Chapter 1 The dying Wanderer

[Sho Pi]

This is the beginning of chapter 1 of a long story that I'm writing that is a sort of companion piece to a more serious story I'm developping. The main chararcters of this story will all feature in the more serious story, but not untill later on. I've made this story a more light hearted adventure/love story that allows the main characters to explore the world I've created and the history and mythology behind it.

I hope you can give me good criticism about the content, the style and the main character. I of course always appreciate if people point out mistakes in the grammar or sentence structure, but mainly I want to hear about the story itself.



Chapter 1 The dying Wanderer


Illuminated by the midday sun, its shadows shortened to squat stubs of their past and future selves, a brightly multi-coloured cottage-wagon trotted along on a little-used path through a forest. On the seat of the wagon sat a man of an indistinct physique. At first glance one wouldn’t consider him anything out of the ordinary. He wasn’t tall or particularly muscular, he didn’t wear fine clothes or any visible weapons, nor were his looks much more than average. Only his dark, dishevelled hair seemed somewhat peculiar. If it wasn’t for the oddly coloured wagon he drove or the small snow-lemur he kept as a pet, passersby would never look twice at him.

A dense forest significantly limited the view of the world that Jonndi currently had. The late-summer sun unimpeded by clouds had not a shimmer of a chance of penetrating the canopy on either side of him. This was something that greatly irritated Jonndi because he had no idea where he was.

‘I told you we should have taken the road heading northeast, this morning. This path looks like it hasn’t seen so much as a traveller on foot in the last couple of years. I’m half-expecting the forest to have reclaimed this excuse for a road every time I look behind me.’

During that sudden outburst Kaikias stirred from his resting place on Boreas’ broad back and gave Jonndi a bemused look.

Jonndi stared into the intelligent eyes of his small companion and smiled. ‘So I’m talking to myself, it’s not like it’s the first time. This place makes me feel uncomfortable, the forest is far too quiet.’

Kaikias jumped up and landed gracefully on Jonndi’s right shoulder. Steadying himself by wrapping his long tail around Jonndi’s neck he climbed on top of his head and started playing with the wind-chimes that hung on the roof of the wagon.

A sudden outburst of laughter rang through forest. ‘That’s a good one. My snow-lemur is concerned for my mental health. Well, that proves it. I am in dire need of some civilization. I just hope this road won’t go on forever.’

The road ran north, straight as an arrow, until beyond the horizon. It was unmistakably a military road though no longer in use. Some general or king of the past had felt the need for a direct route, though Jonndi had no idea from where to where. He just hoped that the destination or starting-point of this military mishap was still there, because he really didn’t feel like travelling all the way back on it.

For a moment Jonndi believed that the sun and the solitude had finally made him go insane. An old man came staggering out of the dense forest, chest heaving rapidly, clothes torn, he looked like he had been running for days. But from where?

The sudden apparition looked behind him into the darkness from which he came, wearing a panic-stricken look on his face. Jonndi shifted in his seat, realizing he could find himself in a precarious situation very quickly. It was the story of his life, always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As the old man turned around, Jonndi suddenly recognized him and saw the same recognition reflected in the man’s eyes, who then, with an audible sigh of relieve, collapsed onto the ground.

Worried, Jonndi jumped off the wagon and ran to his old friend. Kneeling by his side Jonndi examined the frail body looking for any signs of harm. The man’s breath had become shallow and his pulse felt weak and irregular, but the prone figure was merely unconscious and Jonndi couldn’t find any reason for his friend not to recover.

Just as Jonndi was about to carry his friend into the wagon, a squad of legionnaires came running onto the road about fifty paces ahead of him. Eyeing them suspiciously, Jonndi moved to stand in between them and his friend.

As soon as the soldiers saw him they straightened up to form some semblance of military order. Following their commander they moved towards him. Jonndi noticed that a slight unease seemed to have fallen over them. Like they had not expected company in this place.

Jonndi studied them. They were Avarian, nothing unusual about them. Maybe, they were some sort of special forces. Why else would a squad of ten soldiers be out here, so far away from any army or fortress? Still it were strange times in West Avaria. Jonndi looked around to his friend, a Wanderer he knew a long time ago. What needed the Lord of the West from him?

