Need a good, honest critique

[Christopher Lee]

This is a short passage out of a book I'm working on. Well, I don't know if you could actually call it a book yet. I write as it comes to me. I don't outline nor do I research my characters. I plant them in a situation and let them develop with their actions. I know "Infodumping" is a big thing with many "aspiring" writers so i wanted to know if this had an issue with that from your perspective.
I'm still working out the grammatical and punctuational kinks as I teach myself these things so bear with them.
I'm "aspiring", not "experienced".

Chapter 3​

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a savvy swagger, almost comical for his age. He wore tight denim blue jean pants and a black leather jacket, an eagle stitched into the right shoulder. His lips pursed into a smile each time the traffic came to a standstill, a child in a back seat showing off his new GI Joe action figure with remarkable happiness. The man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had a particular air about him, the savvies of a man with a no worries in the world.

As he walked, he flipped a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending it back, back and forth. He had long blonde hair that flowed to just below his wide shoulders that looked in dire need of some shampoo and water. His name was London Black. As he passed by each car, still jammed in the traffic, the passengers and drivers all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure resting solitary in his lap. The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm "aspiring", not "experienced". wish i wasn't so like you

Chapter 3​

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a savvy swagger, almost comical for his age. He wore tight denim blue jean pants and a black leather jacket, an eagle stitched into the right shoulder.i like the description of him, esp. that the eagle is stitched into not onto. His lips pursed into a smile each time the traffic came to a standstill, a child in a back seat showing off his new GI Joe action figure with remarkable happiness.is it the same child each time? or is the child only there once; I'm a bit confused. The man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had a particular air about him, the savvies of a man with a no worries in the world. i didn't like this last sentence; no particular air tells me very little and I don't know what the savvies are. I Know what you mean by it, but the expression seems clumsly.

As he walked, he flipped a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending it back,see later; maybe returning it? backdon't like the repetition of both. and forth. He had long blonde hair that flowed to just below his wide shoulders that looked in dire need of some shampoo and water. this seems a little complicated; what's wrong with saying it needed a wash? also two that's in the sentence, you could get rid of one; maybe "his long blonde hair flowed to", or "below his wide shoulders; it looked in dire need of some shampoo and water." His name was London Black.Do we need to know that now? It does read as an info dump; can you say something like London Black walked down the road, or put it into a conversation later? As he passed by each car, still jammed in the traffic, the (I think you could lose one of the the's.) passengers and drivers all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure resting solitary in his lap. now I'm starting to wonder If it's meant to be the same child again, in which case just tell me it is. If it's something about the Gi joe figures; it's a little obvious/clumsy. The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth. it works here, so I wonder should you get rid of the first back from above.

Hi, Grizzgreen. I think I spy a King fan! as it reads in the style of King, and as a King fan I enjoyed it, but I did think there was a little tightening possible; see above. Lot's of red, but most of it's small stuff/questions.

 

[Hex]

Aspiring too, so take or leave these comments!

This is an interesting beginning. I liked the way the excerpt ended. In my opinion, you spend rather a lot of time describing the character, and I'm not very interested in him yet because I don’t know why I should be. This is especially true of sentences 2-4 ("He walked with a savvy swagger.... happiness."). On the other hand, I liked the slightly slow, pedestrian (arf arf!) build up because it made the end so shocking.

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a savvy swagger, almost comical for his age. [you tell us 'He walked...' twice in quick succession, which could be a nice echo effect, but also makes me wonder if you could trim it so you only use 'walked' once. I can't think how, though]. He wore tight denim blue jean pants [In the UK 'tight blue jeans' would suffice here, but I don't know how things work in the US] and a black leather jacket, an eagle stitched into the right shoulder. [If you wanted to reduce the effect of listing his characteristics like this -- which I find a bit overwhelming -- how about something like: "He walked with a savvy swagger, almost comical for his age, his black leather jacket swinging with every move of his wide shoulders." -- I mean sort of work the description of what he's wearing etc. into the rest of the stuff that's going on.] His lips pursed into a smile each time the traffic came to a standstill, a child in a back seat showing off his new GI Joe action figure with remarkable happiness. [The impression I got from this sentence was that each time the traffic stopped, there was a child in a back seat showing off a GI Joe -- I think if it's a particular child on one occasion then you need another sentence, and probably a marker to indicate that this is a particular time, e.g.: "As he passed the sign saying he'd 40 miles to go, he noticed..." -- which is a bit clunky but something like that would distinguish this specific instance from the 'each time' sentence] The man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had a particular air about him, the savvies of a man with a no worries in the world. [I like this image -- but there's an extra 'a' in there]


