Tired, but unrelenting.

[Scott R. Forshaw]

Okay, sleep depravation has really taken hold now - to the point where I'm beginning to question every sentence, but I refuse to save and close until I know for certain the following paragraph reads correctly:


The subdued flicker of candlelight surrounded me, filling the room, or wherever I was, with a dim and pleasant glow. Shadows danced along the walls, frivolous and playful, teasing and enticing the light to touch them, to waltz eternally, just as darkness and light had always done, ever since the beginning of time.


Any and all feedback, as ever, will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance, guys.

 

[Gary Compton]

The subdued flicker of candlelight surrounded me, filling the room, or wherever I was, with a dim and pleasant glow. Shadows danced along the walls, frivolous and playful, teasing and enticing the light to touch them, to waltz eternally, just as darkness and light had always done, ever since the beginning of time.

Feel free to ignore but I dont think you need the last bit I have hilighted in red.

The blue bit, is that relevant?



Nice scene though!!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I think the "room, or wherever I was" is a bit odd -- the next part mentions walls, so it's obviously a room of some sort, whether it's the one he thinks he's in or not. If he's in doubt as to which room, perhaps "the room, wherever I was" would be better. The "or" is confusing.

The last bit might be better without the "ever", though it might not be necessary at all.

Otherwise, it's very nice!

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I agree that the part Gary highlighted in blue should probably go (if it looks enough like a room that he can't tell the difference, then "room" should be good enough).

For my taste, the sentence is too flowery. For one thing, the POV character is so confused about his surroundings, I would think he'd be more interested in figuring that out than in watching the shadows as carefully as he seems to be doing, since he has so much to say about them. For another, if we are supposed to be worried about him — and the fact that he doesn't even know what sort of place he is in suggests that we should be — the frivolous and enticing shadows encourage us to do the opposite. And finally, since light and shadow have, indeed, been doing that sort of thing since the beginning of time and that's hardly news, then I don't really think that it needs to be said.

It's lovely, but I wonder if the scene needs all that.

What is he feeling just then? It would be best if what he sees in the shadows reflected his mood.

 

[Anne Lyle]

I don't really have much to add...

As Teresa has said, the mood of the description doesn't seem to fit the narrative context. I'd cut it and save it in a "snippets" file to use elsewhere, and focus on the character's emotions in this presumably threatening situation.

 

[RcGrant]

This thread is interesting to me, because I can sense that you really love to explore the type of description you have written here. And it is lovely. I understand how you feel. However, I have started to learn that when you are writing a story, description such as this can really slow it down. There has to be some sort of balance. So write as much description as you want, but realise you may have to "murder your darlings" to tighten your story.

Listen to Teresa -- she knows what she's talking about.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hey, Scott, I found it a little overlong, but I'm not one for loads of description, as you know. More to the point - sleep! We can't concentrate when we're knackered, and our sense of perception vanishes. Hope you got some. J.

 

[Scott R. Forshaw]

Thanks for the feedback, guy

s. Now I've actually slept everything seems much clearer. I should listen to Springs advice a little more often, methinks.

 

[Tecdavid]

I think it reads very poetically, and paints a curious picture, but I suppose my thoughts on it would depend on the context,
If the character is there, simply waiting or anticipating something, then it suits the scene very well, as it's natural that someone would pay close attention to small details, and ponder them, while standing/sitting still.
If the scene is a bit more frightful, though (as "or wherever I was" makes me wonder), then maybe it'd be a bit too tame - failing to fully reflect the character's emotions.

One way or another, though, it's some delightful wordplay.

 

[stephen.samuels]

Okay, sleep depravation has really taken hold now - to the point where I'm beginning to question every sentence, but I refuse to save and close until I know for certain the following paragraph reads correctly:


The subdued flicker of candlelight surrounded me, filling the room, or wherever I was, with a dim and pleasant glow. Shadows danced along the walls, frivolous and playful, teasing and enticing the light to touch them, to waltz eternally, just as darkness and light had always done, ever since the beginning of time.


Any and all feedback, as ever, will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance, guys.

like the scene a lot, possibly some mention of the individual?