...now down to a sylph-like 820 words (from 1033).
I have:
Reduced the crew size (in line with the Nostromo from Alien - thanks for that one Boneman)
Added in a bit more Sam stuff - not sure if that comes across naturally or forced.
Radically trimmed the shareholder and not finding life bits. On the shareholder bit I'm not happy with the flow/rythm of "...but that gave them all the right to a say in strategic decisions, if not tactical ones." It's that 'to a say' bit I'm not happy with.
Anyway see what you think. Hopefully it is a bit better
The galley was large enough to seat all six members of the Searcher’s crew. Just. And, arriving late, Sam Jennings had to do a bit of squeezing and shoving to establish a space for himself. Such formal meetings were rare in the course of a survey tour and, in the buzz of conversation around him, he could hear the ship’s rumour mill overflowing. Sam couldn’t be bothered; they’d know in a minute anyway. He was just glad he’d arrived before the Captain. Not that he’d have been bawled out but it would have been just plain embarrassing.
The arrival of Captain Jim Bell, brought an abrupt hush. He stood at the door, his steady gaze taking in all the crew, huddled as they were around the single table. He did not appear happy.
Sam stifled a yawn and caught the Captain looking at him with raised eyebrows and a wry smile. “I apologise for dragging some of you from your pits.”
As Sam muttered an apology, his ribs received a well aimed jab from Dave Smith. The Engineering Technician sat next to him was grinning with mischievous glee.
“Although we are now heading for home,” the Captain continued, “we are still under Operational Command. But I’m waiving that for now. We need a rapid decision and it’s strategic not tactical.”
Every crew member had invested in the Searcher, some more than others maybe, but that gave them all the right to a say in strategic decisions, if not tactical ones.
“It’s been a long haul and I know you’re all looking forward to home.”
That should have come with a smile, but no, and that worried Sam. He saw the same concern mirrored in the faces around him. It had been a long haul and Sam, for one, did not want it getting any longer.
“I’m sure rumours have been flying around since we picked up that the remote courier.” A few self-conscious chuckles ran through the assembly. “Well, those nice people at the Interstellar Survey Service have asked us to do a little detour.”
The deep tones of Pat Driscot, the Chief Engineer and oldest member of the crew, rose above the predictable grumble of protest. “No way, Captain. Six months out and they want us to do more. That might be all well and good on one of those luxury liners ISS call survey ships, but the Searcher, she just isn’t big enough for tours this long.”
“Pat, I sympathise and agree. However, they have only asked, they cannot command. We decide whether to accept the detour.” He paused. “The ISS astronomers have found an interesting new planet and they want us to take a look.”
“Excuse me, Captain,” Sam put in over the renewed babble of complaints, “we’ve used the last of our remote survey probes, our hold has no space for any more samples and we have no remote couriers left. Exactly what kind of survey do they expect us to achieve?”
“Yes, I know, Sam, and to be fair, so do ISS. They only want a preliminary survey, to establish exactly what’s needed for a full one. I know what you’re capable of with just the shipboard sensors, and the shuttle can be adapted. We’ll just have to make do with what we’ve got.
“They want results fast and we’re the closest.” He paused. “Their analysis suggests that this could be a fertile planet. A very fertile planet. They think it might even hold more life than Earth itself.”
“Oh, come on, Captain.” Smith protested from beside Sam. “How many times have they said that sort of thing? And how many times have they been right? Never. It’ll just be another wild goose chase.” Sam glanced at Smith. He had to agree; life, and indeed hospitable planets, had proved rather more elusive than people had hoped.
“Be that as it may, they’re the ones paying for the privilege of finding out. ISS will pay triple rates from now until we are docked back in Earth orbit.” That got their attention, Sam noticed. “In addition, assuming the boffins have got it right, there should be ample opportunities for discovery bonuses.”
As the Captain invited questions, Sam’s sleep-fuddled brain tuned out. It didn’t matter; he knew his shipmates well enough and knew what the outcome would be. He began mentally composing a message of apology to his family back home.
Later, as he wandered down the short corridors back to his cabin and, more importantly, his ‘pit’, he considered the implications of that decision for him. Joe Simkins, the science officer, was the Searcher’s astronomer and exoplanetologist, but he knew nothing about biology or botany. Not that Sam knew much more, but it was always him that was expected to fill the gaps. He began planning a study schedule for himself. For Sam, at least, it was going to be a busy trip to this new planet.
