Part of a chapter in Doomed (1400 words more or less)

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subtletylost

Formerly fishii
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First thing let me say that I am sorry it's so long. I just didn't know where else to break it. Any help will be appreciated.

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I stare at the trophy case. There’s something here I’ve never noticed before. The two trophies seem to be mocking me, I can imagine one of them saying, “Haha… you can’t be on this team. It doesn’t exist anymore. Haha.”

The archer seems to be staring at me. I continue to stare and my eyes wander over the trophy. First taking in the statuette on top, a girl short haired and wearing a hunting outfit, weird for a sports team. She has a bow in hand with a quiver by her feet. Then I see the stand, it looks like a tree, and finally I see the plaque at the bottom.

“Silver Hunters, Number one, 1960.” Below that was another plaque that read, “The Silver Hunters dedicate this trophy to Diana. We couldn’t have done this without you.” I don’t think that was part of the trophy to begin with.

I look over to the other trophy its statuette is an x made out of a sword and its sheath. Its stand is plain and simple. The plaque reads, “Mighty Spartans, number one 1953.”

I stare transfixed and muse, “Whatever happened to these teams?”

“What are you looking at shrimp?”

A hand shoves me face first into the glass. People turn and stare. I can’t see them but I can fell their eyes on me. It’s unnerving. Why aren’t they doing anything? “Mrphy met me momoggo…” I try talking.

“What was that shrimpy? I can’t quite hear you.”

I want to get free. To knock some sense in to the bully. From this angle I can see the trophy well. I’m sure it’s staring at me. I can even see a gleam in its golden eyes. I push against the glass. My head is going foggy. My vision hurts. Urh… I can’t think straight. My head hurts. My vision is blurry. “Mrh met mgoggre.”

She pulls my head away. I regain most of my senses. “Let me go.”

“Heh, like I would actually do that. This is too much fun.” She knocks my head into the glass again. She digs her fingers into my hair.

“Ouch, let me go!” I jerk forward. Her grip tightens. I stomp on her foot. She squeals and lets me go. I turn to run. Her friends intercept me. They pus. I end up back in her waiting arms. She cackles. Herf arms lock around my throat.

I sputter and gasp. She tightens her grip. I stomp her foot. It doesn’t work twice. Her grip tightens.

I try to turn my head. The pressure increases. I can’t breath. My vision blurs. There is a loud roaring in my ears.

Something happens. Her grip goes lax. She let’s me go. I drop to my knees. I cough. I look up and everyone is staring. I turn around. I see the bully, Jamie, pushed against the trophy case. She is held by some one vaguely familiar.

“Don’t. Even. Think. About. It.” Each word is punctuated by a tightened grip on Jamie’s throat.

The girl releases Jamie and walks over to me. “Here let me help.” She holds out her hand. I take it.

She pulls me up. We walk away. My heart is beating wildly in my chest. At the stairs I stop her. “Who are you?”

“My name is Diana. I’m new. Who was that girl and why did she want to kill you?”

I stare at her. “That was Jamie. She’s evil. No one in their right mind likes her. If you’re smart, you’ll stay away from her.”

“Oh can you help me find my classes?” She shows me her schedule.

It’s surprising that she has one. This is exam week, I wonder if she knows that. Her schedule is the same as mine, that‘s odd.

“Just follow me around okay.” I start up the stairs. She follows me up. I show her the way to our first class. I want to talk to our teacher, Swainey.

I open the door and lead her inside. Swainey is sitting at her desk. She looks up when we walk in.

“Hey, Swainey. We got a new student. Odd, but I’ll let her talk.”

“Swainey? No miss or missus?”

“Well there’s a Mr. at home but yeah just Swainey will be fine. So what should I call you?”

“My name is Diana.”

Swainey gets up and walks ove to Diana. I can see the concern on her eyes. It’s directed to me. She must have heard about the fight. Well less a fight more an attempted murder.

