My 1000 Post Critique

[paranoid marvin]

A Grand Entry

Chapter 1: A New World


Let me tell you a story about a human being called David, who lived in the Real World. This was where he spent most of his time, sleeping, eating and working (in that order of priority I'm afraid to say), although he did devote some of his spare time to staring through the windows in his bedroom.

These windows weren't ordinary framed panes of glass though. They were gates; portals into another world - Our World. Whilst in Our World, David was fortunate enough to have a guide; an animal spirit in the guise of a small rodent. This guide (who shall remain nameless) made sure that his ward would only see the things that he wanted to see, and keep him away from those he didn't.

You might say that David was very lucky to have an opportunity to see beyond the normal hum-drum of daily life in the Real World; but I'm sad to say that human beings are restless creatures and soon grow tired of even the most wonderful of things.

His animal spirit (as all good guides should) became aware of this restlessness, and decided it was time to show David things beyond what he had been shown in the past. And so it came to pass that he discovered the Spooky Fantastical Forest.

As I'm sure your guardians have already told you (if they are good guardians), the Spooky Fantastical Forest can seem a foreboding place to go to alone.But of course David did not know this, and trusting his spirit guide, found himself drawn towards this unexplored place.

The first thing that he noticed about the site of the Forest was that it was surrounded by posts; was someone trying to keep people out, or keep something in? On closer inspection each post had a name inscribed on it, but none were any he had ever heard human beings called back in the Real World; perhaps they were the names of people from the Other Side (this is what he called our World).

Just as he was wondering whether to ask his spirit guide if it was possible to create a post of his own, he noticed a strange thing poking it's nose out from the outer-most trees of the Spooky Fantastical Forest. On closer insection it appeared to be a bear; which isn't such an unusual thing to see in a forest you might think, but for the fact that this appeared to be a polar bear.

And that, my friends, is where we shall leave the story for the time being.

 

[Glitch]

Congrats on 1,000 (and 24) posts. I'm a long way off from that one.

Interesting. Reads like a children's story, intentional ?

I got a little tongue tied over 'foreboding place to go to alone', It seemed to break the rhythm of the rest of the work.

'On closer inspeation each post' I'm guessing you mean inspection.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Thanks for the reply. Yes a spelling mistake (I'll go back and correct it - didnt put it through a spell-checker, arghh!).

'To go to alone' - I thought of putting ''to go alnoe to' or 'to go alone' , but none seemd quite right.

I was always interested in 'The Hobbit' and Rudyard Kipling; both wrote in a style that spoke to adults and children. I hope to walk in the footsteps of such writers, but my prints of course leave little impression compared to theirs.

 

[alchemist]

Congrats on the 1,000, Marvin!

An autobiographical tale, eh? Nicely done, especially the posts with the names.

I'm a little worried about what the bear is going to do in the woods, though.

 

[Warren_Paul]

A Grand Entry

Chapter 1: A New World


Let me tell you a story about a human being called David, who lived in the Real World. This was where he spent most of his time, sleeping, eating and working (in that order of priority I'm afraid to say), although he did devote some of his spare time to staring through the windows in his bedroom.

These windows weren't ordinary framed panes of glass though. They were gates; portals into another world - Our World. Whilst in Our World, David was fortunate enough to have a guide; an animal spirit in the guise of a small rodent. This guide (who shall remain nameless) made sure that his ward would only see the things that he wanted to see, and keep him away from those he didn't.

You might say that David was very lucky to have an opportunity to see beyond the normal hum-drum of daily life in the Real World; -should this really be a semi-colon?- but I'm sad to say that human beings are restless creatures and soon grow tired of even the most wonderful of things.

His animal spirit (as all good guides should) became aware of this restlessness, and decided it was time to show David things beyond what he had been shown in the past. And so it came to pass that he discovered the Spooky Fantastical Forest.

As I'm sure your guardians have already told you (if they are good guardians), the Spooky Fantastical Forest can seem a foreboding place to go to alone.But of course David did not know this, and trusting his spirit guide, found himself drawn towards this unexplored place.

The first thing that he noticed about the site of the Forest was that it was surrounded by posts; was someone trying to keep people out, or keep something in? On closer inspection each post had a name inscribed on it, but none were any he had ever heard human beings called back in the Real World; -I'd make this semi-colon a fullstop- perhaps they were the names of people from the Other Side (this is what he called our World).-Question mark?-

Just as he was wondering whether to ask his spirit guide if it was possible to create a post of his own, he noticed a strange thing poking it's nose out from the outer-most trees of the Spooky Fantastical Forest. On closer insection it appeared to be a bear; which isn't such an unusual thing to see in a forest you might think, but for the fact that this appeared to be a polar bear. -How did Ursa Major get in your story?-

Ah, the classic omni PoV. I thought it was a fun story to read, and clearly for younger readers. Just a few nit-picky grammar issues, although I might be wrong on those, so will see.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Congratulations on reaching 1000!

I really like this -- I think it captures some of both the Hobbit and Kipling, very nicely. I'll just pick on a few nit-picky issues, mostly with punctuation.

Let me tell you a story about a human being called David, who lived in the Real World. This was where he spent most of his time, sleeping, eating and working (in that order of prioritycomma I'm afraid to say), although he did devote some of his spare time to staring through the windows in his bedroom.

These windows weren't ordinary framed panes of glasscomma though. They were gates; portals into another world - Our World. Whilst in Our World, David was fortunate enough to have a guide;colon instead an animal spirit in the guise of a small rodent. This guide (who shall remain nameless) made sure that his ward would only see the things that he wanted to see, and kept him away from those he didn't.

