieves the birdform of the monarch of Covesea Island, the Great White Falcon. Angus nicknames the falcon, Mayhem. [but Mayhem is him, is it? so does he nickname the falcon-form Mayhem or are they somehow separate?][/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The beautiful Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her, and together with the Abbot they go into battle to bring the military back under control of the crown. [have you said before that the military aren't?] With new found confidence in himself , Angus goes against advice to order the kidnap of their president\'s daughter and mother. The gamble pays off, and the President offers to maintain peace between the two countries, if Angus will protect his daughter from the Lukas Combination. [OK - I'm not sure what the importance of these things are and how they fit into the big picture] The President is unable to escape from their grasp and worries about the effect his new wife, Princess Evelyn, will have on the two people he cares most about.[/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The hard work is paying off, and life for the royal couple, Angus and Beatrice, and the island is starting to look more positive and hopeful. A countrywide street celebration greets the glorious coronation of King Angus and Queen Beatrice, but it is slightly marred by the young assassin trying once more; he is arrested. A few months later the royal couple welcome Baby Oren into the world.[/FONT]

I don't much like the last paragraph. I think it comes over as 'happily ever after' at length. That could well just be me being odd, though.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Please be honest It's only when I don't understand comments I struggle.

You are right and I can see ways to make it clearer. They are actually the heart of the universe - I wasn't sure how to get it into the synopsis. Basically the universe is the body of the Universal Father and the planet forms like an internal organ function. All the energy flows to it to be cleansed and then flows out the rest of the universe. It's sort of the heart, kidneys and womb.

Maybe need to drop all that and bring out Evelyn more. Thanks.

 

[alchemist]

I know less about synopses than Hex (far less) so take anything I say with a bucket of salt.

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Mayhem is a young-adult, high fantasy set on the fictional planet of Litae at the heart of the universe, and follows the story of a seventeen-year-old boy, named Angus, who inherits the throne of Covesea Island. The book is set in a time period roughly contemporary to 2011, the way you worded that conflates it a little with earth. Maybe "a level of technology consistent with 2011 Earth"but with some different constraints placed on the planet by its location, history, resources and peoples.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] Prince Angus Lorenzo has inherited his father's and grandfather's genius intelligence, but he prefers to think with his fists. A fight at school lands him in serious trouble, and the headmaster wants him expelled. His dreams of becoming an astronaut are over. With a troubled mind he meditates for the first time in years. While he is in a trance the Abbot of the Order of the Sea appears in his bedroom. He tells Angus that his life has just changed, and hands him a book detailing the traditional education of princes of the island. A way of life Angus\' father, being a man of science had rejected. Angus is woken in the middle of the night to be told that his father is dead, and his older brother is missing. The clueless, rebellious teen is the king of Covesea Island with millions of people in his care.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The above paragraph was very clear. This one has changed tone dramatically, going from factual matters to more metaphysical ones. I think you need to either explain the Universal Father more, or else explain it in much simpler terms, without using the terminology you've inventedThe Universal Father has indigestion. Litae the planet that forms his heart has seen the vital mind-link between the elemental abbots and kings flat-line. The Lukas Combination is a society formed by Angus\' what's with the backslashes? I presume this is my ignorance speakinggrandfather in order to gain control over the Universal Father and thus have power over all living things. When he died his granddaughter, Princess Evelyn, took over as head of the organisation. Evelyn killed her father, and tried to kill her brother Angus, but the attempted poisoning was unsuccessful. The combination need Angus dead, so that Evelyn can become queen, and she recruits her teenage son, Qing, a trained Combination assassin to do the job.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The people close to Angus open his eyes to the problems he will face as king, and he discovers they have kept secrets about their lives and ability to use the islands energy streams for \'magical\' purposes, because various laws would condemn them to death if discovered. The Abbot is living with Uncle Tom, and is the real father of Angus\' girlfriend, Beatrice. Angus feels he doesn\'t know who he is anymore, and not one person he thought he was close to is the same. Any confidence the teen had before is gone.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] Once introduced to the traditional learning of Princes there is no holding Angus back who becomes the first monarch in a very long time to establish the universe\'s balancing mind link with the Abbot. He also achieves the birdform of the monarch of Covesea Island, the Great White Falcon. Angus nicknames the falcon, Mayhem.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The beautiful Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her, and together with the Abbot they go into battle to bring the military back under control of the crown. With new found confidence in himself , Angus goes against advice to order the kidnap of their president\'s daughter and mother. The gamble pays off, and the President offers to maintain peace between the two countries, if Angus will protect his daughter from the Lukas Combination. The President is unable to escape from their grasp and worries about the effect his new wife, Princess Evelyn, will have on the two people he cares most about.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]
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[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] As hex said, this is really an epilogue and you probably don't need itThe hard work is paying off, and life for the royal couple, Angus and Beatrice, and the island is starting to look more positive and hopeful. A countrywide street celebration greets the glorious coronation of King Angus and Queen Beatrice, but it is slightly marred by the young assassin trying once more; he is arrested. A few months later the royal couple welcome Baby Oren into the world.[/FONT]

It sounds complex and very interesting. Hopefully you'll get it out there soon.

