Chapter 1 The dying Wanderer part 2 of 3

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Sho Pi

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Getting away from the soldiers had been relatively easy, considering he had to manoeuvre a six-foot wide cottage-wagon through this infernal forest. Luckily there were no fallen tree trunks in this planted monstrosity. The dry, hard forest floor meant that there wouldn’t be much of a trail to follow.

The mist had gotten so deep it muffled any sound the wagon made and Jonndi couldn’t see any farther than Boreas’ head. Still his trusted horse seemed to be able to find a way through without problem.

He thought back to when he had first met this Wanderer. His name was Tairyn, born in Oyashu, raised as a scholar. The man had possessed more knowledge of Meila than any human he had ever met. The talks they had, as the Spirit guided the man’s every step on Meila, had been food for his soul. Unlike anyone Jonndi had ever met, Tairyn had been able to provide him with at least some answers. Had gained him valuable insight into his existence. He had learned more about Meila and the Spirit from this lone Wanderer than from his father; a Guardian of Meila.

They had long discussions about the nature of the Spirit, the ever-sleeping Watchers and of the Guardians who forever strove to keep Meila save. For weeks they had swapped stories about history, legends and myths, until finally the Spirit had guided the steps of this Wanderer away from him.
Riding through the thick mist Jonndi had lost all sense of time, but when he finally halted he was sure the road was far behind him and the soldiers would never find them again. It was time to get some answers.

Night had fallen and Jonndi had built a small fire to keep his companion warm. There had been no sign of his Avarian pursuers. The unnatural fog had lingered all through the afternoon, by now the legionnaires might well be miles away.

He felt a far greater concern for the fate of his friend. After closer examination Jonndi hadn’t been able to find any signs of injury on Tairyn’s body. But his old friend still wouldn’t wake up and from time to time the unconscious man would burst out in a fitful shivering, even though the night’s air was relatively warm. Mere fatigue wouldn’t cause these symptoms, especially not in a man who had spent most of his life walking across the whole of Meila.

There was only one conclusion left, his friend had been poisoned. Although Jonndi still couldn’t fathom who would do such a thing to an innocent Wanderer. Who would attack a tool of the Spirit and why did Algevaro want him dead? He had to know what was going on.

That left him with a rather gruesome option. In his wagon Jonndi had a variety of potions and antidotes, some very powerful, but without knowing exactly what kind of poison was used on his friend, he could do more harm than good in trying to cure it. In order to speak to Tairyn, he had to use a strong elixir that would shock his mind back into consciousness. This elixir would however tax his body so greatly that there would be no more possibility of him overcoming the poison on his own. In the state that Tairyn was in, drinking the elixir would mean a certain death.

Jonndi sat on a log fidgeting with the phial holding the elixir for almost an hour, monitoring his friend’s condition, hoping against his better judgement that he would recover. Until the moment he felt he no longer had a choice. Jonndi steeled himself knowing he would speak with Tairyn for the very last time. He held up his friend’s head and let the lime-green liquid pour down his throat.

For agonizing minutes nothing happened and Jonndi started to fear that he had waited too long. Tairyn’s breathing became shallower and the shivering stopped. Just as Jonndi thought that the wanderer had stopped moving altogether, his friend shot upwards in a coughing-fit, gasping for air.
 
Getting away from the soldiers had been relatively easy, (see tension ideas of mine below) considering he had to manoeuvre a six-foot wide cottage-wagon through this infernal forest. Luckily there were no fallen tree trunks in this planted monstrosity. The dry, hard forest floor meant that there wouldn’t be much of a trail to follow.
The above is telling and because of that I found it flat.

The mist had gotten so deep it muffled any sound the wagon made and Jonndi couldn’t see any farther than Boreas’ head. Still his trusted horse seemed to be able to find a way through without problem.

I assume Boreas is the horse – sentence structure I suspect is the problem here, and deep is not a word I would have associated with a mist.

He thought back to when he had first met this Wanderer. His name was Tairyn, born in Oyashu, raised as a scholar. The man had possessed more knowledge of Meila than any human he had ever met. The talks they had, as the Spirit guided the man’s every step on Meila, had been food for his soul. Unlike anyone Jonndi had ever met, Tairyn had been able to provide him with at least some answers. Had gained him valuable insight into his existence. He had learned more about Meila and the Spirit from this lone Wanderer than from his father; a Guardian of Meila.

That was ok, you overcooked it a little by bring in his father which I felt added little.

