Three paragraphs

[Coragem]

Hi there:

Oops, that's actually four paragraphs.

Anyway, I think I'm trying too hard at the moment! I've been going back over initial chapters and, well, we know that if readers (or agents) don't like the beginning they won't read further. Feeling pressure to get things 'just right' is knocking out my judgement and slowing me down.

Anyway, in the paragraphs below my POV character (Principal Operative Simon Andersson) is surrounded by a group in a park, three days after an atrocity has destroyed a Lunar outpost …

Sorry, I know I tend towards longer sentences and paragraphs, which aren't always easy on the reader. Something I'm aware of. Also, note that I alter my style dramatically depending on POV character, so this is more my character's 'voice' than it is my own per se.

Constructive, honest, and (if/when possible) positive feedback would be very, very welcome.

Coragem



As a worried-looking young man bumped against him and began asking questions, asking whether Arms Exclusion might be finished, it struck Simon that the profusion of normality all around was strange under the circumstances. A typically good humoured crowd in Mont-Royal on a sunny afternoon, a wedding party just now landing a hydroflier close to Kondiaronk, Hugo off chasing another dog, getting confused, running away while the other dog chased him … who would have thought that three nights before Eostre-Aussenposten, together with the nearby districts of Álvares de Lunar, had been a blaze in the sky, a flash of Hades in the heavens?

He responded to the young man with reassuring noises and nods, which leant a veil to his largely meaningless but vaguely encouraging half-sentences. All suggestive of a veritable iceberg of answers and solutions beneath the surface, a solid mass of unstated meaning, even if – Wink, wink, sensitive information, eh? – he could only mention the tip. In reality, of course, he had hardly learned a thing since the Lunar attack, or at least since the immediate aftermath, outside the bars and cafes on rue Notre-Dame, people shouting, staring, and pointing while he linked to the initial AI and vortaen analysis. Neither the Metamenschen nor Sullivre were sharing their intel, so far content to allow, even promulgate the line that Homines Veri were responsible, and the only certainties …?

Hm, truthfully, it’s a bit tricky, a tight spot, Simon might have admitted in different company, without two reporters at hand. As they say, the Arms Exclusion network is like an immune system that’s failed to stop a super-virus … which is to say a rogue breed of nanotech … which is to say a quantum-scale high-yield device. So the things the media are implying, the talk on the Vis forums? All true, all true, and at the risk of substantiating the most apocalyptic speculation, we don’t know who’s responsible or, err, ahem, whether they can do it again. Just as we don’t know who’s behind our thorny little security breach here in Montréal … But – Simon felt his mask of confidence-inspiring gravity relax back into encouraging good humour – mum’s the word, eh?

He decided that the young man looked less worried, that he’d done well to win a reciprocal grin from the Het-Sap girl, that the Al-Mashriq children were never going to tire of the game they’d invented, wherein they took turns to run up to him and have him ruffle their hair, and he supposed he ought to be getting back to the Hensen Building. Owing to the President’s gentle persuasion, her habit of softly rejecting his objections until he was left only with, ‘Rania I … but, but …’, he’d agreed to sit in on yet another Vorta-div. briefing, this time for the benefit Julia Vieira and Elector Kozlov. Although … He sighed, looked over at the wedding party, the happy couple enjoying Kondiaronk, and … well … couldn’t do any harm to offer his compliments, could it? Rude not to.

 

[ctg]

When a worried-looking young man bumped against him and began asking questions about whether Arms Exclusion might be finished - it struck Simon that the profusion of normality all around was all too strange under the circumstances.

A typically good humoured crowd in Mont-Royal on a sunny afternoon. A wedding party just now landing a hydroflier close to Kondiaronk. Hugo off chasing another dog and getting confused before the other dog chased him away.

Who would have thought that three nights before Eostre-Aussenposten - together with the nearby districts of Álvares de Lunar - had been a blaze in the sky, a flash of Hades in the heavens?