Let’s find out, then. Jonndi stepped forward and lifted his arm as a greeting. ‘Good day sirs. What is it that brings you here on this Spirit-forsaken road. And by such an unconventional route, no less. It’s enough to make a man wonder at your purpose here.’

The soldiers stared at him quizzically. For a moment Jonndi saw that same uncertainty in their eyes he had noticed earlier. This was not something he was used to seeing in Avarian legionnaires. What was the Lord of the West demanding of them that they so easily wavered.
Then the Decurion leading this band of lost-looking soldiers stepped forward. ‘This doesn’t concern you. We have orders to take that man with us. He is an escaped prisoner and we have to take him back to be executed.’

A cold rage burgeoned deep within Jonndi. What had this world come to when someone had the audacity to order the murder of a Wanderer. Orders that were then followed. No, he could not stand for this.

‘You don’t want to kill him.’

‘Sir, we have our orders. General Algevaro wants his head.’

The soldier dropped the name with the air of someone who knew that there was no one within thousands of miles who had the authority or the bravery to stand in the way of his boss’ orders. Who would be stupid enough to incur the wrath of the most powerful man on the continent, especially since that man lead an army of a size that hadn’t been seen in centuries.

However, Jonndi didn’t even flinch and continued in a calm and determined tone. ‘Still, you really don’t want to kill this man, not while I’m around. You see, I’m not the kind of person you want to make mad. As far as I’m concerned; the Lord of the West can go rot in a ditch.’ Jonndi stepped closer to the soldiers as his voice and demeanour slowly grew more menacing.

This took the soldiers aback for a moment, until their leader unsheathed his sword. He looked at Jonndi with a cocky smirk on his face. ‘How would you hope to stop us? You have no weapons.’
Jonndi heaved a deep sigh and shook his head in disgust. ‘Weapons? Who needs weapons? Only little soldier-boys playing at war ever need weapons. Why would you need a weapon when you’re perfectly unafraid of what’s facing you. I don’t need weapons, I have my heart, my wit, -- and a mischievous little monkey called Kaikias. Do you want to meet him, because I think he wants to get to know you guys better.’ Jonndi smiled at his foes and winked.

A little, white ball of fur came flying through the air from somewhere behind Jonndi and landed on the helmet of the front-most legionnaire. Startled by the sudden addition of an animal to the weight on his head, the soldier dropped his sword in a frantic attempt to remove it. However, Kaikias was having none of it. The animal avoided all the soldier’s attempts of grabbing hold of him and then smoothly jumped towards the nearest soldier that was coming to his Decurion’s aid.

For a moment Jonndi stood and admired the ensuing chaos. It wasn’t often one got to see ten Avarian legionnaires jumping around, failing miserably at trying to catch a snow-lemur that was hopping from helmet to helmet.

Still, he hadn’t forgotten his old friend, lying unconscious on the ground. At some point even Avarian legionnaires would realize they didn’t need all ten of them to deal with one pesky monkey. Jonndi quickly turned around and walked to where the man lay. He lifted the old man up and half-carried him into the woods. The mist that had suddenly rolled in out of nowhere provided a perfect means of escape.

 

[The Judge]

Hi there. I'm afraid you've been struck by the curse of the software! It rips out any formatting you had when you copied and pasted, and in particular it doesn't allow for first line indents. So to avoid the wall-of-text problem, it's necessary to leave one line's complete space between each paragraph.

You've plenty of time for editing, but if you run into difficulties, just holler, and I'll do what I can.

 

[Sho Pi]

Hi there. I'm afraid you've been struck by the curse of the software! It rips out any formatting you had when you copied and pasted, and in particular it doesn't allow for first line indents. So to avoid the wall-of-text problem, it's necessary to leave one line's complete space between each paragraph.

You've plenty of time for editing, but if you run into difficulties, just holler, and I'll do what I can.

Okay, thanks. I believe it's alright like this.

 

[chrispenycate]

I'm afraid I don't do style, only the easy stuff. But please note: when you copy/paste into the forum, preview post before submitting. The thing eats all formatting, and there are no paragraph indents left, so you invariably have to add spaces between the paragraphs to stop it being a wall of text, dark and impenetrable, that nobody's going to venture into.

I did it for you this time, but watch out in the future, okay?

