First Chapter Excert - Hopefully More Showing this Time...

[Myra]

Hi, I have revised the excerpt again. I was aiming for more showing than telling and I hope this is better than the last Any comments are welcome!

******************
Did you think you could hide?

Lily Riason shifted in her sleep, her hair sticking to her head from sweat, ‘No…please,’ she mumbled, swinging her arms out, fighting an invisible force.

Lily, the voice was getting louder, echoing in her mind, or was it in the room?

She shook her head frantically; ‘No, let me out… please let me out…,’ her restless movements beneath her twisted sheets turned violent. Her mind screaming for her to wake up, but Lily could not escape, ‘No! Don’t leave me here!’ she shouted, bolting upright in her bed, escaping the nightmare, just like every other time, since they had started in the orphanage, all those years previous. Lily shook her head, wiping the sweat from her brow.

The nightmare had haunted her since she was a child.

Trapped, lost in an interval of time she could not explain, in the dark alone. Looking around, her breath hitching, as she tried to figure out how long she had been there, but the clocks, their faces surrounding her, and closing in, lit the darkness, showing different times and dates. Reaching out her hand to touch them, the clock hands spun wildly, her hand passed through them, not existing in this realm, but only there to confuse her. A figure appeared, speaking to her, but despite the moving of their lips, she could not hear them. Their features enshrouded in shadow, except their lips.

Those terrible lips, twisting into a malicious smile, promising torment.

Trying to forget the nightmare, her eyes roamed the room, noticing a figure by the open window, the cold air bringing goosebumps to her sweaty skin. That was the least of her worries though, as she watched the shadow exit through the window, she leapt up from her bed, against her better reason, and moved to see where they had gone.

There was no one there. There was never anyone there.

A reoccurring pattern, only to have reality return to her, and the rational thoughts telling her it was the aftermath of the nightmare. The most plausible explanation she could think of.

Although she was a smart girl, sailing through her schooling, and now in her last year at the University of Edinburgh, Lily had never managed to explain what was happening to her. Referring to books, trying to find the answer within their pages, but she came up empty handed every time. She gave up upon leaving Nairn, but since moving to Edinburgh, the nightmares became longer, more threatening, and harder to escape.

Lily mentally shook herself to rid the fear that was overcoming her, and went to her bathroom to shower. Whilst waiting for the water to heat up, her mind drifted to what had occurred yesterday in one of her classes. Staring out the window, something she was wont to do since she tended to let her imagination run away with her, a figure had been standing next to the fountain, watching her… She could not explain then what they looked like, she originally thought it was ethereal, but the hems of their robes moving in the breeze told her the being was solid.

She stepped into the shower, the warm water calming her nerves, and washing the rising fears away. She could scarcely imagine what they wanted with her. Her fears stemmed from the figure in her nightmare because they looked similar, but the dream figure tried to hurt her. The figure in her waking life had had many opportunities to hurt her over the years, but they always ran away.

Lily sighed, shaking her head, and deciding she would not think on it anymore, she instead focussed on the history essay she was writing up for her class the following morning.

Lily loved history. A tome, her most treasured possession, lay on her shelf in the little student flat; dedicated to all history dating back to the beginning of time. The entries in there fascinated her, and she often wondered what it would be like to live in certain past eras. Curiously, whenever these thoughts enter her mind, the shadowy figures appear.

On one such occasion, she had even come close to touching the robe of an unsuspecting figure, but a jolt of electricity, and a whimper from her, had alerted them. They fled around the corner, Lily chasing them, but they were gone. This happened quite regularly, and she began to believe she was insane. Needing to stay focussed, Lily shook those thoughts away. Maybe she was insane, many people she had mentioned it to certainly seemed to think so, but she shrugged it off.

Presently, she stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself, and another around her long black tresses. She focussed on the upcoming meeting with Joseph Gael, one of the Board Members for the students. What he wanted to see her for, she couldn’t say, but it must be important, and shadowy figures invading her thoughts, was the last thing she wanted.

 

[paradoxical]

I'd consider revising your sentence structure as it can be confusing at times. It largely inhibits the flow of your work.

 

[Myra]

I'd consider revising your sentence structure as it can be confusing at times. It largely inhibits the flow of your work.

Hi, you're right, it is rather confusing :/ I didn't realise. I'll revise it. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Boneman]

Hello again. I feel I should ask you if you read the 'stickies' at the very top of the critiques section. If you haven't, I'll wait here while you go and do exactly that, particularly the third one down, 'Some tips for those who are new or unsure about the process of critiquing'.

Okay, I sincerely hope you did read that one, because it's going to be important in what I say, and I've never seen better advice given, regarding what the critique section is all about. I've a lot to say, about your style and what you've written, and I hope it does help you. Some of it is obviously criticism, although I prefer to think I'm pointing out errors that you have made, often inadvertently. I was the same when I started out, and the most honest critiques were the ones I learnt the most from.

In your previous postings, you took suggestions from critiquers, and came back very quickly with your re-writes, asking for more thoughts. People do spend time reading and offering their suggestions and I'm glad you felt there was merit in some of those (and I don't just mean mine, either - I have learnt an awful lot in my years here, just reading other people's critiques, where I've agreed or disagreed with the postings).