Your character voice is good and consistent. So that is good in the long run, but your first chapter was just one long sentence that I thought would serve better as several smaller ones. The reason is that even though you can lump all these things together, they can also be written separately. And when I read them now, the separate paras reads as part of logical thinking, leading from one thing to another.

You can put them all together and keep it as one big paragraph, but before you do that, I'd like to ask about the last red highlight as to me it reads like exposition that could had been left out. Therefore think if the reader knows it and if they do, then could you remove it and perhaps just get on with the one striking sentence?

He responded to the young man with reassuring noises and nods, which leant a veil to his largely meaningless but vaguely encouraging half-sentences. All suggestive of a veritable iceberg of answers and solutions beneath the surface, that he linked to the initial AI and vortaen analysis. Neither the Metamenschen nor Sullivre were sharing their intel, so far content to allow, even promulgate the line that Homines Veri were responsible, and the only certainties …?

a solid mass of unstated meaning, even if – Wink, wink, sensitive information, eh? – he could only mention the tip. In reality, of course, he had hardly learned a thing since the Lunar attack, or at least since the immediate aftermath, outside the bars and cafes on rue Notre-Dame, people shouting, staring, and pointing while

I cut out the bit that in my mind was the fatty tissue and trimmed your paragraph to only have the meat. Why? Well, let me put it this way. Your scene hold on the two principle characters; the narrator and the subject.

The subject is a side-character that can be tossed to a bin, or be used immediately by forming an alliance or later on as an enemy. Therefore, what you have in the red is the confusing bits from the scene that you hopefully has set earlier on, and in the black you'll see the necessary information - the good stuff.

When and if you run in similar kind of problem think about the information that you want to convey and then only write in those bits. If on the second rewrite you notice that it needs description, then add it to the scene sparingly and try your best to not confuse the reader.

Hm, truthfully, it’s a bit tricky, a tight spot, Simon might have admitted in different company, without two reporters at hand. As they say, the Arms Exclusion network is like an immune system that’s failed to stop a super-virus … which is to say a rogue breed of nanotech … which is to say a quantum-scale high-yield device. So the things the media are implying, the talk on the Vis forums? All true, all true, and at the risk of substantiating the most apocalyptic speculation, we don’t know who’s responsible or, err, ahem, whether they can do it again. Just as we don’t know who’s behind our thorny little security breach here in Montréal … But – Simon felt his mask of confidence-inspiring gravity relax back into encouraging good humour – mum’s the word, eh?

Is all of that necessary? Could you not have got away by written one or two lines, like for example:

It's all speculation. We don't know who's really behind Montreal's security break, do we?
​

He decided that the young man looked less worried, that he’d done well to win a reciprocal grin from the Het-Sap girl, that the Al-Mashriq children were never going to tire of the game they’d invented, wherein they took turns to run up to him and have him ruffle their hair, and he supposed he ought to be getting back to the Hensen Building. Owing to the President’s gentle persuasion, her habit of softly rejecting his objections until he was left only with, ‘Rania I … but, but …’, he’d agreed to sit in on yet another Vorta-div. briefing, this time for the benefit Julia Vieira and Elector Kozlov. Although … He sighed, looked over at the wedding party, the happy couple enjoying Kondiaronk, and … well … couldn’t do any harm to offer his compliments, could it? Rude not to.

This is the problematic bit as I don't know what's really needed for setting the next scene. You got your info from the interrogation and now as a writer, you'll need to decide what to do with the subject: ignore him, ally with him and bully him so that he'll betray your character in some way.

I hope that helps.

 

[Bowler1]

