Opening setion 1st half - wth added parent power!

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Bowler1

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Charlie Kerr wondered if departure lounges had changed much over the years. This one seemed to be a copy of the last and the one before that; strip lighting, hard seating and air conditioning too cold for comfort. To make matters worse the space carrier was hours late and there was still no news as to when he and his family might depart.

Charlie was returning from the nearest coffee bar after fetching sandwiches and coffee for his wife and himself. He had even bought some fruit for Lizzie, their daughter but he did not expect her to eat anything. Lizzie had been in full tantrum mode for the last few hours crying and screeching. To begin with the other passengers nearby seemed sympathetic but was soon replaced with accusing stares, as Lizzie powered on with everything her lungs could manage. Trisha had coped well smiling nicely at those around her while Charlie seethed in badly repressed anger. Slowly a ring of empty seats grew around the family; no bad thing as far as Charlie was concerned.

Finally Lizzie had cried herself out and had fallen into an exhausted sleep. Trisha had asked Charlie to get some food and very strong coffee. It had taken longer than expected as there had been a long queue and a badly understaffed counter, no robots for some reason and Charlie was too tired to bother asking why. As he got closer to where his family were he could see Trisha had nodded off and panicked for a moment worried about Lizzie. Lizzie however was just fine, sitting up wide awake beside her mother.

‘Hello Lizzie, daddies back, did you miss me?’

She just stared at Charlie her eyes still red from earlier, looking away almost shyly. This was not the reaction he had expected from his daughter and had him wondering if she was alright; when Trisha started to wake up.

‘Hey hon, it took a while but I have some coffee for you and it’s still hot’.

‘Whaaa, ohhh, yes….thank you Charlie’ mumbled Trisha, she was still dopey and not fully awake.

Charlie smiled and started unloading his tray being careful to keep the hot coffee out of Lizzie’s reach.

‘There you go hon, just here on this side if that’s ok.’

‘What this?’ asked Trisha as she looked suspiciously at the filling between the bread.

‘All that was left, I’d just eat and hope for the best if I were you’ laughed Charlie while Trisha pulled a face. Her blonde hair was sticking out in tufts as she yawned loudly, finally giving Charlie a weak smile.

‘Look what I got for you Lizzie, banana?’

‘Nooo, no nana’.

Lizzie’s bad mood still lurked under the blonde angle like surface; he would have to be careful with her still.

‘No banana then. Where has Nannybot gone?’ asked Charlie, noticing for the first time that their robot was not in sight.

Trisha gave Charlie her grumpy look ‘God, not again’.

‘I’ll get it don’t worry’ said Charlie, as he linked his internal systems to the robot and quickly discovered where it was.

‘Next time we get top of the line and I won’t listen to you. We don’t need the upgrade, it’s a sales gimmick!’ said Trisha in a mocking tone, clearly very angry.

‘I’ll go get it, I won’t be long’ replied Charlie, deciding not to rise to his wife’s remarks. He grabbed his coffee as he left; Trisha was always grumpy after waking up and usually just needed a little time. Or so Charlie hoped, it had been a long day.

NannyBot was not far away and Charlie soon found the small soft pastel yellow robot standing beside one of the few plants in the waiting area. He was not surprised to see a small 3D Ad Flyer hovering near the robots eyes; they had been disruption NannyBot’s programming all day. When he got close enough he waved the small flyer away and it darted off quickly.

‘Hello Charlie, have you been to Star Coffee. Star Coffee serves nothing but fresh brewed coffee and the finest food; just for you’ said NannyBot using her best soothing tones.

‘I don’t think so; I’ve just been there Nanny’.

‘You could always try Murphys. There’s always a friendly welcome in an Irish bar’ replied the robot, in a very poor Irish accent.

‘NannyBot, silent mode’, Charlie had enough for now.