So why does the somewhat over adjectivised wagon have multiple shadows if there's only one sun? And how can Jonndi suspect the path has not been used for years, if the branches have been trimmed back well enough that the sun is shining onto the road/path/track? Or is he just grumbling for the sake of it?

‘So I’m talking to myself, it’s not like it’s the first time. This place makes me feel uncomfortable, the forest is far too quiet.’

Couple of comma splices (just to show it's me doing the reading).

An old man came staggering out of the dense forest, chest heaving rapidly, clothes torn, he looked like he had been running for days.

Another comma splice (after "forest", or after "torn", either works. Where did you want to put the major pause?). Oh, and as I learnt grammar, that "like" should be an "as if", but I wouldn't have stopped for that.

saw the same recognition reflected in the man’s eyes, who then, with an audible sigh of relieve, collapsed onto the ground.

It's "relief"; and did his eyes sigh and collapse?

Still it were strange times in West Avaria.

Using the singular "it" with plural "strange times" makes it difficult to decide if the verb should be in the singular or plural, doesn't it?

especially since that man lead an army of a size that hadn’t been seen in centuries.

Led. You can only get that pronunciation on that spelling if it's a soft, greyish metal.

[As far as I’m concerned; the Lord of the West can go rot in a ditch/Quote] Why the extra pause of a semicolon? It seems to me the sentence carries on continuously, without even a comma.

Do you want to meet him, because I think he wants to get to know you guys better.’

'd like a question mark at the end, please.

 

[ctg]

Style bits, eh? Sure you can do style Chris and you have been doing them all along, but guess I'll have to provide some comment to it.

Illuminated by the midday sun, its shadows shortened to squat stubs of their past and future selves, a brightly multi-coloured cottage-wagon trotted along on a little-used path through a forest. On the seat of the wagon sat a man of an indistinct physique. At first glance one wouldn’t consider him anything out of the ordinary. He wasn’t tall or particularly muscular, he didn’t wear fine clothes or any visible weapons, nor were his looks much more than average. Only his dark, dishevelled hair seemed somewhat peculiar. If it wasn’t for the oddly coloured wagon he drove or the small snow-lemur he kept as a pet, passersby would never look twice at him.

I got a problem with the first and the last sentence as you can see. The first didn't engage me at all. Actually I skipped it and moved to the second straight away. So if there's something you can do, then please do it. Then you have the last sentence and I understand what you're trying to achieve by telling it there, but that alone is a bit too much of exposition. I would have liked to see him as one of those that has dropped out from the map of the world and nobody sees him. Not because he's invisible, but bccause he's a hobo, a homeless wanderer and everyone's too busy to notice him. So what you have done here has eliminated you a chance to tell that bit of story.

The road ran north, straight as an arrow, until beyond the horizon. It was unmistakably a military road though no longer in use. Some general or king of the past had felt the need for a direct route, though Jonndi had no idea from where to where. He just hoped that the destination or starting-point of this military mishap was still there, because he really didn’t feel like travelling all the way back on it.

For a moment Jonndi believed that the sun and the solitude had finally made him go insane. An old man came staggering out of the dense forest, chest heaving rapidly, clothes torn, he looked like he had been running for days. But from where?

Read carefully these two paras as this is where you style changes from one narrator to another. In first you'll see omniscient you and in second you're approaching the close third. What I'm thinking is that you should choose one and stick to it. There is nothing wrong in omniscient narrator taken than you don't do constant head-hopping, and that you limit the POV to be a fly on the wall. However, if you're going to drop in the character head then start getting in from that second para in and stay there till the chapter breaks.

As the old man turned around, Jonndi suddenly recognized him and saw the same recognition reflected in the man’s eyes, who then, with an audible sigh of relieve, collapsed onto the ground.

Worried, Jonndi jumped off the wagon and ran to his old friend. Kneeling by his side Jonndi examined the frail body looking for any signs of harm. The man’s breath had become shallow and his pulse felt weak and irregular, but the prone figure was merely unconscious and Jonndi couldn’t find any reason for his friend not to recover.

Just as Jonndi was about to carry his friend into the wagon, a squad of legionnaires came running onto the road about fifty paces ahead of him. Eyeing them suspiciously, Jonndi moved to stand in between them and his friend.

