Help me write a pilot episode! (Sci-fi vs Fantasy)

[Fuzzy Modem]

I'm adapting my comic concept into a pilot! Below you'll find the first bit of screenplay and a some promo material that will eventually become part of a pitch on kickstarter.

3D models video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IrIxsBBGDdQ


I plan to film all around my home state of Alaska starting next year. Test footage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=XdiWTNGlAYU


Costume concepts: http://crossovercomic.com/media/extras/pilot/concepts/characterdoodles.jpg

The story is about two civilizations, like Montagues and Capulets, who live on opposite sides of a tidally locked planet, divided by day and night.

I'll post one scene at a time and try to get feedback before moving on. Any advice you could offer would be very appreciated, as I want to start distributing the script to local actors soon, and it just isn't good enough yet.

-

CROSSOVER PILOT SCREENPLAY

Shawn Weixelman

www.fuzzymodem.com

05.07.2012

Episode 1: "Star-Crossed"


EXT. BARREN VALLEY - ESTABLISHING DUSK/DAWN

Grey and foggy. Treeless and inhospitable. A young girl,
ALYSSA, sits on a rock reading a book with a tattered leather
cover.

The book shimmers and distorts, then vanishes. A small
readout on her bracelet displays a depleted energy symbol.
She looks up and realizes that she is alone.

ALYSSA
Sir Leraint?
​

No response. She climbs off the rock.

ALYSSA (CONT'D)
Leraint? Where are you? Can you
hear me? LERAINT!?!
​

Alyssa hesitates, then begins to walk, calling out
periodically.

She comes across a shattered skull.

The rest of the skeleton is nearby in a suit of rusting
armor. She closes her eyes.

ALYSSA (CONT'D)
I knew what to expect. I'm not a
coward.
​

She regains her composure, opens her eyes, and walks around.

More skeletons appear. Some of them are human, others alien.
Some wear only decaying fabric, others high-tech armor. Arrow
shafts and rusty weapons carpet the ground.

She walks faster, still calling out. A trio of skulls on
spikes grin up at her. As she breaks into a run she stumbles
and falls. She rises to her knees, and finds herself staring
into the bloodshot eyes of a freshly decapitated head on a
spike.

She screams, scrambles to her feet, whips around, and is face
to face with a bearded old man. She gasps and then recognizes
him.

Alyssa (CONT'D)
Sir Leraint?
​

He is asleep on his feet, eyes rolled back, snoring lightly,
leaning against a gnarled wooden staff. She pinches him.

LERAINT
Um? Oh! Was I sleeping again? So
sorry. I meant to come back for
you.
​

ALYSSA
Why didn't you bury them?
​

She gestures to the skeletons.

LERAINT
(sighs)
We could have buried them all, or
burned them, though it would have
taken many moons. In the end we
decided to leave everything on the
battlefield untouched.
​

He sees the fresh head.

LERAINT (CONT'D)
Oh! I do apologize. You shouldn't
have had to see that.

ALYSSA
I wasn't afraid. Who was he?
​

LERAINT
Grave robber. Those who disturb the
dead are condemned to join them,
though it's made little difference
lately. When you are grown it will
be your responsibility to decide
what to do with the all the
treasures that remain here.
​

He produces a primitive yet ornate compass.

LERAINT (CONT'D)
This way now Alyssa. Hurry on. We
have far to go yet.
​

They walk together.

ALYSSA
Where are my Mother and Father?
​

LERAINT
The Druids maintain a garden at the
heart of the battlefield. Your
parents are there. We will end our
fast by eating from the garden,
meditate, and return home before
second moonfall ends the season. Is
everything clear to you?

ALYSSA
Why did the war start?
​

He can't help but laugh.

LERAINT
Sorry child, but you had as well
ask why the wind blows.

ALYSSA
Wind blows because of the
atmospheric pressure differential
between the Dayside and the
Nightside. That's what creates the
Great Barrier.
​

She looks toward the dark horizon where a wall of churning
storm clouds meets a jagged mountain range. Lightning flashes
and thunder rolls.

LERAINT
Yes, but why does the wind blow
Alyssa? (beat) Because it must.

ALYSSA
That's stupid.

LERAINT
Don't be impudent.
​

ALYSSA
Impudent... Rude or disrespectful.

LERAINT
Yes, yes, you're a very clever
girl.