It was then something hanging from the plant that caught Charlie’s attention. It was on the lowest branch and it looked like Lizzie’s tag. This explained why the robot was here but how or why the tag got here really confused Charlie and he stood staring at it, completely baffled for almost a minute.

It was then Charlie heard someone laughing close by and angry, Charlie turned and stared.

There was a dark man of Indian origin sitting in one of the nearest seats and he said something in a language Charlie did not understand. His internal systems soon had a translation, ‘I’m sorry, I really am but you just looked so funny’ the man had said, speaking in Punjab.

‘What’s so funny’ asked Charlie in halting Punjab; He was still very angry and the man raised his hands trying to calm Charlie.

‘I was trying to mind my own business, I promise I really was. Please let me explain’.

Nodding, Charlie waited to hear what he had to say.

‘A few minutes ago, a little girl ran over here just beside the plant. I was just beginning to wonder if she was lost when the robot turned up so I thought everything was fine. The next time I looked up, it was just the robot standing there. Then you came along. When I saw you with the tag and that look on your face, well, I thought that the little girl is you’re first child, is she?’ asked the man.

‘Yes she is’ replied Charlie, still a little confused.

‘I have a little more experience if you don’t mind me saying so’ said the man pointing toward what were clearly his family asleep on the seats beside him. ‘You’ll discover that, ahhh, well…..their not always as cute as they seem’.

Charlie understood and laughed, ‘I see’.

‘Sorry, but it was funny’.

‘Ya, I guess it was. Listen, I apologise, I’m Charlie by the way’ said Charlie, switching his coffee to his other hand so he could shake hands with the stranger.

‘I’m Mastveer, it’s good to meet you’, shaking hands.

‘Are you starting a new life, you and all your family?’ asked Charlie.

‘Oh yes, a new life, it’s a big change. But not all my family, my little one, she will follow later’ said Mastveer, ‘she is with my sister until she joins us later’.

It took a second for Charlie to realise what Mastveer was saying. He had left his daughter behind and it would be years before she would be old enough to travel and join her family again. Suspended animation was not for young children; their brains were not fully developed. The minimum age was eight years old.


After this he chats a little bit more, then Lizzie starts up again. Charlie goes back to his family and decides not to mention the tag issue to his already tired and stressed wife.

So, better?
 
Charlie was returning from the nearest do you need?coffee bar after fetching sandwiches and coffee for his wife and himself. He had even bought some fruit for Lizzie, their daughter, but he did not expect her to eat anything. Lizzie had been in full tantrum mode for the last few hours crying and screeching - i don't think you need that, either.. To begin with, comma the other passengers nearby seemed sympathetic but was soon tense shift you could try but soon that was ? replaced with accusing stares, as Lizzie powered on with everything her lungs could manage. Trisha had coped well, comma smiling nicely at those around her while Charlie seethed in badly repressed anger. Slowlycomma a ring of empty seats grew around the family; no bad thing as far as Charlie was concerned.

Finallycomma; I try not to use finally now, everytime I do someone tells me off for it..... Lizzie had cried herself out and had fallen into an exhausted sleep. Trisha had asked Charlie to get some food and very strong coffee.the change back to the opening action threw me slightly. maybe, That was when Trisha had asked...? It had taken longer than expected as there had been a long queue and a badly understaffed counter, no robots for some reason and Charlie was too tired to bother asking why. that last sentence seemed longer than it needed to be.What about> The long queue and understaffed counter meant it had taken longer than expected. There weren't even any robots, and Charlie was too tired to ask why. ?

As he got closer to where his family were, comma, although I suspect you could lose where and were, and also save the repetition he could see Trisha had nodded off and panicked for a moment,comma worried about Lizzie. Lizzie however was just fine, sitting up wide awake beside her mother. again, it feels like there are a couple too many words; Lizzie, though, was sitting beside her mother, wide awake. Do we need to know she's just fine?