You miss a lot of character drama by sticking to look the scene from fly's perspective and not giving a character a chance to really express themselves. If you want I would advice you to write the scene in first person and then comparing it to this one. Do you see the difference?

Then the Decurion leading this band of lost-looking soldiers stepped forward. ‘This doesn’t concern you. We have orders to take that man with us. He is an escaped prisoner and we have to take him back to be executed.’

Why did he had to tell him that bit of information? What purpose does it serve? Couldn't you had let the character to do his own analysis?

You could had written - if this cursed keyboard allows me to show you:

Then the Decurion stepped forward. "This doesn't corcern you," He declared in loud voice. "He's our prisoner. So step back or face the consequences."

Jonddi looked a band of brothers creating a semi-circle behind their leader. Each and everyone of them had a hand wrapped around gladius, and shield readied to block a sudden strike. Whatever the old man had done, he certainly didn't deserve this. But neither he was ready to step back either.

"How do I know you're strike me down any ways?"

"We are not murderers," the Decurion said. "He is."

The old man murderer? Jonddi shook his head vehemently. Could it be true?

"Take him." The decurion pointed the old man and straight away two legioner's stepped out from the ranks and approached the old man with their shields raised to a block. When they stopped and kneeled down behind their shields, Jonddi said, "Ehem. Leave him alone."

"There's twelve of us and one you," the decurion hoiked. "Take him."

"Don't do it," Jonddi said calmly. "I'm warning you."


​

A bit of Clint Eastwood there, but I hope you get the point as what you don't say can be read from actions.

‘Weapons? Who needs weapons? Only little soldier-boys playing at war ever need weapons. Why would you need a weapon when you’re perfectly unafraid of what’s facing you. I don’t need weapons, I have my heart, my wit, -- and a mischievous little monkey called Kaikias. Do you want to meet him, because I think he wants to get to know you guys better.’ Jonndi smiled at his foes and winked.

I would move the highlighted bit to own para or at the beginning of next one.

He lifted the old man up and half-carried him into the woods. The mist that had suddenly rolled in out of nowhere provided a perfect means of escape

He lifted the old man up and turned around as headed back to the woods, and in the every step that he took a mist started to rise from the ground.

I think you have a nice, good foundation that needs now a bit of overlook and rewrite in places to eliminate the mistakes. So think about getting in that limited third rather than letting the omniscient narrator to rule your story.

 

[Bowler1]

Illuminated by the midday sun, its shadows shortened to squat stubs of their past and future selves, a brightly multi-coloured cottage-wagon trotted along on a little-used path through a forest. On the seat of the wagon sat a man of an indistinct physique. At first glance one wouldn’t consider him anything out of the ordinary. He wasn’t tall or particularly muscular, he didn’t wear fine clothes or any visible weapons, nor were his looks much more than average. Only his dark, dishevelled hair seemed somewhat peculiar. If it wasn’t for the oddly coloured wagon he drove or the small snow-lemur he kept as a pet, passersby would never look twice at him.
The first line felt odd, would there not be shade in a forest? What passer-by? Otherwise a good section.

A dense forest significantly limited the view of the world that Jonndi currently had. The late-summer sun unimpeded by clouds had not a shimmer of a chance of penetrating the canopy on either side of him. This was something that greatly irritated Jonndi because he had no idea where he was.
Clashes with the first line and the sun described there.

‘I told you we should have taken the road heading northeast, this morning. This path looks like it hasn’t seen so much as a traveller on foot in the last couple of years. I’m half-expecting the forest to have reclaimed this excuse for a road every time I look behind me.’
Who said the above?
During that sudden outburst Kaikias stirred from his resting place on Boreas’ broad back and gave Jonndi a bemused look.

Jonndi stared into the intelligent eyes of his small companion and smiled. ‘So I’m talking to myself, it’s not like it’s the first time. This place makes me feel uncomfortable, the forest is far too quiet.’
OK, clear now. I’d shift it around a bit to make it clearer for the reader, but it does work.
Kaikias jumped up and landed gracefully on Jonndi’s right shoulder. Steadying himself by wrapping his long tail around Jonndi’s neck he climbed on top of his head and started playing with the wind-chimes that hung on the roof of the wagon.

