Pilot episode! (Sci-fi vs Fantasy) Part 2

[Fuzzy Modem]

EXT. OASIS - ESTABLISHING - DAY

The sun pours down on a lush green river valley surrounded by
a bleak desert.

Castles float through the sky on slabs of stone.

Riders mounted on winged serpents fly toward the largest
castle, which sits at the center of the oasis. Unlike the
others it no longer floats, and is supported by thick
columns. A bustling medieval city sprawls out around it.

Closer, we see a large garden at the center of the castle.
The garden is laid out like a mass transit center. People
from all walks of life file through the maze of pathways.
Each leads to a different stone platform marked by a unique
flag or crest. The platforms are guarded, and the garden is
surrounded by archers.

A portal opens above one of the platforms and a traveler
steps through and presents a scroll for the guards to
inspect.

ERON runs through the garden. He is a young man clad in light
leather armor and armed with bow and sword. He catches up to
two brawny warriors.

ERON
Arden! I'm coming with you!
​

ARDEN looks like Eron but is older and broader in the chest
and shoulders. He wears thick leather armor. His companion
BRONAL is tall and burly. He carries a jug in one hand and
has a huge sword slung across his back.

ARDEN
We don't have provisions for three.
​

ERON
I can hunt for food.
​

ARDEN
What do you expect to be able to
track in the borderlands?

ERON
Whatever there is. I can fish too.

ARDEN
You haven't got a pole.

ERON
I know the words.
​

ARDEN
(laughs)
Come along then. How did you talk
father into it?

ERON
The law reads "any citizen of a
member race is allowed to travel
through an active gate provided
they have family on the other
side."

ARDEN
Though this one hasn't been active
in living memory.

ERON
He'd just signed the law. He
couldn't very well argue against it
in the same session.

ARDEN
I take it I'm the family you have
on the other side?

ERON
As long as you go through first.
Pretty clever huh? How long will we
be gone?

BRONAL
We'll walk the old trails 'till
first moonfall then head back. If
they want to show themselves they
will.

ERON
What are they like?

BRONAL
The Sylph are an old race. They've
been on this world far longer than
humans.

ARDEN
-Though you'll probably consider
them uncivilized. You sure you're
ready for this?

ERON
Don't worry about me. I can handle
myself in a fight.

ARDEN
There won't be a fight if we don't
provoke them Eron. We just want to
offer them a seat at the table. If
they refuse we'll come home and
reseal the gate for another age.

ERON
Then why are you two armed and
armored?

ARDEN
Remember what Father said?

ERON
(pause)
Optimism is the best offense, but
pessimism is the best defense.

ARDEN
You're paying attention. I'll grant
you that.
​

They arrive at a stone platform overgrown with weeds and
vines.

A younger Leraint awaits them, as well as GERATH who wears a
crown and gilded scabbard.

GERATH
I didn't think you were going Eron.

ERON
I guess you were wrong.

GERATH
I envy your freedom. Those of us
with responsibilities don't get to
take holidays.
​

He turns to Arden.

GERATH (CONT'D)
When you return I'll expect this
back immediately.
​

Gerath unbuckles his scabbard and hands the sword to Arden
with destain, then struts out of ear shot.

BRONAL
I really do not like that man.
You'd be ten times the king Gerath
will.
​

LERAINT
I cannot disagree. Your voice at
the table will be missed Arden.

ARDEN
You will speak for me 'till I
return Leraint. I've spoken to
Father about it.

LERAINT
Still, hurry back. I have a notion
that Gerath means to take advantage
of your absence.
​

They embrace. Leraint shakes wrists with Eron and Bronal.
Arden draws the ancient sword, holds the blade above the
center of the platform and speaks three strange words. A
portal opens and they step through.

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

Hey Fuzzy...

First off, given the fantasy-style setting of this scene (except for the 'stargates'), starting with the voice-over and the crashing spaceship would make for a much more interesting beginning than the battle-field thing... I feel the juxtaposition of the two genres would work really well (kind of similar to the beginning of 'Xenogears' on PS1)

Given it's filmed instead of a novel, you could fade from Leraint in this scene, watching the others leave in the lush garden, to an older Leraint on the battle-field site, THEN put that scene in, and it would make much bigger visual impact that way...

