Hi Jammill, I'm not experienced with screen plays, but read a lot of theather.
ON SCREEN TEXT
March 13, 1987
Manchester, England
The room containing two single beds and a desk is lit by a single lamp.
We see DAVID WISE, sat up in bed smoking a joint, now approaching fourteen years old.i know you said not to, but how do I know it's a joint and not a roll up, one says danger, one says broke.
David is watching NICHOLAS WISE, who is lay awake in his own bed.
While David looks a little older than he is, and is tall and heavily built,this would drive me mad as a casting director; what if I get the perfect david and he's just tall. (like biff - john malkovich, way too old for the descriptor's, but inspired) Nicholas is just an average thirteen year old.
NICHOLAS
She's gonna be here soon David.
(BEAT)
I can feel it.
David takes another drag of his joint, not looking impressed.
DAVID
Guess it had to happen one day.
(BEAT)
Do you ever think you got it the
wrong way round when we chose mum
over him?
Nicholas smiles.
NICHOLAS
Not once.
(BEAT)
Do you?
David shrugs.
DAVID
I didn't get a vote Nicky. I just
let you do your thing and watch
your back, same as always.
NICHOLAS
Don't say it like that. You know
I'll always listen to what you've
got to say, you know I'll always
take your advice.one or other got to say/take your advice would do it for me.
DAVID
Yeah. But I know it won't change
your mind if you've already decided.
David finishes his joint and puts it out.
Besides, I didn't like either of
them, so I couldn’t’ve give less of
a **** which one you chose.
(BEAT)
I'm only doing this for you bruv.
As the brother's make eye contact it is obvious how subservient David is.i like this, and I know it goes against all prose, but as a producer/director it'll be up to me how I showed it.
It is also obvious how grateful Nicholas is for his loyalty.
David slowly rolls his head back, until he is looking at the ceiling.
DAVID
I think he was right when he said
not to trust her though, so you be
careful when mum sends whoever it is
she's sending.
(BEAT)
Especially if this herald is gonna
talk to her when we can't do that
any more.
David makes eye contact with Nicholas again
NICHOLAS
You don't trust her yourself do you?I can't quite place where the accent is from; ok so now i see manchurian, and that makes sense I read this line first as Irish/scots and the influence is there, I like this line.
DAVID
No, but you do.
(BEAT)
I'm glad I can't hear the bitch.
And when I get stoned now it's cos
its fun, and not just to keep her
voice out of my head no more.this almost sounded like an aside to me. like the no but you do is the public bit, the other a little more sly.
Nicholas sits up in his bed.
NICHOLAS
Then how can you do this, especially
when you know what we're gonna have
to do? What's gonna happen when she
gets here?
David is upset thinking about that.
DAVID
Because I trust you more than I
hate her.
(BEAT)
And I know you wouldn't let them die
if they didn't need to. I know you
love them as much as I still do. i'd like a little more subtlety. particularly the trust/hate.
David turns his back on Nicholas to face the wall.
David is hiding that fact he is starting to cry.
Nicholas turns the lamp off and settles down to sleep.good; like this.
INT. SOCIAL SERVICES OFFICE. MANCHESTER - MORNING
We see a young blonde woman sneaking into the office, the clock on the wall showing it is only do you need this? 7:15.
She heads straight to a locked filing cabinet, using a LOCK-PICK to open it, the camera not showing her face yet.
Hurriedly and nervously, the woman searches through the files, before removing two.
We see from the names on the folders that they are the records for David and Nicholas Barnhart, and their adoption.
The young woman closes the cabinet and rushes out of the office.
INT. CORRIDOR. SOCIAL SERVICES - MANCHESTER
The young woman closes the door, a CLEANING CART left unattended outside the office door.
As the woman hides the files away on her cart we see her face for the first time.
It is CHRISTINE WISE (now 19), and she pushes the cart away from the office door to continue her cleaning.
EXT. MILITARY CHECKPOINT. DUBLIN - MORNING
ON SCREEN TEXT
Dublin, Ireland
We see a DECREPIT CAR as it slowly approaches a MILITARY CHECKPOINT.
0k, so I did a diatribe about how this couldn't be ireland in the late 80s and now I see its an alternate reality. I think if you want it to be controversial, it'll work, but it may not be recieved well in Ireland. (unless it's a comedy...)
From the uniforms of the EIGHT HEAVILY ARMED SOLDIERS, and the UNION JACK flying above the checkpoint, it is obviously BRITISH.
The SERGEANT waves the car we are focusing on over for a thorough inspection.
The car is being driven by an eighteen year old brunette with long hair, JACCINDER O'CONNOR.
Jaccinder pulls her car over and gets out, placing her hands on the bonnet, used to having to do this.
As three soldiers, one carrying a mirror on a stick, come over to the car the rear passenger side door opens.
Jaccinder's younger sister, SARAH O'CONNOR, gets out of the car as well.
Sarah is also a brunette, with bobbed hair, and is sixteen.