As he walked, he flipped a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending it back, back and forth. He had long blonde [in the UK at least only females have 'blonde' hair -- males have 'blond' hair] hair that flowed to just below his wide shoulders that looked in dire need of some shampoo and water [as the sentence is written, it's his wide shoulders that need some shampoo. You could avoid this by breaking the sentence into two: e.g. 'His long blond hair flowed to just below his wide shoulders. It looked in dire need of some shampoo and water.' Or you could fit the stuff about the hair next to the mention of the hair -- e.g. 'His blond hair, which looked in dire need of some shampoo and water, flowed to just below his wide shoulders.' Of course, you could just say it was greasy, but then you'd lose the lyrical jokey thing you have going on here, which I liked. I'd suggest you don't need 'long' since you then say how long it is (ie: it comes to below his shoulders = long) And -- er -- long hair that badly needs washed -- does it 'flow'? ]. His name was London Black. As he passed [by -- I would lose this] each car, still jammed in the traffic, the passengers and drivers [all -- I would lose this too] slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway [I like this image very much]. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure resting solitary in his lap. [Nice!]The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth. [Fantastic! I would certainly read on from this]


So -- I like a lot about it. I'm a bit confused about the relationship between the first paragraph and the second in terms of time. I like the GI Joe connection. I do think there's too much description, but I'm not a huge fan of detailed character descriptions in any case. I think yours would seem lighter if you worked it into the action a little more instead of simply listing it.

Hope that's helpful.

 

[Abernovo]

This is a short passage out of a book I'm working on. Well, I don't know if you could actually call it a book yet. I write as it comes to me. I don't outline nor do I research my characters. I plant them in a situation and let them develop with their actions. I know "Infodumping" is a big thing with many "aspiring" writers so i wanted to know if this had an issue with that from your perspective.
I'm still working out the grammatical and punctuational kinks as I teach myself these things so bear with them.
I'm "aspiring", not "experienced".

Chapter 3​

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a savvy* swagger, almost comical for his age. He wore tight denim blue jean pants (blue jeans)and a black leather jacket, an eagle stitched into the (its) right shoulder. His lips pursed into a smile (He smiled) each time the traffic came to a standstill, (Period. New paragraph?)a child in a back seat (was) showing off his new GI Joe action figure with remarkable happiness. The man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had a particular (the) air about him, the savvies of a man with a no worries in the world. (comma, then join the next two sentences onto this paragraph?)

As he walked, he flipped (flipping) a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending (returning) it back, back and forth. {He had long blonde hair that flowed to just below his wide shoulders that looked in dire need of some shampoo and water. His name was London Black.}This entire section seems, to me, to belong with how he looks in blue jeans and leather jacket. I also agree with Springs over the long hair/shoulder sentence. - Then start the new paragraph with: As he passed by each car, still jammed in the traffic, the passengers and drivers all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure** resting solitary in his lap. The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth.

* savvy swagger? I highlighted that as it didn't seem right to me, but it may be one of those differences in language caused by being on opposite sides of the ocean
**you've already told us the GI Joe is an action figure, so it doesn't need repeating

Hi, Grizzgreen.

First off, I should say that I don't usually do critiques. I'm always worried that it will be the blind leading the blind. So, take my advice with a pinch of salt.

My method, such as it is, is
Red for remove, with
Blue for my alternative, if I have one
Pink for format suggestions

What I will say, straight away, is that I really like this idea. I like the imagery and fixing on the GI Joe is a chilling touch. I know I've made a lot of notations, but it's how I would do it if it was my re-write, which is all I can offer.

I would certainly be interested in what comes next. Good Luck.

 

[Christopher Lee]

Hey guys, I really appreciate the honest opinions! I'm always up for some good, hard criticism. This was a pretty rough first draft in a pretty rough first draft to a story that I'm finding myself very,very interested in writing.

I asked for the critiques mainly because i wanted to get a nice fix on what goes on in the re-write process. As I mentioned, I'm teaching myself this things. My only basis is off what i remember in high school, which was only about five years ago.

Anyways, it needs a lot of work, as does the whole story. But this is one that I'm doing for fun, just to see what comes to me as i write. I appreciate the replies and I'll be taking each one into strong consideration!

Oh, and I am a huge Stephen King fan.

