Does this pique your interest? (260 words)

[Glitch]

As the title says, does this pique your interest?

It's a small except of 260 words.

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“Subject acquired,” said a metallic voice from the loudspeaker.

James Kersey put his head gear on and laid back in the chair. Taking a deep breath he activated the computer. The beeps quickened in his ear piece. It had been a long night, and with any luck this would be his last job.

Everything went quiet and it took him a moment to adjust. He focused on the flashing light to his left; it was a fireplace. He looked up at the picture hanging above the mantle. The computer picked out the facial features and started an image search.

A young woman in a Victorian styled maids outfit entered theroom and proceeded to draw the curtains. She was unaware of his presence, as was intended. The computer added her face to the queue while it continued to search for the man in the painting.

James followed the maid as she crossed the entrance hall into another room. There were a dozen or so people in the room, all seemed to be of nobility. He walked around the room to get clearer images of their faces, which were then added to the search queue.

There was a woman in a long red dress whose face eluded him. She was moving about the room in the opposite direction to him. She was engaging with the other people; but no matter where he went she always seemed to be looking the other way.

As she opened the door she turned slightly and looked straight at him. She closed the door and his connection was lost.

 

[ctg]

I would like to say but I'm too afraid to say anything. So allow me to just say it's good and you shouldn't be worrying about your abilities as a writer.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think it would be more engaging if we had some intimation as to why he wants/needs to find the man in the painting. Of course this may not be the beginning, and all that may have been explained in detail already. Still, a little sense of urgency or anticipation or curiosity ... something ... to draw readers in would help to pique their interest, I think.

Unless he is able to identify the people by name, I don't see how he would know they're of the nobility. In the Victorian era, they would dress and sound just like other upper class people.

 

[Mouse]

I didn't really know what was going on (yeah, I'm a bit slow) but it did pique my interest.

I don't understand 'the computer added her face to the queue.' What queue? And why did it do that?

Also, I thought the room was empty but for him and the maid, but then you say there's other people there so in my head I'm kinda picturing them sort of... flickering in, like projections.

 

[Glitch]

I would like to say but I'm too afraid to say anything.

Why are you afraid to say something ? I don't bite, honest.

And thank you for the compliment on my writing abilities

I think it would be more engaging if we had some intimation as to why he wants/needs to find the man in the painting. Of course this may not be the beginning, and all that may have been explained in detail already. Still, a little sense of urgency or anticipation or curiosity ... something ... to draw readers in would help to pique their interest, I think.



Unless he is able to identify the people by name, I don't see how he would know they're of the nobility. In the Victorian era, they would dress and sound just like other upper class people.

This is the beginning. He needs to identify all the people and possibly a location. A portrait above the fireplace suggests someone important and thus possibly easy to identify.

He assumes the people are of nobility based on their clothing. I was trying to differentiate them from the maid.

I left the title off as to not sway the initial judgement. It's called 'Dream Hunters'


EDIT: Mouse posted while I was writing my reply.

I don't understand 'the computer added her face to the queue.' What queue? And why did it do that?

The computer can only search for one face at a time. The queue is a list of things it needs to look for. Ok I can look to clarify that.

Also, I thought the room was empty but for him and the maid, but then you say there's other people there so in my head I'm kinda picturing them sort of... flickering in, like projections.

I think you missed where he follows the maid into another room.

 

[ctg]

I'm getting so afraid to say anything as I think people hate me and what I say because it not only comes from my heart, but I try my best to analyse the situation with what the artists gives me, and that sometimes is so hard, because I've noticed that they'll often take it the wrong way.

You have an ability to write mr glitch, and in this one, you chose to go your own way. Some could say that there's a slight chance of head-hopping, when the lady enters the room, but I understand the reason why you chose to go with this style. So stick to it and don't worry! We only can give our opinions and at the end you'll be listening you guts. If not, then add just a hint of description, reel in the pov and drop in a bit of Goblin Princess advice.

 

[Mouse]

I think you missed where he follows the maid into another room.

Oh yes, so I did. My bad.

 

[Glitch]

I'm getting so afraid to say anything as I think people hate me and what I say because it not only comes from my heart, but I try my best to analyse the situation with what the artists gives me, and that sometimes is so hard, because I've noticed that they'll often take it the wrong way.