The opening section was fine for me, the setting in a park was nice while telling me this is not really normal after recent events.
He responded to the young man with reassuring noises and nods, which leant a veil to his largely meaningless but vaguely encouraging half-sentences. All suggestive of a veritable iceberg of answers and solutions beneath the surface, a solid mass of unstated meaning, even if – Wink, wink, sensitive information, eh? – he could only mention the tip. In reality, of course, he had hardly learned a thing since the Lunar attack, or at least since the immediate aftermath, outside the bars and cafes on rue Notre-Dame, people shouting, staring, and pointing while he linked to the initial AI and vortaen analysis. Neither the Metamenschen nor Sullivre were sharing their intel, so far content to allow, even promulgate the line that Homines Veri were responsible, and the only certainties …?
I was left feeling a little lost when I got to the end here. I accept that there will have been plot lines prior to this that I won’t have been party to but it lacked feeling for me. I was left wondering about the young man, why mention him if he seems to play no part in the scene?
Hm, truthfully, it’s a bit tricky, a tight spot, Simon might have admitted in different company, without two reporters at hand. As they say, the Arms Exclusion network is like an immune system that’s failed to stop a super-virus … which is to say a rogue breed of nanotech … which is to say a quantum-scale high-yield device. So the things the media are implying, the talk on the Vis forums? All true, all true, and at the risk of substantiating the most apocalyptic speculation, we don’t know who’s responsible or, err, ahem, whether they can do it again. Just as we don’t know who’s behind our thorny little security breach here in Montréal … But – Simon felt his mask of confidence-inspiring gravity relax back into encouraging good humour – mum’s the word, eh?
I love SciFi and I like some of the tech being introduced here but I don’t understand what it is this tech can do that so dangerous and then why the character is so relaxed about his conclusions.
He decided that the young man looked less worried, that he’d done well to win a reciprocal grin from the Het-Sap girl, that the Al-Mashriq children were never going to tire of the game they’d invented, wherein they took turns to run up to him and have him ruffle their hair, and he supposed he ought to be getting back to the Hensen Building. Owing to the President’s gentle persuasion, her habit of softly rejecting his objections until he was left only with, ‘Rania I … but, but …’, he’d agreed to sit in on yet another Vorta-div. briefing, this time for the benefit Julia Vieira and Elector Kozlov. Although … He sighed, looked over at the wedding party, the happy couple enjoying Kondiaronk, and … well … couldn’t do any harm to offer his compliments, could it? Rude not to.
The young man again, who is fine now but I have no idea how he got there other than you telling me he is happy now.
I do like your writing but it felt heavy with a lot of descriptive text that actually left me wondering what point you were trying to make more often than not. You also started with a setting in a park but then skipped over it which felt odd to me. But the feeling of a quirky character does come through in parts and I would have liked to see more of the character as he worked through his reasoning. A small funny conversation with the young man could have shown the reader what your man is like. The young man could have expressed the mood of the city after the attack, adding more background mood to the scene. These small breaks would for me, have lightened the information overload and helped a simple reader (that’s me) along – less is more is my conclusion.
I left wondering how you do your dialogue sections. Sections with a character on their own, I think are always harder to manage and may not be giving us a good feel for your style.
The plot does interest me, your hints at high politics work well.

 

[Hex]

I really like your style, Coragem, though as you say, it's hardly 'easy'. It took me a couple of sentences to get into this, but once I was in it was a pleasure to read. I'm not completely sure what's going on (especially in paragraph 3, though I loved the voice), but I'm not worried by that -- I assume you'll be expanding on some of it later.

I agree with ctg that the first sentence feels a bit long. I don't know if that's because I wasn't in the style yet or if it would be a good plan to change it. Personally, I'd split in two ('A worried-looking young man bumped against him...' and 'It struck Simon that....').

I know you're not a fan of the semi colon but I'd consider using them in your list ('A typically good-humoured...' etc), and I'm afraid I didn't like the alliteration of 'Hades in the heavens' (but that's a very personal taste thing).

I really enjoyed this. I think you should be confident that your style, while not for everyone* works very well for some.

* but then whose is?

 

[Glen]

Coragem, I felt this piece was like a gem, but it was a gem under lock and key.

It is full of fantastic, specific detail that make it real and concrete and makes it sound like a real world. Great names for installations, buildings, groups, people, methodologies that suggest a dense, complex, real world. It has an intriguing, hard plot that promises to haul the reader in by the, well, by something that will grab the readers attention.

I liked the easy, unostentatious movement from third person description to internal, colloquial first person soliloquy.

But I had to read it several times to get close to what was happening. It was good that there was enough attention grabbing detail to make me want to hang on in there, but I think it would be a big ask of the reader over the long haul.

