Help! Another punctuation question

[Hex]

I've got a little stuck and I was hoping someone could (please) advise me on the correctness (or not) of this sentence:

I want to say: I tried to smile at him (it didn't really work), then I walked out of the room.

Would this work?:

'I tried to smile at him but it didn't really work, then I walked out of the room.'

I also had this (but it looked sort of wrong):

'I tried to smile at him, but it didn't really work, then I walked out of the room.

or:

'I tried to smile at him, but it didn't really work; then I walked out of the room.'

edited to add:

'I tried to smile at him -- but it didn't really work -- then I walked out of the room.'

Hmm.

The context is that someone just opened the door and is standing there waiting for her to walk out of the room, while someone else (the person she's smiling at) is pleading with her not to go.

Grateful for any suggestions.

 

[Erin99]

Hello, Hex! I hope your writing's still going well.

The only one I have a problem with is the last one with the dashes, and that's purely because I don't feel the content in the dashes have the urgency or the jutting extra info that usually goes in between them (if that makes sense?).

The 'I tried to smile at him but it didn't really work, then I walked out of the room' is fine, because a lot of writers use the ", then" to mean ", and then" (I do), which makes: 'I tried to smile at him but it didn't really work, and then I walked out of the room'

This one is also acceptable because you have the conjunction but and they formally require commas before them: 'I tried to smile at him, but it didn't really work, then I walked out of the room.' This is the same as the one above, but you've chosen a style with more commas in it, here, that's all. I prefer the one with less commas, personally.

Then you could argue that the second-last example is correct, too: 'I tried to smile at him, but it didn't really work; then I walked out of the room.' You've added the semicolon because you're linking the two clauses "I try to smile" with "I give up and walk out".


Personally I think I'd prefer a stronger, punchier version, but that's just my personal preference:

I tried to smile at him but it didn't really work. Then I walked out the room.
I tried to smile at him, but it didn't really work. Then I walked out the room.
I attempted a smile. Then I walked out the room.

 

[AMB]

I think the dashed version would work if the "but" was removed, as it would be an interruption. The same could be said about the one with the bracketing commas.

I think I like Leisha's second option best.

 

[Mouse]

Hex, I'm probably being a wally, but I don't even understand that sentence.

If you're trying to smile, then obviously the smile's not working. So the 'but it didn't really work' isn't needed.

Or do you mean that the smile had no effect on the person being smiled at? In which case, I'd probably write something like "I offered a smile but received no response. I walked out of the room."

 

[Ursa major]

You could get rid of the then by rewording to give:

I tried smiling at him, but when it didn't work, I walked out of the room.
​

or

I tried smiling at him, but when it didn't seem to work, I walked out of the room.
​

or even

I tried smiling at him, but as it didn't seem to be working, I walked out of the room.
​

 

[Erin99]

I like AMB's suggestion of 'I tried to smile at him -- it didn't really work -- then I walked out the room.'

That's the sort of jarring interruption I use in between my dashes.

I also agree with Mouse's second line. I thought the same thing, too, but I figured a re-wording was in order, to save word count and clear up any confusion... which is how I came up with "I attempted a smile. Then I walked out the room."


Edit: Hmmm. I didn't think Hex's intention was to have her character's attempt at a smile receive no response from the man. I thought it simply that the woman tried to smile but her heart wasn't in it...

 

[Mouse]

Edit: Hmmm. I didn't think Hex's intention was to have her character's attempt at a smile receive no response from the man. I thought it simply that the woman tried to smile but her heart wasn't in it...

Then maybe something like: "I tried to smile at him, but it wouldn't come." (Only something better, obviously!) "I tried to smile, but couldn't." Or whatever the reason why she couldn't... didn't have it in her or whatever the reason is.

"I tried to smile but I was fed up and he was being an arse. So I walked out."

 

[Ursa major]

Edit: Hmmm. I didn't think Hex's intention was to have her character's attempt at a smile receive no response from the man. I thought it simply that the woman tried to smile but her heart wasn't in it...

You're probably right, LK. I missed that entirely.

So what about:

When my attempt to smile at him failed, I walked out of the room.
​

EDIT: I see Mouse has been dropping the "at him", which does make it a little easier:

When I couldn't even manage a smile, I had to leave the room.
​

but that might lead us back to reintodcuing the target of the expression:

When I couldn't even manage a smile in his direction, I had to leave the room.




​

 

[Erin99]

(Hello, Mouse! Hello, Ursa! It's nice to see you again after being away for so long. Oh! And I did notice Thread Bear's Xmas garb recently, which always makes me a smile. )


I could have the wrong idea about Hex's meaning, anyway. She'll have lots of ideas to pick from now, at least.

 

[Mouse]

Hello, Erin! Good to have you back!

I thought of another thing for you, Hex. How about: I wanted to smile. Rather than 'tried.' (Mind, I don't know what mood the character's in. I'm thinking a little sad maybe?)

Or, or, or (depending on who it is who's pleading with her not to go and what their relationship is) "I wanted to hold him, I wanted to tell him that I'd never leave, that I would always be there... I couldn't even smile. I turned, and left the room." *violins*

 

[Abernovo]

Kind of similar to some of the other suggestions, but:

I tried to smile at him, but it wasn't working, so I walked out of the room.

It's just substituting the then for so, though. You could try 'I left the room' or even just 'I left' if it's more than the room the character's leaving e.g. leaving the building, etc. Or:

I tried to smile at him, but it didn't work, so I walked out of the room.

 

[Boneman]

I like Abernovo's 'so'... though I had no problem with the dashes, especially as they're in keeping with your style.

 

[Hex]

Gosh.

Thank you all so much. As you say, that's quite a range to choose from...

 

[J5V]

I tried to smile at him (it didn't really work), then I walked out of the room

Try this:
I tried to smile at him. It didn't work, so I walked out of the room.

(I posted anyway, despite seeing similar from Abernovo).


Edit: look at last comment date before posting! Apologies, I saw this thread in a list, and assumed it to be recent. (hides)