 

[Arkose]

Well I'm neither aspiring or experienced in critiquing, so lets call it even.

I'm "aspiring", not "experienced".

Chapter 3​

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a savvy swagger, almost comical for his age. He wore tight denim blue jean pants and a black leather jacket, an eagle stitched into the right shoulder. His lips pursed into a smile each time the traffic came to a standstill, a child in a back seat showing off his new GI Joe action figure with remarkable happiness. The man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had a particular air about him, the savvies of a man with a no worries in the world.

(Blue) Combine them so your showing. I would look at something like "He walked with a swagger along 1-40, heading to Lebanon."
(Red) This is telling, in a non-important way. If you want to give him a "look," I would put it with an action. "He brushed the dirt of his tight blue jeans, thinking about removing his leather black jacket that absorbed heat like metal."
(Orange) I like what you are going at, but the way you word it, it sounds that each time the traffic stops he see a child with a G.I. Joe.
(Yellow) Remove and enter "is"
*Note* Give the guy a name so you don't keep saying "The Man."


As he walked, he flipped a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending it back, back and forth. He had long blonde hair that flowed to just below his wide shoulders that looked in dire need of some shampoo and water. His name was London Black. As he passed by each car, still jammed in the traffic, the passengers and drivers all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure resting solitary in his lap. The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth.

(red) thinking about it I would remove the last sentence of the prior paragraph and combine it with the start of this one. I would also remove the description of flipping a coin. I think its just something everyone knows and can picture.
(Blue) WHOA. This part comes out of no-where, The hair thing does not flow well with the paragraph and should be in the one before (again as an action). The name would be great earlier or even later, but not right before everyone dies. What is London doing when he see's everyone dead? That is more you should be looking at and how describe the scene. "London glanced at the stalled traffic with amusement. A car honk blaring from the car next to him, as the driver head rested on the horn. London didn't even flinch as more horns sounded off. Even the child he waved at with a smile, had no life expression. London kept flipping his coin with a large grin on his face." I know its not great, but just an example of wording it differently.

I'm just making remarks as a reader. I didn't focus on grammar as it won't matter with the changing of your story, and seeing so many other grammar posts already.

Interesting idea though. One thing I suggest is actually reading it out loud.

 

[Hex]

Sorry if it came over as stomach-punchingly gruesome. I'm editing my own stuff just now so I have super-critical, nitpick hat on. I liked the overall effect of the writing -- you have dramatic flair and an eye for an effective image. I look forward to hearing where this story takes you.

Also -- that's the thing about critiques -- decide what's useful for you -- what works for what you write and the way you write it -- and ignore the rest.

ps: just to say I really like the way the description of the coin flipping starts before we knowwhat's happening, and comes back afterwards in a sort of reflection.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Also, Grizzgreen, by and large the critiques all say the same thing, which is really good, rather than a confusing mish mash. Quit while you're ahead! Tee hee. Cue a whole host of critiques all saying something different.

And abernovo, I think your critique was excellent! As a blind leader, it was illuminating.

 

[AMB]

Much of what the others say stands, so I'll try not to repeat them. Although I have to say I also don't understand the way you use savvy.

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a savvy swagger, almost comical for his age. He wore tight denim blue jean pants and a black leather jacket, an eagle stitched into the right shoulder. His lips pursed into a smile each time the traffic came to a standstill, a child in a back seat showing off his new GI Joe action figure with remarkable happiness. The man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had a particular air about him, the savvies of a man with a no worries in the world.

I think you need to make it clearer that the traffic is moving slowly. Is the man actually covering more distance than the cars ( and is he walking in the same or opposite direction?). One of the smiles needs to go, possibly the second one.

To be honest, I didn't know what I-40 was until later in the paragraph when you said he continued down the interstate. While most of your readers will likely know, you might consider just putting Interstate 40.

As he walked, he flipped a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending it back, back and forth. He had long blonde hair that flowed to just below his wide shoulders that looked in dire need of some shampoo and water. His name was London Black. As he passed by each car, still jammed in the traffic, the passengers and drivers all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure resting solitary in his lap. The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth.

If it is the same child in the same car as before, make it clearer. "In the one car, the child now lay motionless across his seatbelt, his GI Joe resting forlorn in his lap."

Also, if everyone in the cars end up dead, I would probably say something like occupants rather than passengers and drivers, but if that doesn't fit your voice, fair enough.

As you can see I have highlighted instances of sentences beginning with '(as) He' and 'His', as well as mentions of 'the man'. I'm not going to tell you what to do with them, just something for you to think about.