ALYSSA
Then tell me why the war started.
Tell me... why my parents died.
​

LERAINT
(sighs)
Where to begin?...​

 

[ctg]

Episode 1: "Star-Crossed"


EXT. BARREN VALLEY - ESTABLISHING DUSK/DAWN

Grey and foggy. Treeless and inhospitable. A young girl,
ALYSSA, sits on a rock reading a book with a tattered leather
cover.

The book shimmers and distorts, then vanishes. A small
readout on her bracelet displays a depleted energy symbol.
She looks up and realizes that she is alone.

ALYSSA
Sir Leraint?
​

No response.

She climbs off the rock and starts looking around.

ALYSSA (CONT'D)
LERAINT!?! Please... don't do this me...
Where are you?​

Even if it's for the television, you should try you best to make the dialogue meaningful. I believe that it should reflect the character motions, while the actor brings in the rest.

Alyssa hesitates, then begins to walk, calling out
periodically.

She comes across a shattered skull.

The rest of the skeleton is nearby in a suit of rusting
armor. She closes her eyes.

ALYSSA (CONT'D)
I knew what to expect. I'm not a
coward.
​

She regains her composure, opens her eyes, and walks around.

I feel cheated in this scene. The dialogue is out from this world. It doesn't mean anything and certainly doesn't reflect fear. How about:

She closes her eyes, turns ninety degrees to left, while muttering.

ALYSSA (CONT'D)
Fear is a killer. It's not real. I am not a coward. Fear is...

Camera pans around revealing a rusted piece of armour not far away from the skull. It raises up showing a field full of dead ones, some in high-tech armour, some looking as if they should belong in the museum.
​

Alyssa walks past a tall stone that has some strange markings carved in it. More skeletons appear after it. Some of them are human, others definitely alien.Arrow shafts and rusty weapons carpet the ground.

She walks faster, still calling out. A trio of skulls on
spikes grin up at her. As she breaks into a run she stumbles
and falls. She rises to her knees, and finds herself staring
into the bloodshot eyes of a freshly decapitated head on a
spike.

She screams, scrambles to her feet, whips around, and is face
to face with a bearded old man. She gasps and then recognizes
him.

I understand what you're trying to achieve in this third scene, but does people really scream when they are scared, or do they go quiet, catatonic?

Is it easier to use the Hollywood method or does the realism spoil it down?

Alyssa (CONT'D)
Sir Leraint?
​

He is asleep on his feet, eyes rolled back, snoring lightly,
leaning against a gnarled wooden staff. She pinches him.

LERAINT
Um? Oh! Was I sleeping again? So
sorry. I meant to come back for
you.
​

ALYSSA
Why didn't you bury them?
​

She gestures to the skeletons.

LERAINT
(sighs)
We could have buried them all, or
burned them, though it would have
taken many moons. In the end we
decided to leave everything on the
battlefield untouched.
​

I have a problem with his dialogue line. I would have liked him appearing still sleepy and muttering like old men do. Although not as incomprehensibly as the one in the fast show. You could have written:

Leraint sighs, takes out a book from his rope, flips couple of pages and then looks up to the sky, while he taps his chin or stroke a beard. "Yes." He slaps the book close and turns around. "It would had taken too long. We have things to do." He turns to look Alyssa and leans closer to whisper. "Dead people don't like to be--"

Alyssa points a finger towards the spiked head. "What about that one?"

He sees the fresh head.

LERAINT (CONT'D)
Oh! I do apologize. You shouldn't
have had to see that.

ALYSSA
I wasn't afraid. Who was he?
​

LERAINT
Grave robber. Those who disturb the
dead are condemned to join them,
though it's made little difference
lately. When you are grown it will
be your responsibility to decide
what to do with the all the
treasures that remain here.
​

He produces a primitive yet ornate compass.

LERAINT (CONT'D)
This way now Alyssa. Hurry on. We
have far to go yet.
​

Nice.

They walk together.

ALYSSA
Where are my Mother and Father?
​

I got a problem with this line. It's pure exposition and I believe you should have retained a bit of mystery about what they are doing there.

LERAINT
The Druids maintain a garden at the
heart of the battlefield. Your
parents are there. We will end our
fast by eating from the garden,
meditate, and return home before
second moonfall ends the season. Is
everything clear to you?

ALYSSA
Why did the war start?
​

Why use exposition again? Doesn't she really know?

