My first critique submission- Chapter 1: Our Story Begins

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kaufmannp

Writing the good fight!
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Below is the first 1,038 words of Chapter 1 of my wip. Enjoy and criticize away with my thanks!


Chapter 1: Our Story Begins

A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October when two small craft emerged suddenly from hyper-space, quite far from the established window for incoming flights. The first vessel to appear was an unmarked freighter, an older model that had seen its prime come and go decades earlier, and which currently appeared to be in some state of duress not completely attributable to its age. Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort, and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its lateral fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity.

The primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802, plodded along on its orbit around the sun as it had for the last few million years, ignorant to the plight of its newest arrival. In a series of rather dramatic maneuvering burns, the freighter's pilot worked feverishly to put as much of the planet’s mass between the vessel and its reentry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into the gas giant’s violent atmosphere. The freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well, shuddering uncertainly with every maneuvering push of its thrusters.

At last the injured ship cleared the planet and it settled onto a somewhat circuitous course with a small moon orbiting the far side of N-19.802. The small moon glistened serenely as it spun gently around its titanic neighbor, a soft hue of green and blue that stood in strict contrast to the harsh glare of yellows and oranges thrown off from its fellow orb.

One last thruster burn directed it towards the southern hemisphere of the moon just as it edged toward the terminator into the night cycle of its orbit. The freighter flared when it passed into the moon’s atmosphere, the friction shielding at its belly glowing softly as it swiftly descended through a cloudless sky. Smoke issued from the aft exhaust port, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface.

A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation, the speed at which it had been falling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable coming to a sudden and spectacular end with an explosion on the starboard wing. The freighter veered sharply to port and then began an uncontrolled spiral toward the tree-covered slopes.



The second vessel to appear that day was of such specific design that its purpose could be easily ascertained. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons. Maneuvering thrusters that glowed intensely as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity of insertion into normal space. The overall impression was that of a gargantuan lawn dart, a predatory thing with a singular intent: Seekand destroy.

When it reached the speed at which it could maneuver more freely, the Seeker’s sensor array lit up to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed as it worked to obtain its bearings. Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 as an unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way of hiding spots. Expanding the parameters of its targeting program, the Seeker began to search along somewhat more favorable escape vectors. There!

The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker noted with distain. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way andthat. It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee, on an indirect but unmistakable course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant.



Dominated by vast forests and a number of sizable mountain and lakes, this particular small moon had always provided a most welcome sight for travelers who had come to this most distant system in the Republic, and had thus been christened Terris Dista. Otherwise unremarkable, it tended to attract little attention outside of the occasional trader bound for the Imperial border, which intersected a neighboring system- a relative stones throw away, by interstellar reckoning.

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys just outside the forests of the moon’s southern continent managed to observe the crash-landing. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the better part of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided. Short of not only stature, but patience as well,they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds.

The conflict, like all others, was governed by a strict code of unwritten rules, the violation of which resulted in swift but usually just expulsion from the battlefield. Said expulsion was, in general, enforced by whichever party held the current tactical advantage; however it was not uncommon for rival factions to combine their forces in an effort to maintain the conflict’s stability. Such were the battlefield ethics of eleven-year-olds.

The weapons of the day were simple in form but functional enough to get the job done; short-swords composed of the light-weight wood from a local variation of balsam trees. The blades had been fashioned to taper out into flattened tips, mostly to prevent permanent harm from being wrought on their victims. Firmly gripped in small but sturdy hands, the dimensions of each sword were almost identical to one another, roughly two feet by four inches. Attacks were conducted with little thought for the art of modern swordsmanship, and in most cases resulted in fruitless slashes that looked dashing nonetheless, which was of course the entire point of the affair.
 
Hiya Kaufmannp,

I don't have much to say. I read this through and enjoyed it very much. I found a couple of things on my pickier read-through, but not much. I should say now that I don't read a lot of science fiction so I might be asking silly questions.