A sudden outburst of laughter rang through forest. ‘That’s a good one. My snow-lemur is concerned for my mental health. Well, that proves it. I am in dire need of some civilization. I just hope this road won’t go on forever.’

The road ran north, straight as an arrow, until beyond the horizon. It was unmistakably a military road though no longer in use. Some general or king of the past had felt the need for a direct route, though Jonndi had no idea from where to where. He just hoped that the destination or starting-point of this military mishap was still there, because he really didn’t feel like travelling all the way back on it.

For a moment Jonndi believed that the sun and the solitude had finally made him go insane. An old man came staggering out of the dense forest, chest heaving rapidly, clothes torn, he looked like he had been running for days. But from where?
Insane I felt was too strong a word here. Running, felt like an odd link for the character to make who has no way of knowing, more like a writer idea dropped in – minor points – its works ok.

The sudden apparition looked behind him into the darkness from which he came, wearing a panic-stricken look on his face. Jonndi shifted in his seat, realizing he could find himself in a precarious situation very quickly. It was the story of his life, always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
In red is telling, feeling panic I think would have pulled the reader in more.

As the old man turned around, Jonndi suddenly recognized him and saw the same recognition reflected in the man’s eyes, who then, with an audible sigh of relieve, collapsed onto the ground.

Worried, Jonndi jumped off the wagon and ran to his old friend. Kneeling by his side Jonndi examined the frail body looking for any signs of harm. The man’s breath had become shallow and his pulse felt weak and irregular, but the prone figure was merely unconscious and Jonndi couldn’t find any reason for his friend not to recover.
That was a very quick medical assessment that spoiled the tension a bit.

Just as Jonndi was about to carry his friend into the wagon, a squad of legionnaires came running onto the road about fifty paces ahead of him. Eyeing them suspiciously, Jonndi moved to stand in between them and his friend.

As soon as the soldiers saw him they straightened up to form some semblance of military order. Following their commander they moved towards him. Jonndi noticed that a slight unease seemed to have fallen over them. Like they had not expected company in this place.

Jonndi studied them. They were Avarian, nothing unusual about them. Maybe, they were some sort of special forces. Why else would a squad of ten soldiers be out here, so far away from any army or fortress? Still it were strange times in West Avaria. Jonndi looked around to his friend, a Wanderer he knew a long time ago. What needed the Lord of the West from him?
No emotion from the three sections above, and a switch to narrative, no spark to it and very little tension.

Let’s find out, then (felt like telling). Jonndi stepped forward and lifted his arm as a greeting. ‘Good day sirs. What is it that brings you here on this Spirit-forsaken road. And by such an unconventional route, no less. It’s enough to make a man wonder at your purpose here.’
Complete lack of emotion here which fails to engage me, and I want to be engaged as well.

The soldiers stared at him quizzically. For a moment Jonndi saw that same uncertainty in their eyes he had noticed earlier. This was not something he was used to seeing in Avarian legionnaires. What was the Lord of the West demanding of them that they so easily wavered.
Then the Decurion leading this band of lost-looking soldiers stepped forward. ‘This doesn’t concern you. We have orders to take that man with us. He is an escaped prisoner and we have to take him back to be executed.’
I was not aware of the 50 paces gap having been closed. The lord line does not help me, comes out of left field.

A cold rage burgeoned deep within Jonndi. What had this world come to when someone had the audacity to order the murder of a Wanderer. Orders that were then followed. No, he could not stand for this.
Last line was sort of telling.

‘You don’t want to kill him.’

‘Sir, we have our orders. General Algevaro wants his head.’
The dialogue is flat.

The soldier dropped the name with the air of someone who knew that there was no one within thousands of miles who had the authority or the bravery to stand in the way of his boss’ orders. Who would be stupid enough to incur the wrath of the most powerful man on the continent, especially since that man lead an army of a size that hadn’t been seen in centuries.
This is telling and kills off a lot of the suspense for me.

However, Jonndi didn’t even flinch and continued in a calm and determined tone. ‘Still, you really don’t want to kill this man, not while I’m around. You see, I’m not the kind of person you want to make mad. As far as I’m concerned; the Lord of the West can go rot in a ditch.’ Jonndi stepped closer to the soldiers as his voice and demeanour slowly grew more menacing.
Ohhh! Incredible Hulk?