Diana fidgets. I can’t say I blame her. I went through this same kind of scrutiny on the first day of class, mainly because I showed up half an hour early.

“You’ll do fine here. If you survive Mrs. Leigh.”

“Who’s Mrs. Leigh?”

“Mrs. Leigh is the assistant principal. Why does she need to survive Mrs. Leigh?”

“Because of the fight. Fighting is against the rules.” I start to argue nut she cuts me off, “AND it doesn’t matter why.”

I sigh and she hands us a note. I push Diana out the door. She tries to argue as I lead her to the office. I clamp my hand over her mouth and lead her down an ‘abandoned’ hallway. I can see panic and fear in her eyes.

“Don’t argue and don’t struggle. Listen. If you want to survive Mrs. Leigh you must be 200% honest. She can not only smell a lie, but she can also tell when you are thinking of lying to her. You don’t want to know what happens when someone lies to her. It ain’t pretty.”

She nods fiercely and I smile. I lead her out of the abandoned hallway and head to the office.

We walk in the door and Mrs. Leigh is waiting for us. She motions us into her office. I can see that Diana is shaking, I grab her arm in what I hope is a reassuring gesture.

She sits us in the chairs in front of her desk and closes the door.

“Hello girls. I would like to ask you a few questions about the incident this morning. Now, question one: Jamie said you provoked her, truth or lie?”

Diana looks confused but I know what to do. “Well that’s a dichotomy. Yes or no. But the answer is both. True she said it. But it’s a lie. She attacked me. I was just looking at the trophies.”

Mrs. Leigh stares at me, I can see something in her eyes, but I don’t know what. “Very good. Next. You,” she points to Diana, “stood up for her because you could or because no one else would?”

Diana looks to me, I see confusion written in her eyes. I can’t help her with this. “Well I guess both. But mainly because she was going to kill her. If I had tried to get a teacher it would have been too late.”

There’s something not being said here. But what?

“What was in the trophy case?”

The question catches me off guard. “In the case?”

“Yes, you said you were looking at the trophies. Which ones? We have many but none that I know of would cause a fight. So which ones were you looking at?”

“Mighty Spartans from 1953 and Silver hunters 1960. Are they real? Does our school still have those teams?”

“NO but we can. It’s weird those trophies were moved to storage many years ago. Jamie is in major trouble, but you were just defending yourselves. You may go. Good luck on your exams.”

We get up and leave. I try to talk to Diana but she just keeps walking. I think something might be bothering her. Once in the room I lead her to my table in the back.

Swainey hands out papers when the bell rings. “Good morning class. Two things before we begin our exams. One, I hope you all brought your number two pencils. Two, we have a new student. Diana, everyone. Everyone, Diana. Diana will you please tell the class a little about your self?”

“Sure, I moved here from Italy and if any of you ask how to cuss in Italian I will tell you stuff that makes you sound like a complete idiot. So just don’t even try.”

“Okay, interesting. Well you all may begin your exams.”
 
I stare at thetrophy case. There’s something here I’ve never noticed before. The two trophiesseem to be mocking me, I can imagine one of them saying, “Haha… you can’t be onthis team. It doesn’t exist anymore. Haha.”
The opening linewas difficult for me; I’m not sure what it says even after reading the wholepiece. I suspect you’re sharing something important with the reader but I havenot made any connections.

There was a lot of information on thetrophy’s which could be trimmed down. I am left wondering why the dates areimportant; I think this is the point but it felt overworked.

A hand shoves meface first into the glass. People turn and stare. I can’t see them but I canfell feel their eyes on me. It’s unnerving. Why aren’t they doinganything? “Mrphy met me momoggo…” I try talking.