Chapter 1: Our Story Begins -- I wasn't sure if this title was a placeholder/ joke, and if it wasn't, but a real title, I wasn't sure what I thought of it (there -- lots of uncertainty to start off with)

A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October [I like the contrast between the Dista star system and the much more mundane date of 'late October']when two small craft emerged suddenly from hyper-space, quite far from the established window for incoming flights. The first vessel to appear was an unmarked freighter, an older model that had seen its prime come and go [you have a more complex and slightly wordier style than I'm used to, so take my tightening suggestions with a pinch of salt, but do you need 'come and go'?] decades earlier, and which currently appeared to be in some state of duress [not sure about 'duress' exactly. How about 'distress'?] not completely attributable to its age. Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort [you are fond of the word 'some' (I like it too)], and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its lateral fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity.

The primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802, plodded along on its orbit around the sun as it had for the last few million years, ignorant to [of?] the plight of its newest arrival. In a series of rather dramatic maneuvering burns, the freighter's pilot worked feverishly to put as much of the planet’s mass between the vessel and its reentry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into the gas giant’s violent atmosphere. The freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well, shuddering uncertainly with every maneuvering push of its thrusters. [nice]

At last the injured ship cleared the planet and [it -- don't think you need] settled onto a somewhat circuitous course with a small moon orbiting the far side of N-19.802.[I don't understand the sentence 'At last... N-19.802' it might be the 'with' -- does it mean 'towards'?] The small moon glistened serenely as it spun gently around its titanic neighbor, a soft hue of green and blue [I think this is ambiguous -- what has the soft hue? the small moon or the titanic neighbour? -- plus I wondered about 'hueS'] that stood in strict contrast to the harsh glare of yellows and oranges thrown off from ['off from' made me twitch -- it feels like there should be a neater way to say it]its fellow orb.

One last thruster burn directed it [the freighter] towards the southern hemisphere of the moon just as it edged toward the terminator into the night cycle of its orbit [er... this is science fiction-speak, right? The terminator?]. The freighter flared when it passed into the moon’s atmosphere, the friction shielding at its belly glowing softly as it swiftly descended through a cloudless sky. Smoke issued from the aft exhaust port, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface.

A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation, the speed at which it had been falling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable coming [came -- because of the 'but'] to a sudden and spectacular end with an explosion on the starboard wing. The freighter veered sharply to port and then began an uncontrolled spiral toward the tree-covered slopes.



The second vessel to appear that day was of such specific design that its purpose could be easily ascertained. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons. Maneuvering thrusters that glowed intensely as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity of insertion into normal space. The overall impression was that of a gargantuan lawn dart, [hee hee. I like this (although I don't actually know what a lawn dart is] a predatory thing with a singular intent: Seekand destroy.

When it reached the speed at which it could maneuver more freely, the Seeker’s sensor array lit up to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed as it worked to obtain its bearings. Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 as an unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way of hiding spots. Expanding the parameters of its targeting program, the Seeker began to search along somewhat more favorable escape vectors. There!

The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker noted with distain. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way andthat. [I really like this image] It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee, on an indirect but unmistakable course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant. [because you described the freighter doing this, perhaps you risk repeating yourself here?]



Dominated by vast forests and a number of sizable mountain and lakes, this particular small moon had always provided a most welcome sight for travelers who had come to this most distant system in the Republic, and had thus been christened Terris Dista. Otherwise unremarkable, it tended to attract little attention outside of the occasional trader bound for the Imperial border, which intersected a neighboring system- a relative stones throw away, by interstellar reckoning.

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys just outside the forests of the moon’s southern continent managed to observe the crash-landing. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the better part of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s [combatants'] enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided. Short of not only stature, but patience as well,they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds.

The conflict, like all others, was governed by a strict code of unwritten rules, the violation of which resulted in swift but usually just expulsion from the battlefield. Said expulsion was, in general, enforced by whichever party held the current tactical advantage; however it was not uncommon for rival factions to combine their forces in an effort to maintain the conflict’s stability. Such were the battlefield ethics of eleven-year-olds.

The weapons of the day were simple in form but functional enough to get the job done; short-swords composed of the light-weight wood from a local variation of balsam trees. The blades had been fashioned to taper out into flattened tips, mostly to prevent permanent harm from being wrought on their victims. Firmly gripped in small but sturdy hands, the dimensions of each sword were almost identical to one another, roughly two feet by four inches. Attacks were conducted with little thought for the art of modern swordsmanship, and in most cases resulted in fruitless slashes that looked dashing nonetheless, which was of course the entire point of the affair.