I'll try to give some examples:

a worried-looking young man

Is this a journalist? If so, perhaps say so up front. Or perhaps seperate the beautiful description - have this first and have it interrupted by being bumped into by the journo. Does the reference to young man mean Simon is old?

strange under the circumstances

cliche?

a solid mass of unstated meaning, even if – Wink, wink, sensitive information, eh?

I love this style by the way, it's like poetry. I'm not suggesting you change this but somehow make it more accessible.

the Arms Exclusion network is like an immune system that’s failed to stop a super-virus … which is to say a rogue breed of nanotech …

etc... this section is full of exciting, hard-core sci-fi but I needed it to be explained slower, or with more detail, to allow my tiny brain time to take it all in without re-reading.

You said in your intro you recognise your long sentences may not be easy on the reader. I agree, they're not. But then that never worried James Joyce.

 

[allmywires]

Hi Coragem,

Before I crit this I'd like to just make a comment on it overall. I thought there were large bits of it that were excellent, but as a whole piece it didn't really work for me. The real main sticking point for me in this is the absolute wash of new information you give the reader in 4 short paragraphs. If this is the first chapter of your novel (which it may not be), then I would probably bow out now because I simply got lost.

red = my comments
blue = grammar stuff

As a worried-looking young man bumped against him and began asking questions, asking whether Arms Exclusion might be finished, it struck Simon that the profusion of normality all around was strange under the circumstances. A typically good humoured crowd in Mont-Royal on a sunny afternoon, a wedding party just now landing a hydroflier close to Kondiaronk, Hugo off chasing another dog, getting confused, running away while the other dog chased him. (I'd put a full stop here; not a huge fan of ellipses, but if you're going for strema-of-consciousness then by all means keep it in.) Who would have thought that three nights before Eostre-Aussenposten, together with the nearby districts of Álvares de Lunar, had been a blaze in the sky, a flash of Hades in the heavens?

I thought you began strong, and even though the first line is a bit on the long side it worked. However, who is Hugo? Why should I care about him? Is he your protag's dog? What relevance does he have here?

I like the name of your districts, but if they're in the same city, why do they comes from Germanic and Spanish roots? The mixture seems odd to me.

He responded to the young man with reassuring noises and nods, which leant a veil to his largely meaningless but vaguely encouraging half-sentences (You could definitely cut this sentence down: 'which leant a veil to his largely meaningless half-sentences'). All suggestive of a veritable iceberg of answers and solutions beneath the surface, a solid mass of unstated meaning, even if – Wink, wink, sensitive information, eh? – he could only mention the tip. In reality, of course, he had hardly learned a thing since the Lunar attack, or at least since the immediate aftermath, outside the bars and cafes on rue Notre-Dame, people shouting, staring, and pointing while he linked to the initial AI and vortaen analysis. Neither the Metamenschen nor Sullivre were sharing their intel, so far content to allow, even promulgate the line that Homines Veri were responsible, and the only certainties …? (Metamenschen, Sullivre, Homines Veri - a lot of names which mean nothing to me. Who are these people?)

The last few words don't work. What is that supposed to mean, certainties of what? Again, possibly because I don't like ellipses. I like the iceberg analogy, but I'd already forgotten what the conversation was supposed to be about and had to go back and remind myself. A few lines of short dialogue might be needed.

Hm, truthfully, it’s a bit tricky, a tight spot, Simon might have admitted in different company, without two reporters at hand So they young man was a reporter? Who's the other one?). As they say, the Arms Exclusion network is like an immune system that’s failed to stop a super-virus, which is to say a rogue breed of nanotech, which is to say a quantum-scale high-yield device. So the things the media are implying, the talk on the Vis forums? All true, all true, and at the risk of substantiating the most apocalyptic speculation, we don’t know who’s responsible or, err, ahem, whether they can do it again. Just as we don’t know who’s behind our thorny little security breach here in Montréal … But – Simon felt his mask of confidence-inspiring gravity relax back into encouraging good humour (his mask of gravity? doesn't make sense, unless of course it's an actual thing you're describing)– mum’s the word, eh?

