Small excerpt: 430 words

[Scott R. Forshaw]

This is a small excerpt from the penultimate chapter of my WIP. I'm just looking for general feedback really. What do you think? Does it flow smoothly? And more importantly, does it make sense?

All feedback will be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read it, folks.


I pursed my lips. He sounded believable enough, but I had to be certain. I closed my eyes and reached out with my ability.The magic within the room fought against me, cracking like a sea of electricity against my power. I clenched my fists and pushed harder.

Eventually, I reached the minds of the Dark Elf monarchs, and thrust my way inside. My stomach churned as I entered, sickened by the overwhelming intensity of their disturbing and ominous thoughts. It felt like I was swimming in treacle, surrounded by a dark unnatural energy which threatened to torment and drown me within its oppressive and murky depths.

I gasped, fighting for air as my lungs began to contract beneath the pressure. Part of me knew it wasn't real – my physical body wasn't really trapped within their hellish subconscious– my mind, however, was going to take a hell of a lot more convincing of the fact.

My knees trembled, and I swallowed hard as the sickly tang of vomit erupted into my mouth. I desperately wanted to pull free, to release myself from the torment, but knew it wasn't an option. I had to see just how far the rabbit hole went. I clenched my teeth, balled my clammy hands into fists, and forced myself further into the darkness. I couldn't give up now – I had to know the truth. The fate of the world depended upon it.

Thoughts idled by, thick as mud, unnatural and disturbing. I shuddered – they were far from anything I'd ever witnessed, different in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. They filled my mind with dread, and made my muscles spasm with anxiety as their deviant energies festered and stagnated around my own.

I took a deep breath, and began to probe, my body trembling as I did. A sudden sense of overwhelming fear burst into my mind. They were afraid, petrified of what was happening to them, of how their lives had been thrust into danger. The Source, an item of unimaginable power, had been taken from right under their noses, and there was nothing they could do about it.

Confusion flickered in the deepest echelons of their subconscious. How could something be so strong? So incredibly powerful, that even the finest Elven warriors had been powerless to overcome it? They knew they had to try to fight it, to destroy it –but how? How could they wage war against something so dangerous? And especially when they didn't have the faintest idea as to what it was.

 

[ctg]

Nice. Flows well and I only had one jarring moment in the fifth paragraph, where I started to wonder what you were meaning. But otherwise I would not change a thing. Good job Mister Foreshaw.

 

[Gary Compton]

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I pursed my lips. He sounded believable enough, but I had to be certain. I closed my eyes and reached out with my ability.The magic within the room fought against me, cracking like a sea of electricity against my power. I clenched my fists and pushed harder.

Eventually, I reached the minds of the Dark Elf monarchs, and thrust my way inside. My stomach churned as I entered, sickened by the overwhelming intensity of their disturbing and ominous thoughts. It felt like I was swimming in treacle (this could be written better - bit of a cliche), surrounded by a dark unnatural energy which threatened to torment and drown me within its oppressive and murky depths.

I gasped, fighting for air as my lungs began to contract beneath the pressure. Part of me knew it wasn't real – my physical body wasn't really trapped within their hellish subconscious– my mind, however, was going to would take a hell of a lot more convincing of the fact.

My knees trembled, and I swallowed hard as the sickly tang of vomit erupted into my mouth. I desperately wanted to pull free, to release myself from the torment, but knew it wasn't an option. I had to see just how far the rabbit hole went. I clenched my teeth, balled my clammy hands into fists, and forced myself further into the darkness. I couldn't give up now – I had to know the truth. The fate of the world depended upon it.

Thoughts idled by, thick as mud, unnatural and disturbing. I shuddered – they were far from anything I'd ever witnessed, different in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. They filled my mind with dread, and made my muscles spasm with anxiety as their deviant energies festered and stagnated around my own.

I took a deep breath, and began to probe, my body trembling as I did. A sudden sense of overwhelming fear burst into my mind. They were afraid, petrified of what was happening to them, of how their lives had been thrust into danger. The Source, an item of unimaginable power, had been taken from right under their noses, and there was nothing they could do about it.