I have:
Reduced the crew size (in line with the Nostromo from Alien - thanks for that one Boneman)
Added in a bit more Sam stuff - not sure if that comes across naturally or forced.
Radically trimmed the shareholder and not finding life bits. On the shareholder bit I'm not happy with the flow/rythm of "...but that gave them all the right to a say in strategic decisions, if not tactical ones." It's that 'to a say' bit I'm not happy with.
Anyway see what you think. Hopefully it is a bit better
The galley was large enough to seat all six members of the Searcher’s crew. Just. And, arriving late, Sam Jennings had to do a bit of squeezing and shoving to establish a space for himself. Such formal meetings were rare in the course of a survey tour and, in the buzz of conversation around him, he could hear the ship’s rumour mill overflowing. Sam couldn’t be bothered; they’d know in a minute anyway. He was just glad he’d arrived before the Captain. Not that he’d have been bawled out but it would have been just plain embarrassing.
The arrival of Captain Jim Bell, brought an abrupt hush. He stood at the door, his steady gaze taking in all the crew, huddled as they were around the single table. He did not appear happy.
Sam stifled a yawn and caught the Captain looking at him with raised eyebrows and a wry smile. “I apologise for dragging some of you from your pits.”
As Sam muttered an apology, his ribs received a well aimed jab from Dave Smith. The Engineering Technician sat next to him was grinning with mischievous glee.
“Although we are now heading for home,” the Captain continued, “we are still under Operational Command. But I’m waiving that for now. We need a rapid decision and it’s strategic not tactical.”
Every crew member had invested in the Searcher, some more than others maybe, but that gave them all the right to a say in strategic decisions, if not tactical ones.
“It’s been a long haul and I know you’re all looking forward to home.”
That should have come with a smile, but no, and that worried Sam. He saw the same concern mirrored in the faces around him. It had been a long haul and Sam, for one, did not want it getting any longer.
“I’m sure rumours have been flying around since we picked up that the remote courier.” A few self-conscious chuckles ran through the assembly. “Well, those nice people at the Interstellar Survey Service have asked us to do a little detour.”
The deep tones of Pat Driscot, the Chief Engineer and oldest member of the crew, rose above the predictable grumble of protest. “No way, Captain. Six months out and they want us to do more. That might be all well and good on one of those luxury liners ISS call survey ships, but the Searcher, she just isn’t big enough for tours this long.”
“Pat, I sympathise and agree. However, they have only asked, they cannot command. We decide whether to accept the detour.” He paused. “The ISS astronomers have found an interesting new planet and they want us to take a look.”
“Excuse me, Captain,” Sam put in over the renewed babble of complaints, “we’ve used the last of our remote survey probes, our hold has no space for any more samples and we have no remote couriers left. Exactly what kind of survey do they expect us to achieve?”
“Yes, I know, Sam, and to be fair, so do ISS. They only want a preliminary survey, to establish exactly what’s needed for a full one. I know what you’re capable of with just the shipboard sensors, and the shuttle can be adapted. We’ll just have to make do with what we’ve got.
“They want results fast and we’re the closest.” He paused. “Their analysis suggests that this could be a fertile planet. A very fertile planet. They think it might even hold more life than Earth itself.”
“Oh, come on, Captain.” Smith protested from beside Sam. “How many times have they said that sort of thing? And how many times have they been right? Never. It’ll just be another wild goose chase.” Sam glanced at Smith. He had to agree; life, and indeed hospitable planets, had proved rather more elusive than people had hoped.
“Be that as it may, they’re the ones paying for the privilege of finding out. ISS will pay triple rates from now until we are docked back in Earth orbit.” That got their attention, Sam noticed. “In addition, assuming the boffins have got it right, there should be ample opportunities for discovery bonuses.”
As the Captain invited questions, Sam’s sleep-fuddled brain tuned out. It didn’t matter; he knew his shipmates well enough and knew what the outcome would be. He began mentally composing a message of apology to his family back home.
Later, as he wandered down the short corridors back to his cabin and, more importantly, his ‘pit’, he considered the implications of that decision for him. Joe Simkins, the science officer, was the Searcher’s astronomer and exoplanetologist, but he knew nothing about biology or botany. Not that Sam knew much more, but it was always him that was expected to fill the gaps. He began planning a study schedule for himself. For Sam, at least, it was going to be a busy trip to this new planet.
