commas, again.

[Jo Zebedee]

The ruler of the Pettina Empire, she uses her psychic powers

The only surviving child of the Empress and Ealyn, he

The leader of the Banned, she

Younger brother to Sonly, his angelic looks


Taken from a list of character profiles, not sure about the comma placement above. For some reason, I use them each time, and I think it might be because they're a statement of fact, but now I'm not sure if the commas should be there. Although it still seems to me there's a pause when I read it aloud.

 

[Dozmonic]

I'd put them in

 

[Abernovo]

They all look fine to me. Definitely pauses between clauses.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi Springs,

I think that this is a voice issue rather than a comma issue.

The ruler of the Pettina Empire, she uses her psychic powers

The comma here is technically correct, but the sentence is too passive. You'd be much better off with:-

"X is the ruler of the Pettina Empire. She uses her psychic powers..."

This is active, punchier and makes the two points that need to be made clearly, without implying that the one follows from, or is subordinate to, the other.

The only surviving child of the Empress and Ealyn, he

Technically correct, but once again written in the infernal passive voice.

"X is the only surviving child of the Empress and Ealyn."

The leader of the Banned, she

Younger brother to Sonly, his angelic looks

You can guess what I'm going to say here, too!

The disconnect you felt when reading them aloud may well have been more to do with the passive voice than comma abuse. It won't have sounded quite right. And that's because it isn't, really. You would never say aloud "Going to the shops, I bought some milk and a newspaper," or "the son of Colonel Derek, Peter Graham is a bloke off the Chrons who gets overexcited about grammar."

Regards,

Peter

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Silom Dester, Kare’s cousin and best friend. Fiercely loyal, he is responsible for Kare's personal security.

That's more active, then? Makes sense, ty.

 

[Peter Graham]

Subject to changing that first comma so that it reads:-

Silom Dester: Kare's cousin and best friend.

...I'd say you were bang on the money with the first bit.

You're still doing it a bit in the second sentence - perhaps try "He is fiercely loyal and....."

Regards,

Peter

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Silom Dester is Kare's cousin and best friend. Silom is fiercely loyal and.....

Just a thought.

 

[Anne Lyle]

Technically correct, but once again written in the infernal passive voice.

Technically not the passive voice. Passive voice is:

"X was crowned ruler of the Pettina Empire in 1286."

In other words, the subject of the sentence (X) is the object of the verb (crowned). In some contexts, this is better than straining for an active verb - no-one really cares who placed the crown on the monarch's head, so a passive sentence is more idiomatic and relevant.

/grammar rant

The problem in the examples given is journo-speak, that weird mangling of the English language designed to get the maximum number of facts into the fewest words possible. I think it's fine in character profile notes to yourself - just don't put it into your actual prose, or you'll sound like Dan Brown:

Renowned curator Jacques Sauniere staggered through the vaulted archway...

 

[chrispenycate]

If it is, as it now appears, a dramatis personae, a shopping list of characters, I don't feel the passivity detracts much. But this might be because I don't see the larger picture from the excerpts shown; it could well be that you are trying to make these people spectacularly interesting and dynamic, rather than merely giving the reader an indication of who is what, and why, in which case this structure is a bit - listy.