poetry wanting critique please

[hopewrites]

I dont remember all (ok most) of the rules I learned about poetry in my creative writing class (probably because it was over 13 years ago) and was wondering if I could get some help with these I've had laying around.
Comments on their subject matter are welcome as well. I tried to pick some of my less emotionally charged poems so that I could think rationally about them and learn to write better.

Thanks in advance


Ghost in the corner
There is a ghost in the corner office
But we don’t mind him at all
Although he often smirks or scoffs at us
We know he’ll be there if we fall

There is a ghost that haunts this little house
But its nice to have him here
He’s sneaky and cheeky just like a mouse
We know there’s nothing we should fear

There is a ghost lurking somewhere close by
Though I often cant guess where
He is often quiet and always shy
Still we know he always cares.

Serenity
I tread the path that once we walked
with hopes to find you there
I count the song birds as they flocked
as off they fly to where
my heart once held with in its arms
that sweetest to embrace
as I fell victim to your charms
enraptured by your face

I sigh soft sighs o're little pond
that once we thought a lake
I seek with heart that has no eyes
what some young thief did take
where have all the rabbits gone
and where have fled the doves?
here I lie and ramble long
while playing with my gloves

sweet life come back to me
kind sun shed on your rays
kind love return what once you took
what I so loving gave


Summer
sleep now sun, the day is done
we laughed and played and had such fun
come again at brake of day
come to me, come out and play
warm the sands and heat the waves
dance with me, thru the days
laugh and sing and shout
this is what life’s all about

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Well, the first one, its rhythm was a little choppy, too many syllables in some lines for a smooth reading.


The second read almost as a song, and I picked up on its rhythm right away. I didn't really see any niggling issues with it as I did with the ghost one.


And in the third, I found the last two lines combined, which should have helped drive it home, to be a sort of downfall. The rest of the poem had a quick, smooth flow to it, but it seemed to me those last two dammed the river up with a slight jarring rhythm skip.

 

[The Judge]

No time for a critique at this minute, hopes, but with my mod's hat on, please remember that Critiques is for pieces with a SFF bent. As the first is about ghosts, that's fine, and I'll let the other two slip in with it, but if you're thinking of putting more up, do please make sure they have some connection to SFF. Thanks.

 

[Glitch]

Careful now, don't upset The Judge!

Poetry's not really my thing, but I'm intrigued.

I agree mostly with Karn. The first didn't read well for my liking. The second seemed better, but I felt it lost its charm towards the end. Same with the third, the last two lines seemed out of place.

 

[Hex]

I don't know much about poetry so you may like to ignore me. The last one is my favourite. Bouncy and straightforward in a way that really works for the topic.

The ghost didn't work in my accent (but that doesn't mean much)

There is a ghost in the corner office
But we don’t mind him at all
Although he often smirks or scoffs at us this didn't scan perfectly for me -- I think it's a bit long? Though it may not be...
We know he’ll be there if we fall this seemed a tiny bit vague -- he'll catch us if we fall?

There is a ghost that haunts this little house
But its nice to have him here
He’s sneaky and cheeky just like a mouse
We know there’s nothing we should fear this didn't scan for me, though if you replaced 'we should' with 'to' it would scan

There is a ghost lurking somewhere close by something threw me about this line and I don't know exactly why -- it's not what I expected
Though I often can't guess where
He is often quiet and always shy
Still we know he always cares.

The topic of the poem is nice -- it's not completely my thing and I want to know how the narrator knows all these cute little ghosts won't harm her -- but that's taking it further than it should go!

Serenity
I tread the path that once we walked
with hopes to find you there
I count the song birds as they flocked
as off they fly to where
my heart once held within its arms
that sweetest to embrace
as I fell victim to your charms
enraptured by your face

I sigh soft sighs o're little pond
that once we thought a lake
I seek with heart that has no eyes
what some young thief did take
where have all the rabbits gone
and where have fled the doves?
here I lie and ramble long
while playing with my gloves um... 'gloves' didn't work for me. They seemed to be there just to rhyme with 'doves'

sweet life come back to me
kind sun shed on your rays
kind love return what once you took
what I so loving gave

Hope this is slightly helpful!