I like this. I like the style; I think the story's intriguing. I'd personally like things to settle down into someone's point of view reasonably soon, but that's just preference. Good stuff. Keep writing it.
 
Below is the first 1,038 words of Chapter 1 of my wip. Enjoy and criticize away with my thanks!


Chapter 1: Our Story Begins

A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October when two small craft emerged suddenly- I'd lose from hyper-space, quite far from the established window for incoming flights. The first vessel to appear was an unmarked freighter, an older model that had seen its prime come and go decades earlier, and which currently appeared to be in some state of duress not completely attributable to its age. Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort, and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its lateral fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity.omnipresent narrator but he is leaving it up in the air what the necessity is. I hope I'm going to fine out quite soon.

The primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802, plodded along on its orbit around the sun as it had for the last few million years, ignorant to the plight of its newest arrival. In a series of rather dramatic maneuvering burns, the freighter's pilot worked feverishly to put as much of the planet’s mass between the vessel and its reentry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into the gas giant’s violent atmosphere. The freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well, shuddering uncertainly with every maneuvering push of its thrusters. I'm still not quite getting where the focus of the narrative voice is. The switch to the pilot without telling me anything about them pulled me out. I'd be happier to hear about the ship's movements and leave the pilot to the side for now.

At last the injured ship cleared the planet and it settled onto a somewhat circuitous course with a small moon orbiting the far side of N-19.802. The small - repeat moon glistened serenely as it spun gently - I'd lose around its titanic neighbor, a soft hue of green and blue that stood in strict contrast to the harsh glare of yellows and oranges thrown off from its fellow orb. - I coudln't tell which hue belonged to which.

One last thruster burn directed it towards the southern hemisphere of the moon just as it - the moon? edged toward the terminator into the night cycle of its orbit. The freighter flared when it passed into the moon’s atmosphere, the friction shielding at its belly glowing softly as it swiftly - another adverb that I think could easily go. descended through a cloudless sky. Smoke issued from the aft exhaust port, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface. - don't need, we know he's descending.

A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation, the speed at which it had been falling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable coming - came to a sudden and spectacular end with an explosion on the starboard wingthis could be made a bit more active - it's a space crash, so should be exciting - I'd change it to something like, came to a spectacular end when the starboard wing exploded - put it more into the active voice. The freighter veered sharply to port and then - I'd lose began an uncontrolled spiral toward the tree-covered - don't need slopes.



The second vessel - oh I'd forgot about him. Did you need to mention him above, or could it be brought in now? to appear that day was of such specific design that - I'm on the fence on this one, I think it could go, I know other's might keep this oneits purpose could be easily ascertained. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons. Maneuvering thrusters that glowed intensely as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity of insertion into normal space - didn't follow this one, but that might be me. the hard sf guys might be nodding sagely.. The overall impression was that of a gargantuan lawn dart, a predatory thing with a singular intent: Seekand destroy.

When it reached the speed at which it could maneuver more freely, the Seeker’s sensor array lit up to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed as it worked to obtain its bearings. Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 as an unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way of hiding spots. Expanding the parameters of its targeting program, the Seeker began to search along somewhat more favorable escape vectors. There!

The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker noted with distain. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way andthat. It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee - I'm intrigued but can't quite imagine it, on an indirect but unmistakable course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant - I don't think you need this.



Dominated by vast forests and a number of sizable mountains and lakes, this particular small moon had always provided a most welcome sight for travelers who had come to this most distant system in the Republic, and had thus been christened Terris Dista. Otherwise unremarkable, it tended to attract little attention outside of the occasional trader bound for the Imperial border, which intersected a neighboring system- a relative stones throw away, by interstellar reckoning. do you need this paragraph? It took me right out of the action of the space craft. Can you tell me later?

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys just outside the forests of the moon’s southern continent managed to observe I'd change to observed the crash-landing. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the better part of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided. Short of not only stature, but patience as well,they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds. I think the bit about the boys is way too wordy, and gives me information I don't need to know right now. I want to know what happens to the poor little ship... and more importantly whoever managed to hold on and fly it well enough to get it down.