Is he talking aloud in the italics? Or is it his internal monologue?

He decided that the young man looked less worried, that he’d done well to win a reciprocal grin from the Het-Sap girl (who? where did she come from?), that the Al-Mashriq children were never going to tire of the game they’d invented, wherein they took turns to run up to him and have him ruffle their hair, and he supposed he ought to be getting back to the Hensen Building. Owing to the President’s gentle persuasion, her habit of softly rejecting his objections until he was left only with, ‘Rania I … but, but …’, he’d agreed to sit in on yet another Vorta-div. briefing, this time for the benefit Julia Vieira and Elector Kozlov. Although … He sighed, looked over at the wedding party, the happy couple enjoying Kondiaronk, and … well … couldn’t do any harm to offer his compliments, could it? Rude not to.

I liked the end paragraph, which establishes the scene well in the same way as the first one did. Again, you're introducing these things almost as a kind of name dropping - I assume giving them their titles is meant to mean something, but I don't know what yet. Instead of Het-Sap girl, could you just have 'the girl across the street?' Unless you're going to give us an indication of what Het-Sap is beforehand, it loses its impact. Same with Al-Mashriq and the others.

OK, despite my comments (of which you are free to ignore - I don't know your story, it's only a snippet, so if you do explain these things before/later, my apologies) I liked it. It's just very disorienting. I like your ideas, but like I said the mish-mash of names from different linguistic roots - seemingly in one city - left me a bit confused, as well as what exactly it is you're trying to say with the piece as a whole. The way you write has a particular style and I wouldn't change it - like you say, it's not the easiest to read, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'd just prefer a little bit more clarity. I understand these are his thoughts, and the style is meant to reflect this, but they do seem rather jumbled and I didn't follow a coherent train of thought.

 

[Coragem]

Everyone, I need to digest your comments a bit more before I respond in detail. However, I do need to point out that the paragraphs may be confusing partly because they are out of context! (Something that has always caused a problem whenever I've put extracts up for critique.)

The paragraphs appear about 2500 words into my first chapter, so some of the uncertainties raised would disappear if the paragraphs had been read in context.

Not that I'm denying that my style can be hard work, especially (as here) in draft prior editing.

Re. my style, I struggle because I do like the sort of 'expansive' approach that can (where appropriate) include longer sentences and paragraphs (e.g., Guy Gavrial Kay) – it's something I want to aspire to, even if as yet I'm not doing it so well. I also like the sort of books that immerse the reader in a world that is inevitably confusing to begin with – even if, again, as yet I'm not doing it so well.

Coragem.

 

[allmywires]

Everyone, I need to digest your comments a bit more before I respond in detail. However, I do need to point out that the paragraphs may be confusing partly because they are out of context! (Something that has always caused a problem whenever I've put extracts up for critique.)

I think that's a big problem with asking for critiques on this forum for long-ish pieces of work - especially in sci-fi/fantasy, without context, a lot of meaning goes over people's heads.

Re. my style, I struggle because I do like the sort of 'expansive' approach that can (where appropriate) include longer sentences and paragraphs (e.g., Guy Gavrial Kay) – it's something I want to aspire to, even if as yet I'm not doing it so well. I also like the sort of books that immerse the reader in a world that is inevitably confusing to begin with – even if, again, as yet I'm not doing it so well.

I wouldn't say you're not doing it well - in fact, I'd be interested to read it in a more expansive approach. Just on its own, however, I don't think it really works - again, that's part of critiques here.

 

[Hex]

You have the sort of style that is very absorbing, but I agree that short excerpts probably don't do it justice.

I don't know why, but I feel as if the way you write is denser than GGK. Having said that, I haven't read everything he's written, and anything I have read was far longer than 4 paragraphs...

I don't think your style is hard work. But it isn't easy either. That's absolutely not a bad thing.

