short excerpt

[Jo Zebedee]

I did a bit of work trying to bring WIP closer to the characters. So, this is the sort of level of closeness I've been getting to, and I'm wondering is it still distanced from the character. The scenario, upstart soldier, caught breaking rules, extra duties for 2 weeks, this is the first one at the end of his first day of training. That's about it, and this is a stand alone scene. Silom is his mate, Stitt his drill sergeant, Eevan in charge of the army.




Kare rocked back, onto his knees, and threw his cloth into the dirty water beside him. He had never been so tired in his life. All he wanted to do was sleep. He heard voices behind him, but didn’t turn, couldn’t turn, his muscles were so sore. He watched Stitt and Eevan walk across the wide gymnasium floor, leaving muddy footprints on it. He said nothing, waited until they’d left, and blinked, his eyes sore and grainy.

He got up, slowly, every muscle aching. He walked to the utility room. Kare emptied the dirty water, refilled the bucket and carried it back to the gym. Silently, he washed over the dirty footprints. His eyes closed at least twice, but he kept going. He finished and straightened, and thought if he had to wash it again, they’d find him asleep here in the morning. He heard footsteps and waited, resigned.

“How are you doing?” Silom knelt beside him.

“If you put one foot on that floor, I think I might kill you,” said Kare, his words slow, sluggish.
Silom looked over the wide expanse. “Did you eat?”

“I had something.” He couldn’t remember what it had been, only that he’d eaten it.

“Come on, then,” said Silom, but Kare shook his head.

“I have to report to the duty sergeant, have them check it. You go up.”

“I’ll wait. You look like you might collapse.”

Kare got up, emptied the water and went to the supervisor’s office. He knocked the door and waited until the sergeant responded. He didn’t dare lean against the door in case he fell asleep.

“Done?”

“Yes, Sergeant.”

The sergeant walked to the gym, looked at the floor. Kare waited, hoping he would say it was okay, wouldn’t make him do it again. The sergeant took his time, rubbed his chin, before he turned to Kare, and nodded. “Dismissed.”

Silom jerked his head at the stairs and Kare climbed ahead of him. When Kare reached the dorm, he walked up to his bed, untied his boots, and fell on it, without changing. He didn’t have time for any memories that night. Instead, he slept.

 

[The Judge]

springs -- you've forgotten to leave one line spacing between each para. You're within time for editing, so could you sort it out, please. Ta.


EDIT: while I'm here, seemed fine to me. I'm not sure about closeness, that is whether you are in fact close/close enough in general, but I think where you are is appropriate for this particular scene as it gives a deadening effect to it. The comma may-be-splices drive me potty, though, and a few things I could nit-pick eg "asleep here" would be better as "there" but nothing too major.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Oops. Sorted.

 

[Warren_Paul]

I get a very numb feeling reading it, which I think you are going for, right? If so, then achieved. It's getting into his mind, which is good too.

On another note, do we get to know the 'sergeant' better? I'd like to put a name to the sergeant, instead of just knowing him/her by title.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

No, this sergeant is a one off. So I didn't name him. A la star trek... numbness, I think that's right, so if it's a case of walking the scene as the character is, that's the emotions he's feeling, yes.

@TJ; oh, no, now I'm getting the dreaded comma splice habit.

 

[ctg]

Very good springs. Well done. Nothing wrong.

 

[Abernovo]

Looks good to me, springs. I like it. I agree with TJ that you might want to consider 'there' instead of 'here' in "find him asleep here in the morning".

The only other (tiny) thing I could suggest is that the sergeant might say 'okay' or 'it'll do' before dismissing him. That way he specifically tells Kare his work has been satisfactory. Simply dismissing him seems ambiguous.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Remind me to go through it more throughly later (I have grounded five year old who is unhappy about it) but what really struck me was there is a big change in your dialogue. It is much more fluid and I felt like I was part of the conversation.

To answer your question - yes for me there was more of Kare in this one that we usually get of him.

 

[HareBrain]

This feels about the right level of closeness to me, and the tiredness comes across in the way you've written him.

Just a few teensy points:

Kare rocked back, onto his knees, [been trying, and failing, to picture this. What position was he in before where he rocks back onto his knees?] and threw his cloth into the dirty water beside him. He had never been so tired in his life. All he wanted to do was sleep. He heard voices behind him, but didn’t turn, couldn’t turn, his muscles were so sore. He watched Stitt and Eevan walk across the wide gymnasium floor, leaving muddy footprints on it. He said nothing, waited until they’d left, and blinked, his eyes sore [used "sore" recently] and grainy.

