My 2001st post critique. Nobel's Dynamite part 2. (1000 words)

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Vertigo

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Well here's the second part. Another 1000 words sorry :eek:

Nobel's Dynamite Part 2

“I’ve told you before, there was nothing explosive in the lab; nothing!”

It had been two days since the explosion that killed Professor Blake and destroyed everything in his lab and now I was being grilled by the heads of the Physics Department. They weren’t happy, but then neither was I. They wanted a scapegoat and I was damned if it was going to be either Professor Blake or myself.

“What other explanation is there?” asked Professor William Freedman. He was definitely after my blood. “Could that quantum field thing have short-circuited or something?”

“No chance, Bill” said Professor John Munro. He was possibly the nearest thing to an ally that I had in the room. “I’ve seen the equipment. It didn’t use or generate anything like enough power, and the police are adamant that there are no traces of any explosive compounds. There is, or was, nothing in that lab but electrical equipment and plain old air.”

Air. Something in the back of my mind was suddenly demanding attention but I couldn’t pin it down.

“What exactly was Professor Blake working on when you last saw him, Pinner?” Munro asked.

“He thought he was close to succeeding…” Munro waved down the protests of the others. “He was trying to jump a small sample, only a few microns in diameter, and only a very short distance, no more than a couple of centimetres…” I leapt to my feet as that something in the back of my mind suddenly made itself heard. “What if he did it? What if he succeeded?”

Again Munro quelled the protests. “Explain!”

Sitting back down, I said, “Professor Munro, you knew him fairly well, didn’t you?”

Munro nodded. “Probably better than most, I quite liked the old guy, despite his ways, Why?”.

“What do you think was most important to him; the field or the jump?”

“The field, of course, he was a theoretical physicist. He would only have viewed the jump itself as his experimental proof.”

“My thoughts exactly! The one thing he never talked about, and knowing him probably never considered, is what would actually happen after a successful jump. He was only interested in the field itself. I think he might have succeeded…” I pushed on despite the grumbles. “When that sample appeared in its new location it would’ve been trying to share the space with the air molecules already there. We’re talking about a significant number of atoms suddenly finding themselves and their electrons’ orbits entangled in ways that should not have been possible under normal conditions. I think he might have created a tiny nuclear fusion explosion!”

They all spoke at once:

“Preposterous!”

“Ridiculous!”

“Waste of time!”

All except Munro. He seemed to think about it for a moment before interrupting. “Actually, he may have something there.” I looked at him in surprise.

Freedman glared. “Come on John, don’t you start.”

“It fits the facts. There wouldn’t have been any chemical traces. Probably only a handful of atoms actually fused. In terms of atomic explosions a mere spark. So it’s quite possible there was no detectable radiation and I doubt anyone’s even thought to check for it.” Munro raised his voice against the storm of protests. “Dammit, we’re scientists. Do you have a better theory to fit the observed facts?”

Only sullen silence this time.

If that’s what happened consider the implications. As well as transport (in a vacuum I think next time!) he may have inadvertently discovered a workable fusion generator. We should at least investigate the possibilities.”


* * *


It took years to recreate Blake’s work (I think most of it was on all those handwritten sheets I had helped him carry). By the time we had succeeded Munro had retired and I was leading the project. We both shared the Nobel Prize and insisted Professor Blake’s name should be on it.

Then it all started to go wrong.

Yes we did finally achieve cheap fusion energy but we should have had the stars. We had even started construction of the first quantum star jump platform. But by then the first quantum gun had been built. It was the perfect weapon; there was no defence against it. If you knew your target’s precise location (it could be literally anywhere: deep underground, far out in space, anywhere), you just jump a marble sized lump of matter into it and your target becomes its own nuclear bomb; instantaneous with no opportunity to dodge. The only defence was secrecy. If the enemy didn’t know where the target was they couldn’t hit it.

Within two days of the first shot being fired there wasn’t a satellite left in orbit. Anything that could view the Earth’s surface was destroyed, even the nascent quantum star jump platform. Another day and all the known military bases were destroyed. Within a week all air and sea traffic had ceased; they made ridiculously easy targets for the quantum gun. Invasion was impossible. As soon as the enemy saw you, you were targeted and you quite literally became a bomb. No defence and no attack. It became the old game of battleships; no one could see what they were shooting at so they just took pot shots at likely sites.

Cities were likely sites.