This took the soldiers aback for a moment, until their leader unsheathed his sword. He looked at Jonndi with a cocky smirk on his face. ‘How would you hope to stop us? You have no weapons.’
Jonndi heaved a deep sigh and shook his head in disgust. ‘Weapons? Who needs weapons? Only little soldier-boys playing at war ever need weapons. Why would you need a weapon when you’re perfectly unafraid of what’s facing you. I don’t need weapons, I have my heart, my wit, -- and a mischievous little monkey called Kaikias. Do you want to meet him, because I think he wants to get to know you guys better.’ Jonndi smiled at his foes and winked.
Double Ohhh! Guys - I think is a modern word, I may be wrong, but it felt a tiny bit odd for me.

A little, white ball of fur came flying through the air from somewhere behind Jonndi and landed on the helmet of the front-most legionnaire. Startled by the sudden addition of an animal to the weight on his head, the soldier dropped his sword in a frantic attempt to remove it. However, Kaikias was having none of it. The animal avoided all the soldier’s attempts of grabbing hold of him and then smoothly jumped towards the nearest soldier that was coming to his Decurion’s aid.

For a moment Jonndi stood and admired the ensuing chaos. It wasn’t often one got to see ten Avarian legionnaires jumping around, failing miserably at trying to catch a snow-lemur that was hopping from helmet to helmet.

Still, he hadn’t forgotten his old friend, lying unconscious on the ground. At some point even Avarian legionnaires would realize they didn’t need all ten of them to deal with one pesky monkey. Jonndi quickly turned around and walked to where the man lay. He lifted the old man up and half-carried him into the woods. The mist that had suddenly rolled in out of nowhere provided a perfect means of escape.

Sho Pi – I have nit picked a lot, but that is because in general I liked the pace of the section posted. You switch between narrative and the character, with some telling, even within sections which feels bumpy (rubbish description, but I hope you get the idea). Anyway my 5c, or 1p (UK version), I liked it. Consider some more emotion from your character and beware telling too much.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Chapter 1 The dying Wanderer


Illuminated by the midday sun, its shadowsI can't understand why shadows is plural - isn't there only one wagon? shortened to squat stubs of their past and future selves, a brightly multi-coloured cottage-wagon trotted along on - i don't think you need a little-used path through a forest. On the seat of the wagon sat a man of an indistinct physique. At first glance one wouldn’t consider him anything out of the ordinary.these two sentences are largely saying the same thing. He wasn’t tall or particularly muscular, he didn’t wear fine clothes or any visible weapons, nor were his looks much more than average. Only his dark, dishevelled hair seemed somewhat peculiar. If it wasn’t for the oddly coloured wagon he drove or the small snow-lemur he kept as a pet, passersby would never look twice at him.I felt a bit hit over the head with it all - he's ordinary looking apart from his hair.

A dense forest significantly limited the view of the world that Jonndi currently had. The late-summer sun unimpeded by clouds had not a shimmer of a chance of penetrating the canopy on either side of him. This was something that greatly irritated Jonndi because he had no idea where he was.so why the shadows if the canopy is too thick for the sun to come through.

‘I told you we should have taken the road heading northeast, this morning. This path looks like it hasn’t seen so much as a traveller on foot in the last couple of years. I’m half-expecting the forest to have reclaimed this excuse for a road every time I look behind me.’

During that sudden outburst Kaikias stirred from his resting place on Boreas’ broad back and gave Jonndi a bemused look.I think it might have been easier for me if they'd been placed earlier. When I read the sentence above I thought he was muttering to himself, now I'm having to rethink my image and that lifts me out of it.

Jonndi stared into the intelligent eyes of his small companion and smiled. ‘So I’m talking to myself, it’s not like it’s the first time. This place makes me feel uncomfortable, the forest is far too quiet.’Okay, so Kaikias is the snow lemur, and I'm taken out of it again. Could you say his name in the opening paragraph?

Kaikias jumped updon't need and landed gracefully on Jonndi’s right shoulder. Steadying himself by wrapping his long tail around Jonndi’s neck he climbed on top of his head and started playing with the wind-chimes that hung on the roof of the wagon.