‘Hello Lizzie, daddiesdaddy's I think; Daddies is the plural, and the apostrophe here indicates the is, or you coudl have Daddy is back, did you miss me?’

She just stared at Charlie, her eyes still red from earlier, looking awayI'm a little confused, she's staring at him but she's looking away. almost shyly. This was not the reaction he had expected from his daughter and had him wondering if she was alright;no ; it's not a new statement. I'd do "this wasn't the reaction he had expected for his daughter. As he was wondering if she was all right, Trisha started to wake up." when Trisha started to wake up.

‘Hey hon, it took a while but I have some coffee for youI'm stick a comma here, I think there's a natural pause in the speech. and it’s still hot’.

‘Whaaa, ohhh, yes….thank you Charlie, comma’ mumbled Trisha, she was still dopey and not fully awake. either mumbled Trisha, still not fully awake or mumbled Trisha. She was still dopey and not fully awake. (prob. she seemed actually cos it's from his pov)

Charlie smiled and started unloading his tray, comma being careful to keep the hot coffee out of Lizzie’s reach.

‘There you go hon, just here on this side if that’s ok.’

‘What this?’ asked Trishacomma as she looked suspiciously at the filling between the bread.

‘All that was left,either full stop or semi colon I’d just eat and hope for the best if I were you, comma, you need a punctuation tag before a "’ laughed Charlie while Trisha pulled a face. Her blonde hair was sticking out in tufts as she yawned loudly, finally giving Charlie a weak smile.

‘Look what I got for you Lizzie,a banana?’

‘Nooo, no nana’.full stop inside "

Lizzie’s bad mood still lurked under the blonde angleangel, actually angelic surface would work well like surface; he would have to be careful with her still.

‘No banana then. Where has Nannybot gone?’ asked Charlie, noticing for the first time that their robot was not in sight.

Trisha gave Charlie her grumpy look ‘God, not again’.comma inside " Sorry, won't mention it again. :)

‘I’ll get it don’t worry, (ok just once ;))’ said Charlie, as he linked his internal systems to the robot and quickly discovered where it was.

‘Next time we get top of the line and I won’t listen to you. We don’t need the upgrade, it’s a sales gimmick!’ said Trisha in a mocking tone, clearly very angryI can tell she's not happy from the words..

‘I’ll go get it I won’t be long’ replied Charlie, deciding not to rise to his wife’s remarks. He grabbed his coffee as he left; Trisha was always grumpy after waking up and usually just needed a little time. Or so Charlie hoped, it had been a long day.

I find your punctation is knocking me off. I think it should be something like this:
"I'll go get it. I won't be long," replied Charlie, deciding not to rise to his wife's remarks. He grabbed his coffee as he left: Trisha was always grumpy after waking up, and usually just needed a little time. Or so Charlie hoped; it had been a long day.




NannyBot was not far away and - I don't think you need this.Charlie soon found the small soft pastel yellow robot standing beside one of the few plants in the waiting area. He was not surprised to see a small 3D Ad Flyer hovering near the robots eyes; they had been disruptioning? NannyBot’s programming all day. When he got close enough he waved the small flyer away and it darted off quickly.

‘Hello Charlie, have you been to Star Coffee.? Star Coffee serves nothing but fresh brewed coffee and the finest food; just for you;) said NannyBot using her best soothing tones.

‘I don’t think so; I’ve just been there Nanny’.

‘You could always try Murphys. There’s always a friendly welcome in an Irish bar’ replied the robot, in a very poor Irish accent.

‘NannyBot, silent mode’, Charlie had enough for now.

It was then something hanging from the plant that caught Charlie’s attention. It was on the lowest branch and it looked like Lizzie’s tag. This explained why the robot was here but how or why the tag got here really confused Charlie and he stood staring at it, completely baffled for almost a minute.

It was then Charlie heard someone laughing close by and angry, Charlie turned and stared.