Just a few little crits with this one...


Closer, we see a large garden at the center of the castle.
The garden is laid out like a mass transit center. People
from all walks of life file through the maze of pathways.
Each leads to a different stone platform marked by a unique
flag or crest. The platforms are guarded, and the garden is
surrounded by archers.

This should be two separate bits... Each line of 'business' should only be a single sentence... There are a couple of times this comes up but I won't pick out each one, just keep an eye out for it...


A portal opens above one of the platforms and a traveler
steps through and presents a scroll for the guards to
inspect.

That should be "on one of the platforms" Above makes it seem like the person is dropping out of the sky... Traveller has two l's as well...


The bit with all the dialogue needs a few lines of business here and there, anyone looking at it professionally would see it as too 'talky' as nothing visual is going on and there is no hint at subtext with body language... I hate having to do it myself, but a line or two after every two or three bits of dialogue, even if its only something like "The shadow of a winged beast passes over them" just so it 'LOOKS' more fantasy-esque and breaks up the dialogue-dialogue-dialogue thing is a good idea for trying to sell it (or sell yourself to an agent off the back of it if you are making it yourself)...


Gerath unbuckles his scabbard and hands the sword to Arden
with destain, then struts out of ear shot.

It should be "disdain" not destain, and Gerath should be walking off screen not out of ear-shot... That's taken as implied and looks better on the page...


Also, you do need to put the three strange words in dialogue at the end of this scene instead of just telling us about them in the business...


Overall, I like the idea behind it and want to see where it's going, but be careful with the dialogue, and, because of the background, try not to make it too 'middle-earthy'...

Even though they went back to using swords and bows, and there is some sort of magic at work (whether it's real magic or some sort of mutation/nano-technology isn't clear yet), it doesn't read that their speech patterns would revert back to "forsooth my lord, thy mighty steed doth impress"... ESPECIALLY if they are talking to alien Sylph (who wouldn't talk like that) and other humans from the crash (who also wouldn't talk like that), it would jar massively...


Jammill

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Thanks Jammill Some good catches there.

One super important bit that I think I'm confusing people on, is that there are two groups of humans, one on either side of the planet. The first was brought via portal from Earth in the 8th century, and haven't changed much since. These are the magic users. A different civilization arrived in the 22nd century, after developed advanced technology. They are the ones who crashed in the colony ship.

This will become obvious about half way through, when I introduce the other civilization (and the two meet for the first time) but how can I make this more clear before then?

-
I will need to develop my magic words eventually, right now I'm afraid it will turn people off due to sheer geekyness. It's the same reason I've avoided using words like "prince".

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

One way would be to put some sort of time-stamp on it that gives us a defined period of time between the ship crashing and the other events (some time long enough for them to set up their own civilisation)... Otherwise the way it seems now is that the Sylph and the magic users are two DIFFERENT species, and the shipwreck is happening concurrently with the story (I thought it was going to CAUSE the war between the magicians and the Sylph)...

Plus, if the magicians are from the 8th century, and they haven't had direct contact with the aliens or whoever brought them to the planet (otherwise they would have technology and stuff), would they know about different planets etc, and not just have thought some evil wizard magiced them to a distant kingdom...

But if that's the case, they can forsooth as many Lords as they like


Jammill

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

I'm avoiding dates, but I do have the two moons, which act like the hands of a clock.

Part of the problem is that reading the script you lose all these visual cues. I just need to learn how to write them in so people "see" them, rather than having to remember a description from earlier, without out adding bulk or clutter.

-

I've decided to move the introduction of the Nightside civilization up to the next scene. (It used to about half way through.) I need to conceive and write this scene from scratch, so it will be very, very rough and I'll need lots of help.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Okay, I think I have a good start on the first draft of next scene. Feel free to move it if I've exceed my character limit. Should I plan on doing one scene per thread?

-

EXT. LANDFALL CITY - ESTABLISHING

Elegant but unfinished. The ribs of the mighty colony ship's
hull still surround the small city. Large floating airships
hover high above, with a swarm of flying vehicles below. The
WARDEN'S ESTATE towers over the nearby tenements.



INT. WARDEN'S ESTATE

PARIK, a young man in an armored uniform, stands on the
landing of a staircase. He looks out a tall window toward the
skyscrapers at the city's center.