A sudden outburst of laughter rang through forest. ‘That’s a good one. My snow-lemur is concerned for my mental health. Well, that proves it. I am in dire need of some civilization. I just hope this road won’t go on forever.’

The road ran north, straight as an arrow, until beyond the horizon. It was unmistakably a military road though no longer in use. Some general or king of the past had felt the need for a direct route, though Jonndi had no idea from where to where. He just hoped that the destination or starting-point of this military mishap was still there, because he really didn’t feel like travelling all the way back on it.

For a moment Jonndi believed that the sun and the solitude had finally made him go insane. An old man came staggering out of the dense forest, chest heaving rapidly, clothes torn, he looked like he had been running for days. But from where?I'd switch this so the old man comes out first and then he thinks he's going insane.

The sudden apparition looked behind him into the darkness from which he came, wearing a panic-stricken look on his face. Jonndi shifted in his seat, realizing he could find himself in a precarious situation very quickly. It was the story of his life, always in the wrong place at the wrong time. a fair bit of telling here.

As the old man turned around, Jonndi suddenly recognized him and saw the same recognition reflected in the man’s eyes, who then, with an audible sigh of relieverelief, collapsed onto the ground.

Worried, Jonndi jumped off the wagon and ran to his old friend. Kneeling by his side Jonndi examined the frail body looking for any signs of harm. The man’s breath had become shallow and his pulse felt weak and irregular, but the prone figure was merely unconscious and Jonndi couldn’t find any reason for his friend not to recover.is he a doctor? he seems enough to know a weak, irregular pulse yet still know it's not serious. I'd be a lot more worried.

Just as Jonndi was about to carry his friend into the wagon, a squad of legionnaires came running onto the road about fifty paces ahead of him. Eyeing them suspiciously, Jonndi moved to stand in between them and his friend.

As soon as the soldiers saw him they straightened up to form some semblance of military order. Following their commander they moved towards him. Jonndi noticed that a slight unease seemed to have fallen over them. Like they had not expected company in this place.

Jonndi studied them. They were Avarian, nothing unusual about them. Maybe, they were some sort of special forces. Why else would a squad of ten soldiers be out here, so far away from any army or fortress? Still it were strange times in West Avaria. Jonndi looked around to his friend, a Wanderer he knew a long time ago. What needed the Lord of the West from him?totally confused here - is his friend the lord of the west, or a wanderer, or if not why is the lord of the west being mentioned?

Let’s find out, then.I'd italicise this as it seems to be direct thoughts. Jonndi stepped forward and lifted his arm as a greeting. ‘Good day sirs. What is it that brings you here on this Spirit-forsaken road. And by such an unconventional route, no less. It’s enough to make a man wonder at your purpose here.’

The soldiers stared at him quizzically. For a moment Jonndi saw that same uncertainty in their eyes he had noticed earlier. This was not something he was used to seeing in Avarian legionnaires. What was the Lord of the West demanding of them that they so easily wavered.
Then the Decurion leading this band of lost-looking soldiers stepped forward. ‘This doesn’t concern you. We have orders to take that man with us. He is an escaped prisoner and we have to take him back to be executed.’

A cold rage burgeoned deep within Jonndi. What had this world come to when someone had the audacity to order the murder of a Wanderer. Orders that were then followed. No, he could not stand for this.Up to now he's seemed very easy going - happy to follow a road meandering to who knows where, pretty cool with a lemur perched on his head, calm in the face of his mate collapsing, and suddenly he's capable of such a quick turnaround...

‘You don’t want to kill him.’

‘Sir, we have our orders. General Algevaro wants his head.’

The soldier dropped the name with the air of someone who knew that there was no one within thousands of miles who had the authority or the bravery to stand in the way of his boss’ orders. Who would be stupid enough to incur the wrath of the most powerful man on the continent, especially since that man lead an army of a size that hadn’t been seen in centuries.

However, Jonndi didn’t even flinch and continued in a calm and determined tone. ‘Still, you really don’t want to kill this man, not while I’m around. You see, I’m not the kind of person you want to make mad. As far as I’m concerned; the Lord of the West can go rot in a ditch.I like this line.’ Jonndi stepped closer to the soldiers as his voice and demeanour slowly grew more menacing.