There was a dark man of Indian origin sitting in one of the nearest seats and he said something in a language Charlie did not understand. His internal systems soon had a translation, ‘I’m sorry, I really am but you just looked so funny’ the man had said, speaking in Punjab.

‘What’s so funny’ asked Charlie in halting Punjab; heHe was still very angry and the man raised his hands trying to calm Charlie.

‘I was trying to mind my own business, I promise I really was. Please let me explain’.

Nodding, Charlie waited to hear what he had to say.

‘A few minutes ago, a little girl ran over here just beside the plant. I was just beginning to wonder if she was lost when the robot turned up so I thought everything was fine. The next time I looked up, it was just the robot standing there. Then you came along. When I saw you with the tag and that look on your face, well, I thought that the little girl is you’re first child, is she?’ asked the man.

‘Yes she is’ replied Charlie, still a little confused.

‘I have a little more experience if you don’t mind me saying so’ said the man pointing toward what were clearly his family asleep on the seats beside him. ‘You’ll discover that, ahhh, well…..theirthey're not always as cute as they seem’.

Charlie understood and - not sure you need that laughed, ‘I see’.

‘Sorry, but it was funny’.

‘Ya, I guess it was. Listen, I apologise, I’m Charlie by the way’ said Charlie, switching his coffee to his other hand so he could shake hands with the stranger.

‘I’m Mastveer, it’s good to meet you’, shaking hands.

‘Are you starting a new life, you and all your family?’ asked Charlie.

‘Oh yes, a new life, it’s a big change. But not all my family, my little one, she will follow later’ said Mastveer, ‘she is with my sister until she joins us later’.

It took a second for Charlie to realise what Mastveer was saying. He had left his daughter behind and it would be years before she would be old enough to travel and join her family again. Suspended animation was not for young children; their brains were not fully developed. The minimum age was eight years old.


After this he chats a little bit more, then Lizzie starts up again. Charlie goes back to his family and decides not to mention the tag issue to his already tired and stressed wife.

So, better?

Hi Bowler, sorry lots and lots of red above. Better in terms of Charlie, I think, although Lizzie has lost a lot of the behaviour that made her recognisably a toddler. (I liked the booja, booja).

I think there are a few things that recurred a lot, mainly around punctuation

Dialogue punctuation:

"Hi, Lizzie," said Charlie, "it's good to see you." So both the comma and full stop are inside the speechmarks. The comma either side of said Charlier indicates the sentence runs on, hence why it's has no capital.

or

"Hi, Lizzie, it's good to see you." again it ends within the speech mark.

or

"Hi, Lizzie, it's good to see you," said Charlie. this time the full stop to end the sentence is outside the speech mark cos it's run on.


commas: I think you've got to wondering about comma splices and are now leaving out a lot of commas that are neccessary. Basically, if there is a brief pause in the natural speech there shoudl be a comma - I often read mine back aloud to see if they fall where they should do.

So;

I typed an answer to Bowler and hoped it was okay. no comma

I typed an answer to Bowler and, before I sent it, hoped it was okay. Comma highlights the inflection.

This though, is (I think) a comma splice, and someone might well correct me:

"I typed an answer to Bowler, hoped it was okay." So where I would normally use a linking word, an and or but for instance, I've missed it and linked the two ends of the sentence with a break instead.

where I find really useful on the site is the workshop, there's loads of info in there about punctuation etc, and when in doubt, it's where I scurry off to.

Hope it was some help. Sorry about all the red.
 
I think, although Lizzie has lost a lot of the behaviour that made her recognisably a toddler. (I liked the booja, booja).

I agree with springs. I think Lizzie's mischief relaxed the story a little, for the reader anyway.

I think you have pulled too much out; personally I feel the original story had more charm. This one seems a little colder with regards to the family dynamic.

I'm not a published author, so feel free to ignore any of the following.