You might say that David was very lucky to have an opportunity to see beyond the normal hum-drum of daily life in the Real World;comma instead but I'm sad to say that human beings are restless creatures and soon grow tired of even the most wonderful of things.

His animal spirit (as all good guides should) became aware of this restlessness, and decided it was time to show David things beyond what he had been shown in the past. And so it came to pass that he discovered the Spooky Fantastical Forest.

As I'm sure your guardians have already told you (if they are good guardians), the Spooky Fantastical Forest can seem a foreboding place to go to (if one is?) alone.spaceBut of course David did not know this, and trusting his spirit guide, found himself drawn towards this unexplored place.

The first thing that he noticed about the site of the Forest was that it was surrounded by posts; was someone trying to keep people out, or keep something in? On closer inspection each post had a name inscribed on it, but none were any he had ever heard human beings called back in the Real World; perhaps they were the names of people from the Other Side (this is what he called Our World).

Just as he was wondering whether to ask his spirit guide if it was possible to create a post of his own, he noticed a strange thing poking its nose out from the outer-most trees of the Spooky Fantastical Forest. On closer inspection(this is the second "on closer inspection" in two paragraphs; maybe something else?) it appeared to be a bear; this isn't such an unusual thing to see in a forestcomma you might think, but for the fact that it appeared to be a polar bear.

 

[hopewrites]

I thoroughly loved it and expect there to be more. It has the feel of books that were read out to me as a child, with language that made me want to stretch and learn more about the world I live in without being out of reach. Books that I enjoy reading out to my son and nephews that help push the bounds of their attention because there are no pictures, but are captivating non-the-less.

Thank you so much for sharing it with us!! (and congrats on so meany well thought out and delightful posts, that this charming little tale is right on par with)

 

[Boneman]

Good to see some work, Marvin! I like the narrative voice, and I can hear Stephen Fry reading it... don't ask me why, I guess it's the well-modulated tones that come through in the writing. Only one sentence jarred for me:

On closer inspection each post had a name inscribed on it, but none were any he had ever heard human beings called back in the Real World;

It's the 'ever heard human beings called back' that jumbles me up. I thought they were being called back, in my first scan. I had to read it two or three times to get it. I tried reading it aloud, and wanted a comma after 'called', but it still seemed awkward.

Other than that, it's a great opening to a story, and I love the narrator already!"

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I really loved it, and could see my kids being totally drawn in. One little bit I did notice was the double that in this bit, I thought the first could go.

first thing that he noticed about the site of the Forest was that it was surrounded by posts

 

[Bowler1]

Clearly for the younger readers. I don't know a lot about this market so feel free to ignore, but you had a number of ; linked sentences that ran on that lost the younger feel, for me anyway.

about the site of the Forest - to - about the Forest.
Feels better to me, but fine as is.

A very nice fun feel to your writing which I enjoyed, I thought it was very good indeed.

I’m glad that the readers you’re aiming for have no idea what bears do in woods.

 

[The Judge]

Congratulations on the 1,000 posts! And plaudits for adhering to revered tradition (even if you had to be nudged...)

A neat, humorous beginning to a children's story, though I wasn't too sure about the age group it was aimed at. To me the word choice and repetition (eg two "things" in close proximity) made it seem very young. But I've no idea about children and children's books, so that's probably no help!

A few punctuation errors, most of which TDZ picked up. I think I'd removed some more of the semi-colons, myself, and trust more to commas and full stops to do the necessary. I agree with springs about the excess "that"s, in fact there are one or two others which could be shown the door, I think.

A couple of word use issues:
humdrum is all one word, not hyphenated, and it's an adjective not a noun, so it shouldn't be "the... humdrum of daily life" unless you are deliberately mis-using it/making a noun out of it for effect. (In which case you'll have to do that everywhere, to make it clear it's a deliberate technique, and not simply a mistake.)
foreboding as an adjective means implying that something bad is going to happen, so a silence can be foreboding, but I don't think a forest can imply anything. Do you mean forbidding ie menacing/threatening?
site means the place, or the area of ground, and if you'd just said "the first thing he noticed about the site was that..." it would have seemed a touch odd, but grammatically it would be correct. But by speaking of "the site of the Forest" you've changed its meaning slightly, so you're now talking about its situation viz a viz the rest of the Other Side, ie whether it's in a valley or on a mountain, so speaking of its being surrounded by posts is no longer correct. (I agree with Bowler's suggested amendment.)
outermost is also one word, not hypenated

A few clunky sentences eg

decided it was time to show David things beyond what he had been shown in the past

although the "what" used in this way is usual in ordinary speech, it is grammatically incorrect and for me it jarred with the narrator's voice, and the "he had been shown" is too passive. And the following sentence,

And so it came to pass that he discovered the Spooky Fantastical Forest.

although fine in itself, has an ambiguous "he" since it was the guide who was the subject of the previous sentence, so you need "David" here.

Also I agree with Boneman about the sentence he picked out, which reads as a bit odd -- and "none" takes the singular, so it's "none was" not "were"

And I was confused with

made sure that his ward would only see the things that he wanted to see, and keep him away from those he didn't

As written this means David only sees things David wants to see -- but how does David know what he wants to see, if he hasn't seen them before? Has he been told about them? If so, that might be an interesting thing to know here. Or did you mean the guide only showed David things that he (the guide) wanted David to see, ie the guide is censoring his viewing?

But yes, fun for the children!

 

[hopewrites]

I was sure the "site" was used as cleaver word play, and therefor venture my opinion that it be left in.