The conflict, like all others, was governed by a strict code of unwritten rules, the violation of which resulted in swift but usually just expulsion from the battlefield. Said expulsion was, in general, enforced by whichever party held the current tactical advantage; however it was not uncommon for rival factions to combine their forces in an effort to maintain the conflict’s stability. Such were the battlefield ethics of eleven-year-olds. It's all interesting, but the gist could be given in fewer words but meantime - where's the little ship?

The weapons of the day were simple in form but functional enough to get the job done; short-swords composed of the light-weight wood from a local variation of balsam trees. The blades had been fashioned to taper out into flattened tips, mostly to prevent permanent harm from being wrought on their victims. Firmly gripped in small but sturdy hands, the dimensions of each sword were almost identical to one another, roughly two feet by four inches. Attacks were conducted with little thought for the art of modern swordsmanship, and in most cases resulted in fruitless slashes that looked dashing nonetheless, which was of course the entire point of the affair.

I thought your writing was good. There are a lot of adverbs I thought you could easily ditch, and I thought you could tighten it, but it was good. What did pull me out was the switch from the spacecraft to the planet and the kids. As a reader I'd been asked to buy in to the first ship, spent a bit of time doing so, and then I was cheated out of knowing what happened to it. I thought maybe, just maybe, the writer was hoping he'd hooked me enough to keep reading and wondered was I being a little manipulated.... since I sort of got that sense in the first paragraph with the neccesity being hung out and not explained, I'm worried it'll go on through the book.
I'm a linear reader, though, and just like a nice story to read, so it might not bother others in the least. But, I've read that it's good not to hide things deliberately from your readers, it perhaps alienates them, and I sort of got the feeling things were being held back from me for the purpose of intriguing me to read on. Would it make me think twice about reading on? Yes, definitely.
 
Hhhmmm, another space opera.

A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October when two small craft emerged suddenly from hyper-space, quite far from the established window for incoming flights.


Two things, first the use of suddenly. Suddenly should be used sparingly, and in this case, do the space-ships announce that they're coming out from the hyper-space in the destination area? Although, I don't think that there's one of those arrival announcement e-boards - that you find from the bus stops - attached to the jump-gates, you should think where and when you're going use words suddenly and window. Modern readers are very knowledgeable.

The first vessel to appear was an unmarked freighter, an older model that had seen its prime come and go decades earlier, and which currently appeared to be in some state of duress not completely attributable to its age. Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort, and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its lateral fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity.

I have a problem with this para. In the previous, you started building up tension, but in this one, you dull it down. The description at the beginning reads like the freighter is normal, but soon the reader finds out that it's under a duress. Why?


The primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802, plodded along on its orbit around the sun as it had for the last few million years, ignorant to the plight of its newest arrival. In a series of rather dramatic maneuvering burns, the freighter's pilot worked feverishly to put as much of the planet’s mass between the vessel and its reentry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into the gas giant’s violent atmosphere. The freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well, shuddering uncertainly with every maneuvering push of its thrusters.


LOL. This starts to read like a joke. An freighter comes out from the hyperspace far from jump-gates and usual traffic, and in the next turn, it's speeding towards a gas-giant as if it's still having a part of the hyper-space velocity. And to slow down it's speed, the pilot is trying to beat the windward, by tacking in multiple directions, rather than using atmosphere to break the speed (not talking about the engines).

To be honest, the reader at this point could be putting this down or continuing to see where you're heading. But honestly, the thing is that this could had been written so much better. With a little drops of description in correct places, and focusing on the essential you could have build up tension really high at this point. And that tension could be hooking the readers rather than making them to scratch back of their heads and laughing.

I sense that you're aiming this to be a serious piece of literature and in order to get it published, you need to show that. The readers cannot break the plausibility at this point. Not in third paragraph.


At last the injured ship cleared the planet and it settled onto a somewhat circuitous course with a small moon orbiting the far side of N-19.802. The small moon glistened serenely as it spun gently around its titanic neighbor, a soft hue of green and blue that stood in strict contrast to the harsh glare of yellows and oranges thrown off from its fellow orb.