Charlie Kerr wondered if departure lounges had changed much over the years. This one seemed to be a copy of the last and the one before that; strip lighting, hard seating and air conditioning too cold for comfort. To make matters worse the space carrier was hours late and there was still no news as to when he and his family might depart.

This says 'info dump' to me. I know this is roughly the same opening, but it seems more apparent now that it's a separate paragraph. Perhaps have this where Charlie goes looking for the NannyBot.

Charlie was returning from the nearest coffee bar after fetching sandwiches and coffee for his wife and himself.

This doesn't quite read right to me. I think you can safely leave out where he is returning from, the sandwiches and coffee tell us what we need to know.

He had even bought some fruit for Lizzie, their daughter but he did not expect her to eat anything.

This tells me that Charlie wouldn't normally buy fruit for Lizzie. If so I would have thought he would expect her to eat it.

I would generalise the above, adding a little extra to compliment the husband and wife dynamic - Charlie returned to the seating area with a tray full of food and drink. He was trying to remember which coffee was which. His wife Trisha was quite picky about her coffee.

Trisha had asked Charlie to get some food and very strong coffee.

This could go. We already know Charlie went to get food and drink, and it conflicts with a later line "I have some coffee for you".

‘There you go hon, just here on this side if that’s ok.’

Charlie is starting to come across as quite subservient. If that's not the intention I would take this out.

he linked his internal systems to the robot

I still don't like 'internal systems'. Maybe change to implant? - 'he linked his implant to the robot'

Or something a little bit extra - He activated his implant and queried the airport's system. It took a moment, but the system soon located the NannyBot.

‘Next time we get top of the line and I won’t listen to you. We don’t need the upgrade, it’s a sales gimmick!’ said Trisha in a mocking tone, clearly very angry.

This line still bugs me, doesn't quite read well on the first pass.

He was not surprised to see a small 3D Ad Flyer hovering near the robots eyes; they had been disruption NannyBot’s programming all day.

I'm not keen on '3D Ad Flyer'. Can you call it something else?

‘A few minutes ago, a little girl ran over here just beside the plant. I was just beginning to wonder if she was lost when the robot turned up so I thought everything was fine. The next time I looked up, it was just the robot standing there. Then you came along. When I saw you with the tag and that look on your face, well, I thought that the little girl is you’re first child, is she?’ asked the man.

This restates something you just told us. Even though this would be true to life, you don't need to repeat it.

If you want to keep the line you could have the man interrupt Charlie after he shuts up the robot. With the man leading Charlie to finding Lizzie's tag.

It took a second for Charlie to realise what Mastveer was saying. He had left his daughter behind and it would be years before she would be old enough to travel and join her family again. Suspended animation was not for young children; their brains were not fully developed. The minimum age was eight years old.

This reads like an info dump and a repeat of what we just found out.
 
Charlie Kerr wondered if departure lounges had changed much over the years. This one seemed to be a copy of the last and the one before that;<--This sentance jarred a little, I think it could be improved. Perhaps a comma before the 'and' would work? strip lighting, hard seating, and air conditioning too cold for comfort. To make matters worse the space carrier was hours late and there was still no news as to when he and his family might depart.

Charlie was returning from the nearest coffee bar after fetching sandwiches and coffee for his wife and himself. He had even bought some fruit for Lizzie, their daughter, but he did not expect her to eat anything. Lizzie had been in full tantrum mode for the last few hours, crying and screeching. To begin with the other passengers nearby seemed sympathetic, but sympathy was soon replaced with accusing stares, as Lizzie powered on with everything her lungs could manage. Trisha had coped well, smiling nicely at those around her while Charlie seethed in badly repressed anger. Slowly a ring of empty seats grew around the family; no bad thing as far as Charlie was concerned.