ETA: The hair description should probably be moved to be with the rest of the description stuff in the first paragraph, if needed at all. Perhaps his name should be at the beginning of the second paragraph, just before the coin flipping stuff.

His name was London Black. As he walked, he flipped a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending it back, back and forth. As he passed by each car, still jammed in the traffic, the passengers and drivers all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure resting solitary in his lap. The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth.

All your words, just with the hair stuff removed and the name brought to the beginning. Ignoring my point about the way you start your sentences for a moment, does this sound better, worse, or much the same to you?

 

[ctg]

I'm "aspiring", not "experienced".

Most of us are, including me.

What is see in your writing is that you do what we call as an excessive info-dumping or exposition. The story weaves and provides interesting twists. So much so that I didn't stop to ponder but once before I hit the dark end. And what I can see is that you have raw talent. Don't let it fool you or get into your head, but hone it. Keep writing and trusting your skills, because I trust you got more than what you realize.

Chapter 3​

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a savvy swagger, almost comical for his age.

Watch the repetition. In this first chapter you use very often walked, when you should get over it and trust that the readers know that thing.

Still, I-40 towards Lebanon? How is going to cross the Atlantic?

He wore tight denim blue jean pants and a black leather jacket, an eagle stitched into the right shoulder. His lips pursed into a smile each time the traffic came to a standstill, a child in a back seat showing off his new GI Joe action figure with remarkable happiness. The man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had a particular air about him, the savvies of a man with a no worries in the world.

Very intriguing. You tell a lot, but you also show, meaning that somewhere in your mind, you're doing the right thing even though might not even realize it.

So don't worry, but keep rolling.

As he walked, he flipped a coin between his fingers.

You might want to start looking forward some alternative words for walking when you go back to do some editing in order to polish off this piece. But know this, you don't have to change much, just a little bit to make it really shine.

His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky sending it back, back and forth. He had long blonde hair that flowed to just below his wide shoulders that looked in dire need of some shampoo and water. His name was London Black. As he passed by each car, still jammed in the traffic, the passengers and drivers all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway. In one car, a child lay across his seat belt motionless, a GI Joe action figure resting solitary in his lap. The man kept walking down the highway, humming to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth.

There are moments when I would want to cut some words, sentences, and even rewrite some of the passages. But it wouldn't be right for me to do as this is your story. Not mine. And if you're really worried about the exposition, then, please, give us a bit more.

 

[Christopher Lee]

Thanks again to everyone who helped me out with this. Still learning what goes into a re-write. This was rough straight out of my head so I just wanted a real good look on how a re-write looks.

The critiques and replies were awesome. As was yours Abernovo

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I'm a few days late to this post, but the only thing I wanted to add that hasn't been said (yes, nearly everyone is saying the same things that I'm thinking--scary for at least one of us!) is that lips don't purse into a smile. Those are mutually exclusive expressions, as far as I can tell.

This is very King-esque, indeed, and I would want to see where it's going. Although it makes me wonder what's happened in the first two chapters, if this is three!

 

[Christopher Lee]

Thanks for the reply zebra, late or not. For anyone curious, this is what it has been altered to. I'm not looking for anymore critiques or anything, unless you feel you would like to. Just posting it for whoever may like to see. Again, thanks everyone for the quick replies!!

Chapter 3​

The man walked down the side of I-40 in the direction of Lebanon. He walked with a swagger almost comical for his age. His black leather jacket swung with every move of his wide shoulders, an eagle stitched into its left arm. His long, dirty blonde hair gave him a hippy, almost Axel Rose look. Each time the traffic came to a standstill, the same car pulled up alongside him. A child in the back seat was showing off his new GI Joe action figure with extraordinary pride. The walkin’ man smiled, waved, and continued his trek along the interstate. He had the air of a man with no worries in the world, flipping a coin between his fingers. His index finger would begin the motion, the pinky returning it, back and forth.

Suddenly, as he was strolling by each car still jammed in traffic, the occupants all slumped over in their seats dead, as if he were a plague spreading along the highway; a plague that was neither racist nor sexist; a virus that walked right up and slapped you in the face no matter who you may be. Car now at a standstill, and no longer waving in the window, the child sat motionless, arms dangling across his seat belt, his GI Joe resting in his lap. I-40 headed west would soon be a wasteland for the dead. The man kept walking down the highway, humming the tune to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as he flipped the coin between the base of each finger. Back and forth.