He got up, slowly, every muscle aching [told us his muscles were sore recently]. He walked to the utility room. Kare [why give his name here? It makes it feel almost as if you're talking about someone other than the previous "he"] emptied the dirty water, refilled the bucket and carried it back to the gym. Silently, he washed over the dirty footprints. His eyes closed at least twice, but he kept going. He finished and straightened, and thought if he had to wash it again, they’d find him asleep here in the morning. He heard footsteps and waited, resigned.

“How are you doing?” Silom knelt beside him.

“If you put one foot on that floor, I think I might kill you,” said Kare, his words slow, sluggish.
Silom looked over the wide expanse. “Did you eat?”

“I had something.” He couldn’t remember what it had been, only that he’d eaten it.

“Come on, then,” said Silom, but Kare shook his head.

“I have to report to the duty sergeant, have them check it. You go up.”

“I’ll wait. You look like you might collapse.”

Kare got up, emptied the water and went to the supervisor’s office. He knocked the door and waited until the sergeant responded. He didn’t dare lean against the door in case he fell asleep.

“Done?”

“Yes, Sergeant.”

The sergeant walked to the gym, looked at the floor. Kare waited, hoping he would say it was okay, wouldn’t make him do it again. [I think this sorta-comma-splice works here, gives it a half-awake feeling] The sergeant took his time, rubbed his chin [but this is one too far, I think. I'd suggest "took his time, rubbing his chin"], before he turned to Kare, [I'd remove that comma: "turned to Kare and nodded" flows better.] and nodded. “Dismissed.”

Silom jerked his head at the stairs and Kare climbed ahead of him. When Kare [I can see why you might want his name here, to make sure we don't think it's Silom, but I think that's extremely unlikely, and "he" would flow better when we've only just heard his name mentioned] reached the dorm, he walked up to his bed, untied his boots, and fell on it, without changing. He didn’t have time for any memories that night. Instead, he slept.

 

[alchemist]

I think it's fine but just a couple of minor things...

Kare rocked back, onto his knees, unless you've done it deliberately to slow things, I'd drop both commas and threw his cloth into the dirty water beside him. He had never been so tired in his life. All he wanted to do was sleep. He heard voices behind him, but didn’t turn, couldn’t turn, I'd suggest two em dashes here, and italicise COULDN'T his muscles were so sore. He watched Stitt and Eevan walk across the wide gymnasium floor, leaving muddy footprints on it. He said nothing, waited until they’d left, and blinked, his eyes sore and grainy.

He got up, drop comma? slowly, every muscle aching. He walked to the utility room. Kare emptied the dirty water, refilled the bucket and carried it back to the gym. Silently, he washed over the dirty footprints. His eyes closed at least twice, but he kept going. He finished and straightened, and thought if he had to wash it again, they’d find him asleep here in the morning. He heard footsteps and waited, resigned.

“How are you doing?” Silom knelt beside him.

“If you put one foot on that floor, I think I might kill you,” said Kare, his words slow, sluggish.
Silom looked over the wide expanse. “Did you eat?”

“I had something.” He couldn’t remember what it had been, only that he’d eaten it.

“Come on, then,” said Silom, but Kare shook his head.

“I have to report to the duty sergeant, have them check it. You go up.”

“I’ll wait. You look like you might collapse.”

Kare got up, emptied the water and went to the supervisor’s office. He knocked on? the door and waited until the sergeant responded. He didn’t dare lean against the door in case he fell asleep.

“Done?”

“Yes, Sergeant.”

The sergeant walked to the gym, looked at the floor. Kare waited, hoping he would say it was okay, wouldn’t make him do it again. The sergeant took his time, rubbed his chin, before he turned to Kare, and nodded. “Dismissed.”

Silom jerked his head at the stairs and Kare climbed ahead of him. When Kare reached the dorm, he walked up to his bed, untied his boots, and fell on it, without changing. He didn’t have time for any memories that night. Instead, he slept.

See, told you it was a couple of minor points.

I think it does its job very effectively.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

That's really helpful, thanks everyone.
@HB, that Kare in the utility room has been irking me, and I didn't know why. Now I do. TY.
@ Aber, the sergeant would still formally dismiss him, though, wouldn't he? So, "It'll do. Dismissed." Something like that?

 

[Abernovo]

Yes, springs. I never meant get rid of dismissed. I should have made myself clearerer.

 

[Glen]

I really liked the atmosphere of this piece.

Kare rocked back, onto his knees...