 

[chrispenycate]

Since this is fantasy I will not go into the fact that, given the relatively standard 'big bang' theory, any point in space time can be taken (accurately) as the centre of expansion of the universe; you should not imagine it expanding from just one geographical location. Given that, to stop some truly extraordinary geometric manipulations, only a planet with its sun orbiting round it, and the stars on a crystal dome surrounding it, can work as an adequate epicentre.

Once my flu is over I'll get round to looking at work and critiquing. Been a bit intimidated. You guys are the best on the web for it - Decided to bite the bullet and this is my synopsis. Any feedback welcome - I am aware my punctuation is a work in progress. (After 13 years between university and writing, I'd forgotten what a full stop was).
​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]

Mayhem is a young-adult, high fantasy

Comma

set on the fictional planet of Litae at the heart of the universe, and

Possibly "which" rather than "and"?

follows the story of a seventeen-year-old boy, named Angus, who inherits the throne of Covesea Island. The book is set in

try to avoid the two "set in"s this close.

a time period roughly contemporary to 2011, but with some different constraints placed on the planet by its location, history, resources and peoples.


Prince Angus Lorenzo has inherited his father's and grandfather's genius intelligence, but he prefers to think with his fists. A fight at school lands him in serious trouble, and the headmaster wants him expelled. His dreams of becoming an astronaut are over. With a troubled mind he meditates for the first time in years. While he is in a trance the Abbot of the Order of the Sea appears in his bedroom. He tells Angus that his life has just changed, and hands him a book detailing the traditional education of princes of the island. A way of life Angus' father, being a man of science

Comma

had rejected. Angus is woken in the middle of the night to be told that his father is dead, and his older brother is missing. The clueless, rebellious teen is the king of Covesea Island Comma with millions of people in his care.

The Universal Father has indigestion. Litae

Comma

the planet that forms his heart

Comma

has seen the vital mind-link between the elemental abbots and kings flat-line. The Lukas Combination is a society formed by Angus\' grandfather in order to gain control over the Universal Father and thus have power over all living things. When he died

Comma

his granddaughter, Princess Evelyn, took over as head of the organisation. Evelyn killed her father, and tried to kill her brother Angus, but the attempted poisoning was unsuccessful. The combination need Angus dead, so that Evelyn can become queen, and she recruits her teenage son, Qing, a trained Combination assassin

Comma

to do the job.

The people close to Angus open his eyes to the problems he will face as king, and he discovers they

Is this "they" the same people who are opening his eyes?

have kept secrets about their lives and ability to use the islands

Island's? Islands'? Anyway, you need a possessive apostrophe.

energy streams for \'magical\' purposes, because various laws would condemn them to death if

this was?

discovered. The Abbot is living with Uncle Tom, and is the real father of Angus\'

I don't know why every time there should be a ' apostrophe it is joined by a \ backslash. Ho hum. I'm sure it's not like that in your original.

girlfriend, Beatrice. Angus feels he doesn\'t know who he is anymore, and not one person he thought he was close to is the same. Any confidence the teen had

had had

before is gone.


Once introduced to the traditional learning of Princes there is no holding Angus back

if you put this "back" before the "Angus" the "who" works; otherwise, not.

who becomes the first monarch in a very long time to establish the universe\'s balancing mind link with the Abbot. He also achieves the birdform of the monarch of Covesea Island, the Great White Falcon. Angus nicknames the falcon, Mayhem.

The beautiful Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her,

put this comma after the "and"

and together with the Abbot

Comma

they go into battle to bring the military back under control of the crown. With new found confidence in himself , Angus goes against advice to order the kidnap of their president\'s daughter and mother. The gamble pays off, and the President offers to maintain peace between the two countries,

no comma

if Angus will protect his daughter from the Lukas Combination. The President is unable to escape from their

whose

grasp and worries about the effect his new wife, Princess Evelyn, will have on the two people he cares most about.