Soldiers stand at attention in every corner, and a servant
attends a dining area below.

PARIK
Trustee? Bring two hot waters up to
the Warden's study.
​

The servant complies silently. Reaching the landing he
follows Parik to the top level. They stop at a security door,
and he hands Parik the two glasses without making eye
contact.

PARIK (CONT'D)
Take my bags to the transport, then
you're dismissed for sleep cycle.
​

He leaves. A security device scans Parik's eye, and a full
size hologram of Captain Elias springs to life. He wears a
navy cap and long pea coat.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
Identity confirmed. Welcome Parik.
​

PARIK
Hello Captain. I didn't expect to
see you here.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
Kalea requested my expertise. I
must say I disapprove of her plan.

PARIK
Which is why I didn't expect to see
you.
​

The enter the room together.



INT. WARDEN'S STUDY

An undecorated oval room with a bench at the
center. A young woman, KAYLEA, stands at a giant interactive
screen, working with a schematic of a sleek aircraft.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
-no substitute for experience. I
was still alive last time we
explored the borderlands.

KAYLEA
We're not exploring. It's a simple
turbulence test. I'm just going
where the wind is.
​

Parik sets her drink on the bench. Kaylea does not look away
from her work.

PARIK
Is this bench real wood?

KAYLEA
From the arboretum. They were just
going to recycle it.

PARIK
Kaylea... If we run into convicts-

KAYLEA
-Cons keep clear of the border.
Scared of the natives.

PARIK
And you aren't?

KAYLEA
I don't believe in fairy tales
anymore little brother. Do you?
​

CAPTAIN ELIAS
I assure you Kaylea, the natives
are very real. The first time we
tried to cross over we lost more
men to them than we did to the
storm.

KAYLEA
We're not crossing over, and
they've never been reported on our
side of the border. I don't want to
hear any more about invisible
aliens. Keep telling me about the
atmosphere.
​

She brings up a map which shows their location, with the
Convict city on one side, and the border on the other. The
image then pivots, giving them a cutaway of the atmosphere
along the mountains.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
The wind here is unpredictable.
Especially higher up.

KAYLEA
I'll stay low. What about daylight?
Can you see it from our side?

CAPTAIN ELIAS
You cannot see the sun, but you can
see a bit of it's light. Does that
effect your calculations?

PARIK
Haven't you sent that to
fabrication yet? The transport is
standing by.

KAYLEA
I'm almost done.

PARIK
Okay. I'm gonna go brief my squad
leaders... Why aren't we taking an
airship?

KAYLEA
The Cons won't notice a single
transport. Tell the pilot he'll be
dropping us off and patrolling
until we call for him.
​

He empties his glass. She turns to face him.

KAYLEA (CONT'D)
Thank you.

PARIK
Don't thank me. I still think this
is a mistake.

KAYLEA
Thank you for the water.
​

She turns back and continues working.

PARIK
Any time little sister.
​

He leaves.

 

[The Judge]

Okay, I think I have a good start on the first draft of next scene. Feel free to move it if I've exceed my character limit. Should I plan on doing one scene per thread?

You're fine with this extract, but another one pushes you over the limit.

Don't forget, though, that Critiques isn't designed for a review of a complete work, or even a substantial part of it, so you need to think about whether it's appropriate to post a great deal more, anyway. The idea behind Critiques is for us to identify problems (eg poor spelling or grammar or a tendency to info-dump or write poor dialogue or whatever) which the author then has to try and work through on his/her own, occasionally coming back to see if his/her efforts at improving are successful, and/or to help with specific scenes which the author thinks aren't working but can't see how to correct.

If you want help in greater depth or for more than simply a few scenes, then it might be an idea to see if anyone is willing to help with the whole thing off-Chrons, ie via email attachments or something.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Ok. So... anyone interested in helping me out over email? Pleeeeese?

[image of kitten]

-

Right now I have Alyssa's story book-ending that of her parents. I do have a good place to bring them back in the middle. Do you think that's a good idea?

"She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time"

-Columbo

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Wrote the middle Alyssa scene.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

[edit] Went over char. limit. nm.

If you'd like to hear more, please email me at crossovercomic@gmail.com

Hope to hear from you!