One last thruster burn directed it towards the southern hemisphere of the moon just as it edged toward the terminator into the night cycle of its orbit. The freighter flared when it passed into the moon’s atmosphere, the friction shielding at its belly glowing softly as it swiftly descended through a cloudless sky. Smoke issued from the aft exhaust port, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface.


So that's it? I feel disappointed. You built up tension and then you let it dwindle out like a trail of smoke from the aft exhaust port. At this point I'm not sure if I'd like to read on, or put it down, but since this is your first post, I'll keep continuing.


A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation, the speed at which it had been falling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable coming to a sudden and spectacular end with an explosion on the starboard wing. The freighter veered sharply to port and then began an uncontrolled spiral toward the tree-covered slopes.

The second vessel to appear that day was of such specific design that its purpose could be easily ascertained. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons. Maneuvering thrusters that glowed intensely as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity of insertion into normal space. The overall impression was that of a gargantuan lawn dart, a predatory thing with a singular intent: Seek and destroy.


So much description and so little meat. There's not even a hint of plot for the readers to grasp. Do you think that modern readers want to read something so vague? I doubt they would, because there's better books that have established at least so sort of plot by this point.


The other thing that bothers me is that you're now switching the POV from the freighter to the second ship, and you think that the same visuals you established earlier on can catch the readers and pull them into the story. I really doubt it's happening.


When it reached the speed at which it could maneuver more freely, the Seeker’s sensor array lit up to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed as it worked to obtain its bearings. Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 as an unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way of hiding spots. Expanding the parameters of its targeting program, the Seeker began to search along somewhat more favorable escape vectors. There!

The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker noted with distain. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way and that. It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee, on an indirect but unmistakable course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant.


I cannot read this any longer. The omniscient POV is too much. I don't know what the plot is and to be honest, I think you're writing movie visuals, rather then a character driven book.

I'm sorry. There's better books with more intend. Yours isn't even up to the bar with them. If you would and could, you would scratch all of this and start from beginning with characters, not visual description that some omniscient narrator throws to the reader.

 
First and foremost: THANK YOU!!! I truly appreciate the time you took to read my submission, and I think your suggestions are all spot-on. I'll be honest and say that in my excitement to read your critiques I leapt from my bed to the computer desk without a coffee stop in between, so I'm a bit like a kid on Christmas morning just now- no hard math questions please!!

I did have the thought that providing a brief synopsis of the prologue and first two chapters might give some context to what I've already submitted.
Again, Thank you so much!!


Overture: Battleof Terris Noir: Last battle of the Industrial Revolution fought by an Alliance of colonists and imperial resistance against the mercenary armies of the Corporate Authority. Mercenary Leader Gaius Tyranik killed while in battlewith John Sagis during last stand, Piter Yanig taken prisoner.

Chapter 1, Our Story Begins: Young fosterbrothers Kyle and Alex witness the crash landing of a ship while playing in thehills outside their hometown of Goodmore on Terris Dista. When they go to investigate the crash, theyare attacked by the hunter bot that pursued Simon’s ship. Two of Sagis’s deputies, Wembly and Forbes,intervene and are able to hold the bot off until their uncle John Sagis, thesheriff of Goodmore, comes to their rescue and destroys the bot.
Chapter2, The Merry Sheriff of Goodmore: The boysaccompany their Uncle Sagis home for a stern lecture and likely grounding,unaware that a survivor has escaped the wreckage. Having faced punishment atthe hands of both Uncle John and Mrs. Miriam, their housekeeper, the boys aresent to bed early. Meanwhile Johnretires to his study to examine a small courier bot that had arrived thatafternoon. The message is from Sagis’sold friend William Beckett, now a Major and aboard the USS Ventura, which is enroute to Terris Dista, and it reveals that Yanig and his men have escaped. Upstairs, the boys decide to embark on anexpedition to the kitchen to retrieve some dessert, and manage to overhear someof the conversation. They are soengrossed that they are as surprised as the rest of the household at the suddenarrival of the shipwreck’s sole survivor, who has collapsed on their frontporch
 
Do ships sustain injuries, or do they take damage? Injuries implies a physiology (to me at least), and damage implies an artificiality. Also, is it necessary to include the 'late October' in the beginning? This is your first sentence, establishing the month seems extraneous compared to hooking a reader with a clear visual or passage of dialogue.
 