Finally Lizzie had cried herself out and had fallen into an exhausted sleep. Trisha had asked Charlie to get some food and very strong coffee. It had taken longer than expected as there had been a long queue and a badly understaffed counter, no robots for some reason and Charlie was too tired to bother asking why.<--This sentance doesn't seem to work. Read it out loud to yourself and you'll see what I mean. As he got closer to where his family were, he could see Trisha had nodded off and panicked for a moment, worried about Lizzie. Lizzie however was just fine, sitting up, wide awake beside her mother.

‘Hello Lizzie, daddies back, did you miss me?’

She just stared at Charlie, her eyes still red from earlier; she was looking away almost shyly. This was not the reaction he had expected from his daughter, and it had him wondering if she was alright. Trisha started to wake up.

‘Hey hon, it took a while, but I have some coffee for you and it’s still hot’.

‘Whaaa,<--Is she throwing a tantrum? :D ohhh, yes<--Having an orgasm? :p….thank you Charlie’ mumbled Trisha. She was still dopey and not fully awake.

Charlie smiled and started unloading his tray, being careful to keep the hot coffee out of Lizzie’s reach.

‘There you go hon, just here on this side if that’s ok?

‘What this?’ asked Trisha as she looked suspiciously at the filling between the bread.<--Would it not read better as: ...she looked suspiciously at the sandwich, opening it to peer at its filling? ... Or something along those lines. I don't feel that 'between the bread' works, somehow.

‘All that was left, I’d just eat and hope for the best if I were you’ said Charlie, laughing, amused. Trisha pulled a face. Her blonde hair was sticking out in tufts as she yawned loudly, finally giving Charlie a weak smile.<--Charlie was laughing a moment ago; why is he now smiling weakly? Has her hair begun to depress him?

‘Look what I got for you Lizzie -- a banana?’

‘Nooo, no nana’.

Lizzie’s bad mood still lurked under the blonde angle like surface; he would have to be careful with her still.<--This sentance confused me. What's a blonde angle like surface? And the last part reminded me of Yoda: 'he would have to be careful with her still, young Skywalker.' Would: 'he would still have to be careful with her' not read better?

‘No banana then. Where's Nannybot gone?’ asked Charlie, noticing for the first time that their robot was not in sight.

Trisha gave Charlie her grumpy look ‘God, not again’.

‘I’ll get it, don’t worry’ said Charlie, as he linked his internal systems to the robot, and quickly discovered where it was.

‘Next time we get top of the line. I won’t be listening to you again, with your: We don’t need the upgrade, it’s a sales gimmick!’ said Trisha in a mocking tone, clearly very angry.

‘I’ll go get it, I won’t be long’ replied Charlie, deciding not to rise to his wife’s remarks. He grabbed his coffee, and left. Trisha was always grumpy after waking up, and usually just needed a little time ... or so Charlie hoped. It had been a long day, after all.

NannyBot was not far away and Charlie soon found the small, soft pastel yellow robot standing beside one of the few plants in the waiting area. He was not surprised to see a small 3D Ad Flyer hovering near the robots eyes; they had been disruption<--Disrupting, or: a disruption to ... it doesn't work, otherwise. NannyBot’s programming all day. When he got close enough he waved the small flyer away and it darted off quickly.

‘Hello Charlie, have you been to Star Coffee. Star Coffee serves nothing but fresh brewed coffee and the finest food; just for you’ said NannyBot using her best soothing tones.

‘I don’t think so; I’ve just been there Nanny’.<--What doesn't he think? The question was: have you been to Star Coffee, so why doesn't he think so when he clearly has been?

‘You could always try Murphys. There’s always a friendly welcome in an Irish bar’ replied the robot, in a very poor Irish accent.

‘NannyBot, silent mode.' Charlie had had<--I don't like the repetition of the 'had' here, but unfortunately it's required if you want that sentance to work. enough for now.