This took the soldiers aback for a moment, until their leader unsheathed his sword. He looked at Jonndi with a cocky smirk on his face. ‘How would you hope to stop us? You have no weapons.’
Jonndi heaved a deep sigh and shook his head in disgust. ‘Weapons? Who needs weapons? Only little soldier-boys playing at war ever need weapons. Why would you need a weapon when you’re perfectly unafraid of what’s facing you. I don’t need weapons, I have my heart, my wit, -- and a mischievous little monkey called Kaikias. Do you want to meet him, because I think he wants to get to know you guys better.’ Jonndi smiled at his foes and winked.all seems very very leading to me. If the monkey's going to do something cool, let it, don't tell me. And isn't it a lemur?

A little, white ball of fur came flying through the air from somewhere behind Jonndi and landed on the helmet of the front-most legionnaire. Startled by the sudden addition of an animal to the weight on his head, the soldier dropped his sword in a frantic attempt to remove it. However, Kaikias was having none of it. The animal avoided all the soldier’s attempts of grabbing hold of him and then smoothly jumped towards the nearest soldier that was coming to his Decurion’s aid.

For a moment Jonndi stood and admired the ensuing chaos. It wasn’t often one got to see ten Avarian legionnaires jumping around, failing miserably at trying to catch a snow-lemur that was hopping from helmet to helmet.

Still, he hadn’t forgotten his old friend, lying unconscious on the ground. At some point even Avarian legionnaires would realize they didn’t need all ten of them to deal with one pesky monkey. Jonndi quickly turned around and walked to where the man lay. He lifted the old man up and half-carried him into the woods. The mist that had suddenly rolled in out of nowhere provided a perfect means of escape.

okay, there's enough there to intrigue me. Your writing is pretty tight. A bit of swopping at the start might get the picture fixed a little quicker. My biggest problem was the sudden jumps I was having to make in terms of the character behaviour, and also that there was a lot of telling in it. But, I'm reasonably intrigued.

 

[Sho Pi]

Thank you guys. This has been very helpful.

Comma splices, they're the bain of my existence. But you are completely right.

I mean to use two main third person narrator's perspective. I just always have problems sticking to it in the beginning of stories when I want to paint a scene to quickly, and in this case I believe I've been trying to be too clever by half.

For instance: passersby is an indefinite plural, but I can completely understand how you overlook that. And the short stubs of their past and future selves, is only one shadow, just me being overly poetical.

I shall have to look out for the telling and I will try to fix that. But with some of them I tried to sort of insert Jonndi's opinion on the matters in it, without having him voice it, just a quick glimpse into his mind, without taking to much of the pace out of the story, by stating that, however if it's not obvious enough than I'll change it around.

About the road; what I was trying to do was describe a broad paved road, very well constructed, with on either side thick evergreen forests that didn't allow light through the canopy, however because it's midday the sun does shine on the road itself, whose disuse is only apparent by it being dusty, strewn with needles and thick weeds growing in ever largening cracks.

I'll put the second piece on a bit later, so you can get the whole chapter before I start to rewrite.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I found the opening paragraph very weak and rambling. I was immediately lost by your reference to past and future selves, and then the reference to the multi-coloured cottage-home felt over-stretched.

I found the narrative voice lacked focus and interest, and dwelt too much on telling, not showing, without really saying anything. The man is indistinct and "average" yet his hair suggests something else? That section feels very contrived.

Also, you mention a "snow lemur" but lemurs originate only from Madagascar, which jarred my reading. Are you trying to set up in a mediaeval european setting, or are we crossing the forests of an African island here?

Moving on, there are sections of speech which seem somewhat unnatural, and then suddenly you move from the narrative voice to a third person limited, which jars again.

Then you mentioned legionnaires, which presumably means "like Romans" which leaves me just plain confused.

Granted, perhaps I simply do not understand the story and intentions, and that these will be revealed through the later pages, so maybe these are irrelevant concerns.

And it reads as though you know how to use words - but it feels as though are you lacking in structure with your writing. Be clear on what POV you are using and stick to it - focus sharply on what needs focusing on and don't distract; and when you mention something, make sure it's something that needs mentioning. Also, consider playing aorund with descriptions a little. What do legionnaires look like? Sound like? How does it feel to be suddenly confronted by them?