You have an ability to write mr glitch, and in this one, you chose to go your own way. Some could say that there's a slight chance of head-hopping, when the lady enters the room, but I understand the reason why you chose to go with this style. So stick to it and don't worry! We only can give our opinions and at the end you'll be listening you guts. If not, then add just a hint of description, reel in the pov and drop in a bit of Goblin Princess advice.

Understandable on the advice front. I have felt the same with some things I've posted.

I give you my permission to go all out on anything I post. I know it's all meant in good spirit.

Noted on the head hopping.

On the subject of style. Although the theme as been on my books for over a year, this piece is a first draft written a few minutes before I posted it. I like to get people's opinions to the story/theme on a first draft.

 

[Abernovo]

It certainly piqued my interest, although hasn't quite hooked me in yet. However, it would keep me reading on, as there is definite promise here. I'm reading it as if he's using some virtual reality programme to view a scene, possibly interacting with it.

The only criticism I would make is to echo Teresa in saying that 'nobility' doesn't work for me when linked to the Victorian era clothes. They're all lords and ladies? I would imagine a gathering like that would include gentry and, barring tiaras and the like, they would probably be indistinguishable by sight.

All told, another good piece from you. I'd certainly be interested to read more of it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

hey glitch; here goes...

“Subject acquired,” said a metallic voice from the loudspeaker.It seems a little flat, but I think that's what you're aiming for? If not, the said might move. "Subject acquired." The metallic voice echoed from the loudspeaker.

James Kersey put his head gear on and laid back in the chair. Taking a deep breath he activated the computer. The beeps quickened in his ear piece. It had been a long night, and with any luck this would be his last job. ok, so I can see clearly what's happening. I have no sense of his emotion yet.

Everything went quiet and it took himI'd lose the him a moment to adjust. He focused on the flashing light to his left; it was a fireplace. He looked up at the picture hangingdon't need above the mantle. The computer picked out the facial features and started an image search.You have 2 sentences starting with he.what about: looking up at the picture above the mantle, the computer picked out his facial features, activating an image search.

A young woman in a Victorian styled maids outfit entered theroom and proceeded to draw the curtains. She was unaware of his presence, as was intended. how do we know? we're in his thoughts. The computer added her face to the queue while it continued to search for the man in the painting.and again, I now feel like I'm in the computer's thoughts.

James followed the maid as she crossed the entrance hall into another room. There were a dozen or so people in the room, all seemed to be of nobility. He walked around the room to get clearer images of their faces, which were then added to the search queue.
I think, in general, it could be tighter. James followed the maid, crossing the entrance hall to another room. in it, there were a dozen or so people; all nobility. He walked round getting clearer images of their faces, adding them to the search queue.

There was a woman in a long red dress whose face eluded him. She was moving about the room in the opposite direction to him. She was engaging with the other people; but no matter where he went she always seemed to be looking the other way.

As she opened the door she turned slightly and looked straight at him. She closed the door and his connection was lost.[/QUOTE]

Hiya, Glitch; I liked it, but I thought it could be tighter. There were some words, like the hung over the mantle place (how else could it have been there?), or the slightly in the last paragraph; I think it was enough to say she turned and looked at him. If it was made slightly more urgent, then I think it woud really draw me in.
Hope it's helpful, if not ignore. J

 

[hopewrites]

why didnt the maid hear the loud speaker?
I got the impression that The Lady was one of whatever your narrator was, but from a different 'Secret Service' where interaction is not forbidden.

Reads like a James Bond movie for me.

 

[Glitch]

Thanks all for taking the time to comment. I can see it needs to be a little tighter.

Mouse I'll let you off, this time

Abernovo. Yes it's some kind of VR system. He's using it to view people's dreams.

I've initially changed the 'nobility' to 'all seemed to be upper-class based on their clothing'

Springs. You're not supposed to be in the computers thoughts; I'll look at that.

Also the first line is supposed to be a little flat.

I put the woman only turning slightly as to not let the computer add her face to its search, but enough for him to notice.

hopewrites. The maid didn't hear the loud speaker as she's part of the dream which isn't active at that point.

The lady is the dreamer

I know if I have to explain it then I've missed the boat. You have all given me clues where to focus my efforts.

 

[Gary Compton]

I'm getting so afraid to say anything as I think people hate me and what I say because it not only comes from my heart, but I try my best to analyse the situation with what the artists gives me, and that sometimes is so hard, because I've noticed that they'll often take it the wrong way.