It was then something hanging from the plant that caught Charlie’s attention.<--This sentance doesn't work. Maybe: At that moment, something hanging from one of the plants caught... Notice I've said 'one of the plants', here. It's because a particular plant hasn't been introduced at this point. It was on the lowest branch and it looked like Lizzie’s tag. This explained why the robot was here, but how or why the tag got here really confused Charlie. He stood staring at it, completely baffled for almost a minute.<--Do you need 'for almost a minute', here? I think it reads better without it.

It was then Charlie heard someone laughing close by and angry,<--Yoda's sneaking back in, isn't he... :D How about: Charlie heard someone close by, laughing angrily? Then again, is it even possible to have an angry laugh? Would it not be maniacal, or malevolent, instead? Charlie turned and stared.

There was a dark man of Indian origin<--Dark Indian man, instead? That would explain his origins, and improve the sentance structure. sitting in one of the nearest seats. He said something in a language Charlie didn't (personal preference, here) understand. His internal systems soon had a translation: ‘I’m sorry, I really am, but you just looked so funny, the man had said, speaking in Punjab.

‘What’s so funny? asked Charlie in halting Punjab; He was still very angry and the man raised his hands trying to calm Charlie.<--This sentance jarred. I didn't realise he was angry in the first place; you hadn't mentioned it.

‘I was trying to mind my own business, I promise, I really was. Please let me explain’.

Nodding, Charlie waited to hear what he had to say.

‘A few minutes ago, a little girl ran over here; I noticed her beside the plant. I was just beginning to wonder if she was lost when the robot turned up, so I thought everything was fine. The next time I looked up, it was just the robot standing there. Then you came along. When I saw you with the tag and that look on your face, well, I thought that the little girl is you’re first child, is she?’ asked the man.<--If this is what he thought, why was he laughing angrily, earlier?

‘Yes she is’ replied Charlie, still a little confused.<--Charlie was confused, then he was angry - now he's confused, again. I wish he'd make his mind up. ;)

‘I have a little more experience if you don’t mind me saying so’ said the man pointing toward what were clearly his family asleep on the seats beside him. ‘You’ll discover that, ahhh, well…..their not always as cute as they seem’.<--This needs better structure - but I'm not sure how to advise you, as I'm struggling to understand what you're trying to say, here. I can make sense of the fact that his family are asleep next to him, but why does he feel he's more experienced than Charlie? And the last part, from: 'You'll discover...' threw me completely.

Charlie understood and laughed, ‘I see’.

‘Sorry, but it was funny’.

‘Ya, I guess it was. Listen, I apologise. I’m Charlie by the way,’ said Charlie, switching his coffee to his other hand so he could shake hands with the stranger.

‘I’m Mastveer, it’s good to meet you’, shaking hands.<--Who's this shaking hands fellow? Is that Charlie's new nickname? :rolleyes:

‘Are you starting a new life, you and all your family?’ asked Charlie.

‘Oh yes, a new life. It’s a big change. But not all my family - my little one, she will follow later, said Mastveer, ‘she is with my sister until she joins us later’.

It took a second for Charlie to realise what Mastveer was saying. He had left his daughter behind, and it would be years before she would be old enough to travel and join her family again. Suspended animation was not for young children; their brains were not fully developed. The minimum age was eight years old.


I hope this helps, and I hope all the red isn't too disconcerting. With some editing this could definitely work, though; I like where it seems to be going. However, it is still very rough at the moment, and can certainly be improved upon.

I'd like to see the edited version of this, because if you can get it right, it could turn into a very interesting story, indeed.

Happy writing!
 
Thank you all very much guys.

I think I need to digest all the recent comments and work on my prose for a while but it is good to know that people like what I have put up so far.

I have been reading recently and have found myself looking at sentance structure, this SFF Chron is speeping into my daily life - araghhh......

I will carry on chipping away for now and there will be more to follow, stay tuned!
 
That's always the way, Bowler. I've changed my writing hugely since joining SFF Chrons. It also starts to make you a bit overly fussy when reading other people's work. You pick up on things that would not have phased you before.
 
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