He can't help but laugh.

LERAINT
Sorry child, but you had as well
ask why the wind blows.

ALYSSA
Wind blows because of the
atmospheric pressure differential
between the Dayside and the
Nightside. That's what creates the
Great Barrier.
​

She looks toward the dark horizon where a wall of churning
storm clouds meets a jagged mountain range. Lightning flashes
and thunder rolls.

LERAINT
Yes, but why does the wind blow
Alyssa? (beat) Because it must.

ALYSSA
That's stupid.

LERAINT
Don't be impudent.
​

ALYSSA
Impudent... Rude or disrespectful.

LERAINT
Yes, yes, you're a very clever
girl.

ALYSSA
Then tell me why the war started.
Tell me... why my parents died.
​

LERAINT
(sighs)
Where to begin?...​

Right, I see. I still think you should try not to expose but convey the story in most realistic way you can.

 

[alchemist]

Hi Fuzzy,
I love the spaceships and Alaska is already on my list of places to go to. It looks amazing. And I admire your ambition.

The script felt like a dream sequence to me, perhaps for some of the reasons ctg mentioned. First she's calmly reading, then she's in a battlefield. Did she not notice it before? Has it appeared while she was sitting?
Also the old guy's fuddy-duddyness (not a word) seems quite incongruous in the middle of a battlefield. He doesn't feel a part of this.
Maybe this is the vibe you're going for, in which case it comes across well. If it's meant to be realistic, though, it doesn't seem to convey that.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Thanks guys, great thoughts!

A little bit of info:

Leraint is trying not to tell Alyssa that the war started, and her parents died, because of her, effectively an epic custody battle. Still, he won't refuse to answer the question, he'll just dance around it, and I don't think he's doing that effectively, or naturally yet.

I am shooting for realism. Perhaps I should add a bit more to the description, as in she climbs a hill, and then sees the battlefield, so it doesn't seem so disjointed.

I may completely remove her "I'm not a coward" dialogue. I just need something to demonstrate that she was expecting to see skeletons, it's not a complete shock, she knew they were on their way to a battlefield. She just didn't expect to be alone when she reached it. She can do that with an action though. I don't like those lines either. Kind of boring and cliche.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

I think your right. I'll should hold the reveal about her dead parents.

I've basically stolen the Fred Savage/Columbo exposition device from Princess Bride. Alyssa and Leraint have only two scenes together, one at the beginning and one at the end, so I'll move the bit about her parents and the garden to the end.

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

I like the idea of a world separated with a stormy mountain range inbetween them... Sounds a bit like the world in the Grandia series of RPGs but that's no bad thing, it's one of the coolest bits about that game's storyline... plus in that it's a massive tear in the earth so it doesn't even look like its the same thing...

It's a good start for a screenplay idea wise, but from the comments you've made about the other posts it seems like the pacing is a little off for what you want it to be if this is their only scene together... (LOVE the way you describe it as 'fred-savage/Columbo' thing by the way)...

Keeping her parent's death secret seems like a better idea than revealing it in the very first scene (especially if they only die towards the end of the actual story bit and we don't see any more scenes between these two characters)... And you're right about the dialogue not quite working if he's trying to put her off the answer instead of just being a mentally decrepit old man...

All in all it seems pretty interesting and its something I'd like to see more of...


Jammill

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

It's a good start for a screenplay idea wise, but from the comments you've made about the other posts it seems like the pacing is a little off for what you want it to be if this is their only scene together.

Am I taking too long and focusing too much on these tertiary characters? Does scaring the girl help you empathize with her?

Huge exposition dump in this next scene. Need help removing anything unnecessary.

As I continue to move on, please feel free to comment on anything prior as well as the most recently posted scene. It all needs work.

I'll wait at least a few days to post the next scene. These two just go together.
-

EXT. SPACE - FLASHBACK
A ruddy star flares brilliantly through the haze of a vibrant nebula.
The system has one small turquoise planet. The world’s two moons spin around it like the hands of a clock.

LERAINT (V.O.)
Our sun is unique. Its light effects probability, tilting the scales from impossible to improbable, from unlikely, to achievable. The Ancients harnessed this power to create the Great Gates, and gathered all the younger races of the galaxy together.
​

Individual stars shine brightly one by one to indicate each homeworld.