Once they started on them it took less than a week to flatten every major city in the world. Within a year over two billion were dead, a quarter of the Earth’s human population gone; mostly by starvation and disease as the planet’s entire infrastructure was systematically destroyed. The only things that survived were the quantum guns themselves. They couldn’t be targeted; small and mobile, not even their own generals knew their locations. With their ability to retaliate unaffected and actual invasion impossible, none of the governments would back down. Civilian loses were simply ignored.

It is a war of attrition and there has never been one like it.

No surrender and no negotiations.

Everyone wants revenge.

Nothing more, just revenge.
 
Vertigo, you fool! You've just revealed how to make the world's most dangerous weapon!

I liked this conclusion, and wasn't so bothered by old-style voices. Part of this is probably being caught up in it, but I think the dialogue is genuinely improved over the first part, so well done.

The only thing I had any issues with was this extract:


“What exactly was Professor Blake working on when you last saw him, Pinner?” Munro asked.

“He thought he was close to succeeding…” Munro waved down the protests of the others. “He was trying to jump a small sample, only a few microns in diameter, and only a very short distance, no more than a couple of centimetres…” I leapt to my feet as that something in the back of my mind suddenly made itself heard. “What if he did it? What if he succeeded?”


Far as I remember, this is the first time we've been told the narrator's name (I assume he is Pinner?) so it's not clear whether it's the narrator or some other Pinner that's talking. Then it's made even more confusing by "Munro waved down" coming in the same paragraph as Pinner's dialogue, as this momentarily suggests it's Munro the dialogue belongs to. I'd suggest:

“What exactly was Professor Blake working on when you last saw him, Pinner?” Munro asked me. (or, Munro turned to me. "What exactly etc")

“He thought he was close to succeeding…” I said, as Munro waved down the protests of the others. “He was trying to jump a small sample, only a few microns in diameter, and only a very short distance, no more than a couple of centimetres…” I leapt to my feet as that something in the back of my mind suddenly made itself heard. “What if he did it? What if he succeeded?”

Otherwise, good stuff (at least to a scientific ignoramus like me)
 
Vertigo, you fool! You've just revealed how to make the world's most dangerous weapon!
Hehe - actually it's a problem - I'd quite like to use this idea for a jump drive thingy but for the life of me I can't come up with an effective defence. And having no defence would really create problems creating a story!

I liked this conclusion, and wasn't so bothered by old-style voices. Part of this is probably being caught up in it, but I think the dialogue is genuinely improved over the first part, so well done.
Thank you. I ummed and arred some about whether to do more polishing of this based on the feedback of the first part and in the end I couldn't resist!

Far as I remember, this is the first time we've been told the narrator's name (I assume he is Pinner?) so it's not clear whether it's the narrator or some other Pinner that's talking. Then it's made even more confusing by "Munro waved down" coming in the same paragraph as Pinner's dialogue, as this momentarily suggests it's Munro the dialogue belongs to.
I wondered about that. And nearly took the name out altogether but I just felt he would use a name in that question. It sounded so abrupt without it and de was supposed to be my only ally! I like your rearrangement though!

Otherwise, good stuff (at least to a scientific ignoramus like me)
Thank you :eek:
 
Nobel's Dynamite Part 2

“I’ve told you before, there was nothing explosive in the lab; nothing!”

It had been two days since the explosion that killed Professor Blake and destroyed everything in his lab and now I was being grilled by the heads of the Physics Department. They weren’t happy, but then neither was I. They wanted a scapegoat and I was damned if it was going to be either Professor Blake or myself.

“What other explanation is there?” asked Professor William Freedman. He was definitely after my blood. “Could that quantum field thing have short-circuited or something?” This line bugs me a little. I assume this professor must understand at least the theory of what they were doing, otherwise he wouldn't be qualified to attend an enquiry panel. I'd remove the word "thing" after quantum field, and possibly "or something".

“No chance, Bill” said Professor John Munro. He was possibly the nearest thing to an ally that I had in the room. “I’ve seen the equipment. It didn’t use or generate anything like enough power, and the police are adamant that there are no traces of any explosive compounds. There is, or was, nothing in that lab but electrical equipment and plain old air.”

Air. Something in the back of my mind was suddenly demanding attention but I couldn’t pin it down.

“What exactly was Professor Blake working on when you last saw him, Pinner?” Munro asked.

“He thought he was close to succeeding…” Munro waved down the protests of the others. “He was trying to jump a small sample, only a few microns in diameter, and only a very short distance, no more than a couple of centimetres…” This should be on a seperate line, a new person is acting and talking.I leapt to my feet as that something in the back of my mind suddenly made itself heard. “What if he did it? What if he succeeded?”