“Ouch, let me go!” I jerk forward. Her grip tightens. I stomp on her foot. Shesqueals and lets me go. I turn to run. Her friends intercept me this intercept felt wrong - her friends grab me and push me back into waiting arms, in their eyes I could see relief, they’re glad it’s me this time – a poor example but more feeling is needed Fishii. They pus push. I end up back in her waiting arms.She cackles. Herf arms lock around my throat.

A lot of the dialogue has been stiltedand feels forced, this slows the pace a lot. A lot of missing emotion, your character has recovered well from her attack, too well maybe?
“NO but we can.It’s weird those trophies were moved to storage many years ago. Jamie is inmajor trouble, but you were just defending yourselves. You may go. Good luck onyour exams.”
This is the section is a good example offorced dialogue. Say it out loud and ask yourself, would anyone really say this?

Sorry Fishii, it felt very choppy and I was not engaged with the characters. The dialogue in this section could easily be twice as long to convey what it is you’re trying to say. While the first three trophy sections could easily be one section. Missing background, what was the heads office like,is the school modern/tatty etc. The exam room, is this full or empty, large or small, you have not told us.
 
Hi fishii,

I'm afraid I don't have time for a full critique, but I wanted to say that I like the story here -- I found it interesting and engaging and I like that I have guesses about what's happening without being sure. I thought the teachers came over well and distinctively, and the random violence of school was good as well.

A couple of things struck me: first, like Bowler, I think some of the dialogue isn't quite right yet -- it's just tweaking but sometimes people speak in a rather strange way (not always, though, I thought the dialogue between the girls worked well); second, I think this piece could be tightened -- the bit where she's up against the case, for example, might be a tiny bit shorter, and I wasn't sure what the visit to the classroom added -- why couldn't they just be summoned as they're about to go into class or something? Third, I sometimes found it hard to tell who was speaking (but that's tiny tweaks -- maybe line breaks sometimes).

Does your narrator have a name? I guess it has been introduced before?

Generally, though, as I said above, I enjoyed the excerpt. I want to know what happens and I'd read on.
 
Hi fishii,

I'm afraid I don't have time for a full critique, but I wanted to say that I like the story here -- I found it interesting and engaging and I like that I have guesses about what's happening without being sure. I thought the teachers came over well and distinctively, and the random violence of school was good as well.

A couple of things struck me: first, like Bowler, I think some of the dialogue isn't quite right yet -- it's just tweaking but sometimes people speak in a rather strange way (not always, though, I thought the dialogue between the girls worked well); second, I think this piece could be tightened -- the bit where she's up against the case, for example, might be a tiny bit shorter, and I wasn't sure what the visit to the classroom added -- why couldn't they just be summoned as they're about to go into class or something? Third, I sometimes found it hard to tell who was speaking. Does your narrator have a name? I guess it has been introduced before?

Generally, though, as I said above, I enjoyed the excerpt. I want to know what happens and I'd read on.

1.) I'm glad you liked it.
2.)I... rather me and my friends usually talk like this but I can fix it to sound I don't know more like she has a southern accent just by how she says her words.
3.)The class visit was because in my school on exam days you have to first go to breakfast, if you want it, then go straight to your class where you will take your exam. The narrator thought that maybe since a teacher didn't get involved with the fight, they wouldn't need to go to the office.
4.)The narrator's name is Maritza.
 
Sorry -- I wasn't clear. I think the dialogue between the girls is fine -- it's more the head mistress who sounds a bit stilted.

If it's important that they go to class, maybe tell those of us who left school so long ago we can't remember anything about it? I felt it maybe made the scene a bit longer than it needed -- but that's a very personal feeling and I don't know what your vision is for this, so you should probably ignore me on that one.
 
fishii, I liked this, but I found it a little choppy in places. It needs to be a little tighter. But, that only requires minor changes. A few typos as well, most of them missing letters.

The only other problem, for me, was that the two teachers didn't quite connect with me, but that may be because I'm reading this excerpt out of context with the larger story. Anyway, good luck with this. I'd be interested to read more when you post it. :)
 
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