LERAINT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Humans came from a world called Earth. For a time we traveled freely to and from our home, but when we began to advance technologically the Ancients sealed the gate to preserve our culture.
​

The yellow star indicating Earth fades and disappears.

LERAINT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
As the Ancients dwindled the planet’s rotation began to slow. Days and nights stretched on for years, and when the last of the Ancients died the world stopped turning entirely, divided forevermore between light and darkness.
​

Climate change. All cloud cover moves to the border.

LERAINT (V.O.)(CONT'D)
On the Dayside forests burned and rivers boiled. We were only able to survive by studying the magic of the Ancients, and the more we learned, the more we prospered. Other races retreated toward the border or moved underground, but Men built a great civilization under the sun.
​

CLOSE UP:
A patch of clouds re-appears at the center of the Dayside, followed by a small point of green.

LERAINT (V.O.)(CONT'D)
On the Nightside forests withered and oceans froze. None survived, and we came to think of it as the “underside” of the world.
​

The moons slow to a stop. The star indicating Earth flares again, birthing a blue comet, then fading away. The comet approaches in the shadow of the planet.

LERAINT (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Back on Earth, tales of this world had faded into myth. Earth’s humans developed technology as powerful as any magic, and built massive vessels that could carry them between the stars.
​

Closer, we see that the comet is actually a damaged spaceship. It corkscrews through the nebula trailing blue flame and debris. Radio chatter becomes audible as it passes. We hear panicked jargon, screaming, and then the calm commanding voice of CAPTAIN ELIAS.

CAPTAIN ELIAS (RADIO)
All hands, this is the Captain. Secure the prisoners and brace for impact.

LERAINT (V.O.)
One such vessel came to our world by chance, a “seed ship” intended to establish a penal colony on some distant world.

ALYSSA (V.O.)
It was a moon in the Mobius constellation. I already know all this.

LERAINT (V.O.)
What?

ALYSSA (V.O.)
I already know all this. The ship crashed on the Nightside. They made the Convicts build a prison city but then half of them escaped and built their own city in the Geyser Fields. Captain Elias says that when he was alive-

LERAINT (V.O.)
The “Captain” says all manner of ignorant things. Am I telling this story or is he?

ALYSSA (V.O.)
You are sir.

LERAINT (V.O.)
Quite so! No more interruptions. Now let’s see... Since you think yourself so well versed in history I’ll skip ahead...
​

Time accelerates again, the moons whoosh by faster and faster.

LERAINT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Yes... far ahead... to the Dayside... just before your parents met.
​

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

I don't think you need to scare Alyssa at all... If she knew she was going to a battlefield she'd know what to expect and being afraid wouldn't fit, plus if its a war based sci-fi/fantasy thing there's probably gonna be a lot more violence and having someone who's scared by it seems like the wrong decision...

The scene doesn't seem too long for an explanation, and by the end of it stuff is already happening and not just being talked about on a map, so as long as it doesn't go on too much longer it's not a problem length wise... As far as what needs to be cut out for meaning instead of brevity, I wouldn't know what's important enough you need it to stay in and what is superfluous enough to cut without more context and knowing where it was going...

If it's a TV show pilot the majority of them aren't even aired (Heroes, Buffy) or are only shown once and then re-written, re-cast, and filmed again with a bigger budget once they're picked up (Being Human)... So you get to be a bit more adventerous with them...

It might be worth re-writing the beginning to start with this (opening on a spinning star scape with a voice over is acceptable, and we jump into the action part of the ship-crash by the third minute anyways), putting it and the end of this scene pre-titles, and then opening after the titles with the girl and her guardian on the remnants of the battlefield... That might not be what you're going for thematically (maybe her sorrow on the battlefield is more important to your story than the legends of the ship-crash are), but its acceptable and is more enticing for a pre-title scene than the first bit was...

I would also leave the arguments about what really happened OUT of this bit, maybe put them into the moved conversation on the battle filed after the titles... Leraint and Alyssa disagreeing is dramatic conflict and is more interesting than fear of bones, and right now its taking away from the information and slowing down the scene you're a little bit worried about being too slow anyway...

Also, if there is only a single line of business between the dialogue of one person, you don't need to put their name and (VO) again... It might only seem like one line at a time is nothing, maybe four or five a page at most during big conversations, but by the end of the script that's an extra two or three minutes of stuff happening that you don't need to cut out when its re-write time...