You have an ability to write mr glitch, and in this one, you chose to go your own way. Some could say that there's a slight chance of head-hopping, when the lady enters the room, but I understand the reason why you chose to go with this style. So stick to it and don't worry! We only can give our opinions and at the end you'll be listening you guts. If not, then add just a hint of description, reel in the pov and drop in a bit of Goblin Princess advice.

Nobody hates you CTG. To the contrary, you're a great contributor in critiques and very popular.

So from Uncle Comton, get rid of those demons in your head and keep on having your say. It'll not be long before you can get your teeth into me.

Sorry Glitch for jumping on your thread. Might have a critique tomorrow

 

[Glitch]

Here's the first rewrite. Let me know if I'm going the wrong way.

ctg, assuming you want to, let it rip!

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“Subject acquired,” said a metallic voice from the loudspeaker.

James Kersey put his head gear on and laid back in the chair. Taking a deep breath he activated the computer. The beeps quickened in his ear piece. It had been a long night, and with any luck this would be his last job before clocking off.

The beeps reached a crescendo and everything went quiet. It took a moment to adjust. There was a flashing light coming from his left. As per his training he focused on the source to help clear his vision.

“A fireplace, how quaint”.

His first objective was to identify whose head he was in. Accordingly he adjusted the search parameters to start with older people; assuming most young people would never have seen a real fireplace, let alone be able picture one in such detail.

The computer wanted more information to begin its search. James wasn’t in a rush; this seemed like a nice cosy place to spend sometime. Although he knew his supervisor would be on his back if he took too long. As the room became clearer he saw a picture hanging above the mantle. The person in the portrait looked important; if he wasn’t the dreamer, he would at least be a relative. James marked it as an item of interest letting the computer pick out the facial features to begin a person search.

A young woman in a Victorian styled maids outfit entered the room and proceeded to draw the curtains unaware of his presence. As long as he didn’t make any sudden moves he would remain invisible. He didn’t want to freak out the dreamer, well at least until he knew if it was someone important or not. The computer added her face to the search queue while it continued to looking for the man in the painting.

James followed the maid, crossing the entrance hall to an adjacent room. There were a dozen or so people in the room, all seemed to be upper-class based on their clothing. He slowly walked around the room to get clearer images of their faces, adding them to the search queue.

He noticed a woman in a long red dress whose face eluded him. She was moving about the room in the opposite direction to him. She was engaging naturally with the other people; but he couldn’t get a clear view of her face. He knew he had to be patient, but something about her piqued his interest.

The woman moved towards the door, and as she opened it she turned slightly and looked straight at him; not enough for the computer to register her, but enough for his heart to skip a beat. She closed the door and his connection was lost.


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Is it just me, or does any else notice copying and pasting from MS Word really screws with the formatting?

 

[chrispenycate]

Well, you knew what you were going to get from me, and here it is.

As the title says, does this pique your interest?

It's a small except of 260 words.

-----


“Subject acquired,” said a metallic voice from the loudspeaker.

James Kersey put his head gear

I'd go "headgear" or head-gear

on and laid

lay back (from "I lie, I lay, I have lain, not I lay, I laid, I have laid…)

back in the chair. Taking a deep breath he activated the computer. The beeps quickened

"Quicken" is generally used for the second meaning of "quick", meaning "alive". Possibly "speeded up" or "accelerated"?

in his ear piece

"earpiece" would generally be one word.

. It had been a long night, and with any luck this would be his last job.

Everything went quiet and it took him a moment to adjust. He focused on the flashing light to his left; it was a fireplace. He looked up at the picture hanging above the mantle. The computer picked out the facial features and started an image search.

A young woman in a Victorian styled maids

maid's

outfit entered the room and proceeded to draw the curtains. She was unaware of his presence, as was intended. The computer added her face to the queue while it continued to search for the man in the painting.

James followed the maid as she crossed the entrance hall into another room. There were a dozen or so people in the room, all seemed to be of

"of the nobility – oh, too late, you've already changed this one. Could you eliminate the repetition of "room"?

nobility. He walked around the room to get clearer images of their faces, which were then added to the search queue.

There was a woman in a long red dress whose face eluded him. She was moving about the room in the opposite direction to him.

If she were going in the opposite direction (rotationally, as would be indicated by the "about", I think), would they not arrive face to face every half cycle? To continuously avoid his scrutiny she must be circulating in the same direction as him.