They had long discussions about the nature of the Spirit, the ever-sleeping Watchers and of the Guardians who forever strove to keep Meila
save. For weeks they had swapped stories about history, legends and myths, until finally the Spirit had guided the steps of this Wanderer away from him.
The above is an extension of the section before this, it’s ok, but adds very little to what you have already said.

Riding through the thick mist Jonndi had lost all sense of time, but when he finally halted he was sure the road was far behind him and the soldiers would never find them again. It was time to get some answers.

Telling regarding soldiers and removes tension - he had escaped for now, but planned to stay watchful – escape while maintaining tension.
I’m not sure about the last line as it feels like telling.

Night had fallen and Jonndi had built a small fire to keep his companion warm. There had been no sign of his Avarian pursuers. The unnatural fog had lingered all through the afternoon, by now the legionnaires might well be miles away.

I think a fire in a dark wood, would be a bad idea when hiding. A little repeat of the soldiers.

He felt a far greater concern for the fate of his friend. After closer examination Jonndi hadn’t been able to find any signs of injury on Tairyn’s body. But his old friend still wouldn’t wake up and from time to time the unconscious man would burst out in a fitful shivering, even though the night’s air was relatively warm. Mere fatigue wouldn’t cause these symptoms, especially not in a man who had spent most of his life walking across the whole of Meila.


There was only one conclusion left, his friend had been poisoned. Although Jonndi still couldn’t fathom who would do such a thing to an innocent Wanderer. Who would attack a tool of the Spirit and why did Algevaro want him dead? He had to know what was going on.
Or he is an old man, so there is more than one conclusion. I can see what you’re trying to do here mate but it feels distant, lacking emotion from your character.

That left him with a rather gruesome option. In his wagon Jonndi had a variety of potions and antidotes, some very powerful, but without knowing exactly what kind of poison was used on his friend, he could do more harm than good in trying to cure it. In order to speak to Tairyn, he had to use a strong elixir that would shock his mind back into consciousness. This elixir would however tax his body so greatly that there would be no more possibility of him overcoming the poison on his own. In the state that Tairyn was in, drinking the elixir would mean a certain death.


Jonndi sat on a log fidgeting with the phial holding the elixir for almost an hour, monitoring his friend’s condition, hoping against his better judgement that he would recover. Until the moment he felt he no longer had a choice. Jonndi steeled himself knowing he would speak with Tairyn for the very last time. He held up his friend’s head and let the lime-green liquid pour down his throat.

When reading, I was a little confused as to how he would be talking to his unconscious friend, or the last time, made clearer later.

For agonizing minutes nothing happened and Jonndi started to fear that he had waited too long. Tairyn’s breathing became shallower and the shivering stopped. Just as Jonndi thought that the wanderer had stopped moving altogether, his friend shot upwards in a coughing-fit, gasping for air.


Sho Pi, this had more telling than the first section with very little in the way of emotion, so it was very difficult for me to engage with your character. Might be a silly question, but what happened to the monkey? If the monkey were in this section it could have added humour and lightness. For me, the escape from the soldiers was telling, and that it was a clean get away three/four times killed the tension you’d built up. I was not sold this time, sorry mate.
 
Hi Sho Pi, I have to say that this seemed to be so much telling to me, I really struggled with it.


Getting away from the soldiers had been relatively easy,no, I want to know how he did it. I know it was briefly covered at the end of the first crit, but I don't believe that was it. They didn't chase? He has a wagon and they don't, but they didn't find him. My suspension of disbelief is crumbling... considering he had to manoeuvre a six-foot wide cottage-wagon through this infernal forest. Luckily there were no fallen tree trunks in this planted monstrosity.not just tree trunks, but roots and rabbit holes and badger setts... I've never been in a wood, even a managed one, where I didn't trip. The dry, hard forest floor meant that there wouldn’t be much of a trail to follow.

The mist had gotten so deep it muffled any sound the wagon made and Jonndi couldn’t see any farther than Boreas’ head. Still his trusted horse seemed to be able to find a way through without problem.

He thought back to when he had first met this Wanderer. His name was Tairyn, born in Oyashu, raised as a scholar. The man had possessed more knowledge of Meila than any human he had ever met. The talks they had, as the Spirit guided the man’s every step on Meila, had been food for his soul. Unlike anyone Jonndi had ever met, Tairyn had been able to provide him with at least some answers. Had gained him valuable insight into his existence. He had learned more about Meila and the Spirit from this lone Wanderer than from his father; a Guardian of Meila.this is pure telling, and I was switching off by the end of the first sentence. It's well written, grammatically, but isn't pulling me in.