 

[hopewrites]

I'll throw in my hat as someone for whom the style does work quite well. Choosing not to be unbalanced by the references I assumed I didnt understand because it was out of context, I found it very engaging and from my quick one read through picked up lots of layers of emotional texture and found your world unfolding with depth and brilliancy around me.
I am torn between wanting the dialog and enjoying the monolog that is making his dialog less than interesting. (unless I misunderstood that to be more clever than it is)

*second read*
Paragraph one: if you are going to insert the dialog this is where i would start it, (though personally I would leave the question hanging in the air while the disproportionate normality strikes Simon, because I love that social commentary and the musings it spawns) assuming I would know what a Kondiaronk is, I think i'm on the right track imagining the hydroflier, and you dont let me think Hugo is another person for long, so that's alright. I am torn between imagining Eostre-Aussenposten, and Álvares de Lunar as ships or cities, but the image of them blazing in the sky finishes off the creepy-normal feeling that you started the paragraph with nicely.
paragraph two: here you have purposely avoided dialog which leads me to assume a broken translator or some other reason for Simon's non-verbal waffling, here I am beginning to see him as something of an off-planet-er who is trying to blend in and doing too good of a job at it for his own comfort (an assumption you reaffirm by the end of the last paragraph). there is a lead in here that brings about the only confusion i have in the whole piece. you start what i assume is a monolog, the unsaid underthinking that makes what he is saying to the young man reassuringly meaningless. but in the next paragraph could almost be what he is saying. and i am still torn between reading it as an inner-monolog or his side of the conversation.
Paragraph three: love the tangitized flow of thought, very human and very relateable.
paragraph four: wonderful character building all around. Simon, the President, the race the children belong to, I wonder that he doesnt look around for Hugo before leaving, maybe he does it after visiting with the bride and groom...

over all impression: I wouldnt not at all mind reading this in context, and due to some failing of my own no doubt, dont notice sentence length or a lack of fluidity in the peace as a whole.

 

[Bowler1]

I don't think anyone has said that they didn't like what they read, I enjoyed it myself. But your style is heavy and you know that. As this section had no dialogue and was a small section, its very hard to judge your over all style. I would like to see how you handle dialogue and character interaction sometime.

The section posted had good politics that I liked, with aliens sitting back waiting. It was a tiny weeny taster and this is the stuff I love in SciFi. There is depth in your plot which I liked.

 

[Mischov]

To start, I really like the style I think you're going for. When things get polished up, I think it will make for a very good read.

That said, it's a bit crufty. I'm having trouble finding the words to explain how it needs to be cleaned up, so please forgive me for rewriting the first paragraph to show you what I mean.

-----

Original:

As a worried-looking young man bumped against him and began asking questions, asking whether Arms Exclusion might be finished, it struck Simon that the profusion of normality all around was strange under the circumstances. A typically good humoured crowd in Mont-Royal on a sunny afternoon, a wedding party just now landing a hydroflier close to Kondiaronk, Hugo off chasing another dog, getting confused, running away while the other dog chased him … who would have thought that three nights before Eostre-Aussenposten, together with the nearby districts of Álvares de Lunar, had been a blaze in the sky, a flash of Hades in the heavens?

Cleaned:

It was a sunny afternoon in Mont-Royal, and the crowd was in good humor. A hydroflier carrying what appeared to be a wedding party was just landing close to Kondiaronk. Hugo chased after another dog, became confused, and was chased in turn. Everything is so profusely normal, thought Simon. It's almost as if Eostre-Aussenposten and Álvares de Lunar hadn't been blazed skyward three nights before, a flash of Hades in the heavens.

A worried-looking young man bumped against Simon, apologized, then recognized him.

-----

After looking at the two different versions for a bit, I think I have a couple suggestions.