Confusion flickered in the deepest echelons of their subconscious. How could something be so strong? So incredibly powerful, that even the finest Elven warriors had been powerless to overcome it? They knew they had to try to fight it, to destroy it –but how? How could they wage war against something so dangerous? And especially when they didn't have the faintest idea as to what it was.

I liked this but i think you as they say in the UK, "you over egged the pudding.' Too much unneccesary description like I took a deep breath etc. Kept me interested but I think you should keep it simple. Don't waste words

 

[Warren_Paul]

I pursed my lips. He sounded believable enough, but I had to be certain. I closed my eyes and reached out with my ability.The magic within the room fought against me, cracking like a sea of electricity against my power. I clenched my fists and pushed harder.


My knees trembled, and I swallowed hard as the sickly tang of vomit erupted into my mouth. I desperately wanted to pull free, to release myself from the torment, but knew it wasn't an option. I had to see just how far the rabbit hole went. I clenched my teeth, balled my clammy hands into fists, and forced myself further into the darkness. I couldn't give up now – I had to know the truth. The fate of the world depended upon it.

Hey Scott, overall very good. The thing that stood out to me was how many times you started a sentence with "'I" in the above paragraphs. I'd suggest mixing it up a bit more maybe?

 

[Glen]

It has a good flow, and does make sense. I like the idea of penetration of minds being like a physical thing, almost a Fantastic Voyage kind of feel, you make it easy to visualise something that could otherwise be quite abstract. I enjoyed reading this.

I pursed my lips.

Perhaps my reading suffers from missing context but I couldn't see the benefit of the lip-pursing. It sounded a bit Carry-On.

ability.The...–but how?

Formatting: Missing space between sentences. Missing space after dash.

swimming in treacle

Didn't sit right with me. Treacle too sweet and Enid Blyton to be an effective metaphor in this context. Bit of a cliche too. Try another viscous substance, like tar maybe.

...a hell of...right under their noses...nothing they could do about it...didn't have the faintest idea

Sounds a bit colloquial and cliched like someone chatting in a pub, and detracts, I think, from the intensity of the passage(s). The last example I think spoils the end of the extract, making it end a bit limply rather than with a crescendo.

surrounded by a dark unnatural energy which threatened to torment and drown me within its oppressive and murky depths...deviant energies festered and stagnated

A couple of examples of the great, descriptive, evocative language.

I couldn't even begin to imagine

I wondered why the character needed to imagine the difference if he could see the thoughts?

A sudden sense of overwhelming fear burst into my mind.

I'd be tempted to lose the 'sudden'. 'Burst' gives enough energy and immediacy.

deepest echelons

Made me wonder if echelons was a word more appropriate for social institutions, e.g. military ranks, rather the kinds of strata you are describing. Took my mind from the story.

 

[Bowler1]

I liked it Scott but like most of the others a few of the descriptions didn’t quite hit the mark for me.

swimming in treacle
My knees trembled – felt funny which was wrong for the scene
just how far the rabbit hole went – reminded me of the Matrix

my mind, however, was going to take a hell of a lot more convincing of the fact – this sentence as per Gary was over worked.

There were as many descriptions that I liked. I liked the first paragraph and the first line of the third paragraph. I liked the pressure image as it made the use of magic feel difficult. Overall The section was expressed well leaving me with very clear ideas and images, it felt good to me.

 

[Hex]

I thought this flowed and made sense. There are some tiny bits I wondered about, but in general it works well.

I pursed my lips. He sounded believable enough, but I had to be certain. I closed my eyes and reached out with my ability [-- don;t think you need this].The magic within the room fought against me, cracking like a sea of electricity against my power I like the image -- another word for 'against'?. I clenched my fists and pushed harder.