Do ships sustain injuries, or do they take damage? Injuries implies a physiology (to me at least), and damage implies an artificiality. Also, is it necessary to include the 'late October' in the beginning? This is your first sentence, establishing the month seems extraneous compared to hooking a reader with a clear visual or passage of dialogue.


I suppose a measure of physiology is what I'm intending here. I want to relay the sense of the ship as a wounded thing fleeing pursuit. The earlier point that was made about leaving the pilot out will help this, I think, if I can implement it properly.

Thanks for reading!
 
As people on these boards know I am not a professional writer. But I am a dedicated reader. So I can't make the kinds of comments you've mostly gotten here, but I can say that I loved the idea, or at least the idea that was forming in my mind about the kind of story I was about to get, but I found the emphasis on the ships to be off putting. I would have liked to have seen the action through the eyes of the pilot, or captain, or the AI.

Now that I've read your update I think the story is going to evolve around the boys more than the ships. But even that I would start with one or more of the key players and work the story from there.
 
Made some changes based on what I've read here, trying to make sure I don't allow myself too much time from pushing forward rather then editing it all right now.

I can say that I'm working to be a bit more aware of the importance of POV. I think that in my head, I have this idea of what I'm seeing, but I don't want to get lost in describing a world where nothing happens.
Thanks!
 
Chapter 1: Our Story Begins

A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October when two small craft emerged suddenly from hyper-space, quite far from the established window for incoming flights. The first vessel to appear was an unmarked freighter, an older model that had seen its prime come and go decades earlier, and which currently appeared to be in some state of duress not completely attributable to its age. Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort, and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its lateral fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity.
It’s a good opening that has been spoiled a little by the last two lines, a little over cooked. I raised an eyebrow on the use of flak but accepted it. Right or wrong, I did tie the flak and the lateral fin and then into the ships control problems, and then linked space to this. A lateral fin cannot work in the vacuum of space. I may have taken unlinked information and added my reader knowledge and come up with c**p, but it’s what I did.

The primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802, plodded along on its orbit around the sun as it had for the last few million years, ignorant to the plight of its newest arrival. In a series of rather dramatic manoeuvring burns, the freighter's pilot worked feverishly to put as much of the planet’s mass between the vessel and its re-entry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into the gas giant’s violent atmosphere. The freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well, shuddering uncertainly with every manoeuvring push of its thrusters.
Spell check please. For some reason my spell check does not like thrusters and you’re not the only writer to use this spelling, hhmmm, I have no recommendations for this. The first link was flat and wordy to me, too much information while actually telling me nothing. What colour was this gas giant for example?

At last the injured ship cleared the planet and it settled onto a somewhat circuitous course - Orbit? with a small moon orbiting the far side of N-19.802. The small moon glistened serenely as it spun gently around its titanic neighbour, a soft hue of green and blue that stood in strict contrast to the harsh glare of yellows and oranges thrown off from its fellow orbI suspect the gas giant but I’m not sure.
Too wordy for me and killed the pace and excitement for me.

One last thruster burn directed it towards the southern hemisphere of the moon just as it edged toward the terminator into the night cycle of its orbit. The freighter flared when it passed into the moon’s atmosphere, the friction shielding at its belly glowing softly as it swiftly descended through a cloudless sky. Smoke issued from the aft exhaust port, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface.
A heavy description, but I liked it, the action pulled me back.

A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation, the speed at which it had been falling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable(not to me) coming to a sudden and spectacular(most explosions are, one description too many) end with an explosion on the starboard wing. The freighter veered sharply to port and then began an uncontrolled spiral toward the tree-covered slopes.
This needs to be much tighter as it spoils the pace of the ship falling. Good drama.

The second vessel to appear that day was of such specific design that its purpose could be easily ascertained I don’t like this line, the bits in red got me – if used after I had an image in my head these descriptions may have worked, but before the image they annoy. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons. Manoeuvring thrusters that glowed intensely as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity of insertion into normal space. The overall impression was that of a gargantuan lawn dart (I have no idea what they are, will google after this), a predatory thing with a singular intent: Seekand destroy.
The over use of description is off putting for me.