**EDIT** And by one line I mean one PIECE of business, even if on the page its two or three lines long **EDIT**

I do scripts (film and TV) and trust me, when it comes to re-wrting something that's tight those extra two or three minutes (especially if it is only 42 + titles for TV) is a big thing...


Jammill

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Thanks Jammil

Perhaps I should tone the fear waaay down, to mere discomfort, then a flash of horror at the decapitated head.

It's a web series pilot that will also air locally. If someone wanted to pick it up they could hire me and my cast and crew to continue filming, or option it and remake it their own way. I'd be open to either.

Repeating the character's name is something my software does automatically, but if I disable the autoformat and cut them out manually it will help a lot, as I'm actually trying to get my 38 page script down to 15 pages of pure dialogue so I can submit it to a readers theater, get some notoriety with local actors, and hear the dialogue spoken aloud which should help me improve it, so tricks like that are super handy, thanks!

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

Theatre scripts are set out a bit differen and you can just put paragraphs of text instead of a little bit in the middle of the page, so I'd say to look at something they've already read, re-format it the same way, and THEN see what you need to cut for the reader theatre... Also you can take out EVERY last line of action and probably drop the voice-over bits for the read-through because they don't carry as well visually and character-interaction wise and it would be a waste if you get a shot at SEEING your stuff acted out and all you saw was someone sat reading a story...

Well, they are different formats over here in the UK anyway.. But then again it's only recently we started doing film-format scripts for tv shows, and even more recently we stopped doing 40sec per page and went to a minute like films and American TV shows do...

Turning a 67 page script into a 42 page one, when you can't really cut any scenes because you've already done like ten episodes and NEED every event and almost every word of dialogue, is a ball-and-a-half ache...

It's where those extra two or three minutes came in REAL handy


J

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

It actually needs to be 15 minutes (rather than pages) for the readers theater, and I'm using the 1 page per minute format (broken when I pasted here.)

[edit] I figure I'll strip out ALL the descriptions, and just keep the dialogue, and I agree it's not the place for the intro exposition (or the matching outro), so I can save time there too.

[edit] I should also be working on my logline and a slightly longer summary of the exposition to give the actors with the script. Half a page max. I'll post it here once I have a decent draft.

The name of the show is "Famous for Fifteen." It's a bi-annual performance featuring 5-6 scripts from local writers each time. A lot of the readers are also members of the local Shakespeare company. I think it's the ideal crowd to find my cast. They did R&J recently and it was f-ing dynamite!

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

As long as Alaskan Shakespeare aint anything like RSC Shakespeare, or you're good at shouting at people when they're being knobs, you'll be fine...

The problem with........... people in England doing Shakespeare is that......... they introduce long un-needed and badly.............. placed pauses and then................. decide to over emphasise words THAAAT don't............. really need TO BE over............. emphasised

Because somehow they think doing a sentence like the one above in the middle of Hamlet will make everybody watching think they're the new Olivier...

While Patrick Stewart did good on TNG his early RSC was a lot like the example above, but he got that shouted out of him on set when he started working in the US and grew out of it (him and McKellan in Waiting for Godot were both amazing)

In short, you might need to shout a lot if they're overly Shakespeare-y about stuff but who knows, your voice calling to them like that might be the thing that gets the next pretentious knob who can become a big star to pull their head out of their arse and doing something decent...


Jammill

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

The problem with........... people in England doing Shakespeare is that......... they introduce long un-needed and badly.............. placed pauses and then................. decide to over emphasise words THAAAT don't............. really need TO BE over............. emphasised

Literally lolled.

I rather liked Patrick Stewart's Shakespearean comedy.

The local crew is pretty good at keeping it conversational. The show was actually an all female production re-imagined in an 1800's catholic girls school (though they have plenty of talented male actors too.) Dialogue was still verbatim mind you. It was really clever.

[edit] Rereading, It was much more tasteful than this^ makes it sound

 

[The Judge]

Hi Fuzzy

Just to let you know I've moved that third extract over to a thread of its own http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/536615-pilot-episode-sci-fi-vs-fantasy-part-2-a.html -- combined with the other two it took you a good bit over the 1500 word limit so we always ask for new threads when that happens. I think it also helps the critiquers to have a fresh thread when there are lots of little bits, as it makes for easier reading all round.

Good luck with it. I hope the actors do your vision justice!