Foreshadowing (Not long)

[Colbey Frost]

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[FONT=&quot]Does it give too much away? Does it read as info dump? Also this is part of the horror aspect I tried to put into the book, does it work? This is in chapter 2 and Diablos have only been mentioned briefly before.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Thank you in advance.

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[FONT=&quot]Bear stood for a few minutes, but something brought him back to reality. As he focused, he could hear Azazel barking. He had come to know the wolf a little and Azazel seemed to be in trouble. He gathered his senses and headed off towards the sound. Leaves and branches attacked him briefly as he ran through the forest, but he did not care as he rushed towards the busy growls and barks coming from close by.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Nearing a small clearing, he could see Azazel hunched and his red fur spiked up as he tried to make himself look bigger. Once he made sure the wolf was ok, he looked about for anything else. Straight away, just on the other side of the clearing, he could see a demon lay struggling on the floor. The Diablos almost looked human though with its arms and legs no bigger than Bear’s. Normally huge with claws and mutations, Diablos seemed to send you to hell just with their stare, but this one seemed helpless, vulnerable.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] A black naked body of a charred man lay on the floor trying to crawl. Folded up feather wings hung from its back, but they were just as broken as its body. With feathers missing and burnt, the wings were shrivelled and forlorn. Its skin bled all over and he could see a trail of blood behind it. Its flesh steamed as rain fell down. The Diablos choked, trying to speak. Bear felt no fear from the Diablos and knelt down by its side to show Azazel this too. It was most unusual, but he felt like he could help it.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Looking into its eyes, he saw a human quality that Diablos did not normally show. They sometimes looked like humans, but their desire to kill and their mutated figures often drew away from it. He took note of the pale brown eyes and spoke to it softly. “I’m Bear of Guelder, what happened to you?” knowing this to be formal, but not having any other ideas, he continued. “I mean, are you ok?”
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[FONT=&quot]Blood trickled from its mouth. “I... I... just need to be... free... Li...” it was hard for the Diablos to speak. Heavily injured and overcome with hate, it seemed to battle with its own mind as well as its body. “I... must feed.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Just relax, I can find you something.”
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] He looked around. Anything would do. He just wanted to help the thing. As he searched, the Diablos grabbed at him, small hands with jagged, sharp finger nails biting into his skin. He spun to face it, but Azazel acted first. Jumping in, the wolf locked the demon’s neck within its jaws. Both surprise and then relief came over the Diablos’s face as Azazel bit down, but the last look was that of sorrow. It looked too human for Bear and that image he knew would stay with him forever. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]With its dead eyes still looking up at him for help, he turned away.[/FONT]

 

[MemoryTale]

Is the foreshadowing that the Diablo was once human, and that by extension all Diablos were once human? Or possibly that Azazel is more than he seems? There seem to be a few ways you can go with this, so I wouldn't say it gives too much away.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Is the foreshadowing that the Diablo was once human, and that by extension all Diablos were once human? Or possibly that Azazel is more than he seems? There seem to be a few ways you can go with this, so I wouldn't say it gives too much away.

Both are correct actually, although it's mainly about the Diablos. We find out about them half way through the book. And as for Azazel, his true purpose isn't revealed until the second book, but I haven't actually written that one yet and it's not important to the plot of this book, but the Diablos are.

 

[Mouse]

I don't know if you want a full crit or not?

I agree with MT about the foreshadowing. It's a tad info-dumpy with the background info on the Diablos.

I won't do a crit, but I just thought I'd point out that wolves don't bark - at least, not like dogs do anyway.

 

[Colbey Frost]

I don't know if you want a full crit or not?

I agree with MT about the foreshadowing. It's a tad info-dumpy with the background info on the Diablos.

I won't do a crit, but I just thought I'd point out that wolves don't bark - at least, not like dogs do anyway.

Full crit would be good everyone.

As for wolves, what do they do? Plus its not fully a wolf. Do foxes bark?