She was engaging with the other people; but no matter where he went she always seemed to be looking the other way.

As she opened the door she turned slightly and looked straight at him. She closed the door and his connection was lost.

Whoops, didn't notice you'd actually posted the corrections. Why does it take the computer time to acquire an image? (not a criticism – since the computer's presumably getting its data through him, as I can't see any direct need for him being there otherwise, how come it can't store the shortest glimpse? Obviously, analysis would take longer.)

Oh, yes, formatting takes a serious hit when copy/pasting. When starting out it is well worth doing a "preview", rather than half a dozen "edit"s.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It doesn't pique my interest because there's no context to really give this piece any meaning.

Also, one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that the closer you write to a characters thoughts and experiences, the more the reader is drawn in - the more a story follows a detached omniscient view, like watching a film, the less engaged the reader is.

In this piece, we simply have someone watching a series of images, and I don't think it draws in effectively because we need the character experience of that. At the moment he is very passive, simply looking at things, without reflecting on their meaning. For example, the woman piques his interest - why? Is she beautiful? Does she remind him of someone? Is she wearing something unusual? Is any part of her unexpected? What is actually interesting to him? Don't tell us she is interesting - tell us why!

Of course, this can easily work fine part way through a story - but if it were an opener, I'd suggest engaging the character experience as quickly as possible.

2c.

 

[Bowler1]

On your first line maybe consider – said the machine/AI or other descriptions making it clear it is a machine is talking. It the only line in there I don’t like and from a SciFi fan stating what type of computer/machine it was would feed my technology cravings.

Otherwise very nice if a bit short to get a good feel for what you have in mind but it looks like the makings of a very good idea. I liked the pace and it flowed well for me. Not a lot of emotion in this section but as this is the technology jump then maybe it’s not really needed.

CTG, the whole point of critiques is to make people think and your opinion is highly valued by me and no doubt many others. So dust yourself off, chin up mate as we want to have someone with your skills help us along.

Yes, formatting is a pain when copied direct from word.

 

[mithril]

It did pique my interest The 2nd draft was much clearer to me than the first since I now have some idea of what is going on. However I am still not clear about this

His first objective was to identify whose head he was in. Accordingly he adjusted the search parameters to start with older people; assuming most young people would never have seen a real fireplace, let alone be able picture one in such detail.

This made me feel that the story was set in a time when fireplaces would be unfamiliar to the younger generation but later the maid in victorian clothing confused me again. Did they not have fireplaces in victorian times?

Also by the end of the piece I still had no clarity on whether the 'dreamer' and the person whose head James is in are the same. I am suspecting not, coz he could otherwise maybe look for a mirror to find out who he was?

Sorry if I am being too obtuse. The good point is that I would definitely have continued reading a bit further in the hopes that things would get clearer over the next few paragraphs.

 

[ctg]

“Subject acquired,” a mechanical voice blared out from the loudspeaker as James Kersey put on his headgear and relaxed. He took a deep breath and activated the computer. The beeps quickened in his ear piece. It had been a long night, and with any luck this would be his last job before clocking off.

To me it wasn't close enough perspective and as this is the beginning, you want to reel in the perspective as soon as you can. It didn't need much of editing and one point I'd like make is that a mechanical voice suits computer better than a metallic. The reason is that metallic sounds like cylon, and mechanical can be anything in between.

The beeps reached a crescendo and everything went quiet. It took a moment to adjust. There was a flashing light coming from his left. As per his training he focused on the source to help clear his vision.

I'd like a tad bit more of description in the light. What does it mean? Is it the computer generating the imaginary?

James followed the maid, crossing the entrance hall to an adjacent room. There were a dozen or so people in the room, all seemed to be upper-class based on their clothing. He slowly walked around the room to get clearer images of their faces, adding them to the search queue.

I understand the reason why you write this in such a omniscient perspective, but one thing I don't understand why is that there are search parameters. You could drop in a bit more information by using his thoughts and some feelings.


With your third rewrite, try to focus on the character and add up more emotions, small monologues or then do what I did with your first para, and modify it so that the narrative comes from the close third rather than from the omniscient narrator.

Ps. Yes, it's an intriguing story and it has a great possibility to drawn in a number of readers.

 

[mithril]

The lady is the dreamer

Sorry Glitch. Missed that