Eventually, I reached the minds of the Dark Elf monarchs, and thrust my way inside. My stomach churned as I entered, sickened by the overwhelming intensity of their disturbing and ominous thoughts. It felt like I was swimming in treacle, surrounded by a dark unnatural energy which threatened to torment and drown me within its oppressive and murky depths. You've got some lovely description here but I wondered about the 'x and y' pattern -- e.g. disturbing and ominous/ torment and drown/ oppressive and murky -- I like them but all together in the same paragraph, I started to wonder

I gasped, fighting for air as my lungs began to contract beneath the pressure. Part of me knew it wasn't real – my physical body wasn't really trapped within their hellish subconscious– my mind, however, was going to take a hell of a lot more convincing of the fact. -- don't think you need this

My knees trembled, and I swallowed hard as the sickly tang of vomit erupted into my mouth not sure about describing vomit as 'sickly' since, you know, by definition it is -- must say I missed that the first few times I read it, though. I desperately wanted to pull free, to release myself from the torment, but knew it wasn't an option. I had to see just how far the rabbit hole went. I clenched my teeth, balled my clammy hands into fists, and forced myself further into the darkness. I couldn't give up now – I had to know the truth. The fate of the world depended upon it. ok - I don't know if I like the last sentence or think it's a bit much. It's neat but it reads as... arrogant? cliched? I'm guessing, though, there's context.

Thoughts idled by, thick as mud, unnatural and disturbing. I shuddered – they were far from anything I'd ever witnessed, different in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. They filled my mind with dread, and made my muscles spasm with anxiety as their deviant energies festered and stagnated around my own. unnatural and disturbing/ festered and stagnated -- just being annoying and pointing out the pattern

I took a deep breath, and began to probe, my body trembling as I did -- don't think you need. A sudden sense of overwhelming fear I felt the fear was a little over-described -- but just a little -- plus with 'burst' I don't think you need 'sudden'burst into my mind. They were afraid, petrified of what was happening to them, of how their lives had been thrust into danger. The Source, an item of unimaginable power, had been taken from right under their noses cliche?, and there was nothing they could do about it.

got to go! hope that helps
Confusion flickered in the deepest echelons of their subconscious. How could something be so strong? So incredibly powerful, that even the finest Elven warriors had been powerless to overcome it? They knew they had to try to fight it, to destroy it –but how? How could they wage war against something so dangerous? And especially when they didn't have the faintest idea as to what it was.

 

[Hex]

Ahem. Back for the last paragraph:

I wasn't sure about 'try to fight it' (do you need the 'try to'?) and I disliked 'didn't have the faintest idea as to what it was' -- could you say '...didn't have the faintest idea what it was" instead?

I did like this passage and it's gripping and involving. Everything makes sense and the description is generally fresh and effective. Yey.

 

[Scott R. Forshaw]

Thanks for the comments, guys and gals, I appreciate the time you've all spent going through it.

I do agree that it needs some tightening, but I required some help to spot the flaws; I was kind of at that can't see the wood for the trees stage.

Once again, thanks.

 

[Grimbear]

It's immediate and gripping - the main thing I thought was that I wanted to know the context - which can only be good!

The thing that struck me the most was the unnecessary use of 'upon' here:

The fate of the world depended upon it.

I think you could just have 'on' here.

Hope that helps.
Grimbear

 

[Glitch]

Hi Scott. Interesting read. It intrigues me as to the rest of the story.

I closed my eyes and reached out with my ability.

Nothing wrong with this per se; but if this is the penultimate chapter then I assume you have already established the POV characters ability and could remove the 'with my ability' from this late stage of the story.

Eventually, I reached the minds of the Dark Elf monarchs

Not too keen on 'Eventually'. Needs something more immediate, gripping.

It felt a little repetitive on the disturbing thoughts motif. You established the imagery and just as I thought you were going to move on you circled around and described them again.

 

[paradoxical]

You use far too many clichéd phrases "thick as mud" etc. Also, dark-elves, haven't we just about had our fill of cookie-cutter tropes?

 

[littlebird]

Comment

I pursed my lips. He sounded believable enough, but I had to be certain. I closed my eyes and reached out with my ability. I think this would be cool if you had a unique word for "ability". The magic within the room fought against me, cracking like a sea of electricity against my power.Once again, "power" is a boring word. Take a look at Jordan's Wheel of Time and how he describes the Aes Sedai power. It might serve as inspiration. I clenched my fists and pushed harder.