EDIT: Just looked into it, wolves can bark

 

[Mouse]

Foxes kinda scream. Wolves howl - they do bark, but not for the same sort of reasons as a dog would, and they don't do it often.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Foxes kinda scream. Wolves howl - they do bark, but not for the same sort of reasons as a dog would, and they don't do it often.

Scream? This would make my wolf comical and unique... considering he becomes the size of horse..... hahahaha I like it.

 

[Mouse]

Fox scream:

(Yes, I didn't say wolves couldn't bark, I said they don't do it often.)

 

[Warren_Paul]

Hey, Christian, I think I'm on the impersonal PoV bandwagon today. But firstly was just wandering the target audience for this piece? Is it intended for YA, or middle grade even? If so, then possibly fine, but I found especially the first two paragraphs quite impersonal, like your rushing through the details and skipping over what bear actually feels and thinks, and instead just showing us what happened as an overview.

Also, I noticed about halfway through you mention rain, yet we get no impression of that beforehand. Wouldn't rain make bear a bit miserable, and running through the forest a chore? make the ground muddy and such? Bear's feelings are missing from this piece.

I don't see anything to red pen in regards to grammar. I think the foreshadowing is fine - going just off this piece. But that's a question that can't really be answered properly without reading the whole story imo.


I agree with Mouse on the barking thing, that's something that dog's do, not wolves in the wild - just like how adult cats don't meow at each other in the wild. Growl and hiss yes, but not meow. Meowing is for domestic cats and is a reflection of their communication with you as their mother/food source.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

[FONT=&quot]Bear stood for a few minutes, but something brought him back to reality As he focused, he could hear Azazel barking.i would have thought he'd have howled. He had come to know the wolf a little and Azazel seemed to be in trouble. Hewhich? The last mentioned is Azazel gathered his senses and headed off towards the sound. Leaves and branches attacked him brieflywhy briefly? because the run was short or the forest was only a component. as he ran through the forest, but he did not care as he as he/ as he rushed towards the busy growls and barks coming from close by.If this is an urgent sentence, I'd break this sentence down. [/FONT]
Leaves and branches attacked him. He ran, uncaring, through the forest towards the nearby barks and growls.
[FONT=&quot]Nearing a small clearing, he could seethis is a passive statement in an action scene. "As the bear neared the small clearing, he saw Asazel hunched, his red fur...". is more active. Azazel hunched and his red fur spiked up as he tried to make himself look bigger. Once hewho? made sure the wolf was ok, he looked about for anything else. Straight away, just on the other side of the clearing, he could see a demon layI'd lose lay, we don't need it struggling on the floor. The Diablos almost looked human though with its arms and legs no bigger than Bear’s.there's something jarring about this sentence; I think it's partly punctuation, and also I can't understand why the fact it's limbs were no bigger than a bear made it look human. Normally huge with claws and mutations, Diablos seemed to send you to hell just with their stare, but this one seemed helpless, vulnerable.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A blackcomma naked body of a charred man lay on the floorpersonally I'd stick a comma here, too trying to crawl. Folded up feather wings hung from its back, but they were just as broken as its body. With feathers missing and burnt, the wings were shrivelled and forlorn. Its skin bled all over and he could see a trail of blood behind itI'd lose the it. Its flesh steamed as rain fell down. The Diablos choked, trying to speak. Bear felt no fear from the Diablos and knelt down by its side to show Azazel this too. It was most unusual, but he felt like he could help it.there is an odd pov here. on the one hand we're distant, omnipresent, then we move to the bear's view, and I'm not sure where I should be. "The bear saw a black, naked body lying on the floor and knew it was a man, trying to crawl." this puts us firmly in the bear's pov.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]Looking into its eyes, he saw a human quality that Diablos did not normally show. They sometimes looked like humans, but their desire to killthis is a human trait, though; not a nice one, but still a trait and their mutated figures often drew away from it. He took note of the pale brown eyes and spoke to it softly. new para I think.“I’m Bear of Guelder, what happened to you?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]you move to a new statement, but without a dialogue tag.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] "What happened to you?" he asked, knowing this to be formal...[/FONT]