They had long discussions about the nature of the Spirit, the ever-sleeping Watchers and of the Guardians who forever strove to keep Meila save. For weeks they had swapped stories about history, legends and myths, until finally the Spirit had guided the steps of this Wanderer away from him.
Riding through the thick mist Jonndi had lost all sense of time, but when he finally halted he was sure the road was far behind him and the soldiers would never find them again.again, how is he sure? It seems quite lax for a traveller who's being searched for to me. It was time to get some answers.

Night had fallen and Jonndi had built a small fire to keep his companion warm. There had been no sign of his Avarian pursuers. The unnatural fog had lingered all through the afternoon, by now the legionnaires might well be miles away.or just behind the tree behind him... there is room for some tension here.

He felt a far greater concern for the fate of his friend. After closer examination Jonndi hadn’t been able to find any signs of injury on Tairyn’s body. But his old friend still wouldn’t wake up and from time to time the unconscious man would burst out in a fitful shivering, even though the night’s air was relatively warm. Mere fatigue wouldn’t cause these symptoms, especially not in a man who had spent most of his life walking across the whole of Meila.

There was only one conclusion left, his friend had been poisoned. big jump. He's not that young, not all things are obvious to the eye, fits, maybe a bleed to the brain; all invisible...Although Jonndi still couldn’t fathom who would do such a thing to an innocent Wanderer. Who would attack a tool of the Spirit and why did Algevaro want him dead? He had to know what was going on.

That left him with a rather gruesome option. In his wagon Jonndi had a variety of potions and antidotes, some very powerful, but without knowing exactly what kind of poison was used on his friend, he could do more harm than good in trying to cure it.so here's a good opportunity to draw me in. Show me him walking to the wagon and selecting them, tell me how he feels as he does it. In order to speak to Tairyn, he had to use a strong elixir that would shock his mind back into consciousness. This elixir would however tax his body so greatly that there would be no more possibility of him overcoming the poison on his own. In the state that Tairyn was in, drinking the elixir would mean a certain death.didn't quite get this. and also, he's going to kill his friend, to find something out, on a tenuous medical conclusion? Isn't he sad, desperate to find some other way? Anything?

Jonndi sat on a log fidgeting with the phial holding the elixir for almost an hour, monitoring his friend’s condition, hoping against his better judgement that he would recover.better, pulling me in now. Until the moment he felt he no longer had a choice. Jonndi steeled himself knowing he would speak with Tairyn for the very last time. He held up his friend’s head and let the lime-green liquid pour down his throat.

For agonizing minutes nothing happened and Jonndi started to fear that he had waited too long. Tairyn’s breathing became shallower and the shivering stopped. Just as Jonndi thought that the wanderer had stopped moving altogether, his friend shot upwards in a coughing-fit, gasping for air.
It's all very intriguing and I think you have a good story, but at the minute it's not pulling me in, and that's mainly because you're telling me what I should know and not making me feel it... sorry.
 
Alright, thank you for the comments. I see the problems. The difficulty is that this is kind of prologue type chapter, setting up what is to come but that the character itself already has a long history and is therefore already developped. He isn't afraid of the soldiers because he genuinely isn't. He is very clever and highly intuïtive and possesses certain powers. The story is about him facing dangers he isn't afraid off, until things become bigger even than him and does have to grow further.

maybe I'm trying to explain too many loose threads about his background and hints about his capabilities into the first chapter, and I'm definitely narrating too much. I will try to fix that, but I will put the third part in first, so you can get the whole picture.
 
You should try not to rely on someone's knowledge of the background. You should be cautious how much you think they may know.

Other than that it was good!
 
I can be picky.

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To me it lacks drama. Especially the beginning, why should it be relatively easy. Why not add a bit of action. Raiders of the lost ark style where the driver has to release the reins to bash one of thesoldiers head in narrowly missing the old oak etc. etc.

The we learn that in all this his old mate is at deaths door. It would seem more engaging to let us now there was a medical emergency unfolding in the back of the wagon rather than an afterthought later.