I had to think this bit through, wasn't sure how he did this, but then figured he was on his knees to start, but now he was kneeling up. But thinking it through was a bit of a distraction.

and threw his cloth into the dirty water beside him

I wondered if specifically saying 'bucket of' dirty water might help.

his eyes sore and grainy

I know exactly what you mean, but not sure if eyes can actually be grainy. They can feel grainy for sure - interesting - this reminds me of that 'veiled words' thread. The "feels" would make more sense to me, not less.

the supervisor’s office

I liked the military feel of this story, and terms like "duty sergeant" but "supervisor" sounded a bit too much like a supermarket and he'd been doing a "clean up in aisle 3"

he walked up to his bed, untied his boots, and fell on it

I got confused by the singularism/pluralism of this (I'm sure I just made those two words up). 1 bed. two boots. fell on it (the 1 thing). btw - do you need "up" in that sentence.

I wouldn't worry about any (alleged) comma splices, whatever they might be (and I've read the explanations). The writing is excellent, and it paints a great picture, and it carries the reader along.

PS - I've tried to do multiple quotes in this post, so if it all turns into heinous heiroglyphs my apologies.

 

[Mouse]

I hope this helps a wee bit. Not read everybody else's comments yet, so sorry if there's any repeats.

Kare rocked back, onto his knees, I'd delete the first comma. But not sure how you can rock back onto knees. I would've used ankles, maybe and threw his cloth into the dirty water beside him. He had never been so tired in his life. All he wanted to do was sleep. He heard voices behind him, but didn’t turn, couldn’t turn, his muscles were so sore (nice). He watched Stitt and Eevan walk across the wide gymnasium floor, leaving muddy footprints on it. He said nothing, waited until they’d left, and blinked, his eyes sore and grainy.

He got up, slowly, I'd delete slowly cos if he's aching then he's gonna move slow every muscle aching. with the slowly gone, I'd personally put an 'and' here and delete the full stop and 'he' - seems to flow better in my head He walked to the utility room. Kare emptied the dirty water, refilled the bucket and carried it back to the gym. Silently, he washed over (away?) the dirty footprints. His eyes closed at least twice, but he kept going. He finished and straightened, and thought if he had to wash it again, they’d find him asleep (t)here in the morning. He heard footsteps and waited, resigned.

“How are you doing?” Silom knelt beside him.

“If you put one foot on that floor, I think I might kill you,” said Kare, his words slow, sluggish.

Silom looked over the wide expanse. “Did you eat?”

“I had something.” He couldn’t remember what it had been, only that he’d eaten it.

“Come on, then,” said Silom, but Kare shook his head.

“I have to report to the duty sergeant, have them check it. You go up.”

“I’ll wait. You look like you might collapse.”

Kare got up, emptied the water and went to the supervisor’s office. He knocked (on?) the door and waited until the sergeant responded. He didn’t dare lean against the door in case he fell asleep.

“Done?”

“Yes, Sergeant.”

The sergeant walked to the gym, looked at the floor. Kare waited, hoping he would say it was okay, (I know people don't like 'that's but I'd add a 'that he' here) wouldn’t make him do it again. The sergeant took his time, rubbed his chin, before he turned to Kare, and nodded. “Dismissed.”

Silom jerked his head at the stairs and Kare climbed ahead of him. When Kare reached the dorm, he walked up to his bed, untied his boots, and fell on it, without changing. He didn’t have time for any memories that night. Instead, he slept.

I like it very much, springs. No pov problems or any problems with 'closeness.' He feels very knackered to me!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Glen, Mouse, ty very much. Glen, I'm very impressed at the multi quote and will have to up my chrons skills accordingly!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

sorry for resurrecting this one.

He finished and straightened, and thought if he had to wash it again, they’d find him asleep here in the morning.

Lots of you came back and said this should be there in the morning, so I changed it. But when I reread the scene to add something today, I still wanted to read it as here. So, I wondered why is it there, when he's in the place ie the gym at the point of telling. Is it to do with that they'd find him there in the future, have I made it seem he's at a different place, or am I just totally missing something. Sorry.

 

[Mouse]

Difficult to explain but I'll have a go.

If you were writing his thoughts, you'd write 'they'll find me asleep here in the morning' but as you're writing past tense narration, it's 'there.' Does that make sense?

They'd = they would. Try reading it like that and see if you still want to say 'here.'

 

[The Judge]

Mouse has it, springs -- "here" is too much in the present tense to be used easily in past narrative. I have used it myself, and "now" which is another problem word, but never without a great deal of agonising. In this particular line it doesn't work, I don't think.


NB If you were telling this story to someone about something which had happened in the gym, you'd only use "here" if you yourself were in the gym at the same time as you were telling the story, wouldn't you? Well, you -- the narrator -- aren't there. So it's "there".

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, I get it now; it's not the positioning, it's the tense. TY, it just niggled and I knew if I didn't find out why, I'd do it again, another time.