Eventually, I reached the minds of the Dark Elf monarchs, and thrust my way inside. My stomach churned as I entered, sickened by the overwhelming intensity of their disturbing and ominous thoughts.You don't need sickened, as "stomach churned" implies that. Same goes for "ominous". It felt like I was swimming in treacle, surrounded by a dark unnatural energy which threatened to torment and drown me within its oppressive and murky depths. "Oppressive" is a telling word, try showing this feeling without telling the audience.

I gasped, fighting for air as my lungs began to contract beneath the pressure. Part of me knew it wasn't real – my physical body wasn't really trapped within their hellish subconscious– my mind, however, was going to take a hell of a lot more convincing of the fact.The language of this paragraph is informal compared to the rest.

My knees trembled, and I swallowed hard as the sickly tang of vomit erupted into my mouth. I desperately wanted to pull free, to release myself from the torment, but knew it wasn't an option. I feel as if you've already told me this. I had to see just how far the rabbit hole went. I don't know if this is set in our world, but if it isn't, I'd consider not using an Alice in Wonderland-esque reference. I clenched my teeth, balled my clammy hands into fists, and forced myself further into the darkness. I couldn't give up now – I had to know the truth. The fate of the world depended upon it.A bit melodramatic - you can probably convey this sense of urgency in some other way.

Thoughts idled by, thick as mud, unnatural and disturbing. This sentence confuses me.I shuddered – they were far from anything I'd ever witnessed, different in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. They filled my mind with dread, and made my muscles spasm with anxiety as their deviant energies festered and stagnated around my own.This paragraph is just expanding on what you've already explained.

I took a deep breath, and began to probe, my body trembling as I did. A sudden sense of overwhelming fear burst into my mind. Get rid of "sudden".They were afraid, petrified of what was happening to them, of how their lives had been thrust into danger. The Source, an item of unimaginable power, had been taken from right under their noses, and there was nothing they could do about it.This is telling not showing.

Confusion flickered in the deepest echelons of their subconscious.Consider another word instead of "echolons", as us laymen don't know what it means, and I hate having to look words up in the dictionary when reading. How could something be so strong? So incredibly powerful, that even the finest Elven warriors had been powerless to overcome it? They knew they had to try to fight it, to destroy it –but how? How could they wage war against something so dangerous? And especially when they didn't have the faintest idea as to what it was.Too many questions - jars the reader from the flow of the text. Consider putting in italics and making them thoughts.

I hope my feedback helps!

 

[Scott R. Forshaw]

Thanks to everyone who took time to critique, I appreciate your efforts. It's certainly given me some food for thought, that's for sure.

One thing I will mention, however: Paradoxical, really? Haven't you every delved into Norse mythology? Given that you read over 200 books a year, I'd have assumed you would have at least stumbled across it at some point. Dark-Elves are prevalent in Scandinavian folk-lore. They live beneath the earth, deep underground, as opposed to their Light-Elf brethren who reside in the forests, beneath the radiance of the Sun.

Anyway, other than the one pointless and mis-informed reply, I thank everyone else, wholeheartedly.

 

[ctg]

Um, no. I think you'll need to read Pessi and Illusia again. Peikko (Pessi) equals troll and they are the sort of people that lives underground. Keiju (Illusia) however is a traditional fairy that lives in forests and feeds off from sun-rays. But you know, they are traditional Scandinavian folklore creatures and when you write modern fantasy you'll tend to forge the traditions and go on with what you got. And what you got is fantastic.

So forget about the traditional mythology, when it comes to the origins of the creatures, as these days your average reader doesn't know the details or be bothered to read them up.

 

[Scott R. Forshaw]

Thanks for that, ctg. I, however, took inspiration for my Dark Elves from The Prose Edda by Snorri Sturluson. To be fair, they are described as being more Dwarf-like than anything else, but I decided to put my own spin on them rather than go with traditional concepts.