Getting away from the soldiers had been relatively easy, considering he had to manoeuvre a six-foot wide cottage-wagon through this infernal forest. Luckily there were no fallen tree trunks in this planted monstrosity (random forests are rarely planted). The dry, hard forest floor meant that there wouldn't be much of a trail to follow. (There is no way you could expect the tracks not to be followed - An experience tracker - American Indian - could follow the wagon over rock three days later - pretty sure a thing that big would stand out like dinosaur tracks in JP - which is why killing the soldiers off would make it less likely to be followed)

The mist had thickened so that gotten so deep it muffled any sound the wagon made and Jonndi (who he?) couldn't see any farther than Boreas’ head. Still his trusted horse seemed to be able to find a way through without problem. (how? why? magic, IR vision? do horses have problems with mist normally? - genuine question)

He thought back to when he had first met this Wanderer (horse or this Jondii bloke?). His name was Tairyn, (more confusion) born in Oyashu, raised as a scholar (at this moment we don't care). The man had possessed more knowledge of Meila than any human he had ever met. The talks they had, as the Spirit guided the man’s every step on Meila, had been food for his soul. Unlike anyone Jonndi had ever met, Tairyn had been able to provide him with at least some answers. Had gained him valuable insight into his existence. He had learned more about Meila and the Spirit from this lone Wanderer than from his father; a Guardian of Meila.

^a paragraph of confusion^

They had long discussions about the nature of the Spirit, the ever-sleeping Watchers and of the Guardians who forever strove to keep Meila save. For weeks they had swapped stories about history, legends and myths, until finally the Spirit had guided the steps of this Wanderer away from him.
Riding through the thick mist Jonndi had lost all sense of time, but when he finally halted he was sure the road was far behind him and the soldiers would never find them again. It was time to get some answers.

Night had fallen and Jonndi had built a small fire to keep his companion warm. There had been no sign of his Avarian pursuers. The unnatural fog had lingered all through the afternoon, by now the legionnaires might well be miles away.

He felt a far greater concern for the fate of his friend. After closer examination Jonndi hadn’t been able to find any signs of injury on Tairyn’s body. But his old friend still wouldn't wake up and from time to time the unconscious man would burst out in a fitful shivering fever, even though the night’s air was relatively warm (<-relavence?). Mere fatigue wouldn’t cause these symptoms, especially not in a man who had spent most of his life walking across the whole of Meila. (Being able to walk a long way doesn't imply never getting tired as a result)

There was only one conclusion left, his friend had been poisoned. Although Jonndi still couldn’t fathom who would do such a thing to an innocent Wanderer. Who would attack a tool of the Spirit and why did Algevaro want him dead? He had to know what was going on. (Well it seems there are a few soldiers that mean to do harm to these two folk)

That left him with a rather gruesome (?) option (surely this is a delema). In his wagon Jonndi had a variety of potions and antidotes, some very powerful, but without knowing exactly what kind of poison was used on his friend, he could do more harm than good in trying to cure it. In order to speak to Tairyn, he had to use a strong elixir that would shock his mind back into consciousness. This elixir would however tax his body so greatly that there would be no more possibility of him overcoming the poison on his own. In the state that Tairyn was in, drinking the elixir would mean a certain death. (a bit laboured)

Jonndi sat on a log fidgeting with the phial holding the elixir for almost an hour, monitoring his friend’s condition, hoping against his better judgement that he would recover. Until the moment he felt he no longer had a choice. Jonndi steeled himself knowing he would speak with Tairyn for the very last time. (and say what?) He held up his friend’s head and let the lime-green liquid pour down his throat.

For agonizing minutes nothing happened and Jonndi started to feared that he had waited too long. Tairyn’s breathing became shallower and the shivering stopped. (as it did some times above) Just as Jonndi thought that the wanderer (Wanderer/friend/Tairyn all in the space of a paragraph - we know who it is IMO only one referece is needed) had stopped moving altogether, his friend shot upwards in a coughing-fit, gasping for air.


As an opening it lacks action to grab attention. There also seems to be a bit too much attention to irrelavent (at this time) detail IMO. Interestingly though I am curious about what is going on and what the back story is. Get the action in and worry about the back story after his mates recovery.

Picture yourself in this situation. You've just fought off a rampaging band of soldiers and dashed into the enchanted forest in a last desperate attempt to escape. Your best mate of 40 years is possibly dying in the back of your wagon. Are you really going to lax lyrical about how you met and those long pholosophical discusions or are you going to seek out a safe haven and fix up you pal?

Hope I helped

TEiN
 
Welcome back TEIN. Long time, no critiques.

I agree what TEIN said; the first chapter isn't as great as it could be and in the light of the first piece, it feels as if you opted out the dramatization and decided to dump in as much of backstory as you could. We have often advocated writers to drip in the info when and if the readers need it to understand the situation fully. What you brought in at the first piece was enough but here, you force exposition down the throat as if it's the sauce on top of the meat. So my advice is to loosen up. Dramatize the situation more and only drip in info, when it's needed.
 
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