Again Munro quelled the protests. “Explain!”

Sitting back down, I said, “Professor Munro, you knew him fairly well, didn’t you?”

Munro nodded. “Probably better than most, I quite liked the old guy, despite his ways, Why?”.

“What do you think was most important to him; the field or the jump?”

“The field, of course, he was a theoretical physicist. He would only have viewed the jump itself as his experimental proof.”

“My thoughts exactly! The one thing he never talked about, and knowing him probably never considered, is what would actually happen after a successful jump. He was only interested in the field itself. I think he might have succeeded…” I pushed on despite the grumbles. “When that sample appeared in its new location it would’ve been trying to share the space with the air molecules already there. We’re talking about a significant number of atoms suddenly finding themselves and their electrons’ orbits entangled in ways that should not have been possible under normal conditions. I think he might have created a tiny nuclear fusion explosion!”

They all spoke at once:

“Preposterous!”

“Ridiculous!”

“Waste of time!”

All except Munro. He seemed to think about it for a moment before interrupting. “Actually, he may have something there.” I looked at him in surprise.

Freedman glared. “Come on John, don’t you start.”

“It fits the facts. There wouldn’t have been any chemical traces. Probably only a handful of atoms actually fused. In terms of atomic explosions a mere spark. So it’s quite possible there was no detectable radiation and I doubt anyone’s even thought to check for it.” Munro raised his voice against the storm of protests. “Dammit, we’re scientists. Do you have a better theory to fit the observed facts?”

Only sullen silence this time.

If that’s what happened consider the implications. As well as transport (in a vacuum I think next time!) he may have inadvertently discovered a workable fusion generator. We should at least investigate the possibilities.”


* * *


It took years to recreate Blake’s work (I think most of it was on all those handwritten sheets I had helped him carry). By the time we had succeeded Munro had retired and I was leading the project. We both shared the Nobel Prize and insisted Professor Blake’s name should be on it.

Then it all started to go wrong.

Yes we did finally achieve cheap fusion energy but we should have had the stars. We had even started construction of the first quantum star jump platform. But by then the first quantum gun had been built. It was the perfect weapon; there was no defence against it. If you knew your target’s precise location (it could be literally anywhere: deep underground, far out in space, anywhere), you just jump a marble sized lump of matter into it and your target becomes its own nuclear bomb; instantaneous with no opportunity to dodge. The only defence was secrecy. If the enemy didn’t know where the target was they couldn’t hit it.

Within two days of the first shot being fired there wasn’t a satellite left in orbit. Anything that could view the Earth’s surface was destroyed, even the nascent quantum star jump platform. Another day and all the known military bases were destroyed. Within a week all air and sea traffic had ceased; they made ridiculously easy targets for the quantum gun. Invasion was impossible. As soon as the enemy saw you, you were targeted and you quite literally became a bomb. No defence and no attack. It became the old game of battleships; no one could see what they were shooting at so they just took pot shots at likely sites.

Cities were likely sites.

Once they started on them it took less than a week to flatten every major city in the world. Within a year over two billion were dead, a quarter of the Earth’s human population gone; mostly by starvation and disease as the planet’s entire infrastructure was systematically destroyed. The only things that survived were the quantum guns themselves. They couldn’t be targeted; small and mobile, not even their own generals knew their locations. With their ability to retaliate unaffected and actual invasion impossible, none of the governments would back down. Civilian loses were simply ignored.

It is a war of attrition and there has never been one like it.

No surrender and no negotiations.

Everyone wants revenge.

Nothing more, just revenge.

I think the part after "Then it all started to go wrong" is very well written and uses good imagery, but I'm sorry to say I find it completely unbelievable. After rewriting this paragraph several times, I'm finding it hard to say why without sounding like I'm ranting about the idea, but I will expand on why if you want me to.
 
Thanks for that MT.

Your first point is very valid and is something I wondered about. I was trying to stress that all the other professors didn't take any of his work seriously. But you are right he just comes across as stupid.

Your second point is interesting in that the paragraph is meant to be all the narrator, Pinner, speaking. But re-reading it I can see the problem. Does this help?