The soldier with the mirror starts checking underneath the car for explosives.
The Sergeant walks over to Jaccinder.
SERGEANT
Ah, Miss O'Connor, again.
(BEAT)
What business do you have in Dublin
today?
Jaccinder turns to face the sergeant, annoyed.
JACCINDER
I'm going to University, same as I
am every day when you stop me.
The Sergeant smirks.
SERGEANT
Are you carrying any prohibited
republican literature? Any guns,
explosives or other weapons?
Jaccinder just looks at the sergeant, as the soldier with the mirror gets closer.
Jaccinder steps out of the way as the soldier with the mirror checks underneath the car.
JACCINDER
Look how **** my car is. If this is
the best I can afford how the hell
am I gonna pay for a new one if I
blow it up?
SERGEANT
We ask the questions here misscapital M
O'Connor not you. I would say
there's no need for you to be so,
troublesome, but I know that runs
in your family.
(BEAT)
Well, it did, until we killed your
dad and took back the rest of the
country anyway.
open the boot? Check in the engine bonnet? Check any bags? Glove box?
Jaccinder glares angrily at the Sergeant as one of the three soldiers walks up to him.
SOLDIER
She's cleancomma sir
SERGEANT
I thought she would be.
(BEAT)
It seems you can leave now Miss
O'Connor.
A visibly angry Jaccinder gets in the car and starts the spluttering engine with a kick of smoke.
Sarah gets in the back of the car and shuts the door.
The sergeant puts his hand on the roof of the car, smirking.
SERGEANT
We'll see you again on the way out.
As Jaccinder's car pulls away the Sergeant motions for the guard to raise the barrier.
As Jaccinder drives through we see a CHALLENGER TANK and two ARMOURED PERSONNEL CARRIERS parked up on the other side of the checkpoint.
Through the back window, we Sarah putting two fingers up at the army officers.
We track out as Jaccinder's car accelerates away from the checkpoint.
We track right back showing us a view of the entire city, the ring of checkpoints surrounding it topped with Union Jacks.
This shows that Dublin, like the whole of Ireland, is under a full British military occupation.why choose Ireland? it's an obvious target, and we can be a prickly lot...
INT. WISE FAMILY KITCHEN. MANCHESTER - MORNING
Thomas, Nicholas and David Wise are sat at the table, David wearing his SCHOOL UNIFORM.
Stood by the stove making breakfast is Laura Wise, a black and white TV beside her.
Nicholas is watching the TV screen as his father reads the newspaper.
We see a MALE NEWS REPORTER outside 10 DOWNING STREET on the screen.
MALE REPORTER (from TV)
Prime Minister Hawthorne is
currently meeting with members of
his cabinet to discuss the arrival
of the US envoy later this week.
David swigs down the last of his coffee and gets up from the table.
It is hoped the exchange of envoys,
which started with Lord Vaughan's
meeting with President Greene late
last month, will normalise relations
between the United Sates and the
Commonwealth.
David walks up to Laura and kisses his mother goodbye, taking a slice of toast with him as he leaves for school.
If all goes well, and the embassies
reopen as planned, it will mark the
end of the cold war between the two
largest superpowers which started
almost thirteen years ago following
the Ontario missile crisis.
On the TV, we see a split screen with the reporter talking to the ANCHORMAN in the studio.
ANCHORMAN
Are there any indications yet as to
how the True World movement's
co-ordinated attacks on the US
Airforce bases in Germany and
Holland last week might affect the
meeting later today.
Laura brings the breakfast plates over to Nicholas and Thomas.
MALE REPORTER
Even though the True World movement
have yet to act openly against the
Commonwealth, security has been
stepped up surrounding the meeting.
(BEAT)
Politically, some analysts believe
that the continued success of the
terrorist group, and their long
rumoured links to the communist
superpowers in Russia and China,
may be the driving force behind the
US attempts to bolster its strained
ties with the Commonwealth.
Laura switches off the TV.
The BACK DOOR opens, Christine coming in.
CHRISTINE
Morning.
As Christine sits at the table Nicholas is watching her intently.
CHRISTINE
I picked that thing up for you, its
in the car. Hurry up and finish your
breakfast or you'll be late for uni.
(BEAT)
I'll drop you off on my way.[/QUOTE]
okay, interesting, I can follow it easily, the accents are good all the way though, the dialogue flows. I had difficulty with the ireland bit - it seemed an obvious one to show, and I'd like a bit more subtlety, but that may be because I picked it up straight away that it wasn't plausible; others may take longer (mainly cos of a border whose nuances don't always carry; so if it had been set in parts of the north, only the tanks at the end woudl have shown it as a alternate reality, and I think for showing it's not quite right - some of the subtlety might have been lost.) There are easier places to show this than Ireland - France under the eiffel tower, and everyone picks up it's wrong, here I think it's confusing. And accents don't help - I'm taken as Irish, scottish, english, and very, very occasionally Northern Irish (which I am, born and bred.)