However I fear that you may be straying into asking for editing, unwittingly, rather than taking time to think about what the posters have said and deciding which bits were 'right' (ie would improve your story), and which bits didn't gel with you. You will see there has been little response to this current thread, and maybe you wonder why. I can't speak for any of the other members, but personally, I felt I was being asked to edit your writing, since you rushed out another piece for us to comment on. I fully accept you can write very quickly, and getting opinions from others here can shape a piece very well. But you run the risk of writing for others, not yourself. In essence, a piece for critiquing should be the very best it can be, before you put it up here. People will point out grammatical and punctuation errors (there is none better that Chrispy, believe me) which can form part of a critique, but if the next revision contains the same elements that people have expressed concern about (whilst fully accepting that you are free to ignore the ones you don't agree with) then I feel you may need to take more time to reflect, and do a couple of drafts before posting up: as I said above - making the best it can be by you, before asking for opinions. That way, you get the best from your writing, the critiquers give the best feedback, and the work advances. It's asking a lot of critiquers to keep pointing out the same errors, and it's not surprising if they decide not to comment any further.

So, with that in mind, I'll go over the 'new' piece, with the proviso that I do feel it has been somewhat rushed, and some of the concerns about narrative voice and telling still seem to be more in evidence than perhaps they could/should be...

Hi, I have revised the excerpt again. I was aiming for more showing than telling and I hope this is better than the last Any comments are welcome!

******************
Did you think you could hide?

Lily Riason shifted in her sleep, her hair sticking to her head from sweat, ‘No…please,’ she mumbled, swinging her arms out, fighting an invisible force. So, you're going with a universal narrator who can see into lily's mind as well as the things happening around her...

Lily, the voice was getting louder, echoing in her mind, or was it in the room? Now, who is asking this question? It's not the narrator, he sees everything. It must be Lily...

She shook her head frantically; ‘No, let me out… please let me out…,’ her restless movements beneath her twisted sheets turned violent. Her mind screaming for her to wake up, but Lily could not escape, ‘No! Don’t leave me here!’ she shouted, bolting upright in her bed, escaping the nightmare, just like every other time, since they had started in the orphanage, all those years previous. Said the universal narrator... why did he feel he had to tell us this right now? What does it add to the story? Lily shook her head, wiping the sweat from her brow.

The nightmare had haunted her since she was a child. You just told us that... or the orphanage, at least, so we assumed she was a child...

Trapped, lost in an interval of time she could not explain, in the dark alone. Looking around, her breath hitching, as she tried to figure out how long she had been there, but the clocks, their faces surrounding her, and closing in, lit the darkness, showing different times and dates. Reaching out her hand to touch them, the clock hands spun wildly, her hand passed through them, not existing in this realm, but only there to confuse her. A figure appeared, speaking to her, but despite the moving of their lips, she could not hear them. Their features enshrouded in shadow, except their lips. Strange and curious, and a great picture of nightmare, but is she awake? (she's bolted upright, she's shaken her head and she's wiped sweat from her brow, and she's looked around, and reached out for a clock - sounds pretty awake to me. But she's either in a dream world, or her mind is so confused about what's going on, that I'm confused as well.

Those terrible lips, twisting into a malicious smile, promising torment. Said the universal narrator, giving us Lily's thoughts as well as the shadow figures...

Trying to forget the nightmare, her eyes roamed the room, noticing a figure by the open window, the cold air bringing goosebumps to her sweaty skin. That was the least of her worries though, as she watched the shadow exit through the window, she leapt up from her bed, against her better reason, and moved to see where they had gone. Back in Lily's pov... and we've gone back to the matter-of-fact descriptiveness that you used before - her eyes 'roamed the room' sounds quite jolly, pretty laid-back and is not the sort of description of someone who's just woken from a terrifying nightmare. And saying that was 'the least of her worries' when she's just been scared witless by a shadowy figure with tormented lips made me think "well what is the least of her worries?" Why has the narrator dropped these thoughts into her mind? She moves to see where they had gone, and there's no tension in this bit at all, which is such a shame after the nightmare description

There was no one there. There was never anyone there. Especially since they seem to have stepped through a window... which floor is she on?

A reoccurring pattern, only to have reality return to her, and the rational thoughts telling her it was the aftermath of the nightmare. The most plausible explanation she could think of. Why have you told us this? There's even less mystery now, nothing the reader can use his imagination for.

Although she was a smart girl, sailing through her schooling, and now in her last year at the University of Edinburgh, Lily had never managed to explain what was happening to her. Referring to books, trying to find the answer within their pages, but she came up empty handed every time. She gave up upon leaving Nairn, but since moving to Edinburgh, the nightmares became longer, more threatening, and harder to escape. Said the univeral narrator who is determined to tell the reader every last detail so he can understand. It's a complete jolt out of the scene in hand, and it's telling at its worst. We don't need to know this right now. It may be relevant at some point in the story, but not at this tense moment.