The hard work is paying off, and life for the royal couple, Angus and Beatrice,

As punctuated, Angus and Beatrice are different from "the royal couple".

and the island is starting to look more positive and hopeful. A countrywide street celebration greets the glorious coronation of King Angus and Queen Beatrice, but it is slightly marred by the young assassin trying once more; he is arrested. A few months later the royal couple welcome Baby Oren into the world.

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[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks for the commas and other catches. The backslash isn't my doing beyond not checking it after pasting. I sometimes end up with // in my main works from a chatroom I work in (if we paste work in there it shows paragraph changes)- those things have proved to be like christmas tree pine needles to remove.

There's a reason it's fantasy - however the sun does rotate round it (the whole universe does) and it is encased in a dome, but of a material only found on that world The dome is beyond the scope of this story and not yet understood though. (I do have part of an astronomy degree however based the science more on He-Man. It was not deliberate, but my kids were watching the 1980s series incessantly when I wrote it and He-Man influences are quite strong, hence the falcon and wimpy blonde haired prince).

 

[Hex]

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] The Universal Father has indigestion. Litae the planet that forms his heart has seen the vital mind-link between the elemental abbots and kings flat-line.

[/FONT]

Not to go on and on, but this worried me. I think it's the relationship of the heart and the indigestion.

I wondered about something along the lines of:

Litae is the heart of the Universal Father, and it's causing him problems. X generations of scientifically-minded kings have severed the vital mind-link to the elemental abbots. [and this matters because:]

 

[odangutan]

Why is the assassin called Qing when everyone else seems to have fairly Western names?

 

[chrispenycate]

Oh, I wasn't worried about the star rotating round the planet, I'm sure that happens on lots of fantasy worlds (probably with lots of underground tunnels and a giant, fireproof dung beetle to get it back to "go" for the next day's traverse. Nor, however it may read, was I being condescending. I was just worried about the different physical laws this indicates, and the adaptation of people from contemporary Earth.

Oh, and while I'm here; alliteration. Beauteous Beatrice's brutal bullying. Possibly find a synonym to break it up?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I'm in the process of the rewrite taking out all of the things I realise make sense over 97K but in 700 words cannot be explained lol. Like Qing is an assassin which is a race of it's own - exactly how the whole us being god's body works etc

 

[Susan Boulton]

I would suggest you do a 250 word synopsis, a 500, and a 1000. Then, depending on the agents/publishers' requirements for their submission package you have all the bases covered. I would also prepare a 100, and 250 word pitch for those agents that state they only want a query letter.

They have a section on http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/ which deals with crits for such. Always best to get as many opinions as possible before attempting a re-write.

 

[odangutan]

I'm in the process of the rewrite taking out all of the things I realise make sense over 97K but in 700 words cannot be explained lol. Like Qing is an assassin which is a race of it's own - exactly how the whole us being god's body works etc

If that's the case then I'm confused by this bit...

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The combination need Angus dead, so that Evelyn can become queen, and she recruits her teenage son, Qing, a trained Combination assassin to do the job.[/FONT]

 

[AnyaKimlin]

If that's the case then I'm confused by this bit...

He has a father and his father is an assassin, who named and raised him. Each race has their own naming system which became intermingled as people interbred.

It was less odd when I had the Abbot and Beatrice's full names up.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi AK,

Like Chesterton's rolling English road, I'm afraid that it rambles around too much.

I think you could cut it by half and significantly improve it in the process.

The point of the synopsis is to tell the plot. It's irrelevant to the plot that he is expelled, thinks with his fists or lives on a planet at the centre of the Universe.

What is important is that a scrotty, ill-prepared teenager suddenly becomes king, that there are those who are seeking to kill him and that he is able to overcome those obstacles to navigate us all safely to the happy ending.

With this in minnd, put nothing in the synopsis which doesn't directly answer one of the following questions:-

1. Whose story is it?
2. What does the hero(ine) want?
3. What obstacles lie in his/her way?
4. How does he/she overcome them?

Regards,

Peter

 

[odangutan]

So Qing is a hybrid assassin?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

So Qing is a hybrid assassin?

He's a half breed but it tends to be a dominant trait.

 

[Tecdavid]

Is this an official synopsis? The sort you would submit to an agent or publisher? If so, I think you'll need to sum things up a littler quicker and neater; a lot of concepts and ideas are introduced one after another quite hastily, so perhaps it'd be best to simply outline the main story, rather than every plot-point. Of course, I'm no expert on synopses either, so this is merely an opinion.
The story itself, from what you've mentioned, does sound very interesting.