“He thought he was close to succeeding…” Munro waved down the protests of the others and I continued. “He was trying to jump a small sample, only a few microns in diameter, and only a very short distance, no more than a couple of centimetres…” I leapt to my feet as that something in the back of my mind suddenly made itself heard. “What if he did it? What if he succeeded?”
Re the believability I was wondering if I'd pushed it too far. But if, and of course it really is a big if, if you had some sort of matter transporter like this I really think it would be the prerfect weapon. For example imagine trying to mount an attack. So long as you know where the attack is happening you just radio the position to the folk controlling the quantum guns and bang. They don't even need to be anywhere close, so there's nothing for the invaders to fire back at. So if you can't be invaded and the enemy can't destroy your guns you can just keep on fighting.


I must admit I would actually be happier if I could come up with some sort of defence mechanism discovered only after a massively destructive war.

In fact this is a problem I've always had with any SF that includes some kind of "beam me up, Scotty" matter transporter. I really can't see how any such device could work in anything but a near perfect vacuum.
 
My problem with the quantum guns is more that they seem to me like a future form of nuclear weaponry, with all the scientific and political ramnifications that come along for the ride.

The first issue is that for a quantum war to break out, several countries need the technology. Were Blakes notes available to more than just the country he lived in? Also remember richer and more advanced countries will weaponise the technology sooner, and as soon as they get the technology they will lean heavily on other countries to ensure they don't weaponise it.

Of course, there will be a scenario in which several countries end up getting the weapon anyway, and I draw my second parallel to nuclear weapons. Country A would not use their quantum gun against Country B, because they know unless they can disable Country B's quantum gun, Country B will retalliate in kind. Similar problems emerge with escalation. Country A knows that if they target Country B's cities, it gives free moral reign for Country B to target theirs.

The crux of my problem with youe quantum gun doomsday scenario is that it can only work if sufficient numbers of quantum gun armed leaders are warmongers with no concern for their own skin. A more likely scenario of the quantum gun's development is actually enhanced diplomacy.

Long story short, I think your story needs terrorists :)
 
You may well be right MT. I think I maybe needed to come up with a better motivation for the war to start in the first place.

I figured that everyone would get the technology as it wasn't originally developed as a weapon or in a wartime scenario. Sure only the richer countries might get the chance to develop it but there's enough of them to cause mayhem and let's face it we did get awfully close to nuclear war once ourselves.

However despite your smiley I think your last comment is spot on. I hadn't thought of it but you're right it would also be the perfect terrorist weapon; maybe that's the angle I should have played! I just have to come up with something that could defend against it.
 
Vertigo, I wouldn't worry about your skills as these two excerpts shows very well how capable you're on drawing up a very intriguing and engaging story. What people has given you, are advices on how you can polish up the thing to the highest standards. So, to me, there is next to nothing wrong in your story and mostly I'd like to read more. I'll hope that will make you smile.
 
I assume the reason that the Nobel Committee broke its own rules by making a dead man a laureate was someone saying to them, "We know where you live...."


By the way, the opening paragraph
The day I received the Nobel Prize was certainly the proudest day of my life. Of course it wasn’t really for my own work but rather that of Professor Howard Blake. However that hardly detracted from my pleasure as I accepted in his name. That pleasure wasn’t to last long. I think I now know how Alfred Nobel felt and maybe Oppenheimer too. How will I be remembered?
rather suggests that the prize is being awarded to Blake but being collected by the narrator, whereas it becomes clear that the narrator is a named recipient.

What you presumably meant to say, or imply, was that the narrator rather discounted their own achievement, as compared to Blake's, in creating the theory (and practice) that led to the Nobel prize being awarded.

Now I realise that other parts of the paragraph I've quoted do say that the narrator "received" the prize, but that only makes it more confusing.
 
Actually Vertigo, I think the quantum gun works better if there is no defense. At least if you want to scare the pants off your readers anyway.
 
ctg: thanks and it did make me smile :). I'm not completely down on my writing ability but I am aware I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn. However I am encouraged in that I believe I have improved. More practice, more practice...

Ursa. You are absolutely right about the prize stuff. Much indecision about how to handle it showing through! I was aware about the ban on posthumous awards but I thought that a little unfair so decided I would have them insist.

MT: you may be right but I'd quite like to use this quantum field a little more, particularly as a jump drive for interstellar travel. There are a number of interesting threads that come out of it. For example you can jump out of an atmosphere (noisy but safe) but not jump into one (without blowing up), for interstellar jumps you would have to deal with potentially massive delta-v as you would arrive with your momentum intact from your original position which is likely to be very significant.

One idea I had, for detection at least, was maybe the quantum field could generate a fingerprint burst of neutrinos that could be detected. Hard but possible.
 
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