When it reached the speed at which it could manoeuvre more freely, the Seeker’s sensor array lit up to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed as it worked to obtain its bearings. Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 as an unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way of hiding spots. Expanding the parameters of its targeting program, the Seeker began to search along somewhat more favourable escape vectors. There!
Very impersonal, I have no idea if the seeker is a person or machine. As the Seeker is making decisions, I’d like more as to what it is.

The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker noted with distain – see it is a character!!!. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way and that. It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee, on an indirect but unmistakable course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant.
Now it is very off putting, what is the seeker???

Dominated by vast forests and a number of sizable mountain and lakes, this particular small moon had always provided a most welcome sight for travellers who had come to this most distant system in the Republic, and had thus been christened Terris Dista. Otherwise unremarkable, it tended to attract little attention outside of the occasional trader bound for the Imperial border, which intersected a neighbouring system- a relative stone’s throw away, by interstellar reckoning.
You describe and then state it’s unremarkable, a little unfair on the reader. Very wordy again and distracting from the action.

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys just outside the forests of the moon’s southern continent managed to observe the crash-landing. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the better part of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided. Short of not only stature, but patience as well,they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds.
The conflict, like all others, was governed by a strict code of unwritten rules, the violation of which resulted in swift but usually just expulsion from the battlefield. Said expulsion was, in general, enforced by whichever party held the current tactical advantage; however it was not uncommon for rival factions to combine their forces in an effort to maintain the conflict’s stability. Such were the battlefield ethics of eleven-year-olds.
Both the sections above were far too long – little boys fighting is easily understood.
I accept some description is needed, but its spaceship – then planets – then spaceships – then little boys. As a reader I’m having difficulty settling into your plot, and that is because you the writer are jumping around.

The weapons of the day were simple in form but functional enough to get the job done; short-swords composed of the light-weight wood from a local variation of balsam trees. The blades had been fashioned to taper out into flattened tips, mostly to prevent permanent harm from being wrought on their victims. Firmly gripped in small but sturdy hands, the dimensions of each sword were almost identical to one another, roughly two feet by four inches. Attacks were conducted with little thought for the art of modern swordsmanship, and in most cases resulted in fruitless slashes that looked dashing nonetheless, which was of course the entire point of the affair.
Ok, short little wooden swords then!

Two words – spell check.
All telling, no character development and far too much padding – not sure what the plot was, no hook to keep me reading. You jumped around a lot as well which meant I was never drawn into the writing. I think you can write but this section felt like you were writing for the writer and not the reader, it was too jumpy and heavy. Good imagination with good technical details added, a lot of SciFi readers like this but use with caution. Others like me have a low tolerance of these and that’s because I’m a lazy reader.
Spaceships and descriptions, always a problem. A little too much in the section above for me, but what is right or wrong here is a big question. There will be threads all over Chrons asking this very question, good luck with your spaceships they are a problem for me as well.
This time the section did not work for me, but with a lot of potential on show.
 
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I think the spelling is an American/ European thing -- neighbor/ favor etc where we'd put in a 'u'. 'Maneuver' is fine (it's US spelling) according to my dictionary. Word flags 'thruster' for me as well, but the spellchecker is wrong -- the spelling is correct (it's spelt that way in the dictionary too).

kaufmannp -- if I were you, I would keep writing the story. You might like to take into account people's comments on how it'd be good to have a closer POV (which I'm guessing you do anyway when you get into the boys' story). If you stop writing now and try to perfect this first chapter, you could spend all your time on it. My advice is -- consider the feedback, write the book, and when you've finished the draft, come back to this chapter and reconsider it then.

For what it's worth, I quite like the voice and the description -- I like the humour -- but I wouldn't like it for an entire book.
 
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I stand corrected, Kaufmannp and my apologies to you.

I do think you should keep on writing/writing on (decided to have both as I could not pick one!), that is the only way we all improve, by doing.
 
[/COLOR]
Below is the first 1,038 words of Chapter 1 of my wip. Enjoy and criticize away with my thanks!