• Break things up. You said you know it tends towards longer sentences and paragraphs, and that this is difficult for the reader. Don't be difficult for your reader. There is nothing wrong with bombarding them with jumbles of images/scenes/impressions/stimuli/etc. I find that a nice part of the story, actually. But be clear when you do so. Being readable is a good thing.
• One point at a time. I don't see any good reason to start a paragraph with some action, digress into an observation, then continue the starting action in the next paragraph. Let Simon make his observation, then have somebody bump into him.
• Bring out the red ink, because it's time to go superfluous-word hunting. There's nothing wrong with a character who is excessively wordy if you really want a character who is excessively wordy... but try and restrict the wordiness to dialogue. You have a lot of words in the narrative that you don't really need, and if you get rid of them you will make things easier for your reader. Again, being readable is a good thing.

But unless your book is done, you shouldn't be worrying about editing the first chapters quite yet. You mention that the pressure to "get things just right" is slowing you down. Don't let it. Finish the story, then go back and make it perfect. Nothing kills a good story like the pressure to get it just right.

And this could be a very good story.

 

[Coragem]

Coragem, I felt this piece was like a gem, but it was a gem under lock and key.

You have the sort of style that is very absorbing,

I'll throw in my hat as someone for whom the style does work quite well.

I don't think anyone has said that they didn't like what they read, I enjoyed it myself. But your style is heavy and you know that. As this section had no dialogue and was a small section, its very hard to judge your over all style. I would like to see how you handle dialogue and character interaction sometime.

To start, I really like the style I think you're going for.

But unless your book is done, you shouldn't be worrying about editing the first chapters quite yet. You mention that the pressure to "get things just right" is slowing you down. Don't let it. Finish the story, then go back and make it perfect. Nothing kills a good story like the pressure to get it just right.

And this could be a very good story.

Okay, I'm mainly highlighting positive comments here. That's because I know I need to focus on positives, on feeling less pressured, and on being less of an insecure perfectionist! As Mischov says VERY wisely, "Nothing kills a good story like the pressure to get it just right."

That said, I've already altered the paragraphs somewhat in the light of this excellent feedback! And I'll go through it a few more times after a much needed break (A holiday, in fact! Off to Stockholm!).

Basically, I chose to go back to my chapter one because it was one of the first things I'd ever written, and the standard was well below my later chapters. I've made it lots better, but I'm finding something uniquely hard about writing the first two or three chapters. For example, I want to supply information, but I don't want to impose thoughts on dialogue on my characters in order to contrive info-supply for my readers. And then just knowing that it's what any reader (or agent) will see first! (Yes, again, pressure killing story!)

The early part of this first chapter was also very hard because there isn't dialogue, and that's a choice I made because although the POV character is in a busy park, he is surrounded by people who are nothing to do with the rest of the book/plot. The second half of the chapter does require the reader to get to know quite a few new characters in addition to the POV character, but I didn't want to confuse the reader by giving attention to random people met in the park. If that makes sense.

As for these paragraphs, they were particularly challenging because they are probably more important than you would imagine without context. A lot of seeds are planted here, and although I definitely can tighten the writing I can't remove a lot of the content.

Anyway, on the negative side I tend to need to revisit paragraphs many, many times (and/or stare at them for many, many hours) before I manage to make them tight. On the positive side, I do get there and the longer I take the better things keep getting.

I "may" post another edit of these paragraphs at some point, if/when I'm feeling brave.

 

[hopewrites]

If you want a context bata reader, I volunteer. Your narrative voice is one that fits easily into my personal innermonolog, which I think more than anything makes you so pleasantly readable for me. And from this snippet I feel I could expand my imaginetive view just by offering 'selflessly' to be a bata for you

 

[Grimbear]

As a worried-looking young man bumped against him and began asking questions, asking whether Arms Exclusion might be finished, it struck Simon that the profusion of normality all around was strange under the circumstances.

Not sure I like 'asking and 'asking' here - one of them is redundant. Also 'profusion of normality' strikes me as weird - can normality be profuse? How about 'atmosphere' or 'air' or something like that?

which leant a veil to his largely meaningless but vaguely encouraging half-sentences.

I know what you mean here - but again the usage is odd and I had to think about it. Not too sure it works 'leant a veil' - how about just 'camouflaged' ?

I like your style - you have an interesting turn of phrase, but sometimes it sounds a little forced imo. That said, I like the narrative voice generally, and the humor apparent in it.