or

"What happened to you?" He knew this to be formal,
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] knowing this to be formal, but not having any other ideas, he continued. “I mean, are you ok?” [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Blood trickled from its mouth. “I... I... just need to be... free... Li...” Itit was hard for the Diablos to speak. Heavily injured and overcome with hate, it seemed to battle with its own mind as well as its body.whose pov? we seem in the diablos thoughts. “I... must feed.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Just relax, I can find you something.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He looked around. Anything would do.anything? He just wanted to help the thing. As he searched, the Diablos grabbed at him,; or : i think small hands with jagged, sharp finger nails biting into his skin. He spun to face it, but Azazel acted first. Jumping in, the wolf locked the demon’s neck within its jaws. Both surprise and then relief came over the Diablos’s face as Azazel bit down, but the last look was that of sorrow. It looked too human for Bear and that image he knew would stay with him forever. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]With its dead eyes still looking up at him for help, he turned away.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, Christian, it didn't work for me. I found it easy enough to follow, although I struggled with pov, but I felt led, throughout. the dialogue punctuation, around the tags, took me out of it. In terms of info, I got most of it, and it wasn't too much, but there was too much going on there in terms of close, then distant, pov, and grammar for me to really get into it. Sorry.

 

[Jacob Larch]

You're writing in a quick, choppy manner which i presume is supposed to draw the reader into the urgency of the piece, almost as if this is happening now with no time for the reader to think. Speed of wordcraft has been done before (Lovecraft was a fan of the type) with long, detailed sentences of descriptive content allowing the reader to take their time...and short, choppy sentences strung together to create a sense of pace, of unrelenting malice.

I agree with some of the content above in that you are descriptive in one sense but not in another- but you are asking us to comment based on a chapter two so I'm guessing a certain amount of exposition would have been present in chapter one, and we have to take a leap of faith (which is fine for this purpose!)

As for final comments? The story flowed, put me in the picture, and created the scene so despite personal thoughts on grammar, content, etc the style was very readable!

Jacob

 

[Colbey Frost]

Some good comments, some bad, some useful, some not at all. Thanks everyone for having a look and I will take on board what I think will help me

 

[Dozmonic]

Notes made as I read the piece:
First paragraph sounds like a fast and frantic run through difficult terrain to what's described as nearby "busy" growls and barks. I don't know what's busy about them or how he's snagging on so many branches if they're nearby

Checking the wolf is ok implies taking some time to do so - maybe better to say that he could see the wolf wasn't injured but was making itself look big to the demon across the clearing.

Diablos sounds plural but description is singular.

Repetition of seemed twice within same sentence end of 2nd para.

The demon has 3 facial expressions as it dies: fear, relief and sorrow. That's a lot to fit into a quick death. I'd probably play a bit longer on exactly what seemed human about the expression and why it would stay with him forever.

I think a second drafting after having read the piece aloud would clear all of this up easily.

Regarding foreshadowing: There's nothing overbearing and pretentious about what's going on that'd make this being a foreshadowing scene feel awkward in any way,
Regarding a horror aspect, you'd need to show just how twisted from humanity and yet how alike the Diablos can be for it to seem horrifying. Just a physical description and things like telling us that they seemed they could send us to hell isn't horrifying. Recalling a couple of lines of horror heard in a bard's song about the effect they could have on the most hardy of people would do it better in the absence of such an actual reaction here.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Christian, it's written with an urgency to get on with the story, that doesn't fuss too much with the words needed to tell it. It's story driven writing. So there's no point, to me, in picking it apart for a word here and a comma there that might be better, etc. There's no end to that sort of thing anyway, and each time one goes back to one's own text, one always keeps tweaking. It's the urgency to get on with the story that comes across, that there's a lot still to come, no time to waste. That's what matters.

Good stuff ...

 

[RJM Corbet]

Sorry to double post, but I was thinking about this last night.

It's good, strong writing. Simple words, not fancy ones, etc.

It seems to have acquired a lot of confidence since last year?

It's completely justified I think, Chris.