Lily mentally shook herself to rid the fear that was overcoming her, and went to her bathroom to shower. You need to look at that sentence... Whilst waiting for the water to heat up, her mind drifted to what had occurred yesterday in one of her classes. Staring out the window, something she was wont to do since she tended to let her imagination run away with her, a figure had been standing next to the fountain, watching her… She could not explain then what they looked like, she originally thought it was ethereal, but the hems of their robes moving in the breeze told her the being was solid.just a minute...'a figure was standing' but 'the hems of their robes moving' How many people are there???

She stepped into the shower, the warm water calming her nerves, and washing the rising fears away. She could scarcely imagine what they wanted with her. So she's not frightened, not concerned, not fearful, because she 'could scarcely imagine what they wanted with her'.... Her fears stemmed from the figure in her nightmare because they looked similar, but the dream figure tried to hurt her. The figure in her waking life had had many opportunities to hurt her over the years, but they always ran away. How many people? The figure in her waking life (one) they always ran away (more than one).

Lily sighed, shaking her head, and deciding she would not think on it anymore, she instead focussed on the history essay she was writing up for her class the following morning. Lily's pov

Lily loved history. A tome, her most treasured possession, lay on her shelf in the little student flat; dedicated to all history dating back to the beginning of time. The entries in there fascinated her, and she often wondered what it would be like to live in certain past eras. Curiously, whenever these thoughts enter her mind, the shadowy figures appear. Universal narrator again, dragging us away from the action, telling us about the past.

On one such occasion, she had even come close to touching the robe of an unsuspecting figure, but a jolt of electricity, and a whimper from her, had alerted them. This sounds like the jolt of electricity came from Lily. is that what you mean?They fled around the corner, Lily chasing them, but they were gone. This happened quite regularly, and she began to believe she was insane. Needing to stay focussed, Lily shook those thoughts away. Now, or every time she thought it? Maybe she was insane, many people she had mentioned it to certainly seemed to think so, but she shrugged it off. read that last sentence aloud, the first comma should be a full stop, at the very least.

Presently, she stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself, and another around her long black tresses. Around her hair - we're not in a victorian melodrama... She focussed on the upcoming meeting with Joseph Gael, one of the Board Members for the students. What he wanted to see her for, she couldn’t say, but it must be important, and shadowy figures invading her thoughts, was the last thing she wanted.

And I'm sorry to say that this piece seems to have been written too quickly, with too little attention to grammar or syntax, or who is telling the story. The narrator is confusing and gets in the way of you bringing the story forward. You've shown before that you have 'voice', a style that can shine through the 'telling', but you seem so intent on getting over all those bits of information about the past (which I promise you may well be relevant, but they're not relevant here...) you're doing as much telling as you did in your first version, you've just spread it around differently.

This is not meant as a negative response to your writing, but as a way of showing what isn't working as well as it could be, and for you to consider how to make it better, and give you the satisfaction of improving your craft. You're obviously not afraid of doing it, and I hope I'll see some more revisions, which have been thought through, and written by you, thought about by you, revised by you, re-revised by you, and then put up here when you've got it as far as you can. Alternatively, you can (and should!) consider I'm talking b*lls and your style is what you want to do, and what the hell do I know...

 

[Myra]

Hi Boneman, I don't for a minute think your advice is 'bull' as you put it, and I have read that thread. I know I rushed this piece, and I regretted putting it up as soon as I did. It's kind of the reason I haven't been on much, I've been taking the time to look through everything I have written, and then I'm just going to continue on, maybe put some stuff up later once I've got my head around the direction I want it to go in.

Thank you for pointing out these faults though, I've never been good with narrative and voice, it confuses me, but I'm learning I think.

Thanks again.

 

[Boneman]

No, you are definitely learning, and you're prepared to work and rework, which is excellent. Honestly, if I look back at my first draft of my first book, I am seriously embarrassed to have thought it was ready to send to agents, and yet I did just that... I didn't know about the incredible help that was available, here, and it took 2 professional critiques of the whole book before I began to see what I was doing badly. That was 2006, by the way, and I'm still learning and still striving to be a published author... And I only found my way here at the end of 2008... If you're prepared to do the work, you can only improve!

 

[Myra]

No, you are definitely learning, and you're prepared to work and rework, which is excellent. Honestly, if I look back at my first draft of my first book, I am seriously embarrassed to have thought it was ready to send to agents, and yet I did just that... I didn't know about the incredible help that was available, here, and it took 2 professional critiques of the whole book before I began to see what I was doing badly. That was 2006, by the way, and I'm still learning and still striving to be a published author... And I only found my way here at the end of 2008... If you're prepared to do the work, you can only improve!

Thank you, it's really nice to hear that I am getting better. It gives me the will to go on. The advice of everyone on Chrons has been invaluable to me I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't joined I probably would have produced a book to make people cry in horror

I am prepared to do the work, try and improve, keep learning and make it to the end. I think the best thing I should do is get it all down, finish the first draft so I know roughly how I want the story to go step by step and then go through it again and again editing. Rather that than complete one chapter and edit and edit and edit until it doesn't make sense, or changes everything I had planned for the story itself. Don't want to confuse myself

Thanks again, Boneman, you've been a great help!