Chapter 1: Our Story Begins this doesn't need to be here. We know the story begins if it's Chapter 1

A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October when two small craft emerged suddenly from hyper-space, quite far from the established window for incoming flights. The first vessel to appear was an unmarked freighter, an older model that had seen its prime come and go decades earlier, and which currently appeared to be in some state of duress not completely attributable to its age. wordy. How about something like "and showed signs of recent battle damage"Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort, and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its lateral fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity.

The primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802, plodded along on its orbit around the sun as it had for the last few million years, ignorant to the plight of its newest arrival. In a series of rather dramatic maneuvering burns, the freighter's pilot worked feverishly to put as much of the planet’s mass between the vessel and its reentry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into the gas giant’s violent atmosphere. The freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well, shuddering uncertainly with every maneuvering push of its thrusters.

At last the injured ship cleared the planet and it settled onto a somewhat circuitous course with a small moon orbiting the far side of N-19.802. The small moon glistened serenely as it spun gently around its titanic neighbor, a soft hue of green and blue that stood in strict contrast to the harsh glare of yellows and oranges thrown off from its fellow orb.

One last thruster burn directed it towards the southern hemisphere of the moon just as it edged toward the terminator into the night cycle of its orbit. The freighter flared when it passed into the moon’s atmosphere, the friction shielding at its belly glowing softly as it swiftly descended through a cloudless sky. Smoke issued from the aft exhaust port, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface.

A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation,What about the people inside? I know the POV is from outside the ship but unless this is a robotic ship, it didn't fire it's own thrusters. the speed at which it had been falling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable coming to a sudden and spectacular end with an explosion on the starboard wing. The freighter veered sharply to port and then began an uncontrolled spiral toward the tree-covered slopes.



The second vessel to appear that day was of such specific design that its purpose could be easily ascertained. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons. Maneuvering thrusters that glowed intensely as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity of insertion into normal space. The overall impression was that of a gargantuan lawn dart, a predatory thing with a singular intent: Seekand destroy.

When it reached the speed at which it could maneuver more freely, the Seeker’s sensor array lit up to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed as it worked to obtain its bearings. Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 as an unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way of hiding spots. Expanding the parameters of its targeting program, the Seeker began to search along somewhat more favorable escape vectors. There!

The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker noted with distain. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way andthat. It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee, on an indirect but unmistakable course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant.



Dominated by vast forests and a number of sizable mountain and lakes, this particular small moon had always provided a most welcome sight for travelers who had come to this most distant system in the Republic, and had thus been christened Terris Dista. Otherwise unremarkable, it tended to attract little attention outside of the occasional trader bound for the Imperial border, which intersected a neighboring system- a relative stones throw away, by interstellar reckoning.

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys just outside the forests of the moon’s southern continent managed to observe the crash-landing. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the better part of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided. Short of not only stature, but patience as well,they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds.

The conflict, like all others, was governed by a strict code of unwritten rules, the violation of which resulted in swift but usually just expulsion from the battlefield. Said expulsion was, in general, enforced by whichever party held the current tactical advantage; however it was not uncommon for rival factions to combine their forces in an effort to maintain the conflict’s stability. Such were the battlefield ethics of eleven-year-olds.Very dry, unchildlike, tactical description of some kids having a fight.

The weapons of the day were simple in form but functional enough to get the job done; short-swords composed of the light-weight wood from a local variation of balsam trees. The blades had been fashioned to taper out into flattened tips, mostly to prevent permanent harm from being wrought on their victims. Firmly gripped in small but sturdy hands, the dimensions of each sword were almost identical to one another, roughly two feet by four inches. Attacks were conducted with little thought for the art of modern swordsmanship, and in most cases resulted in fruitless slashes that looked dashing nonetheless, which was of course the entire point of the affair.

Interesting events but the descriptions are a little dry and impersonal. These kids are only playing but it sounds like straight information instead of a story. Add color and personality to the events. I haven't met anyone to care about yet.
 
Good suggestions all, and I'm working to implement them as I continue through Chapter 2 (And not editing what I've written so far...at all...even a little..okay maybe some!)

I think my next submission may come directly from the prologue, which takes place ten years prior to the rest of the story.

Although if I've caused too many bleeding eyes I may refrain!

Or not; perhaps I'm sadistic like that ;)

Thank you for reading!!!!!
 
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